A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife (and five year old daughter) is currently on holiday in Florida with family and friends. Some of these friends are young men. One in particular is going without his girlfriend.I have been ok with the holiday. This isn't the issue.The issue is that when I was at her mums where they were meeting to leave. There was this one guy there (who I didn't even know until this time, and yes, who was the one not going with his gf). He walked behind my wife while she was sitting at the kitchen table and rubbed her shoulders and neck. I was sitting right next to her.I gave him a look. He only did it for a second. My wife's response however was "Oooh. Keep doing that!"She had no regard for how I felt about this. I have told her in the past that I do not like other men touching her in this way, whether it is simply therapeutic or not, whether it was close family friends or not.If it was a doctor or a professional masseur I wouldn't have a problem. This guy is neither.When I try to tell her how I feel about it, her attitude is that I should learn to live with it. She gives me two options, deal with it or get a divorce.Now, I did not want to make a big scene at the time, I wanted her to go and enjoy her holiday, not spoil it before it even started.Given that I have told her how I feel about this kind of thing before, to which so has just said I'm being stupid and given me the ultimatum. I decided to make an appointment with marriage guidance. The appointment is for both of us, a few days after she is due to get back.I am worried that if I bring this up and ask her to come along to marriage guidance with me, she will do what she normally does, accuse me of being jealous and possessive, kick up a big storm and walk out.Am I being too unreasonable? More than likely it was just a casual and friendly quick rub (though I still don't like the idea of other guys letting them put their hands on her whenever they feel like it, or more to the point, her letting them).Or should I go ahead, keep the appointment and stick to my guns and see what happens (even if it does end in divorce).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2017): I just want to reiterate what code Warrior has said about getting a job.
Of course subject to if you need to be at home to look after your son, but if you could get a job whilst she's away I think that that it would do a huge amount for your self-esteem and to combat her looking down on you as something she can control.
As soon as you have a secure income of you're own you'll have better financial options to walk away from her ASAP.
she is making you unhappy and you deserve to spend your life with people that respect you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2017): Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2017): Hi OP.
It's Female Anon.
Sorry, but I have to be blunt.
Who gives a shit if she was looking at you or not in a video!!!??
That is the LEAST of your worries!!
Stop trying to DELUDE yourself!!
This woman is PLAYING YOU! And you just keep ALLOWING IT!!!!
You are a door mat!!!
I can see you are trying to close your eyes to reality here.
It will only hurt YOU in the end.
It may be wise to get therapy on your own to determine why you have such LOW self worth.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (31 July 2017):
She does not respects you and your marriage.
What if one day you catch her having sex with other guy, and tells you the same thing:
"Deal with it, or get a divorce"
It's her blank check for doing things she isn't supposed to be doing.
Flip the things around: how would she feel if she saw you were massaging young girls back all the time? Will she allow you to get away with it? If so, then start doing it in case you don't want a divorce.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify to A female reader (post beginning "Even worse that the bread winner") and on my earlier response saying she wouldn't look me in the eyes.
I take that part back. The reason she wouldn't look directly at me was a technical issue. She video chatted me but had the viewfinder off to the side of her screen. She was looking directly at me, I only got a side angle of her.
Just thought I'd clear that bit up to avoid any confusion.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (31 July 2017):
You have a problem. Your wife doesn't respect you or your marriage. It is a shame you didn't figure this out before you mixed your DNA with her's and produced a child. Now you are completely jammed up because she holds all the cards.
She is right learn to live with it or get a divorce. Either way you screwed.
I know which option I would take. But then I would not have sat there while some punk disrespected me by putting his hands on my wife so I'm guessing you will learn to live with it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCode Warrior
I see what you are saying. Even if I did want to go, I still couldn't because my son didn't want to go and I had to stay and make sure that he was alright. You might be thinking "he's 17, he should be alright on his own"...this isn't the case.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2017): Even worse that your wife is the bread winner, OP.
She thinks she OWNS you and can do whatever SHE wants!
As for not looking you in the eyes? That screams GUILT!!
You need to get a job of your own. Get out from under her grip. Do not rely on her for your livelihood and your SELF ESTEEM! It looks like being with her has beat down your self respect and self esteem! NOT GOOD!
She is emasculating you. Making you feel like shit so that she can keep walking all over you.
She wants you to be weak and under her spell! Makes it so much easier to run her scams on you!
Please WAKE UP! And DO something about it!
She is the one who is UNWORTHY OF YOU! NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCode WarriorTo clarify things a bit. You asked why I didn't go. Two reasons.1) I didn't want to.Various reasons. I've been before. I enjoyed it, yes, and the time we went before it was a different group, all married couples (or partners) and kids. Also, financial reasons (which she doesn't seem to care about).2) We also have a son. He is 17, went with us the last time and never wants to go again. The wife pushes him to go on the big rides, which he absolutely hates. To be honest, he isn't all that fond of her either.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2017): Hi I think you have all the answers you need but I just wanted to add my experience.I go dancing and one night this man that I wasn't interested in was trying to chat me up. I moved to sit as far away as possible from him. He followed me a short time after and put his hands on my shoulders and proceeded to give me a massage!I was so incensed at being touched in this way that I don't know how I didn't hit him! It is not an appropriate way to touch someone in my opinion. If your wife was courting this kind of behaviour, I would imagine that she is not the woman for you. Or most men come to that. I can't think of one man I know who would be okay with this. Add the fact that she could not care less about your feelings and you have your answer. So sorry you are going through this, but once you are over her, you will be so much happier and wonder why you put up with it for so long.I have had to do the same thing and finish with a man who behaved in a way I didn't like even though I was love with him. It's so lovely to be set free.Good luck.
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (30 July 2017):
 Did I miss out on it if she has agreed to the marriage guidance, will she go along and if so is she going to give it all her mind and the effort it takes,
you are right to try to get her to go with you, they know what they are about and they can help you to find your awnser better than anything any of us here can do as first of all they get bought sides of the story from two people,
I wish you the best with that, your on the right road
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both. I read your responses, and everything comes to light. The realisation has hit me like a brick.All this time I thought it was me.First responder (responding "Your wife is a sleaze"). i'm not the bread-winner, she is. I am a house-dad. Does this make a difference?Also, she is a bit younger than me, in her mid-thirties.In light of what you have both said, I will go to counselling. Whether she comes with me is up to her. I love her to bits and she is breaking my heart.Today, she video-called me from holiday, but would not look at me directly. Yes I like to see my daughter, but I wanted to see her too. I message her and her replies are abrupt and evasive.I am now fearing the worst. Thank you for opening my eyes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2017): I think if the situation felt uncomfortable to you, then there was good reason for you to be uncomfortable. I would feel the same way as you. I have a sister who was a trained massage therapist, then later a nurse. She's very nurturing. If she were to massage my boyfriend's shoulders, it would only happen if he was in some kind serious pain. I wouldn't be concerned. If one of my other sisters, or any other non-trained woman was to come up and massage his shoulders, then that would be a little too familiar and I think it would be weird to me. I think your wife is being quite disrespectful about your feelings. In my opinion you are not being unreasonable. I'm actually pretty good at giving non-professional massages. I have massaged my boyfriend, my sisters, my sons, but never have I massaged an acquaintance or a even a friend. Was this neck rub a one-time occurrence? It seems odd that your wife would always be touched by other men that are not professional massage therapists.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2017): Your wife is a sleaze.Sorry to be so blunt.She likes to have it all.A doting, jealous husband who feeds her ego by his insecurities, which are caused by her, and her boy toys on the side who also feed her ego. In fact, I will take it a step further and say the boy toys she has sex with while on vacation.Are you the bread winner? Do you support your wife financially? If so, she likes to have a man who takes care of all her financial needs and home life. A father to her children. While having a young guy to take care of her sexual pleasures on the side. Can you see that this is a very real possibility here? If she is of similar age as you, then her sex drive is going to be peaking. And it would be well matched to a young man's. She seems to be desperately trying to hang onto her youth by proving her attractiveness to younger men. By flirting, being open to being touched by them, by very possibly having sex with them too. She is deep down very insecure and in need of male validation. Unfortunately, people like this do not change without a great deal of soul searching and therapy but very few of them ever want to confront the reality that they are broken. And if you ever remind them of their issues, they will push you away. And escape further.Yes, you have every right to be pissed at your wife and upset at her behaviour. It's inappropriate. She is gas lighting you and turning the blame on you. When, in fact, the blame is entirely on her. If she is unhappy with your marriage, she should commit, along with you, to fix it, or just get out. Not to seek out temporary outside distractions to make her feel better in the moment while avoiding the real issues, which are put aside to live in the fantasy, but will never be properly resolved. They will always be there waiting once the fantasy is over.You can go to marriage counselling but she has to WANT to go herself, not go for you or pay you lip service to keep you quiet and oblivious to her actions and true intentions. Just remember she can still go to counselling with you and continue her flirtations and dalliances on the side. She wants the comfort of her marriage and the excitement of young men lusting after her. As a husband of many years, you cannot compete with the rush and addiction of sexual play things who are new and exciting. Sorry. I say this also because she does not love you. So, it would be easy for her to betray you. She is using you the way she uses them. It all benefits her. She has no idea what it means to be married or committed to a man. She likes fun and games while you hold down the fort.So, I suggest you cut the strings now. You can try counselling but I seriously doubt a woman like this is going to change. She likes the side action way too much. And clearly does not love you enough to change her ways. Adding insult to injury is that she actually expects you to suck it up??? To be okay with what she is doing? There is nothing OKAY about it. She is making a fool out of you and using you as a door mat.Don't allow her to keep doing that to you just because you love her. She is taking advantage of your love for her to do as she pleases because she thinks you will keep taking it like a good, loyal, little dog.I think you are just prolonging the inevitable. You know what she is up to. And you know what to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2017): She's being incredibly disrespectful to you!When I read the title of your post, this wasn't what I expected to read... I understand that there are "grey areas" when it comes to boundaries with friends, but her attitude is obscene! If she had an innocent opposite sex friendship, that would be one thing, but her lack of respect is outrageous. You told her how much it upsets you but she just blew off your feelings, knowing how much it bothers you. She should have known that this touching was inappropriate even if you hadn't asked her not to. You're not being jealous and possessive. She's walking on you, and then when you protest, she pulls the "jealous and possessive card." Any therapist would agree that this is inappropriate. It makes me really sad to read your post, dear poster. You sound like a really kind and supportive husband... it makes me sick when women have great husbands like you and they treat them with disrespect instead of being grateful for a marriage to a kind and supportive man. I'm single and I would love marriage to a supportive kind man. I'm incredibly loyal. Sure, I have platonic male friends (I'm not gonna blow off my friends, because you don't turn your back on friends), but I would be an incredibly loyal wife. No one will give me a chance. When I see women married to kind loving men who don't appreciate their husbands, it breaks my heart.Furthermore, I wonder how much SHE would like it if you massaged another chick in front of her. I don't think that she would be terribly happy. This has nothing to do with you being jealous and possessive. You're not restricting her rights within the parameters of appropriate behavior. You're not telling her who she can and can't be friends with. I had a boyfriend who told me that I couldn't hang out with my best guy friend (who is OPENLY gay, I might add)... now THAT was controlling (who the hell feels that a gay guy is a threat to a straight relationship?). He had plenty of excuses but he was just being possessive. You don't want other guys touching her. You're kind... yeah, I've said it ad nauseum, but it's so true. You want her to be happy and enjoy your holiday. That's noble and it's admirable. However, she's walking all over you. No one deserves to be walked on like that.She should listen to you, and respect your feelings, because that's a spouse/partner's job.
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