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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hello! I apologise in advance as this is likely to be a long question and it's a family matter rather than love! It's the first time I have asked for advice so please reply kindly I just need some kind reassurance I think... : SOk, so a few years ago I told my mum that her partner had acted seriously inappropriately to me during my childhood. He has been with her since I was five and basically he did stuff like asking me to spell words like "clock" and then would say "so what does c o c k spell if that isn't clock?" being about 7 or 8 I just ignored him but from then I never felt happy alone with him. When I was 11 I remember being on the phone to my friend and he put on a pornographic tape, the phone was not cordless so he knew I could not walk away and my mum was upstairs with my younger bro so again I just bottled it up and tried my hardest to not be alone. Various other things occured and then when I was 14 we were on a family holiday and he exposed himself to me. I was pretty scared at this point and my mum was only doing something with my brother but I left the hotel alone and walked and bought a ton of cigarettes and smoked the lot (I know terrible smoking that young but it didn't last long and can you blame me with all my home troubles I kept secret??) So those were the main things and I don't want to go over every little detail but for my whole childhood I never confided in anybody. Not even a school friend. Deep down I didn't want to hurt my mum I love her and always will and I was scared of ruining our bond by saying something.So when I was 16 I met my partner (who I am still with to this day) and one day I told him everything. He was ready to beat up my "stepdad" (not much of a stepdad I hate using that word he is a dickhead) but instead he helped me tell my mum everything. She was shocked and felt awful and promised to leave him and we both went into depression I think. Basically I ended up staying at my boyfriends parents with him while my mum sorted things out. Time went on and we went to social services and they were useless but I thought my mum was leaving him. I was at my boyfriends family home for a year when I started questioning to myself why is she still living with the man who made my childhood hell?!Let's fast forward to right now which is four years later! well she never left him and this hurt but we got along like mother and daughter because I am a bit of a pushover really and because she is my mum I couldn't just cut her out of my life. The other week that idiot pushed my mum over at the side of the road in a rage and to me I just flipped. I was angry at him for not treating her better after everything she let him get away with and I got angry at my mum for letting him get away with it!After 4 years I thought I had just moved on from what happened, I still hated that man but I didn't let it affect my life and my relationship with my mum but now I am emotionally all over the place again. My mum says she always believed me but hoped he would be able to show he was sorry and make amends but I told her that was stupid. She said again after he pushed her that she would go to the police but she never-and a stranger witnessed it! Then she told me that she would tell him to leave but that hasnt happened and I am feeling hurt because all my bottled up feelings have risen to the surface and I am angry at her for staying with him after I told her what he had done. Am I so wrong in this? Is my anger completely unjustified because that is how I feel?! I just need some other opinions on this I am so muddled up you wouldn't believe. I am sorry this was so long! X
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your perspective on this, it helps because although I have my partner and also now an aunt and uncle that know about this and agree with me it is better to hear from people who don't have a link to me. I just feel so much better to read an outsiders view on this situation you wouldn't believe what a difference it makes. So glad I came on here x
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 November 2011):
 muso 888 pretty much said it all. You have had a bad start to life and you are making the most of your life now which is great. Off course you have every right to be angry and hurt. But looking at your mother, from your post I do not doubt that she believes you, but I feel that he is controlling her just like he did to you all those years ago. He has probably made her feel that she is nothing without him and that she will be all alone. Off course you have been brave enough to stand up to him, and I bet your mother has tried as well, but my guess is that she has no self confidence and does not want to be alone for the rest of her life. If she is struggling with depression as well then he will find her weak points and keep at her so that he can control her, she is weak and am sure she feels guilty.
You do need to tell her how you feel, both you and her deserve to be away from this sad excuse of a man. You have strength that she does not have so talk to her and tell her how angry and upset you are that she is with him. Be brutal and honest with her and hope that it works. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, muso888  +, writes (5 November 2011):
No your anger isn't unjustified at all. It is totally understandable.We expect our parents to protect us, against all odds, against ANYONE. I don't know why you felt so strongly you couldn't tell your mum when you were little, but kids do and have been known to bottle these things up. I am so proud of you for finally telling her, and I am so happy that you have a loving partner to love and protect you now.But once you told your Mum she didn't not end it with this man. Perhaps you always knew she was weak when it came to him and perhaps that's why you never told her. It is OK to be angry with her for not standing up for you and for herself. It is OK to be mad at him forever and ever and ever. It is OK to question why she hasn't left this scumbag. Allow yourself to be angry. I don't blame you and I think if you sat down with your Mum and told her why you got angry she won't blame you either (she shouldn't). Have you made her feel guilty for staying with him? You should tell her how mad it makes you - don't bottle it up, it hasn't ever been good for you and it is a trait HE has given you. Don't let him win.I think you also have to feel sorry for her - she knows she's with a very bad man and yet she doesn't have the strength to leave him. If she does really feel bad about what he has put you through, this will be eating her up inside.So you have two choices as chanels for your anger - let it out and tell her how disappointed you are in her. Or you can accept that she is powerless against him and weak and feel sorry for her... and then I guess you have to let it go and accpet she is always going to let him rule her life. Good luck sweetie. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
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