A
female
age
36-40,
*mj85
writes:Hi there, I have a problem (again)I became engaged to my boyfriend of 2 years in october just gone and have been on cloud 9 up to christmas.When I was 9 I was adopted and my mum has a brother who has two children a boy and girl (that order). My female cousin I have never really got on with that well and when I came along and my mum gave me more attention because she had a new daughter, my cousin became jealous consequently we drifted apart. Over the years I have attempted to be friendly with her and build our relationship back up but not had any luck. At my 21st I apologised for all the crap and told her i loved her (yes i was a bit tipsy but i meant it) Anyway when my grandma who i was very close to was in hospital 2008, she hardly came to see her whereas i was there nearly everynight. When gran died and we went to the funeral, my cousin made a comment about my at the time boyfriend and when asked to repeat it she wouldnt so i know it was something nasty. In june 2008 I was christened and confirmed and I was able to chose my own godparents so i asked her dad (my uncle) and he obliged. My mum is also both my cousins godmother.When I became engaged, I originally asked my mum to give me away but she said she would if i didnt have anyone else but i knew she had volunteered to do an awful lot to help us and that would be more pressure so i said i would ask my uncle as he is the closest thing i have to a father and we are extremely close. I expressed my concern to my mum at how my cousin may react and she said she didnt think there would be a problem and my uncle said the same after he agreed to do it. HOW WRONG!Something happened just before christmas and a huge row broke out between my uncle his wife and my female cousin. The main issues were because I had asked him to give me away and she wanted him to give her away first, I had asked him to be my godfather and she felt if i hadnt come along our gran would have given her money and my mum wouldnt have pushed her away but my mum tried to involve her by inviting her to birthday parties for me mum, her dad, gran her brother (my mum and her brother share the same birthday) and mum has invited her to come on holiday with us but she wouldnt. She never came to see my gran especially when she was ill and never phoned her up to see how she was. The row was that bad my uncle and his wife were nearly getting a divorce and both of them and his daughter didnt speak for 5 weeks! I heard from my other cousins ex patner that my uncles wife said she didnt like me because im someone elses child (cuz im adopted) I spoke to my uncle about it and said if you feel its going to be too awkward, I dont mind if you have to say no i cant do it, the last thing i want is for you to be torn and i dont want to lose my family over it and it made him cry i think with relief that i wasnt reacting like her.Now I dont know what to do, because of all this my mum has advised me to postpone booking the wedding venue because we dont know whats happening. I wrote my female cousin an email a couple of nights ago on facebook after it had died down a bit but ive had no reply, I sent her a text to say happy new year - nothing. I know she goes on because she has commented on her niece's (my little cousin) wall. The other problem is I already decided i wanted my male cousin (her brother) and his two children (her niece and nephew) to be involved in my bridal party (usher, bridesmaid and page boy) but shes ruining everything because if she reacted this way about her dad she might about them too. I have asked my mum again to give me away and she said yeah but i said i didnt want my cousin there because shes just going to be miserable and my mum said be careful because if she doesnt come my uncle will feel torn between his daughter and niece. Its really upsetting me because noone will let me try and address the situation just me and my cousin and have it out with one another but instead its brewing and i couldnt even have an engagement party because of it.Is there anyone who could offer some advice please??? Ive tried contacting her and had no luck at all. She didnt come over at christmas and we never got any cards from them.Thanks in advanceEmxxx
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (15 January 2010):
 I come from an adopting family, I have 4 adopted siblings. Based on my experience, your cousin is way out of line. But, I have seen similar scraps in non adoptive situations. My Dads family for example. The siblings (my aunts and uncles) fight continuously and hold grudges that are passed down to the kids. My grandparents are in their 90s and I often feel that they are only hanging on because when they die the family will be ripped apart fighting over the inheritance.
I guess I don't have any real advice for you, other than saying you are not alone. I do hope that other people reading this will learn that adoption makes you one of the family, not a second class cousin, but exactly like any other cousin. How sad to be blamed for existing, as if you had any choice.
FA
A
female
reader, Emj85 +, writes (15 January 2010):
Emj85 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi thankyou very much for your post. I am 24 (nearly 25) and she is 26 (nearly 27) x
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 January 2010):
 hah! families, and their best sides seem to come out around about Christmas time.
There are two issues here, one being your upcoming wedding, the other your family, for better or worse.
Stop trying to heal the breach - I am going to assume she is around about the same age or a bit younger than you, and you have listed your age as between 22 & 25 which means she could simply be a nasty spoilt brat who is used to getting her own way, and that sort of person it is best to avoid as much as possible. However, because you love your uncle so much, to save causing him grief you will need to invite his WHOLE family to your wedding, this doesnt mean they all have to accept the invitation, but she probably will. Never mind, her scowls in the photographs will give you and your future teenage daughters something to laugh over when you are giving them the "how not to behave in public" lecture.
Continue to love your uncle, but dont discuss his families bad behaviour with him, just be polite and non committal when you speak to him about them, and when you have to be in the same room again, be polite, you dont have to get into deep and meaningfuls with them. Maintain a happy front.
Your poor mum is probably also feeling a little stuck in the middle of a big bun fight. So just let it drop for the time being, tell her you appreciate her agreeing to give you away, and that you will give your uncle's family time to settle, because your mum has already said she will step up if required, leave it until a few weeks before the wedding to ask him again.
You might be pushing it a bit if you ask your cousin (the brother) to be part of the wedding party, because it may appear you have exluded her. However, it is always acceptable to invite cute little kid relatives to be part of a wedding party so I would say ask their parents if they would like to be involved.
Because you became engaged in October I am going to assume you have lots of time for the dust to settle. I dont think you should not book your venue, its your wedding and up to you to chose the day. However, you need to be prepared for your uncle to find he is unable to take part, although I would be surprised if he and his son found they werent able to attend at all.
Just let it drop for now, dont stress, I know everybody wants the perfect wedding day but they dont always go like clockwork but at the end of the day its the actual promises you are making to each other that are important, the rest of the stuff is just the wrapping paper.
Good luck I'll keep my fingers crossed for you
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2010): It sounds as if this cousin isnt ready to forgive whatever trouble there was between you two when you were younger. My advice would be to use other family members and friends to do the honours at the wedding. Just invite your cousins family along as guests. That way they are invited but not involved. If its coming to the stage that your fall out with your cousin is making her parents fight, then someone has to be grown up and drop all the nonsense. It seems it will have to be you.
Congrats by the way.
Getting married to the one you love should be the important thing here. Not getting hung up
on family squabbles. You havent even mentioned your intended husband! Food for thought. Get your priorities straight and leave you cousins family out of your wedding plans, concentrate on being happy with your man. No one needs the family drama, least of all your poor mum x
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