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anonymous
writes: I have been with my boyfriends for a couple of years now but I have fallen in love with somebody else: his best friend! What do I do? I love his friend but do not think he loves me. Do I just stay with my boyfriend and hope that it is just a passing stage or do I talk to the friend? HELP
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female
reader, WhyHimOhNo  +, writes (19 January 2016):
I'm sure all of us are loveable huggable creatures with hearts of gold. Mine is gold and wide open, apparently. I'm an honest woman, I don't even like to lie to myself about myself. So, I can and will admit that I've only had 2 real relationships, but I can safely say, and clearly see, monogamy is not for me. I'm not saying I run around, I'm not Stanley from the office, but in my current relationship I count two "mistakes". I never carried an affair but yes, 2 one night stands. I had reasons for one, bad fight, SUPER bad fight with bf caused me to reconnect with an ex buddy. To talk, of course, for support. Anything I say will sound like excuses so I'll leave it at that. This hasn't happened for 2 years. It's gotten to the point that even though I tend to connect better with men than women, I no longer keep in touch with any male friends. That decision, to me, means I want this one to last.So my boyfriend's best friend, like from the sandbox, has been around for the whole five years. He and I have always had things in common that he and my bf do not share. I first viewed myself as a middleman kinda, like hey ABCnow you can hang out with your oldest best friend AND you can talk to me about all the bull my bf doesn't care about.Plus I make a demonically delicious peanut butter cookie, so wow good for you guy. And to be honest the first time I met the friend, ABC, I kinda hated him, not gonna lie. He was stingy, loud, talked over everybody. Ugh. The first time I got into a serious argument with ABC, I made him cry. I felt like death, and didn't apologize for the words I spoke, but did apologize for the aggressive delivery. The day we made up was the day the spark was lit. Little spark, but still. I know exactly why I feel connected to him, he reminds me of all the guy friends I had back home, as a student, and forever. This fight was 3 years ago and I noticed that he started to be kind of different afterwards, I detected an aggressive woman (bitch) fetish and wrote it off. Then last year, my boyfriend started being more disrespectful than ever, and I put him out. Very unlike me, so I was proud. But due to the fact that I just moved to his home town and have no desire to meet ppl, it just fell into place that ABC, who lives 3 minutes away-classic-, would be the person I spoke to every once in a while if I needed a ride to go idk buy a controversial but no longer fully illegal product. And since I hate to use said product alone, obviously there may come times when I use this product with ABC. This was ok IMO, no sexual feelings had entered at that point, just insane chemistry.Then bf moved back in, everything was cool. We went to a party with ABCand a few other guys my bf grew up with. One of those friends, we'll call him Xyz, was true to his alias the entire night. At one point he clearly began bullying ABC, who was/is kind of a sturdy man. He started reminding everyone of the time he smeared Twinkies on his new car. Like ouch, first of all. Xyz. But in a different circumstance I might have laughed, or more likely said hey Xyz, chill. But I'd had a few, didn't care for Xyz, never have. And it was ABC, which I had no idea was a hot button for me. So I basically verbally attacked Xyz the rest of the night. Flirtatiously attacked, but still clearly had serious emotions about him doing that to ABC. I told myself it was because I've made him cry, and he's super adorable, and I can't imagine him crying or feeling bad about anything ever ever again. I didn't see it, honestly, and if the dudes at the party weren't all clueless and jocky then that might have been the night I outed myself with a secret I didn't even know I had.Longest story ever, my fault. In my defense I'm the type of woman who, when she has a crush, can't seem to stop talking about the person. Everyone knows or is that type of crusher. Let me tell you it annoys us hearing ourselves be smitten, 14 year old style, just as much as it annoys you. So I'm basically using you people to relive it as it happened. This was last year at Christmas, the bullying incident. Fast forward to this year. ABCsuddenly begins calling my phone instead of my bfs when he wants to chill. Texting my phone after hours to tell me a funny story or a new detail in the game we both play. Never really played with each other much but suddenly ABCstarts getting on more, and asking, persistently, for me to join. And stay up till forever, that's a quote. And I got used to it, so much in fact that I started getting bratty if he played without me. It's gross I'm 30 and this is a mistake specifically set aside for characters in dramas and pre-teens.Our chemistry though. Gosh I don't wanna give that up. And the way it's going I'm asking for it. If I'm right in my presumption of reciprocal emotions then we're setting ourselves up and it's just a matter of time. I spoke with my best and grossest, thot of a guy friend, and he was instantly and adamantly disgusted with me. And with ABC. I don't know what advice to give, as not everyone here can afford to be as self aware as I swear I am. But after reading these legit heart touching accounts ( I feel so close to you all!) I'm thinking differently. My gut says don't approach it but don't stop it if it happens, I myself am in a dead end relationship, I love this man but it's never been preach and pineapples between us. And who says anything's forever? What if the tiny fact that I moved to a new city and immediately got serious with what was supposed to be a rebound (I know) means that I can never end up with the right man? My bf is literally affiliated with 95% of the city, either by blood or by friendship. If we don't work I have to move, basically. So I'd have to move and pray I find a ABC, develop 5 years of emotional attachment and just continue praying. Dude no. That's silly as hell, I'm 30. This isn't the time for this I'm supposed to be settled down, not someone's loose cannon girlfriend. Anyway, gut says enjoy the hell out of the tension, I'm addicted to it even if I'm imagining his participation. When we touch by mistake I actually feel electricity screaming through me. When we touch, again by mistake, we both jump away and look every where else possible, not at each other. So gut, then I have my thot friend saying things like if ABCcomes over and seems to be spending more time on your side of the room than your bfs, tell him get away from you.I can't! Nobody does that to a friend, which is exactly v what he is. My super intelligent brain says, tell ABC, tell bf, and explain that this is why you have to fall back from this beautiful thing before the unthinkable happens. I guess that's my advice, to anyone who braved this admission by googling it, therefore being forced to say it out loud and take that look in the mirror, is to tell all, tell why, and be free. It eviscerates the mystery, and could possibly detract some of that Adam and Eve sensation that makes it feel so damn good.I'm not doing that though, honestly, I'm not that brave.I'm doing the other thing, don't force or approach anything and ride the wave hoping he's too shy to say anything to me as well.And I'm gonna love the tension it's better than sex, PLUS, to be slightly vulgar, my bf is getting the best end of all this tension in the boudoir. I'm alive again. And he can feel it.I think I'll give myself advice, publicly just in case I can help. Try not to do it. Ask myself why I've been in a 5 year "eh"-type of relationship without passion, without romance. Ask myself why I was attracted enough to be loyal (ish) to a man I quite possibly don't enjoy 50% of the time.To anyone brave enough to Google this, you're not a bad person, let the guilt go, cuz I can't quite shake it. There's a reason for this, so figure out the reason before you make a decision.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2013): I too am very attractive to my guy's best friend. So here's my too long story (last paragraph for my advice):I've been dating my boyfriend(J) for 5 years and met his best friend(B) before we started dating but not by much. B and I quickly became really good friends to we share a lot of the same interests the same humor and sleep schedule( I'm a severe insomniac and so is he.) J is completely the opposite of every other guy I've dated, he's sweet, attentive, dependable and innocent. B on the other hand is everything I'm accustomed to, he's smart, driven, and hilarious.(along with being the "bad" boy) About a year ago B moved in with me and J(we had been living together about 3 years) because our other housemate moved out.(Oh the things I get myself into.) Two weeks ago J went away on a family trip.( I couldn't go because of work) Everything was fine until last Friday night. B invited some of his other friends over and we were all drinking. He and I stayed up after everyone left and stupidly kept drinking. I was drunk and fell to the floor and decided to just stay there and before long he was laying next to me. We just talked like normal for a while and then he let slip that he was attracted to me, I of course being the idiot I am blurted out the same and he put his arm around me. We got closer and almost kissed but we stopped it. B and I have since talked about it and we realized that if either of us would have let it go any further we wouldn't be the person the other is attracted to. I am very in love with J and we will more then likely be getting married soon.(his sister let it slip she helped him ring shop.) I will say yes and probably feel guilty for a while about what almost happened. I guess you really just have to think about it, I know I love my boyfriend and want to be with him forever. If you don't then don't lead him on no matter how afraid you are of being alone or how easy it is to just stay with him.(In my life experience that leads to divorce) Unfortunately my observation about dating your ex's friends is that it hardly ever works, there is something intriguing about that nice guy that's just a little different from what you have, but would you like or love him as much if he could do that to his best friend? Would he be always worried you could do the same to him? I see trust issues all over in that relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2012): Maybe u should talk to ur boyfriend nd end things before ur relationship gets too serious,but 1st u must ask the boyfriends friend if he loves u if he does u end ur relationship nd there u have it
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female
reader, rainagw +, writes (16 January 2011):
ive been crushing on my boyfriends best friend it all started last new years eve when my best friend almost hooked up with boyfriends best friend. My boyfriends very cute best friend. ANYWAY I got really jealous and ever since that night ive liked him. ONE NITE I texted him to see if he wanted to hang out with me the next day. MY boyfriend was going on a snowboarding trip. HE TEXTED me right away and he said we could hang out. we had alot of fun i got to know him on a more personal level. I DIDNT think about my boyfriend at all THAT day HE GAVE ME A RIDE home and after later on he called me to see when my boyfriend was coming home.how come he just didnt call my boyfriend instead he called me. MY boyfriend found out we hung out just me and him and he was furious. I Told him nothing happened and we r only friends. LAST aPRIL HE hAD STAYED OVER AND WE Stayed up and talked 4 hours talking about his broken marriage he had told everything bout them. WE started a friendship n started texting each other. LAST march my boyfriend went on another snowboarding trip i texted his friend and he was in the area he wanted to know if i wanted anything from 711 i thought that was so sweet he bought me coffee. HE ended up hanging out with me . I never told my boyfriend i invited him over. THE nEXT day he left something at our apt i let him come over but i never my boyfriend he came over before my boyfriend got home. FROM april - oct he was out of town and i found myself missing him and thinking bout him every day while he was away. WE became friends and i started to notice he said my name alot we started a friendship. I started to notice things when he came back to town . LIKE where ever i sat he sat next to me we both showed up at my boyfriends job he works at a pizzahut he shared his dinner with me and then the next week i shared my dinner with him. Then today he came over to pick up something my boyfriend had for him he called me and asked me to call him if i needed anything. He called me to let me know he was on his way after he left he said for me to call him if i get bored. IVE HAD feelings for him for over a year im now engaged to his best friend ive falling really hard for my fiance best friend im more drawn to him then ever. MY fiance asked him to be a groomens in our wedding i wish i didnt fell this way bout him but i do i need help how do i try to stop thinking bout him so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): i have fallen for my boyfriends best friend, it sucks. DO NOT go into denial, all that did for me is get him a girl friend. Which if you were wondering, DOES make you become insanley jelous but guilty at the same time. It is not a nice mix. I am not going to make this one for you, but you have a serious decision to make, does the friend like you enough to betray his best friend and go out with you? And do you dislike your boyfriend enough to go out with his BF?
Remember the consequences and weather you will benefit from them. Or just give up on re;ationships all together, cuts out a lot of headaches and saves a ton of tears for people who are worth it. GoodLuck!!!!
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female
reader, Clover.Wildgust  +, writes (13 November 2010):
If you love your boyfriends best friend you should think if you dump your boyfriend then his best friend might not like you through his best friends suffering and if your boyfriend cares alot about you then I would stay with him. But you can always change your mind later.
Clover. Wildgust xxx GOOD LUCK
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): well as everyone seems to be telling their own story, here goes: (apologies for the long winded story)
I met my now boyfriend when I left school and went to college. I was already seeing someone else. A girl, and I was really in love with her. It was a small college group, and the class sort of split into two groups of friends, and so I was spending a lot of time with my now boyfriend. To be quite honest I wasn't that fond of him. I thought he was grumpy and misserable, and I didn't find him great to be around, kind of depressing.
Anyway, I ended up breaking up with my girlfriend and this guy tells me ho loves me and that's why he's so misserable all the time. (It figures right, he fancies a lesbian)
I was really cut up about breaking up with this girl. I went in to self-distruct mode. I took every drug I could get hold of, was self-harming and was generally not in a good way. I stopped seeing any of my friends and burnt every bridge.
When I came out the other side, my (now) boyfriend was the only person remaining, and I loved him for not giving up. He drove me crazy at the time, but I was glad in the end.
So I guess I felt obliged to give the relationship a go. Which I did. I took up his hobbies and befriended his friends. Life seemed to be going alright. My family liked him and he liked them.
It was a while down the line when I realised his best friend was now, the best friend I had too. It seemed like he just 'got me' I could talk in riddles and he could understand how I felt. I never was good at getting my feelings across, I get very muddled up and usually just give up and say 'never mind' and try to forget it. It was different with his best friend, I could say very little but it would feel like I had told him everything and the weight was lifted. He said he found me intrguing and wanted to understand me, and I felt the same about him.
Then out of the blue one day he tells me that he loves me. We carried on as normal for a while. I was still seeing my current boyfriend. They were still friends. We all still hung out. But then a while down the line it got too intense. I kissed him and for a while I was cheating on my boyfriend. Meeting up with his friend, when he was at work etc. (It never came to anything more than a few kisses, but it was the time spent with him when my boyfriend wasn't there that felt really special.)
Then enevitabley, I had to choose, one or the other. I loved them both for different reasons. I could never see a real relationship coming from what I had with his best friend. I loved him, and I wanted him to always be there. He felt like the other part of me that understood me when no one else bothered to listen. However, I was already so entwined in the relationship I had with my boyfriend, I could see us lasting forever.
Anyway I chose to stay with my boyfriend. He decided to flee the country. He met another woman and didn't speak to my boyfriend for about a year or tell him why he had gone.
Not so long ago he came back into my boyfriends life, apologising for fleeing without saying anything and explaining that he thought he had been in love with me but had been wrong. Now they are all friends again, but I can't talk to his best friend anymore. I still love him and I miss him terribley. I wish I had someone to talk to that understood me.
I'm now engaged to my boyfriend, and I have a beautiful son with him. I feel so guilty for treating him the way I did. Even worse thinking I'd do it again for that kind of connection.
I just don't know what to do anymore, I got myself in too deep.
I advise, that you just be clear with everyone from the start. Don't be affraid of losing people, because you can't go on lying, you'll lose them both if you can't choose.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): Like a lot of you ladies I might be falling for my boyfriends best friend. See it all started way before my bf and i started to go out. I liked both guys for completely different reasons. One for being a sweet and caring guy the other for being mysterious, kinda shy, but a bad boy.
I met both guys separately I use to work with my now boyfriend and had classes with his best friend. I started to like them with out even knowing they were friends. When I found out that not only were they friends but they were BEST friends since the 6th grade, I felt very awkward. I had decided to not do anything and just become good friends with both of them.
As time went by, both guys were falling for me... I know I might sound cocky, but one can tell. I tried to ignore everything and just pretend that it wasn't true, but I couldn't. When I was finishing up my community college and getting ready to transfer to a university, things got crazy. My now boyfriend expressed his feelings for me. I was in shock, but at the same time I kinda wanted to see if his friend would ever tell me that he like me too.
I knew I was kidding myself with him, cause he is a very good friend and would never do anything to hurt someone who has been like his brother. Even if he did like me just a bit, he would never say anything cause he knew his friend liked me too.
Sure enough his friend never told me anything. But I know now that he did like me cause our friendship hasn't been the same since I started to date my boyfriend. When ever it is just the two of us, he is happy and alive but the second he is reminded that I am dating his best friend he becomes very cold with me. Its sad, I feel really bad cause I never meant to hurt him. I am pretty sure my boyfriend knew that he like me too cause when ever the 3 of us are hanging out he is more clingy with me and it bugs me.
Any-who, I am very much in love with my boyfriend. I am so happy with him, but I would be lying if there hasn't been times were I wonder how my life would be different. I'm I a bad person to be thinking like that? The longer I am with my boyfriend the less I think about the other guy, but some how he is always there when I need my boyfriend the most. (and my boyfriend is nowhere to be found) He listens to me, and make me feel appreciated (things my boyfriend doesn't do often). The other day I went to go and hang out with him at his house and we had a great time just the two of us, laughing, playing the wii, cooking. It was a fun time.
I know I love my boyfriend, we were each others first and I can see myself being with him for the rest of my life. But that is just the thing, am I scared to let him go because he is a for sure thing? I'm I just settling to settle? Am I scared to let go of what I have, cause I could be rejected by his best friend because their friendship is everything to them? I don't know, I just don't know anymore.
My Advise: I really don't know, I guess if things are really complicated and you really love both men dearly, then get out of the relationship and leave before their own friendship comes crashing down. (See the thing is, friendships between men in my opinion are much stronger that friendships between women. I woman can go through so many BFFs but a man only considers those who truly touch their heart. So if you could save their friendship you will have such a genui feeling in you knowing it is the right thing to do) Yes I know it will hurt, but maybe it will feel better than feeling guilty for not knowing what you truly feel in your heart! But hey I really don't know cause I am in the same boat. LoL maybe I should take my own advise LOL.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): So here it goes, sorry this is such a long storyI've been with my boyfriend for 6 years now (I'm 23) and from the very beginning it seemed like we would be together forever. it was love at first sight. we went through 2 years of long distant relationship meeting up every 3 months and talking everyday. we then moved to the same country and moved in together 2 years ago. and that's when things started going bad. last year i revealed that I 'cheated' on him in the first 2 weeks of us being together, I was drunk and it was only a kiss and come on I was a stupid 16year old girl that couldn't hold her alcohol. he revealed that he lied about cheating on me in the first year of our relationship (he said this girl kissed him in a club) because he wanted me to feel jealous and he didn't want to lose me. From then on it all went to hell. Going from what I thought was the most amazing kind of communication with no taboos and millions of things to talk about to a lame excuse for a relationship, where we would be afraid of each other. we started fighting over trivial things like housework, taking our stress out on each other as we both lead very stressful lives. shortly after I moved in he started inviting his friends (also my co-workers) over almost every day of the week just to avoid me. I would hang out with them but I was so bitter. he would completely ignore me when he was with them and I would end up shutting myself into my head and being anti-social. i felt trapped and lost. Anyhow that's how i met his now best friend. he would give me the attention i so needed. he seemed much more considerate to my needs and that showed from little things such as closing the window when I was cold for example (after asking my bf and him refusing to close it). the worse it got at home the more i was attracted to him. my boyfriend is very people smart so he realized what was going on and asked me about it. I couldn't hide it. he ended up TELLING his mate about it, i had to face him at work and apologize for my feelings and this mess.After that we were on and off. when I brought up the conversation of us seeing other people he thought to mention that he kissed his neighbour, and good friend, on a drunken night after a party at OUR place, WHILE i was passed out on the couch. after all the s**t he gave me about having an attraction to his best friend he had already cheated on me with his friend. I ended up moving out after my boyfriend in addition broke up with me. i moved into a new place and started over. but after a while we said we'd give it another shot but living in our own apartments. so we ended up hanging out the 3 of us (me, bf, crush) and for a time it was a great, we all got what we wanted. i was still attracted to him but tried to ignore it or at least live with it.so i decided to open up a conversation about moving in together again, since i ended up spending most of my time at his place, and how we would make it work. i thought we had a descent conversation about it since we came up with a lot of things to do to avoid fighting on a daily basis. but then my bf invited this other girl that has just started hanging out with us not even 3 weeks ago to live with him because she was complaining about her current housemates and she wanted to move out. WTF right??? he admitted he freaked out by my asking to move in together but i assumed that we had the sort of relationship where we talked over things like adults. after this blow and with him being cold and mean to me, while being nice to everyone else, i broke up with him yesterday :( i'm too tired of feeling bad about myself and having to apologize for my 'misbehavior' when he is just the same. it's just not working out. now i've lost both of them and our cat that i adore so much because i cant be in a love-less relationship. and i already have a substitute (the new girl that's moving in). i still have a crush on his mate but i try and deal with it. we've never done anything naughty together, even though in my eyes the attraction is mutual. and we haven't even talked about it.so my advice to you girls is: once u start having feelings for another man especially ur bf's mate most of the time it's because the relationship with ur bf is not going well and ur getting the attention you so rightfully deserve from the friend. telling your bf about it can lift a huge weight off your shoulders and things CAN look up from there. however watch out for paranoia from your bf's behalf. if the mate is a descent guy he'll stand by your bf. a woman can never substitute for a man-love relationship, 'bros before hoes' as they say. lastly don't let anyone crush ur confidence and always trust yourself and your feelings even though they're not always right at least you get to learn from your mistakes and grow as a person. i don't think i'll hook up with anyone for a long time. the two men i love i cannot have.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010): As with everyone else on this post, I am in the same boat. Been dating my bf for almost 4 years... have been falling for his best friend since I met him (6 months into the beginning). I've had time to contemplate the outcomes and possibilities from every angle. I do not hate my bf, he's actually my best friend, but I do believe and have known for some time that he is not the one I am going to spend my life with.I've gotten mixed signals from his best friend (one of my friends now) and even if I break up with my bf, and if his best friend does feel the same, I don't think I would ever feel right about being anything more than friends with his best friend. I despise myself for feeling this way... and have tried and tried to make my feelings go away, I thought I could. I've tried avoidance (which doesn't really work when it's your bf's best friend), I've tried forcing my mind to think of all of the bad things about him, and have tried being mean to him to keep him at a distance. None have worked. This situation is a lost cause, and I've realized that the only outcome this situation can have is one of me, breaking up with my bf, saying good-bye to his best friend, and leaving their friendship intact. It's all I can do to salvage something in this heinous triangle of confusion and torture.If any of you feel about your bf as I do about mine, then step out of his and his best friend's lives and allow them to stay friends, because I don't think anything hurts quite as much as betrayal by your best friend and significant other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): I think I have different advice for most. My advice is to just go with your heart and intuition, whatever that may be. I had a situation like this a while ago. I had a boyfriend, but I was in love with his friend. We were all neighbors and I used to cook and chat with my friend,and watch movies, I had more in common with him than with my boyfriend - we had even worked at the same job at one point. I decided to not do anything because of my love for my boyfriend. Long story short, my boyfriend ended up leaving me, telling me he didnt love me, and that he also missed his ex-girlfriend. When I look back, I realize that my boyfriend was kind of condescending, arrogant, and didnt really treat me as well as my friend, who was kind, considerate, and patient with me even when I was blind in my judgement. I no longer talk to my ex and only seldom talk to my friend anymore. Perhaps my friend was never attracted to me, or perhaps he has found someone else by now, but the point is it took me a year to work up the guts to tell my friend how i feel about him and I hope that I have not lost his friendship forever. At the end of the day, you regret the mistakes you didnt make more than the ones you did. I loved my friend and I still do, and when I look back the love I had for my boyfriend is really not as strong, even though it seemed important at the time. He is not talking to me but Im still proud that I took a risk. Sometimes as women we do not choose the best men, and sometimes the best men present themselves as friends and not as romantic prospects. The important thing is to learn the kind of person that is actually good for us, and sometimes we learn this more from our friends than from our alleged romantic interests.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): i now how that is me and my boyfriend have been together for almost three years and recently i have developed serious feelings for his good friend and we are falling in love. i still love my boyfriend but i love his friend also. i am choosing to end my relationship with the friend though because i know that my boyfriend will be the one to be there for me through it all. i think a girl should choose the one she knows will stand by her and not flake when things get messy
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2010): im the same as you i hate my boyfriend and love his best friend, i recently told him and it just made me embarrassed to be around him at first but after a couple of weeks he said if it was not for my boyfriend he would be with me, i say just go for it what have you got to lose if you don't like your boyfriend any more. you could get with the friend and he could be the one for you. it was the best decision i made telling him as i can be myself around him now and get the occasional kiss and more when my boyfriend is not there, we are now totally in love and trying to find a nice way of telling my boyfriend
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2010): uh man this is soo hard to know what to do! i don't love my boyfriend, but i really do care about him a lot and when i'm with him i know i'm crazy about him. he's done absolutely nothing wrong, but then i just like his friend as well... quite a lot! i keep thinking it's best not to break up and ruin everything we have, but then surely it's wrong to be with him knowing i like his mate :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2010): I have been working with this guy for 7 years now. I had a serious boyfriend who was an asshole thru this time period and this guy was always there for me. He took the next step an invited me to a party when we were on a break. That boyfriend came to the party and nothing more came about the situation except a few fun nights but nothing ever happen. Years later, he now has a girlfriend who I personally do not like and he has just recently moved in with her. Strangely I am now dating his best friend for about 2 years. We have so much unfinished business and chemistry between us it has started to escalate at work. One day he texted me and it turned into a huge conversation of us both admitting things but he was quick to take them back saying he was innocent and trying to just be my friend saying I deserved to be treated right. I felt like an idiot and stopped myself from continuing to talk. We work together and everything is fine, we have progressed with this conversation and over the past month the texting has increased and we have fully admitted our feelings to each other. we have decided we are both scared but in a perfect world we would be together. We both know each other longer than our significant others. He drove me home from work the other day and we drove and talked for 2 hours. I have never cheated. But I did. We kissed not even thinking twice about it. He says he is so sorry be we must forget it happened and move forward. We're both miserable in our present relationships and have loved each other for years. We're both on the same page but he isn't staying as strong as I am. I don't know what to do. HELP.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2010): Tell your boyfriend, he has the right to know. then ask the friend if he has feelings for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2010): Hello... I dont know why im writing this, i came to my conclusion recently but i needed to tell someone my story.Someone who dont know me personally and probably wont judge or sympathize with me,the way my friends do.What happens when you look someone and what you see is... yourself lying with eyes closed in the shadow of a beautiful tree,next to a big lake,in a sunny day?I cant describe otherwise the way i feel when i look at him.I dont know if its love but i do know that i never ever in my entire life felt this way.Unfortunately he is a very good friend of my boyfriend.Just for the record probably he has given me some signs of him liking me,but when something like that happened my mind blocked and immediately started thinking that my mind is playing with me.So im not really sure if he likes me.My conclusion is that im not gonna make a move,and the thought that crossed my mind makes me feel really ashamed.Because neither of them deserves to feel bad just for my selfish actions,tho my ex boyfriend has hurted me more than once.Maybe i care about his friend that much that i just dont want him to go through this situation.I wish i was a person with more courage and i could claim what i want.Thank you for reading this,and honestly i dont advise you to do what i decided to do,because probably you will regret it for the rest of your life and what the hell we only got one :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): Omg I feel your pain...I just broke up with my boyfren of 3 years, then I fall for a guy who ends up REALLY liking me, however I get along with his bestfren sooo much easier, even teachers can't help that think we are together. The other guy has already told me that if I fall for his fren and leave him (it has happended before) that he would kill me. I kept reassuring him that i wouldn't fall for his fren buuuuttt as more ppl begin to see how great his fren and I get along I can't help but wonder if we could be good for eachother?...I dont want to hurt anyone or break them apart cause they are so good when with eachother...
So if it helps I am not keeping my distance and perhaps keeping this to myself and some close frens (who said they saw this coming).......and what happens happens, I know I like both of them but i wouldn't want to cause trouble...
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reader, Kitty10 +, writes (9 February 2010):
I'm in the same situation.
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years we've been on breaks.
I used to love my boyfriend like crazy he was all I thought about until his mate came along..it wasn't an instant thing I mean I found him attractive but at that moment in time my boyfriend was the one for me. Anyway we go out every Monday and I've been realising that me and his mate have a lot in common and recently I cant help but think about him he gives me this feeling what my boyfriend doesn't to be honest I'm falling out of love for my boyfriend..all I think about is his mate and I do get some signs of interest from the other party :/ I could do with some help too
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2010): So okay, I think it is an obvious one that I have fallen for my boyfriends best friend. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and two months now. I do love him so much, but after about 6 months ago, things started changing. At first, we would laugh and talk till the time he would have to get up and go to work, Party on weekends with his friends, and have sex till the neighbors were starting to go to work the next morning. Then 6 months into it i started realizing things. My boyfriend drinks alot, he has had history with women that did not end up good at all and who screwed him over, now giving me the shit they left behind. We recently moved in together, and thank god it's all in my name. He complains to me all the time, he can be nice sometimes, but that intensity that I thought was so strong between us is fading, and fast. Well I ended up becoming best friends with a girl who my boyfriend has been friends with forever. (he has known his group of friends for like 16 years). She ended up telling me one night that her and my boyfriend have slept together like 3 times about 2 years ago. Made me feel a little self concious but I know she was telling me because she wanted to be honest. Then she started seeing my boyfriends best friend. Since then we have all hung out, partyed till late hours, and just was there to watch the games and fights. Well things started changing when New Years hit. That night we were all having a good night. THen my boyfriend got again too drunk and ended up saying in front of everyone that I'm not that pretty all the time and that he's hott cause he wakes up that way. Okay I am not concieted nor am I insecure, I know I am a good catch and damnit I look pretty when I wake up too! But then after those loveley comments my boyfriend made, he decided he wanted to go home and leave me there. So I stayed. I honestly had the best time that I havent been having in forever. His friend that I have gotten to be good friends with (also the one that my best friend is now screwing..screwing only by the way) started to make me get butterflies. He would always say stuff like " look at you, your smile can light up the room, isnt her smile amazing?(asking others in the room). It made me feel so good but I was so cautious cause ofcoarse I didn't want to be that girl. Well as the night progressed, my best friend started to notice the fact that my boyfriends best friend and I were so connected. We would be talking in a room full of people and just be so intensely connected to eachother and eachothers eyes. He ended up telling me that night that He had heard of me first and that he could be the one making me happy. He said that he has been falling for me since the day he saw me and that he thought I was so down to earth that he didnt know why my boyfriend treats me the way he does. I ended up telling him why he didnt tell me this the day he met me and why he hasn't said anything. I was so sad saying why couldn't it have been you, why did you not say anything when you know I could have been making you happy, and you appreciating it and making me even happier. Then we ended up kissing so passionately that I thought that I was melting into him. We didnt even use the damn tounge but just eachothers lips on the others was enough chemistry to start a battery. The next morning we knew we had to talk about what happend, considering he was physical with my best friend and wants nothing more, and the fact that we professed feelings when we still love my boyfriend and his best friend. We decided it can't be talked about and left it at that. Since then he told my best friend whom he is seeing that he has wanted me from the moment he saw me and that if it wasnt for my boyfriend living in the same condo's as I did that he would have me. I felt bad when she told me because not only do I still love my boyfriend regardless if were fading, but that my best friend who is like the other pea in my pod had to hear it. She knew that I would never do anything to hurt her , but I was honest with her cause I do love her. Funny thing is is that night she tried kissing me too. Yah lets just say the New Year rang with alot of confusion. Now here I am 2 weeks later and all three of us are going to a bar to watch a show. I know that he and I are going to have to be on our best behavior but it's so hard. How can I look at him and not desire the lips that brought me back to life. I know we will probably never be, but damn I know we want to. I feel so bad for my boyfriend, but at the same time, if he loved me as much as he said he did, when I try talking to him he just pushes my words away and basically says F**** YOU. I don't know what to do, think, feel, say, or anything. For the last of this I will say to all of you lovely ladies and gentleman that we are not bad people. Were not sluts, we not whores, and we aren't the girls that can be passed like a pipe. We have feelings and sometimes God can bring us suprises in the weirdest packages. So to all of you good luck, whether your stories ended with joy or sadness, atleast know that you are not the onyl one and that you can be strong enough to always love yourself more than anyone else. Thank you for your stories as well because not only do I feel like I am not alone, but that there are good people out there that make mistakes, and all in the name of L0VE. Best wishes and love to you all3 Next morning, it was so weird, we woke up and talked about what happend. We ended up kissing that night
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): this exact thing happend to me. I was with my boyfriend on and off for 2 years around my junior year i was noticing how i felt about his friend. once i noticed it all went crazy from there i started going over his friends house all the time just to hang out with him and i found that even though i loved my boyfriend the feelings i had for his friends were deeper and different. but once i noticed it seemed he did to and that when we began hanging out without my boyfriend and we really hit it off. one night when me and the friend were texting he told me he felt the same way. i tried to break up with my boyfriend and when i did he told me he already knew just by the way his friend and i were together but sometimes people have reasons for coming in and out of your life and you just have to take it one day at a time and know if there is a big spark than you shouldnt let the chance pass up.
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reader, KatieCake +, writes (4 January 2010):
Hi. sorry, this is along story but i hope someone could take the time out to help me cos im in such a bad state right now!
im going through the same thing right now! i dont no what to do! me and my ex broke up a few weeks ago now -but was just on a break- last night we fully broke up. but i no my ex boyfriend wants to get back with me. Although on new years eve i went to my ex boysfriends house for a drink up (me and my friends go there alot with my ex and his friends ALL time even while me and my ex were on break so it was nothing really special anyway). me and my ex boyfriend were the drunkest there, only like 1 other person was abit tipsy. me and my ex got in another augument! (we always aruge everyday even thoe not going out!) but the whole time i was at his bestfriends house, me and his friend were getting on VERY well from my eyes. at one point one of my friends was sitting on my ex's bestfriend lap, facing him, and i got VERY jelous. then later on me and my ex's friend was sitting down stairs and then he asked me to sit on his lap, so i did. but then my ex came down stairs! as he was drunk he didnt go mad but he wasnt happy. his best friend lied and said i was only sitting like tht cos we couldnt hear eachother talk, then i got of. although every time the front room was emty, i got back on his lap and jumped of when someone came in. later on i layed on the bed, then he came and layed next to me. there was 3 other people in the room so everything we done was secrate udner the covers. for example throughout the wholeeee time we layed down together we were holding hands and everything (not kiss though although our faces did get close a few times) and he got abit touchy :P. but anyways aha, about 7 o'clock the next morning everyone went apart from his other friend but was sleeping in the bed other side on room. my exs bestfriend had he's arm round me, held my hand, hugged me, and asked me to lay ontop of him and everything. (we also went down on the sofa again and i sat on his lap like before and held hands) it was so nice and i like him soooo much its unreal. my bestfriend said she think he probley does like me but i dont no. i need help, i dont no what to do! i would even go to the lengh of going out secretly with him! i think i love him! its just i need to no how he feels about me, then maybe we can talk about what to do! pleaseeeee someone help lol!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2009): Dear MSL,
Are you certain your boyfriend's best friend will risk their friendship to be with you? This is a key piece of information!!!! I am just being nosy since i wrtoe about my experience with this situation on here (the one before yours).
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reader, msl +, writes (26 December 2009):
Yes, I am in the same boat. I just recently realized that I have a huge crush on my boyfriend's friend. I find his friend very attractive and can't stop having thoughts about me and him being together. I still love my boyfriend, and would never want to hurt him, but I really want to know what it would be like to be with his friend. I am even considering breaking up with my boyfriend, just so it would not seem so harsh if his friend and I did get together. And I am not looking for a one night stand with his friend, I want a relationship with him. I hate being in this situation, but I am falling for his friend and can't stop thinking about him. His friend and I even facebook friends, and my boyfriend has no clue. If he did, I believe he would already be suspicious.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): I would absolutely agree with the previous comment from the anonymous male! I went through this situation and can say from experience that it will NOT end in your favor. My feelings for my Boyfriend's best freind got overwhelming strong to the point where I went ahead and told him I had a crush on him and that I didn't expect anything to come of it but thought he should know. I know now, I was being selfish thinking he would tell me what I wanted to hear. A little history: I started noticing that when we glanced at each other, I felt chemistry. He would say and do things that made it "SEEM" like he would sweep me off my feet if I weren't dating his friend. Notice I said "SEEM". One day my coworkers and my friends went to a festival. The next day they told me that they saw a lot of chemistry between us and thought we made a cute couple and were sure he liked me. This made my suspicions even more real. We would hang out practically every weekend and I was analyzing every move he made and word he said. I came to the conclusion that the only way I would get an answer would be to go to the source. Well I did, and things were fine. We were still friends and he said he was flattered and would keep our surprisingly "friendly" and completely innocent conversation a secret. After all, I thought I made it clear that I did not want to be with him but I just had to get this off my chest. We have never come close to hugging in the wrong manner and so I thought life was good. Boy was I wrong. Three weeks later, he told my boyfriend that my boyfriend needed to keep his "chick in check" which floored me and also told him that I liked him and portrayed to him that I wanted to be with him, which was a lie because I never used inappropriate language. I thought I was pretty classy about the who thing actually. But in the end, my boyfriend was hurt and pissed but wants to work things out because he knows nothing happened between us. However, my boyfriend still talks to his friend when I am not around. What a mess I got myself into by acting on intuition. LADIES, DONT ACT ON YOUR FEELINGS! TALK TO YOUR BOYFRIEND AND GET OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP BEFORE YOU EVEN TRY TO LIKE SOMEONE ELSE. SPEND AT LEAST SIX MONTHS BY YOURSELF AND YOU WILL REALIZE HOW MANY FISH THERE ARE IN THE SEA!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2009): I would strongly suggest NOT entertaining this notion, as the potential for pain for any one of you is great, and the "payoff" is equally uncertain for any of you.You'll certainly hurt your boyfriend. You'll create an ultimatum situation for his best friend, who doesn't deserve any of it. He may choose his best friend over you and report your advances to your boyfriend, which will again hurt him. At that point you've hurt both of them and you'll likely get dumped, not to mention they may tell everyone in your group of friends which not only hurt your feelings, but will make others shun you as well.It sounds like you may need to communicate some things to your boyfriend. He needs to know that there has been a loss of attraction over the last few months and together you need to work out why. Perhaps it is time to split, but to at least formally talk and come to that conclusion is more respectful to him AND yourself then going behind his back.At any rate, I would consider his friend off limits regardless, as that would be a selfish thing to strain his friendship with his friend as well as your and his friendship. There are millions of guys out there, so if things do seem like they need to end with your current boyfriend, do so without a backup man plan. I see too many women jump from one man to the next and it has always puzzled me. Why be satisfied with grabbing the first thing you see out of someone else's shopping cart when to adventure out alone for awhile gives one the opportunity to shop around and choose. Not only do you not make friends by engaging in such behaviour, but it limits what one comes in contact with. Being single is not a bad thing! It allows time to make a good assessment of suitors, rather than "just whatever" you find.Hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): I think that's not a good indication. Might ruin their friendship and your relationship. I suggest you not to talk to the friend. It's just a stage. It will pass. :D
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): im defintly in the same situation.
i have been going out with my bf for almost 7 years and the spark is fading...we dont have sex but if we do im the one that has to iniate is (last time was in may!! and its now december..so there must be something wrong he doesnt like talking bout things he just chooses to ignore all our problems and quite frankly im getting sick of it which is make me even more attracted to my mate) and he never touches me..hes always playing xbox and never really comes and sits with me he says my time is at night (but how can i spend time with him when he sleeps!) he also anoys me by tickleing me or messing up my hair or pulling me backwards to the ground and when i tell him to stop he thinks its funny and still does it to me it feels like theres no respect and is pushing me closer to my mate...the thing is i had some luck and won lotto so now i dnt know if my bf is with me for the moeny or coz he loves me and he wont sign a personal property agreement but i have hurd more then twice that he was going to break up with me b4 this. we are both 22 and have been living together for a year and a half... then there is his mate....who i have been best mates with ever since i meet my bf... ages ago something happend between us but we both chose to ignore it and now last weekend it happend again. i have always had feelings for him and now they are getting stronger so i sucked up and plucked the courage to tell my mate how i feel..he said he doesnt know what to feel and need time to think..then said he wants to talk to me tonight....im sooo confused, i dont know what to think. am i attracted to him because hes always there for me or is it something deeper at the sametime im to scard to break up with my bf for fears of he'll do something nasty...but then i know its the right thing to do even if he trys taking me to court to try n take half of wht i own and thats a lot these days...im seriously stuck and it makes me sick that i have to hide it all away i cant tell anyone because i know it will evently get out because my friends are big mouths..im going crazy inside...i hope this talk goes ok tonight....but dont want to get my hopes up...as 4 my bf i have seen all his covos on msn and there was one where he promises that he will go and sleep with this chick b4 he dies (crazy i know...)when we broke up the first time he started dating one of my friend...(i knew he was but he chose to hide it from me) dont get me wrong he does have his good points...the other thing is in all the 7 years i have never had one valintines day present or flowers or anything like that which makes me think if he really apreciates anything i do 4 him he says he doesnt belive in it that also goes for any other holiday apart from xmas...on the other hand my best mate (his mate) is always there for me, makes me happy, my heart flutters and i get the swetty palms...its a love like i never felt b4. i keep thinking that if i dont tell my best mate how i feel then i could be missing out on an opp of a life time but then we would both loose a friend. this is a nightmare and im seriously considering some sort of counciling...if only it was as easy and clicking you fingers and it all woring out ok but i know its not going to be easy at all and im in way too deep not to get out of this and theres no way i can deni how i feel atm....help me too please!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): Thing is... us girls love attention, from ANYONE. We love the "bad boy" image and we love "lost puppy" syndrome. So if this mate of his has a slightly cocky attitude and you'd feel 'wrong but oh-so-right' by doing anything with him, you are just craving some drama. Or if this guy is soo unbelievably sweet that he deserves a nice girl to treat him right..... 'why can't that be me!' Then he has that adorable lost puppy thing going on where you want to be his saviour. Either way, it's not good!
Another thing about us is that we read too much in to EVERYTHING, something so much as a guy holding a door open for us can give us false hope, we are ridiculous! And then if you keep analysing every small detail in your head you are going to jump to conclusions and then if let your emotional state get hightened enough for you to say something to his mate, then of course he is going to agree to some feelings! All single guys are jealous if their best mates are in a stable relationship with a girl who from the outside must seem like the most understanding girl in the world but then they haven't seen the whole picture, have they?
You are NOT falling for your boyfriends best mate unless you are not inlove with your boyfriend anymore!
The only thing that is happening is the same thing that happens when your own best mate dates someone who is rubbish for her and you wish you could find her a decent bloke, the only difference being you do see yourself taking over that role because you maybe aren't a lesbian and your friend doesn't have a penis!
At the end of the day, I think I'm saying all this more to convince myself than the rest of you. Love is a strange thing! I've been with my fella for 5 years now, I truly love him (I'm engaged for christ's sake) and yet everyday I'm developing more and more feelings for his best mate (why else would I be writing on here instead of completing my overdue assignments). I don't plan on telling my fiance and I certainly don't plan on telling his mate as I truly believe this to be a crush and that I see certain personality traits in this guy that I wish my other half would have. I have told my one best friend who gives fantastic advice just so I can have someone know how hard it is for me to sit at the same table and look at him nevermind blurting all these feelings out! I love the person who put the 'vampire strength' analogy on here because that is exactly what it feels like it's taking to stay quiet but I'm building my hopes on the fact that it is JUST A CRUSH and I'll get over it. (Even though I feel so strongly now I don't think it is and the thought of him with another girl is just painful!)
Why do certain men have this kind of pull?? (He has the lost puppy syndrome, by the way!)
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2009): So yeah, I totally think my boyfriends bestfriend is so hott and would love to get with him. My boyfriend is a really great guy and special. I have had fantasies about my boyfriends bestfriend. It sucks. But what can ya do. It just causes way to much drama and in the end they will make up and you will be shut out. Its putting yourself in the line of fire personally i think. its not a good place to be at all. It will just end bad and also there will be soo much drama and stress. There all other guys.. you will just look like a Slut. First step breaking up with your boyfriend and giving it some time for him to heal and hopefully find someone else and then maybe you can go after his bestfriend. But it takes time.
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reader, Lucphie +, writes (23 November 2009):
I am in the same situation as you.
I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 1/2 years and met his friend about 4 years ago and started to fancy him. He went away for a year and I was really glad because I could forget all about him. He came back and started to become really good friends with my boyfriend. The first couple of week were fine, but then all of these feelings came flooding back for him. I think about him ALL the time, from when I wake in the morning to when I fall asleep at night, I can't get him out of my head.
I hate myself for feeling this way about him, esp seen as my boyfriend could not get more perfect. I told my boyfriend how I felt about his friend (he prob guessed at first) and suprisingly he is 'ok' about it, says that thinking about someone else in a sexual way is fine.
Something really stupid happened with his best friend and myself - we sextexted when we were drunk. Then later on I told him I liked him. He has not been distant but I know he does not feel the same way.
I have been going crazy, or at least feeling like I have. Crying all the time, making my self distant, taking things the wrong way. My boyfriend talked to his friend about it for advice on helping me and his friend says (to me) he wants to help me in anyway that he can to get me happy again. He is such a good person caring, thoughtful, helpful - the best friend anyone can have.
I really want to get over him, but everyday it gets harder - I'm falling behind on my work, not socialising. What I have thought of doing is avoiding him all together, cut off all ties. It was how I didn't think of him much last year. This option will be very difficult as he socialises with my boyfriend everyday.
I live with my boyfriend and have been for 3 1/2 years now. It is horrible how I feel about my boyfriends best friend while I am going out with my boyfriend, I think I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend and I have told him that I think I want to end things between us, he is refusing to let me go and I am really scared of starting my life again. No way could we still live together and not go out anymore. Everytime I try and talk about this with my boyfriend he refuses to let me talk about it and says he does not want to discuss it.
I don't have any friends to talk about this to as his friends are my friends and I don't want to get them involved because it is just wrong - the 'best friend' says if I need to talk to him I can and he will promise to give impartial advice. I am so tempted to talk to him, but I know it is just wrong.
I am so confused.
I know I have been no help with this post - I'll give it a go - try and avoid contact with him so you can forget about him? If you think you want to stay with your boyfriend write down all the good things about your boyfriend and why you and his best friend will not work out (bad things about him).
I am sorry I am no help
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): Wow!My situation is kinda...worse lol
Ive been with this PERFECT guy for three years now! When I met him I couldnt believe someone like me was bestowed with such a rare thing! He is down to earth, natural, himself, funny, undrstanding, random..perfect for me. Well he had gained this best friend of his about a year 1/2 ago. They are like glue. And I gained my first BEST friend last year too. Our two bestfriends started DATING. So we were the basically the fantastic four! We got in michief together, hung out every weekend. We four were always hanging out! [[Although me and my bf's Best friend hated each other in the beginning aha.]] So this past summer the two broke up. And then me and my best friend tore apart.[[crazy reasons.]] So now its just me, my bf, and his best friend. I hate my past friend with a passion but i still care for her. Like a sister. And my bf is great I love him. I couldnt imagine him not always being there. Partner wise. But now his friend is ALWAYS on my mind. Whenever we talk our differnt personality's blend nicely together and our opposing idead is crazy! I can talk to him for hours! So after a while I just reluctantly accepted that I have major feelings for him. An he is the type of guy who couldnt EVER be with his friends ex. Now my bf is trying to get him hooked up with this whore[[jealousy]] and it takes vampire strength not to scream and keep a cool expression on my face. Of coarse I never offer to help them get together. I dont wanna lose my bf but I want his friend.Badly. But im not sure if I would go with my hearts plans if he magically liked me back because of my ex friend who i still love dearly like a star. So sometimes I dont even know if its worth day dreaming over. Im just soo confused.
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reader, pinklace  +, writes (27 October 2009):
Oh and i want to make clear that i was terribly in love with my bf until our relationship was added with problems and that i love him now but nothing more.Love him as a person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): Ok i ve got the same problem..Falling in love with my boyfriend's best friend after a great relationship.I love my bf and i do not want to hurt him.So i broke up with him and tried to get away from all.Thus i completely put aside my feelings and after one month we decided with my bf to try this again but this time free.No strings attatched!Well, i still have feelings for his friend.It is obvious that he enjoys this.He may be playing with me because he likes games or because he cant do anything more..The thing is that he and i can never be.So my advice to all those who are starting to fall for the boyfriend's best friend is just get away from there as soon as possible or you will end up really hurt!I am in this situation for a long time and there are two things i am wishing for.Either my boyfriend falls for another girl, or for me to fall for someone outside from the group!Ok having his best friend in love with another girl that will also do the job..
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): I posted the comment about Craig and John.Well, Craig and I ended it. Well, more like, he did. Now I'm in the situation where I'm in love with my EX-boyfriend's best friend. I know I have to tell him, but it's only been a month since we broke up, so I'm going to wait about a month or so more before telling John I have these feelings for him. I don't want him to think it's a rebound thing. I'll let everyone know how it goes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2009): So i'm in this situation currently. My bf moved to another state. We've been together for almost 3 years. I recently have been having dreams about his friend. (NOT HIM) i've always thought his friend was cute and so sweet. but i was in love wit my bf. Well i end up comin to the conclusion that ive fallen in love with his frend.
I had the courage to call him and tell him (the frend not the bf) and just poor my heart out. He was shocked. but it felt so good to tell him. He was kinda hurt for his frend but at the same time he was cool about it.
so i see him for the first time after tellin him about month later. and i melted. just bein around him makes me smile. and well he flirts with me. my frends were all there to witness it. idk wat to do cuz i love my bf and hes good to me. but yet at the same time i kinda hope to pursue something with the frend.
id never cheat on him. so if the frend chooses to say anything to me on whether or not he wants something, then id tell my bf b4 things got furthur.
dont kno if this helps. only thing i can say is it felt good to tell the frend. and hes OK wit it. I sometimes send him texts bein flirty and i did ask him at one point if it bothered him and he said no.
i feel like a lil girl bein in this situation. but its nice to kno im not the only one out there
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reader, AALAxBee +, writes (14 July 2009):
UPDATE!
Hey, so I actually posted earlier today and I figured something out. There are so many stories about this happening and everyone wants advice. Well, here is mine. After writing everything and praying about it and just really seeking my heart I told my boyfriend. I told him about everything (I was smart in the way I said it...not brutal) but he knows. Guess what? Its OKAY. He now doesn't have to wonder what he did wrong or where my head is, he and his best friend can get back on track, and I don't have to feel like I am hiding a million things.
Here are the basics, if he loves you, he will understand. I don't mean the love that is jealous or demanding. I mean the real love like 1 Corinthians 13:4 kinda love. My boyfriend (after I told him everything) replied "Look, I still love you and I still love him, you guys should have told me SOONER!" I know its hard being torn...as someone who has been there I understand. But, be true to yourself and your dignity, and trust that deep down, your heart knows whats up.
My bf and I talked about it, and I am going to learn to be single while I am studying abroad for the rest of the Summer. He told me now that guilt wasn't eating me that I should really be able to grow as a person and concentrate on the experience. He is still a little hurt, but is completely relieved that now he feels like he isn't in the dark, and the two friends are working it out. This is all to say, that if you stay true to your heart and you all really care about each other the way God made us to care about each other then you can work it out too. The best friend and I also talked and agreed to take it one step at a time and really look out for what was best for everyone. I hope this gives you all some small piece of hope. It can be okay...really. There is a plan (Jeremiah 29:11). I will be thinking and praying for you all.
-S
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reader, AALAxBee +, writes (13 July 2009):
Hey Ladies,
Okay, I never post to things like this, but I figured that maybe it would help. First, its nice to know I am by far not the only girl out there who has this love triangle thing going on. Second, I am so confused on what to do. So, I have been dating a wonderful guy for about a year, we are opposites which at first was great...but then the spark started to fade and I wasn't quite sure what to do because he really is a sweetheart.
His best friend and I have grown really close the year that my boyfriend and I have been dating, we joke about how we are best friends now outside of my relationship with my boyfriend. Before I realized I liked him we would seriously talk for hours and just hang out and it was wonderful and of course completely innocent (at least on my part.) Then one day I was talking to him and it literally hit my like lightening that I had feelings for him. That was about a month and a half ago...I had known he always thought I was cute because he always told my bf how he wished he could find a girl like me etc.
So, basically I ended up telling him (the best friend) because I told him I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to hang out with him for a while. In reply he told me that he had started to notice a change in his feelings to and liked me back. For the next month we talked all the time on text, AIM, and phone calls, to the point where I went on a break with my bf because I felt like it was so wrong to date someone when you had feelings for someone else.
The month that I was still with my bf but had told the best friend I liked him was one of the best of my life. I even met his family and hung out with them and it was so obvious to them that we had fallen for each other that they teased him about it after I left. The best friend and I agreed that I should try to make it work with my bf for the Summer and give it a fair shot. But, I had to take a break, I just felt so bad. About two weeks after I went on a break with the bf, the best friend and I met up and actually kissed (which was amazing btw) and stuff. Bad news is, we ended up hanging out with the whole crew right afterwards...so the best friend ended up getting really upset because he saw how heartbroken my ex? bf was and felt horribly guilty. Needless to say this caused a HUGE fight, because he started acting differently and I started getting overdramatic and defensive.
Things were amazing, but now I'm just confused. I was just doing what I thought was the right thing...and the way he is acting is forcing me to question his true feelings. But, when I have asked him if his feelings have changed because I kind of feel like a booty call (since he changed after we kissed) he got FURIOUS and was like I can't believe you would think I am that shallow! I thought you knew me better then that! and basically we haven't spoken since...I am studying abroad and so I am trying so hard to enjoy it and enjoy being 21 and stuff but the drama is killing me. I know I just need to let it go for a little while but I keep thinking about it and I miss all of them and the way the whole crew was last year.
But, I also know my feelings are real and I thought his were...but this whole situation has him really upset and I don't know if I have already ruined it somehow...I know this is rambling but there is so much I haven't even written...any advice would be appreciated. Just knowing I'm not alone helps a lot...I am really trying to do the right thing, and not ignore my heart at the same time. Though now I am terrified because I have given him the power to hurt me...ugh. Thanks ladies...I really appreciate it.
-S
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009): Oh, another thing, John is a musician, and he's absolutely brilliant at it. He doesn't have a band or anything, he just does it for himself. he's talented, cute, so so smart, and has everything in the world going for him. Craig doesn't even try. He stays angry or sad and takes it out on me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009): Okay, so, first of all, the names are being changed just to be safe. Craig is the boyfriend, John is the best friend.
I've been dating Craig since September of my Junior year in high school, in 2006. I've been best friends with John since my eighth grade year when I cheated off of him in science. When I started dating Craig, I still hung out with John and the rest of my friends, who had our own little group. Well, Craig and John developed a very strong friendship, and now John, Craig and I see considered a kind of trio. We all like all the same things. Playing halo, music, etc... Well, Craig and I broke up for like a month in March of 2008, and got back together in late April. We went back strong again but now it's just so full and lifeless. It's a chore. We're too comfortable. He doesn't like my family, so we hang out at his house all the time. He gets mad at me for the simplest of things. My grandfather passed away a couple of weeks ago, and I was really close to him. When I woke Craig up to tell him to get up and get ready because we needed to go to the hospital, he flipped out on me because I was crying and having a panic attack. He has been awful to me on and off. And he gets so angry when I wont have sex with him and he gropes me all the time when I ask him not to. He's never hurt me physically, but sometimes the way he talks to me or treats me makes me wish he would because it would hurt less. I don't want to leave him because I'm worried what it would do to him.
About John. As I said, he's my best friend. But also Craig's. Now I know for a fact that John has never been kissed, let alone been intimate with anyone. He's never even had a girlfriend. I know it's unusual because he's nineteen. Anyways, he's so sweet and innocent.
I just realized tonight when we went to the movies how attracted to him I really am. I knew I loved him, but I always thought it was kind of like a love for a brother, because I've never had a brother. Well tonight, we went to sonic after the movie, just Craig John and I. Well, John got one of those Reese's blast things and he could only eat a little of it. He offered it to me and I didn't want to waste effort trying to get another spoon so I was just going to use his. No big deal. Then I thought about it. John had used that spoon. He had put his lips on it. Then my mind ran away with me and before I knew it, I was thinking about kissing him. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Those feelings I had for John were more than friendly feelings. I realized I was hopelessly and irrevecobly in love with him. And I felt so stupid that I didn't see it before.
Now I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest because I know that I need to end it with Craig. I've known that for a while now. But John is so loyal to Craig now, I know he would never ever act on anything towards me. The thing is, I know if the circumstances were different, he would go for me. He already told Craig a long time ago that he wished he could find someone like me who is (quote) pretty, smart, loves music and likes video games because girls like her are rare(/quote). John and I will be going to college in the fall again, but this time we'll both be in the dorms. I was so happy because I would finally have someone to hang out with on campus. I now know that I need to tell him about it, but I'm going to wait until we're at school together. Maybe by then things will have changed. If not, I plan on telling him how I feel. Maybe even trying to kiss him if he'll let me. Maybe even if he doesn't suspect it enough to stop me. I don't know. I feel so awful. I could kill myself the way I feel right now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2009): I wrote about my story, this time last summer, and needless to say, my problem is STILL here. The one thing I've noticed about these posts is that not many of us have come up with a solution to our problem. I plan on breaking up with my boyfriend when I see him next. Aaand I also plan on telling his friend how I feel. I feel I need to tell him, even if nothing comes of it. I know I'll be devastated if he rejects me, and I'll basically have no one, but i'm gonna end up with no one anyway if I dont tell him. Oh, did I mention the little tiny detail that he now has a girlfriend... Which makes me seem like an even worse person.. But I can't help how I feel.So after so long of feeling the way I do, I'm going to summon up all the courage inside me to tell him the truth. *deep breath!* I'll let you all know how it works out. 'Till then, Fingers crossed. . .
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2009): I was so relieved to see other people in the same predicament as myself. I too have been in a relationship with a man for 4 years, on and off again, we've had our ups and downs. He's lived with me, he has a 5 year old with someone else and we are about 5 years in difference. I have no children of my own and neither of us has been married. I also have fallen deeply in love with his best friend. A friend who he calls "best" but deep down all three of us know, when it comes down to it, they aren't really THAT close.
The only difference in my situation is that I told my boyfriend of 4 years that I have feelings for his best friend but took all the blame and told him "I have no idea how your best friend feels for me" - this is wrong. I do know. His friend has told me for the last 3 years of my relationship that he is VERY MUCH in love with me, but now is just not the right time.
My boyfriends best friend and I have everything in common, we practically finish each others sentences. We could sit in a room full of people and never notice anyone else but the other.
Since telling my boyfriend, we've obviously split up. I do still love him but not sure if I am in love with him. The best friend has yet to tell my ex about how he feels and on a daily basis I wonder if he's lied to me about the feelings he says he has or if he's just scared to lose his friend.
I'm not sure what future holds for me, or either of them but I do know that my ex and i have a better trust for one another now that the truth is out there and everyone can deal with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): Hello Ladies, I am really glad to know that their are other women out there having the same feelings about their boyfriend's best friend. Here I thought i was the only one in the world. What makes my story worse is that I am engaged. I love my fiancee very much and am still in love with him but he has the greatest friend. THis guy is confident, intelligent, sexy, nice, has a lot of values and morals and seems like he really wants to take care of that special women. I find myslef wishing I were that special lady even though I am happy to be my fiancee's special lady. It is hard to hang out (being the only girl in the group) and hear all the single life stories and how many girls this guy can get without trying. I mean can get any girl he wants. SO, I think that basically my attraction to him is based in wanting to be with the guy who can have anyone but he choose me syndrom. My fiancee is also very sexy and I am proud to be his but the temptation of the lifestyle I could have with his friend and people seeing me with him is alluring for sure. I also think that I see he needs a faithful good girl which he constantly tells my fiancee I am. I think the moral of my story is that sometimes the fairytale doesnt end well and for all your ladies contemplating cheating, DONT. It is never worth it and KARMA does come back around. Leave the fantasy a fantasy and you will always be able to dream without getting let down in case you act and it goes horribly wrong. Your feelings for your boyfriend's best friend can always just be your juicy little secret.
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reader, blair +, writes (28 May 2009):
I have to say I am relieved that so many others are in this predicament. I am dating THE NICEST guy we have only been together for about 5 months now but I know he really likes me so I have just kept talking to him because I figured I have nothing better to do...I know horrible. Now I just am kicking myself because I seriously am obsessed with his good friend. They aren't BEST friends but honestly I have only been keeping our relationship going just to see this other guy. It's horrible and I don't know what to do. Whenever I think about his friend I seriously can't breathe and I don't usually feel this way...actually I have never felt this way for anyone...I think he likes me but I CAN'T TELL!!!! It is sooo frusturating I refuse to hang out with him now so I don't slip up and say something I feel like words just want to come out of my mouth when I am around him....an example would be "i love you and I have since the moment I met you!?!!" ITS PATHETIC. I have a problem. I really think I might love this guy and I am not just going to let it go...I have to figure this out. ANYONE?@?!?!? HELPPP MEEEEEE I wish I had advice does anyone really know what to do in this situation!?!! :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009): Girls... I am in the same situation as you!!!!
My heart really goes out to all of you *hugs and kisses*.
I have been with my bf for almost 4 years, we both agreed even though we are not in love, we still love each other very much. I am not sure if i still love him but one thing i am sure is, i am in love with his best friend and i do love him. To me it is NOT just a crush.. i have been starting to feel this way for almost 2 years. I really thought it was a crush and it would eventually go away well it didn't. I really thought it was because my relationship was lack of something (which i somehow found in my boyfriend's best friend), so i stayed in this relationship hoping to work it out, well it wasn't because my relationship was lack of anything. It was mainly and purely because i was attracted to my bf's best friend. I was confused of how i felt but now that i know my heart. It hurts to think that it will never be. I feel like i am such a selfish person because a part of why i am STILL in this relationship is because i still want to see and be around my boyfriend's best friend. So now i just keep telling myself that if we are meant to be we will be ....
Good Luck everyone!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): your situation seems almost like mine. Ive been with m boyfriend for a year and a half. I love him very much, and since i met him he has been the only solid in my life. ive been sleeping with my boyfriends really good friend. We had decided not to tell anyone because it would do more harm then good. The first time anything happened we were drunk, and one thing led to another. After that one time we kept talking and talking, and still hang out with our group of friends. Talking turned into planning, planning turned into cheating over and over. its been 5 months since we first started, and it seems nearly impossible to stop. We sneak off after hanging with friends and make up stories of where we were.
we talk about everything, even relationship problems. But, he has a girlfriend, i have a boyfriend. We say its just sex, and we wont get attached, but how can you not? sharing the most personal time you can with another human being? He treats me so well, and its even got to the point of spending the night with each other. even though i know he does not feel the same way, i really cant help but to feel something.in other words, i'm just as confused as you are honey. your not alone.
All i'm saying is that don't get your self into something that you cant get out of. Because once your there, the feeling wont go away unless you make it go away, its up to you girl.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2009): Oh man where to start.. ok i love my boyfriend alot, weve been together for a year and 10 months. i never found none of his friends attractive or interesting since none of them barely talk to me.. But one of them started talking to me out of nowhere so im like really confused on why hes talking to me when i thought he hated me or something. He started staring at me and having awesome conversations with me and hanging out. We talk on aim alot and thats where it all started.. out convos, the way he treats me,its all better than what my bf does.. me and my bf have nothing in common, and fights over the stupidest things. but hwen it comes to his best friend we have so many things in common. so on aim we started flirting and stuff. on one point he stopped talking to me cuz he felt guilty that he was flirting with his friend's gf but i told him i do too but thats what we feel we cant help it. then we started talking again and he both admitted that we liked each other and thats why we flirted with each other. until one day i decided to go to his house, on thing let to another and we kissed ant stuff, it didnt go to nothing sexual but it was so nice, i felt like nothing else mattered but me and him i even forgot i had a bf for a couple of hours, then when i left home i was depressed cuz i had to leave him and he didnt want me to go home..idk what to do..
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reader, mildred93 +, writes (16 April 2009):
 *ADVICE*
This situation seems to be more common than I thought. The psychology behind falling for your boyfriend's best friend is because they are probably similar people and what originally attracted you to your boyfriend also attracts you now to his best friend. In addition, your boyfriend has similar taste personality wise in guys and girls which would explain why you would have a lot in common with his best friend. Also, you may start admiring your boyfriend's best friend since he is always the one you go to for advice when something is not going so well in your relationship.
If you feel yourself falling for his best friend, re-evaluate your relationship. It's probably because you are missing something in your current relationship. I know for me I started to fall for my boyfriends best friend not because I 'loved' him but because he showed emotion and affection which my boyfriend lacked (he was about as emotional and affectionate as a rock even though I knew deep down he cared about me he just didn't know how to express it). His best friend happened to be quite good looking which was also part of the problem. So, I didn't really love him, it was more of a lust kind of thing. Do not confuse that with love.
I would never ever cheat on my boyfriend because that is the worst thing you could possibly do. And if the best friend is willing to go behind his best friends back and hook up with you, what does that say about his character? He probably isn't as good of a guy as you thought him to be. If you really find a lot of things wrong in your relationship, discontinue it before it gets worse because if you don't you'll just end up resenting your boyfriend and thats not fair to either of you. That doesn't mean pursue the friend however, unless you are sure that he likes you back and your ex boyfriend would be totally cool with it. If he and his best friend are really good friends than he would allow you to date him if he knew it made his best bud happy.
Remember that there are many fish in the sea. I never knew if my boyfriends best friend had mutual feelings for me, but I doubt he did even though we would talk on aim for hours everyday. I also know that if he did have any feelings for me he would never act upon them because he would never do that to his best friend. I realized that I do love my boyfriend and I talked to him about his lack of affection and everything is cool now. Worst case scenario, just talk things out with your boyfriend and decide if you want to continue the relationship. But don't lead someone on. And if your relationship with your boyfriend is such that you can't be open and talk to him, is it worth keeping anyway?
Each relationship is unique so it is for the individual to decide. No relationship is ever perfect, but it's the ones that you are willing to fight for that keep going. Remember that the grass is greener on the other side and even though the best friend may seem appealing, if you were to go out with him it may not be as dandy as you thought. In any case, good luck to all of you.
~ew
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): *ADVICE*This situation seems to be more common than I thought. The psychology behind falling for your boyfriend's best friend is because they are probably similar people and what originally attracted you to your boyfriend also attracts you now to his best friend. In addition, your boyfriend has similar taste personality wise in guys and girls which would explain why you would have a lot in common with his best friend. Also, you may start admiring your boyfriend's best friend since he is always the one you go to for advice when something is not going so well in your relationship. If you feel yourself falling for his best friend, re-evaluate your relationship. It's probably because you are missing something in your current relationship. I know for me I started to fall for my boyfriends best friend not because I 'loved' him but because he showed emotion and affection which my boyfriend lacked (he was about as emotional and affectionate as a rock even though I knew deep down he cared about me he just didn't know how to express it). His best friend happened to be quite good looking which was also part of the problem. So, I didn't really love him, it was more of a lust kind of thing. Do not confuse that with love. I would never ever cheat on my boyfriend because that is the worst thing you could possibly do. And if the best friend is willing to go behind his best friends back and hook up with you, what does that say about his character? He probably isn't as good of a guy as you thought him to be. If you really find a lot of things wrong in your relationship, discontinue it before it gets worse because if you don't you'll just end up resenting your boyfriend and thats not fair to either of you. That doesn't mean pursue the friend however, unless you are sure that he likes you back and your ex boyfriend would be totally cool with it. If he and his best friend are really good friends than he would allow you to date him if he knew it made his best bud happy. Remember that there are many fish in the sea. I never knew if my boyfriends best friend had mutual feelings for me, but I doubt he did even though we would talk on aim for hours everyday. I also know that if he did have any feelings for me he would never act upon them because he would never do that to his best friend. I realized that I do love my boyfriend and I talked to him about his lack of affection and everything is cool now. Worst case scenario, just talk things out with your boyfriend and decide if you want to continue the relationship. But don't lead someone on. And if your relationship with your boyfriend is such that you can't be open and talk to him, is it worth keeping anyway? Each relationship is unique so it is for the individual to decide. No relationship is ever perfect, but it's the ones that you are willing to fight for that keep going. Remember that the grass is greener on the other side and even though the best friend may seem appealing, if you were to go out with him it may not be as dandy as you thought. In any case, good luck to all of you.~ew
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): i think you should talk to the friend but be prepared for the worst situation - that he doesnt feel the same way and tells your boyfriend and you lose them both. Think about all the good things about your boyfriend and think about what made you fall for him in the first place. if you still dont get them feelings back for him then tell him how it is and mention you like his mate more than a mate but you didnt want to betray him or hurt him. then and only then go and talk to his mate and tell him about your feelings for him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): wow I didn't realize how many other people were going through this situation. So heres my story AND some good advice. I had been dating an amazing guy for 4 years and obviously I fell for his best friend. We both liked each other but pretended like we didn't for the sake of ruining everything. I was in love with my boyfrend, even though that spark had started to fade, but his friend gave me butterflies and all those other feelings that made it so exciting and irrisistible. Anyways, evenutally three years into my relationship with my boyfriend, we ended up hooking up. We just couldn't help it. We had been wanting each other for so long that it made it 10 times better. Anyway the next morning I felt horrible and I knew I had to tell my boyfriend, even though his friend asked me not to. Even though I felt like that was selfish, I agreed to not tell him. Me and his friend continued the affair for 4 months. Everything between us was great, but I couldn't live in a lie and pretend to be in a perfect and faithful relationship to a guy who deserved better. Basically, if the "friend" really and truly cares about you, he should want to be honest and want to be with you and not attempt to hide the relationship. (Just for the record, deception always catches up to you!) So MY story is, that I eventually had to break up with my boyfriend because I could not continue to lie and sneak around. It eventually made me feel so guilty and stressed out that I thought I needed counsling on how to get out of the mess I had created. I told his friend that until he was ready to be honest and true with everything that I couldn't see him either. Currently his friend is serving a deployment in Iraq but has agreed that when he comes home, we will be open and honest even if it means losing a friend and breaking a heart. The bottom line is, don't become someone that you can't live with, and if the friend truly cares and wants something more than just sex, he will make the effort and get over his fears of losing his friend. Because ultimately were all looking for that ONE person to possibly marry or just be with for a long time so we have to follow our hearts and maybe break a few to get there. It is possible that friendships can mend, but to live a life of regret and what if's would be so much worse.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2009): Check it out ladies. I feel like I'm in one of these three way circles being the best man. Ever Since my best friend has been dating his girl hes been real secretive and uncool and boring and all that stuff. Why? I dunno. But me and his girl hang out sometimes and I totally have feelings for her. I feel she deserves better and since my friend is no longer friendly to me I feel she should dump his ass and we should give our real feelings a shot. Why shouldn't we give it a shot? whats life worth with so many regrets? Girls if your feeling your mans best friend and you think hes feeling you to its because its real. He's waiting for you to cut out the other guy and give him a chance. Either way chance or no chance, Ill always be there 4 her and Ill always still wanna b friends with my asshole buddy. If people wouldn't drag on their relationships so long and just go with their gut feelings this kind of stuff wouldn't happen. I say follow your heart, and if everything doesnt work out and it blows up into a million tiny pieces at least you did it for love. I'd rather feel the burn than never feel anything at all
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Im in the same situation as most woman here, Ive been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and we have a child together. When we first started dating i met all his friends who were a great bunch. One stood out though, the best mate!! The first time we ever went out clubbing we were bumbping n grinding all night away from where my boyfriend was. A few weeks later n we were at a party and ended up just being the two of us left, one thing led to another and im not proud of it but we slept together. I felt sick the next morning and was desperate to tell my boyfriend but he said not too. We both felt terrible but from that moment on we just couldnt keep our hands off each other. It lasted a month or so and i couldnt handle the guilt anymore so against his wishes i told my boyfriend. He was devastated and so was i. At the time i thought how stupid can i be. We stayed together though and things were tuff for a while but we got back on track and things got back to normal. After that me and his friend never really looked at each other again, i think this is partly because if we did people would most probably see right through us and know we still had feelings. A Year later i was still playing happy familys with my boyfriend and keeping all these feelings for his friend at bay convincing myself it was a silly crush and that i would never go back their again. When i had my child it was his friend that was their for me though, it was him who picked me from hospital and came to appointments with me. My partner lost interest altogether. I never for a second thought he would still have feelings for me. Things have got terrible now, we went out on a night out a few months back and we ended up sleeping together again. This has just intensified my feelings for him. He told me that he loves me etc etc that night but the next morning things were much different. He seemed distant. Now hes not coming round as much and recently told a friend he has strong feelings for me but it would never go anywhere. Hes just not prepared to take the risk. I love my boyfriend and feel sooooooo bad for what ive done. If he finds out for a second time that ive cheated with his so called mate he would be devastated and he would leave me and our child in a second. I just dont know what to do i think im falling in love with this guy and a cant stop myself. I think ive been in love with him since the day i met him but theres nothing i can do my hands are tied. I just wish i could stop feeling this way!!!
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reader, In_Real_Life  +, writes (20 January 2009):
Well ladies,
I thought I'd give an update like a few others. I originally wrote in August of 2008 and what do you know it's well into the new year now and I still can't help to feel the same way. Things are a little different now that the summer's over and the boyfriend is back to days. I don't hang out with his friend as much and never alone anymore. This should make me happy and it did at first, because I felt myself falling back in love with my supposed love. But now I'm all sad because I thought that not hanging out with his best friend alone, or as often would "cure me." Guess not.
I still have no idea if Ryan likes me or not, I guess it's a waiting game, or a mystery. I feel like he does, but my intuition may not be as good as it used to, or maybe it was never good! The relationship with Mike is just detoriorating and I know his friend thinks I'm a big b**** sometimes because he sees me treat Mike badly and Mike treat me poorly, too. But on the other hand I treat Ryan pretty damn good. I feel ashamed about that. Who knows, if Mike was Ryan and Ryan was Mike, this whole situation could happen simalarly and perhaps I'm just in love with somebody I can't have and bored of the person I do have, simply put. But physically, emotionally, mentally and psychologically it just isn't so simple. (sigh)
We've talked about breaking up lately and I really do feel the burden of having this huge secret on my shoulders. Sometimes when we're fighting in the presence of Ry, I'll make reference to Ry as the good guy and let out hints that he'd never understand my real intentions if we chose to break up... It hurts... And I'm starting to feel insecure about myself and about the whole situation I almost tell him about it everyday, but some how I don't.
Inside I don't think it would work between me or Mike, or Ryan if the feelings were there.. Yet I can't find it in myself to leave him, partially because my I'll loose my dignity in that I'll be forced to move back home to Vancouver. But I know things aren't exactly peachy... This really sucks, it does........................
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): I've already posted on here a couple of times, it's been months since my "problem" began.Definitely know I need to end my relationship with my Boyfriend. I fall for his Friend more and more each time I see him. It's got to the point where if my Boyfriend speaks to his Friend on the phone for even a few seconds while I'm around, my stomach just sinks and all I want to do is cry. It's even worse seeing the Friend in the flesh, just want to hug him and tell him how much I like and want him.Just want to say ladies, be careful. Spent months thinking it could all work out, imagining what it would be like, thinking that maybe he felt the same. Now I'm pretty sure the Friend would never take that kind of risk for me (understandably) and even if he did have strong feelings for me would still never want to go there.I'm so sad and heartbroken :( Rarely feel like this about a man. Miss him so much and hate not seeing him (have been trying to avoid him as know my feelings are getting pretty obvious) Can't stop thinking about him but I know I'm fooling myself.The resolution to my months of "Falling for my Boyfriends friend" is that I'm splitting up with my Boyfriend of 4yrs. I know the Friend wouldn't go near me with a barge-pole and it's too painful seeing him. I need to get over the Friend because I'll just end up hurting myself believing he would want be with me.I REALLY hope your stories have a happier ending ladies, I really do. I'm sorry to anyone who's had their heart broken in this situation, my heart goes out to you x x x x
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and 1/2 years. The last year things have been slowly but surely getting worse. There is no spark and our sex life has dwindled down to being almost a chore.
He has a group of best friends that we hang out with and I am always the only girl there. They all grew up together and have known each other since the 6th grade or so. Before the last couple of months I never saw anything in any of them. However, more recently one has stood out to me and I see him in a totally different light. My heart flutters when I think of him. He is so sexy and sweet and inteligent and easy going and whenever I see him I am smiling. I can't tell if he feels the same way but there have been some clues. Maybe I am reading things the wrong way but regardless, he is pretty amazing.
I don't know what to do. There are still aspects of my boyfriend that I love but things are pretty stressful. He would be devastated if I left. As far as his friend is concerned I feel like there would be too many consequences.. so I guess my future will be consisting of longing from afar. The hopeless romantic side of me wishes we could just disappear together and everything would be wonderful. But the reality of the situation is far more cruel and unfair.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2009): Hi. I've been reading a lot of these posts and i was suprised to find that some of them sound exactly like my situation. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I love him a lot but it just feels like the spark isnt quite in our relationship anymore. For some reason I'm just really attracted to his friend. I dontknowat it is. i just love spending time with him and talking to him hes really funny and he just makes me feel good. and i know he likes me too i can just tell by the way he acts wen hes around me. like how he looks at me and the things he says. But i just dont think that he would do anything because hes known my boyfriend for so long..but i just feel this strong connection with him that i dont feel as much with my boyfriend. i still love my boyfriend..but theres something missing. ive just been finding myself to be getting really bored of him. when im with his friend its always so exciting and i just love being with him. my bf loves me soo much and he would be devistated if he ever knew this. not only that but im really close with his entire family, im pretty much bestfriends with his mom. i wouldnt only be hurting him id be hurting them too. I dont know what to do. But i know if i ever acting on my feelings there would be a lot of consequences, and probably not good ones either. Maybe i should just keep my mouth shut. but i dont know what to do. i dont want to feel like this. ive felt this way for the past 6 months and no matter how hard i try i cant stop thinking about him. i even get jelous when he talks about or hangs out with other girls. i dont know whats wrong with me. its just really sad that nothing can ever happen with his friend and i...if anyone can reply with help on my dilemma i would really appreciate it..anyways thanks for listening.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): I thought I was the only one suffering from this dilemma but as I see I am not. From what i read I've come to my own conclusion that our boyfriends all have the same taste in people why they chose best fiends and Girlfriends who are so similar. Anyways, my drama is: I have been with my "fiance" now for almost 7 years. I met his friend shortly after we began our relationship. We are the same age, while my BF is 9 years my senior. We like basically all the same things have the same cocky smart ass sense of humor and so on and so forth.... the list goes on. over the years I began realizing that i had feelings... a crush if you will. I would catch him glancing my way, and then he'd flash a big smile. He would pick me up from work days my bf couldn't, we'd hang out the 2 of us and over the years he's only grown on me that much more.My fiance and I have had 2 kids now, and I love him so much. I love the way he treats me and how he treats the kids, not every day is perfect but I do love him a lot. I recently found out about quite a few things that made me grow cold towards my man, and around that time his friend became increasingly friendly with me. we have never said we liked each other in words but i feel like its mutual on both ends. The looks he gives me sometimes, melt me from the inside out. there are so many things I could say about this and it kills me to Ive with this b/c all I want is to tell him. I just don't know if its right. I thought it was a crush but we are 7 years later and its only intensified
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008): The dilemma stands. As for me, I am trying to keep things as normal as I can. I try to remain enthusiastic about my boyfriend. We have been together for 5 years and we are starting a long distance relationship. I have always had a thing for his best friend, even before I knew they were best friends. This year, my boyfriend is away and I spend a lot of time with his best friend, simply as friends. I can't tell if it just that I think he is adorable and we get along really well. I can't tell if he may or may not have the same thoughts. I can't tell if for all these years I had really wanted him, or if he really wanted me.The bottom line is, we can't tell. No one knows for sure, isn't that the point? There have been some on here that know for a FACT. I believe that is impossible. Anything can happen, we do not control other people's emotions, and as easy as it is to think that you want to break up with the boyfriend and be happier with someone else (let alone his best friend), what guarantees this happiness? If you leave your boyfriend, and you are happy, shouldn't you have done it anyways? Just remember, things don't necessarily happen the way you may want them to.When I met my boyfriend, I was head over heels for him. I loved him more than anything, and I still do. But I do believe you can love someone and not be meant for them. Leaving them for someone else (or the prospect of someone else) is asking for disaster. I am trying to do something for myself. If I stay with him, it is because I WANT to stay with him. If I leave him, it is because I WANT to leave HIM...not get with his best friend. Right now, the decision I made was to stay. If something is going to break us up, it better be bigger than just some other guy. Everything happens for a reason. If you decide to break up with your boyfriend, make sure it is for YOUR own reasons. There is nothing wrong with having feelings for someone else, it is natural to have feelings for people. Whether or not the situation allows you to act on them is a separate issue.My Bottom Line: If you break up with your boyfriend, make sure you will be happy alone (without the best friend). It is dangerous to think that far ahead.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2008): I have been with my boyfriend for three years we are engaged and he loves me very much But,one night my boyfriend and his best friend were out and they were talking and his best friend asked him if he could sleep with me so that night they came back to our house and we ended up having a threesome he was incredible and he always has had feelings for me but,I never thought of him that way until that night.I always thought of him as a friend and that is all now I can't stop thinking about him everytime he is around I just want to touch him and kiss him I don't feel the same about my boyfriend anymore all I can think about is his best friend I even dream about him what am I supposed to do
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): It's a bit pathetic and/or sad but wanted to add a couple of corrections to my big old 23rd October 2008 post.
The people involved will never read or know about this post, but still don't want to write about them unfairly or unjustly. After all I'M the one in the wrong.
The Friend in question would be a "lady magnet" regardless of his job, he's such a nice bloke regardless of anything, didn't mean to paint him as a slag, just meant he'd never be interested as he has so much choice lol
The Boyfriend in question is also a lovely bloke and any girl would be lucky to have him. The list of "differences" wasn't meant to portray him as some horrible, heartless monster, was just me realizing how very different we are when you get past music, films, jokes etc.
Still feel exactly the same as I did in my first post, more so if anything, in trying (fairly miserably) to deal with all this I'd give this advice:
1) DON'T just confront The Friend the moment you start to feel this way. This won't just effect the two of you, need to make sure it's not just a lustful, one-night stand, that it's something deeper and worth going through some tough moments for.
2) DON'T try and read into every little sign, gesture or word when you're with The Friend, or thinking about when you last saw them. Will only drive you crazy and it's so easy to miss-read things when you're emotions are heightened in situations like this. Try and let the pieces fit together naturally over time.
3) DON'T expect everything to work out perfectly. Even if The Friend does feel the same way he may not be prepared to take the risk on you. Coming from experience it's heart-breaking to build yourself up imagining what it would be like, only to realize it will probably never happen.
4) DO spend time with The Friend. It's the only way to know if you're compatible beyond lust and if you get on by more than just sexual attraction. You may have to spend time with this person weather anything happens between you or not, think it's important to get used to being around them. Don't make things awkward for yourself, him or other people (it's hard!)
5) DO remember that you still have The Boyfriend and he's a human being too. Never treat someone badly through your own guilt or make them try to finish things first, that's a purely cowardly move. Even if, like me, you're fairly sure things have come to their conclusion, don't use that as an excuse to treat other people badly, be as respectful as you can.
6) DO, DO, DO follow your heart and gut feelings beyond the logical. If the months go by and those same feeling are there, you've got to look them in the face and realize they're true. There's nothing worse in life than to kid yourself and be unhappy. If you REALLY do care deeply or love someone, The Friend, and it's not just a schoolgirl crush, go with it and just let things happen naturally. A part of me always believes things end up as they should end up in the end. Ain't no stopping love!
Take care and much love to you all x x x
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2008): I met my boyfriend through his friend. At first I was totally into the friend, but my self-esteem was kind of low, so I thought he was too good for me. I ended up dating his friend. I regret this.
I guess I thought my boyfriend would be the next best thing, but I couldn't have been more wrong. He's nothing like the friend. At first the friend was really weird around me, even though I had been friends with him before I met my boyfriend, but then things went back to normal.
We've been together a year. I don't love him but he thinks he loves me.
The friend: when we're together, time flies by. It feels like we've known each other all our lives. We "click". We have a lot in common, but still have challenging intellectual conversations. We have a similar sense of humour and can make each other laugh all the time. The important thing is that we have an intense connection that I don't have with my boyfriend. We're very fond of each other, and I worry how obvious it is. I know it's corny, but the word "soulmate" comes to mind.
My boyfriend is clueless. We have nothing in common and don't understand each other at all. I don't want him sexually, but it's a comfortable relationship and I've grown to be dependent on him. I feel so much guilt. I thought I'd get over this crush, but it's only gotten worse. When he goes away this Christmas to see family, I'm going to use it to distance myself from him more to keep things from getting more serious than I can handle.
I'm also going to try to distance myself from the friend and hope this goes away. If we really are "meant" to be together, it will happen someday. Maybe it just isn't the right time. Almost the exact same thing happened to a member of my family- she ended up with the best man from her first (very short and young) marriage.
My heart goes out to everyone else that's going through this- none of us are alone. Just adding my voice to the choir here that it's painful and there is no easy answer. Let's hope time works everything out for us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): Well although there doesnt seem to be many answers here I feel that talking about it makes you feel that little bit better inside :) so here goes...
i've been with my BF for just under a year now, I love him but we've been through a really rough time in the past 2 months and I moved out of our home and back into my Mum's temp before stupidly moving back in out of guilt.
I've always fancied his bestfriend and it was his fault my bf and I met! He's also always fancied me and recently told me that the night we met he wishes it was me he was with that night not the girl he was! Yes he's a male slag and a brilliant one at that! Maybe I've fell for his charms but after a year I gave in and spent the night with him. I dont regret it a single bit and just wish my bf would leave me alone to get on with my life and stop being the boring pathetic mardy person he is! Maybe it is the excitement his bestfriend showed me or just the fact that i can be myself around him and how fantastically we get on, as friend and now as sexual partners!
Just remember ladies that nothing is worth your unhappiness... even if you do split with your BF and dont end up getting with his Bestfriend just remember that there are plenty of other people out there for you!! Just never be unhappy and my advise never do something you will regret!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): Oh Ladies, what are we all like? I'm in exactly the same position at age 24.
Have been with my current Boyfriend nearly four years. Known one of his Bestfriends since we first got together, but only recently started to socialize and get to know him properly.
Can actually remember thinking when me and my Boyfriend got together "Thank god I don't have feelings for so-and-so" (the Bestfriend in particular is a bit of a lady magnet due to his job) Never even gave him a second thought.
However, the more I get to know/see this friend, the stronger and stronger the feelings get. Only ever had 3 Boyfriends in my life and certainly not one to play away, but it feels like the real thing (same feeling I got at the beginning of my other 3 relationships) Tried so hard but can't stop thinking about him, making me so unhappy.
My Boyfriend is essentially a good bloke but we just don't get on any more. He's quite mean to people - I'm a big softy. He hates going out and socializing - I love spending time with people. He doesn't spend time/do things with me - I like spending time with my partner. He's really fixated on material possessions and being rich - I really couldn't give a damn. He's not very interested in sex - I'm quite a sexual person. The list goes on!
Don't mean to belittle my Boyfriend, I'm no picture of perfection, but those are the facts. Haven't done anything about my feelings towards this friend of my Boyfriends, but feel so awful for just thinking it (it's been a good few months now as well) I kinda get the impression this friend feels the same way about me.
I rarely feel/react like this about a man. It's not just because me and my Boyfriend aren't getting along, have never had a problem being single and only start a relationship with a man unless there's a real, strong connection.
Anyway, thanks so much for listening, my heart goes out to all of you in the same position. Normally fiercely pride myself on my morals - just goes to show the power of attraction.
Take care all, any advice welcome! x
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reader, snowbunny1224 +, writes (21 October 2008):
Wow, seeing how many replies there are to this question makes me wonder if my own feelings are legitimate. Is this SO common? SO many people feel this way? But maybe it's the desperation of the feelings that just causes people to turn to online forums to voice their concerns. I myself have
never posted on a forum like this, but so many people share the same feelings as me it's crazy!
I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years-- it's a relationship I'm very comfortable in and it was
based on alot of love. However I have harbored feelings for his best friend for an extended amount of time as well. Over 2 years? It's just such a terrible situation. My boyfriend loves me very much and although I love him and am comfortable in the relationship, his best friend just has so many more redeeming qualities. They've been friends for forever and I know logically I can't pursue anything. But I really feel he's more compatible with me, and me and my boyfriend are having problems recently (partially because it's become increasingly difficult for me to hide the fact that something is wrong) And everyone I talk to is like "oh it's the FORBIDDEN thing" but even if my bf and I break up, I KNOW his best friend will still be attractive to me. The fact that he's "forbidden" is only torture for me; it doesn't make it more appealing at all. I love him as a person and even if I can't be WITH him I still want to be near him. It's not just a crush like some other people on this forum were saying about their situation, I actually have deep feelings for him, unfortunately for me. I'm not even asking for advice, I just wanted to add my story to the slew of others on here. Poor us :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008): We all similarly have the same problem. Its probably the worst thing Ive gone through in my life.then again im only 20 :]
My boyfriend and i have been together for over 2 years. He is funny, sweet and cute. No matter how much I want things to work with him, i really dont think they will. Ive known his best friend eric since i started dating my bf. Weve always hung out and talked but not REALLY talked until last april. We started talking more seriously. It got to the point where we would stay up all night talking about nothing..and everything. He is really the only person I feel that I can 100% be myself around. My bf is too quick to judge and makes fun of me a lot. We fight all the time cuz we are so completely opposite about everything. Were both stubborn too so that doesnt help. I kept talking to his best friend who became my best friend too. Hes the one i always turned to and he trusts me with things he doesnt tell anyone else. He eventually told me he liked me but there was a line he couldnt cross cuz of his best friend. I understood that and wasnt even sure what i felt about him. Hes basically the perfect guy and everything I could ever want. In july he left for bootcamp for the Marine Corps and after he left i felt completely empty. I couldnt stop thinking about him! I tried to ignore my feelings but its been 5 months now and I dont think theyll go away no matter how much i try. Weve written about 2 or 3 letters each since he left and the feelings have gotten stronger now between us...I love my boyfriend but not as much as I used to. Its really bad to the point that I dont even want to have sex with him and if we do i think about his best friend which makes me feel really ashamed.
Im not sure what to do because i cant hurt my boyfriend that way and Eric is coming home from bootcamp tomorrow and were supposed to hang out and get everything figured out. I guess ill just wait to see what he has to say. I hate this forbidden love BS. A lot of people have said i shouldnt go for eric because of my bf and I completely understand that but another one of my friends said that if their frienship is as strong as they say it is then theyll work it out. Im not sure what to do and im glad other girls are going through what I am! It makes things a little easier. I hope you guys all have good luck with your guy problems though :]
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2008): This is absolutely insane! Here we are on a see-saw and our partners (on the other side) are simply not doing what it takes to get us up in the air. For some reason, the sexy guy over on the swing set appears to be more appealing. He looks like he knows how to get us off the ground just fine, and besides...we are tired of looking at this person on the other end of this see-saw anyways!!! LOL This is just my analogy of what we are going through... I am also in the same situation. Known my husband for 15 years and we were just married two years ago. Since I met him when he moved to my hometown, I never met his best friend. Well, since we got married, I've moved to his hometown and he has since become incarcerated. Well, I truly love him and want to be faithful...but recently, his best friend came by our home to check up on me and...we allowed ourselves to take things to go further than they should have. It started out with a kiss...interupted by my infamous question of "Are you sure you want to do this?" and WTF would I ask that question for? Of course he did!!! :-) So, we made love...ALL NIGHT LONG...he stayed the night and we had sex for breakfast too....needless to say, it was excellent. But now, a world of questions are rolling through my mind...a world of dissappointment (in myself) and fear (of hurting my husband) and of whether or not anyone will find out about us. I can't truly say that I am 'in love' with the best friend. But I can say truthfully that the sex was amazing and that if I could have more...I want it!!!! XD
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2008): I have got the same problem as all of you girls. I am fallen in love with my boyfriends best friend, and i am so confused. I am so lost, I just don't know what to do!! :( I really like this guy, and he likes me too, but he also says that he can't be with me, because he won't hurt his best friend, so we will never be together... I am so sad about all this. Unless his feelings grow a lot to me, we can't be together.
I have "only" been with my boyfriend for 5 months, but I am so deep in love with his best friend. It feels like he cares more about me, than my boyfriend does. He is so sweet! :D I have been thinking about, just to break up with my boyfriend, and drop his friend too. Cause even though i am not with my boyfriend anymore, I will not be with his friend after him. I don't think i can do that against my boyfriend. But if I cut the contact to him and his friend, I will loose so many good people around me. And i don't wanna do that either... :S What shall I do?? Please help me!!
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reader, daisylee +, writes (25 September 2008):
ok so i have never written anything on a site like this before but i am writing because i am so so amazed that there are people in the same position as me. I totally get ure situation. See i liked a boy (say MARK) for a few months before really falling for him and eventually getting it together with him only to freeze up, panic and run away two month later. Anyway almost straight away i went into this relationship with another boy (say ADAM) which at the time was a distraction. Turns out he was actually marks best mate. I remember warning myself that i hve to choose now because i knew that the further i went with ADAM the less the possibilty of MARK. So now we are 4 years on and im still with ADAM, I love him he's sweet, i trust him, i know he will always look after me, and he would do anything for me ......BUT!!!! I am totally up the creek with MARK. I think about him all the time, i like him in every possible way from head to toe. I have learned out-of-sight-out-of-mind tactic, but when we are all in the same room room i physically go weak at the knees when i look at him. He is amazing and doesnt even know it, and when i have had the misfortune of seeing him kiss a girl my heart breaks into a thousand peices every time. He is a very quite, layed back and extremely loyal friend to ADAM and although i feel i could put my life on it that he likes me too he is the guy that would sacrifice his own happiness for his freinds. I love ADAM and would never hurt him intentionally but 4years of this genuine heartache??? it kills me sometimes and he has now got his first girlefreind in the 4 years i have seen ADAM, and the odd time i have seen him kiss a girl was enough i dont think it is possible to meet this girlfreind, i cant. PLEASE HELP ME RID THIS DISEASE I HAVE OVER THE WRONG GUY I FEEL TERRIBLE
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): i feel like my story is beig typed out through all of you hahaha.
me and my boyfriend have been together for 4.5 years on and off and i have known his best friend ever since we started dating.
his best friend is a really shy guy unles he really knows you and im basically the only girl he acts normal around and that he actually likes to be around.
i have always thought he was cute but recently i have formed this huge sloppy sickeningly mushy crush on him. i even dream about him!
ofcourse i couldnt possibly love him half as much as i love my boyfriend. my boyfriend is all i could ever ask for and more.
the bad part is that my boyfriend knows about my crush on his bestfriend.. [i stupidly STUPIDLY told him about a dream i had about his bestfriend.. yea..]
we are very honest with each other so i told him "i mean he is a cute guy but i would rather see him wiht his own girlfriend because i love him as a good friend and i value his friendship and i love you too much. id much rather see him happy with his own girlfriend." and i can honestly say i truly mean that [his best friend has never had a girlfriend so im always asking my boyfriend what kind of girls he likes so i can find him a girlfriend hahaha]
the weird thing is i am kinda curious as to why i am the only girl that he acts normal around.. does he like me? we do have a very flirty relationship i must admit and my boyfriend has even admitted to me that hes seen him looking at me..
i dont know. i dont worry about it too much.. i think its like what someone below said.. i guess its like a celebrity crush.. you are attracted to them and you think they are really cute and you even might fantasize about them but they arent in your heart like your significant other is.
i value his friendship and i cherish the relationship that me and my boyfriend have. i wouldnt change the bond i have with either of them for anything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2008): This is the first time I have ever written on an online forum such as this one. I can't believe how many people are going through the same thing! Like most people on here, I love my boyfriend of 3 years, but, I also really like his best friend. Some months ago I decided to tell my boyfriend we needed a break, and told his best friend that I liked him, and to my surprise he liked me back. We slept together the whole night just talking about how we liked each other, but his best friend, as all best friend's should be, was so loyal and said he could never hurt him like that. So the next morning we awoke as if nothing happened, and I ran back to my boyfriend and told him I was stupid. He said he loved me enough to work things out, which we tried, but I just couldn't ignore the feelings I had for his best friend. I instead tried very hard to convince his best friend that we were being foolish to not pursue our love for each other and start a relationship. We then tried to start one, without much luck because we then sat down and thought about all the consequences. We decided it was best to leave things as they were, and I eventually got over it. Until lately when he decided to go and get a girlfriend. I suppose it was jealousy at first, then just utter sadness. I knew why it couldn't be me. I knew that if it could be me in those wonderful arms, it would be. But soon after we again admitted feelings for each other, quickly trying to retract them. Then it was as though nothing had ever happened, and he's with his girlfriend, and I'm with mu boyfriend. I'm not a bad person. I told my boyfriend everything as it happened. He says we are young, and this is normal, although he's never done anything like this. Why? Because he's the most perfect human being I ever met. Always put's me before himself. Treats me how everyone out there looking for love wants to be treated. And I feel so guilty! SO GUILTY! So, I told the friend, I'm sorry, but until I get over you, I can't see you, can't be around you. I'm not sure if it will work. Absence makes the heart grow stronger they say. I'm hoping absence will make my heart forget.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): so here is the solution girls..
ive been dating my guy for like 5 years now and I for some reason DREAM more about his BF than my boyfriend.
that's the solution. just hook up with him in YOUR DREAMS! lol No, im serious. there is a saying "in your dreams" for a reason.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): I can relate to the girl who just posted on August 9th 2008. I LOVE my boyfriend, I REALLY DO! But there's just something about his best friend that I can't keep my eyes off of.You know how they say opposites attract, well...that's me and my boyfriend right there. He's my complete opposite...which is great! It makes life interesting! But his bestfriend and I are completely similar! (I think that's why he fell for me, cause I'm the girl version of his bestfriend) I'm usually a really shy person but the first time I met his bestfriend I just felt welcome (he greeted me with a hug)I'm just strangely attracted to his best friend, hopefully it'll pass...my feelings for his best friend can't compare to how strongly i feel for my boyfriend. With my boyfriend, I can actually see a future and I really can't say anything horrible about him...come to think of it, he's kind of like a real-life prince charming. The things that I feel for his best friend is kind of just like a celebrity-crush thing i guess.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): i have the same problem, and i notice that if you just ignore it, and hope the feeling passes, its not going to work. it worked for me for about a month and i feel back in love with him. Talk to the best friend and see what he feels.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2008): oh my gosh its nice to hear that this happens to other people.
or i mean i know it happens like they date and you lean on the best friend for advice and whatnot.
but my guy and i dated then broke up and now im talking to his best friend.
well....more than talking? ha.
i feel like a bitch but i truly believe if its worth it then id be stupid to pass it up. his best and my ex is still heartbroken and hurt. and thats just from the breakup. i couldnt tell him. I think my plan is to carry on with this and if it lasts long enough to tell then we will.
intense.
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reader, In_Real_Life +, writes (9 August 2008):
Wow, this topic has been here for three years and it's still getting replies. That's because things never really change, do they? Here I am looking for advice, thinking to myself why has this happened to me!? I don't really have many girl friends to talk to it about and I don't really feel like turning to another guy! I might fall in love with him, too, right! Maybe I'll just share my story to make myself feel a little better and for those of you who just aren't convinced there's other people just like you.
I've been dating Mike for three and a half years and I've known his best friend Ryan since Mike and I started dating. I hate to say this, but I've always thought Ryan was more attractive, but I ignored that for the past 3 years. Mike and I have had some rocky moments and Ryan has been quite the jerk to me for a while. But now I feel like we have more in common than Mike and I do! Maybe I'm just bored of Mike and I do feel horrendous because I care for Mike and though he's sorta hurt me, I don't want to hurt him. I've always said I would never cheat, and I won't. But I do feel like I'm emotionally cheating because all I think about these days is Ryan.
Mike has been on evenings for the last 4 months and since then Ryan and I have been hanging out together often. It's not a secret or anything, Mike knows we're hanging out and he's okay with it for the most part. All three of us hang out during the day when possible, but after Mike leaves for work Ryan doesn't leave and if he does, he normally comes back later on. We watch movies together, work on cars and drive around, go out for dinner, etc.
We have some really great times together! When he doesn't come over I miss him, when I touches me I get the butterflies, when I see I can't help but to stare into his beautiful eyes and occasionally he stares back. I don't think he feels anything for me, but I'm head over heels.
My poor baby Mike, I love him so much and I want to marry him, I do! This is not supposed to happen like this, it's just not supposed to happen!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): Oh god...Same situation..Been with my bf for almost 2years..and he is really important to me..but i think i love his friend..its the type of thing where even if he just brushes off me i get the tingles...and hes such a great person..but I'm trying to come to terms with he fact that it won't happen..im pretty sure he doesn't feel the same way..and i couldn't do that to my bf..also i think the friend still loves someone else..but i can't stop thinking about him..my bfs away at the moment and im not missing him...im just thinking about how much i want his friend..this sucks...Basically, i think you should hold tight for the moment..see if its just a phase...if not..maybe its time to go an break with your bf? I'm glad Im not alone in this situation though..
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008): Well, as almost all of you have started off with
"I'm going though the same problem" i might as well cut to the chase.
Here is the story, I was with my boyfriend of three years, up until this morning. We were "high-school-sweet-hearts" you might say.
Anyways, to cut it short, for the past year are relationship has gone dry, the only passion we were having was during sex.
He just started working two jobs that are very consuming and we were fighting and unhappy, he loved me more than i loved him. And I didn't loved him for the wrong reasons.
So for about a year I have practically fallen in-love with his bestfriend, we actually became better friends than my boyfriend and him had been. Every night I would wait to see me and my boyfriends best friend, we are extremely compatible, there is just something about is that fits together perfectly. And I felt guilty for feeling the way I did, I knew that the bestfriend liked me back a lot too.
So, I did what I thought was best, I told my boyfriend how I felt, and I knew it was disrespectful and that we should go on a break. It didn't work though, we ended up getting drunk and fooling around all the time, but I did not love him, I guess I just lusted my ex, so, I kind of ignored it and got back with him, we moved in together with one of my best-girls and things instantly got worse, I would hate it when he came home from work and avoid him. He noticed it, but pretended it wasn't happening. So this morning we soberly worked things out, he is going to renovate the living room into a bedroom.
I then later told his/my bestfriend what happened and that i love him... he loves me too, but thinks we should wait.
Everything is fine, him and my ex still are ok and so am my ex and I.
I find that to be truthful, honesty is the best policy if you are with a good man that has respect for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): It's a relief to hear so many serious voices on this topic. I will never admit to anyone what is happening. It's taken a length of time for me to notice these feelings. I'm not sure if they are even real?!
I have a small problem with reality. In general.
The thing is complicated. Really.
*tsk
Damn those dreams!!
(And my resounding comfort in the cuddles of those foreign arms.)
Look how brave you all are! Committing so much and here I am denying it all!
I just wonder in my head you know?
So much life inside this head.
And he's so hard to read (the fab bf'z best mate); He's got so much pain in his life with the two kids and the divorce just getting 'real'. I want to wrap him up and kiss his damned forehead, like soft summer wind, stare into those sky blue eyes and just wipe the tears away. He makes my heart bleed.
Not like it bleeds from the guilt. Oooh it's creepy guilt isn't it? Some part of me feels as horrid as a child molester.
But it doesn't go away, the desire. It's been more than a year now. I still squirm around the pillows aimlessly trying not to think of him. Even now - it's far too odd an hour for me to be awake, and from my desk I can hear my lovely boyfriend snoring.
I do love my boyfriend, he's sensational. He's a wonder of the gods themselves. Truly. I would never leave him.
I think simply now and again of the best friend comforting me after the funeral.
Really.
Depressing I know, but the, the two of us (being so very us) have no other choice.
That is if I am one of you lucky ladies whose love is reciprocated. I bet by the time that happens we're too old to remember the ways bodies communicate, too wrinkled to find a hallow place to lay our kisses....
It helps to think about death, sad children, child molesters and wrinkles. I'm definitely not a sassy, bouncy, bit of hormones in his company. I try to bring up awkward things - making peace with the wife, school projects, filthy cat boxes, my sexy single friends etc. I dumb myself down, forget things he's said, and often don't bother with my make-up.
But I'm a bartender. The bar is long, I'm alone on stage all the time and I KNOW he watches me. My loins can feel it. I try not to let him catch me - catching him.
More awkwardness.
I'm starting to think if he does like me then my number one endearing quality to him is my quirky oddness. AKA My stunning ability to drop more things than a girl ought to carry , then bump my head on the way down to find them...
* sigh
My one real solace is the damned dreams. That and I know that this will pass. It has to.
But if you get the thing most of us so desire, live it up my friends! Make certain no skin goes without peach velvet kisses. For those of us who have only the dream...!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): It's a relief to hear so many serious voices on this topic. I will never admit to anyone what is happening. It's taken a length of time for me to notice these feelings. I'm not sure if they are even real?!
I have a small problem with reality. In general.
The thing is complicated. Really.
*tsk
Damn those dreams!!
(And my resounding comfort in the cuddles of those foreign arms.)
Look how brave you all are! Committing so much and here I am denying it all!
I just wonder in my head you know?
So much life inside this head.
And he's so hard to read (the fab bf'z best mate); He's got so much pain in his life with the two kids and the divorce just getting 'real'. I want to wrap him up and kiss his damned forehead, like soft summer wind, stare into those sky blue eyes and just wipe the tears away. He makes my heart bleed.
Not like it bleeds from the guilt. Oooh it's creepy guilt isn't it? Some part of me feels as horrid as a child molester.
But it doesn't go away, the desire. It's been more than a year now. I still squirm around the pillows aimlessly trying not to think of him. Even now - it's far too odd an hour for me to be awake, and from my desk I can hear my lovely boyfriend snoring.
I do love my boyfriend, he's sensational. He's a wonder of the gods themselves. Truly. I would never leave him.
I think simply now and again of the best friend comforting me after the funeral.
Really.
Depressing I know, but the, the two of us (being so very us) have no other choice.
That is if I am one of you lucky ladies whose love is reciprocated. I bet by the time that happens we're too old to remember the ways bodies communicate, too wrinkled to find a hallow place to lay our kisses....
It helps to think about death, sad children, child molesters and wrinkles. I'm definitely not a sassy, bouncy, bit of hormones in his company. I try to bring up awkward things - making peace with the wife, school projects filthy cat boxes, my sexy single friends etc. I dumb myself down, forget things he's said, and often don't bother with my make-up.
But I'm a bartender. The bar is long, I'm alone on stage all the time and I KNOW he watches me. My loins can feel it. I try not to let him catch me - catching him.
More awkwardness.
I'm starting to think if he does like me then my number one endearing quality to him is my quirky oddness. AKa My stunning ability to drop more things that a girl ought to carry , then bump my head on the way down to find them...
* sigh
My one real solace is the damned dreams. That and I know that this will pass. It has to.
But if you get the thing most of us so desire, live it up my friends! Make certain no skin goes without peach velvet kisses. For those of us who have only the dream...!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2008): Wow, so many people have this issue *sigh*, my boyfriend treats me like a princess and I would never want to hurt him but I can never see myself in love with him, his best friend on the other hand I feel I am falling for deeply, of course there is a strong physical attraction but when I look into his eyes its alot more. I know I got it bad for this guy but I think it would be wise to wait, but on the other hand its obvious that his best friend feels the same.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): I'm in a similar situation :(
My boyfriend and I have been on and off for years
and he's at a condo with his best friend,
who is 5 years my elder and has a girlfriend.
He's really cute, AND my bf
has been putting a lot of pressure on me lately.
Last night they called me at midnight
and it wasn't long until my boyfriend went to sleep.
And his best friend and I stayed on the phone until 6:00 AM.
FIVE HOURS, with no sleep flirting with each other like crazy.
He even said he would date me if we were single,
and he's really nice and charming.
I don't know what to do, I worked really hard
for the boyfriend i have now and now that I finally have him I'm falling for his friend.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): I'm suffering the consequences right now of letting myself fall for my boyfriend's best friend. After three years of private -- and public -- flirting, a drunken phone conversation that featured explicit sexual content, and countless nights staying up with each other watching movies on the couch after my boyfriend went to bed, I owned up to my feelings and left my boyfriend, thinking his friend would finally actively pursue me. He didn't; in fact, soon after he proposed to his long-time girlfriend (a relationship, I honestly thought, with plenty of evidence, was on rocks), and they just got married last week. Now I'm alone, and completely floored. How did I allow myself to get hosed like this? I alternate between feeling he's a coward and a cheat, and then I wonder how I completely underestimated his relationship with his girlfriend, and misinterpreted his own actions toward me. I haven't reached any conclusions -- and haven't gotten any answers from him, since I broke off contact with him after his engagement. So I here I am, not only angry, sad and lonely, but confused as hell. And to boot, my ex is still his best friend.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): okaY...uhh i have da exact same problem. me and my bf have been going out for 2 months now. we barely spent time with one another and i realized dat his friend has been filling those time spaces. all day long i think about his friend, chatting with him and "flirting" with him. I think im losing my feelings for my bf and starting to fall for his friend. the thing is, i dont wana hurt my bf and get wit his friend cuz i know im gona look like a total bitch. i mean wen i have a problem im more comfortable telling my problem to his friend.its like i trust his friend more dan him. His friend is always derr for me and give me advice, not him. It seems like my bf is just a person i hug and kiss, we dont even talk dat much anymore. i have no idea wat to do. POINT: bf NOT der, friend ALWAYS der.
ppl posted more of deyr problems dan answers. i guess im one of dose ppl:p
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): Ohhh dear.
I'm another one.
As I type this I'm home alone at my boyfriend's house at the kitchen table. Daydreaming about his best friend.
I love my boyfriend, I've been with him almost a year (end of this month), I want to spend the rest of my life with him... but his friend is undeniably better looking... taller... well basically all the things a girl loves in a guy.
We've had one or two heated discussions about it, bf knows I love him, but also suspects I hold his friend in a higher regard than I try to let on. Bf doesn't know I spend hours chatting to his friend if something goes wrong in the relationship. Bf doesn't know his friend gives me the tingles of excitement every time he shows he cares.
Sigh.
To everyone else like this, it hurts and you know it's not right, but we can't help it. I suggest what many other wise readers have said. Don't tell the friend. Make up lists of his bad qualities. Hold your boyfriend extra close tonight.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): I fear i am falling in love with my boyfriends bestfriend too. Though i love my boyfriend so much, i cant seem to control these feelings.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008): omg, almost all the posts here are anything BUT advice.
What i believe is this: girls fall for the best friend, brother, etc. because it is in this person that they receive the attention they want and are not getting from their own partners. Plus, the whole "forbidden love" thing is always hot! (Just knowing you're sitting inches away from someone you can't have builds such a tremendous sexual tension).
Anyways, I think you should talk to your boyfriend and find what is is the two of you are not on the same page with. It is very possible that the boyfriend thinks everything is going dandy, but since we girls over analyze every single detail of every relationship, we don't see it as such. Think about what it is you expect from a relationship, and see if your current relationship fills those expectations. If you feel your boyfriend neglects you and takes you for granted (thus the whole I'm-in-love-with-his-best-friend), perhaps ending that relationship and finding someone else that makes you totally and completely happy and content that you don't even notice anyone else in the room when you're with them is best.
Basically, before doing anything irrational, take time to evaluate your relationship with your boyfriend. It IS completely normal to be taken and happy and STILL be attracted to other people (hey, we're only human), but when that attraction starts to take priority above your current relationship, then you know something is wrong.
And just to make things fair: yes, I'm also attracted to one of my boyfriend's friends (he is sooooooo HOT!). Pale skin, blue-black hair, smoldering gray eyes, strong jawline, soft-looking lips, amazing poet/artist/singer/pianist/guitarist. Hahaha. But that's just it: physical attraction. We barely talk; we're more the sitting-next-to-each-other-at-my-boyfriend's-house-thus-causing-immense-sexual-tension kind. But he has a girlfriend, too. Instead, we would go out and flirt with each other shamelessly, but then go home and do our our lovers! Never has my love life been better than when I came to accept the fact that people will always find other people attractive; this doesn't mean you love them, but rather, LUST them.
Remember what it is that made you fall in love with your boyfriend in the first place. Can you find that same reason in your attraction to his friend? If your attraction to his friend just lists reasons on the physical level, it's nothing to worry your relationship over. But if you start seeing similar reasons on both lists that aren't just physical, than take time to re-evaluate you and your boyfriend's relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2008): Girls, It is a tricky situation, and we are always going to find things we find attractive in other men. I am not in your situation, I am the girlfriend of your boyfriends bestfriend. I noticed that my boyfriends best friends girlfriend started hitting on my boyfriend, always eager to have an in-depth conversation with him, always draping her arms over his legs when they talk. Asking him to dance, and then when he says no, not asking anyone else to dance, me included! and we are also meant to be friends. My boyfriend hasnt noticed, probably because he is the most trusting and trustworthy person, and thinks that she would never do anything like that because in his mind its just the biggest NO NO and he expects others to think that too. When I started pointing these things out to him (because obviously they were making me feel very uncomfortable, threatened and disrespected) he was in Shock! Whats worse is that she has admitted to me that her boyfriend is SO NOT the type of guy she goes for, infact, my boyfriend is exactly what she usually goes for. So, I know I am not imagining it. Girls, please, there are plenty of fish in the sea, why ruin someone elses happiness for your own selfish feelings. Just because his best friend is paying attention to you, doesnt mean he fancies you, he probably is making an extra effort because you are his best mates bird and he wants us all to get on, dont mistake it with anything else. Use your heads girls, be sensible about situations, if things arent going well with your own relationship, sort it out, dont start seeking attention from elsewhere LEAST not his best friend. If by any chance you end up cheating on your boyfriend with his best friend, then you are very dis-loyal, untrustworthy, selfish and spoilt people, and in which case, will probably lead to further lies and dishonesty with in your life. You should be ashamed to call yourself human, and should never have kids because you are a bad example. Yes, I am a bit bitter because we all should know our limits, and when those lines are crossed, it is hard coming back over. Girls .... THINK!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2008): i seem to be having the same problem as the rest of you. unlike the rest of you though, i haven't been with my boyfriend very long at all, only two months. while i'm not exactly sure if i "love" him, i do have very strong feelings for him and i care a lot about him just as a person. the thought of loosing him right now is quite upsetting but i have feelings for his best friend too. i know that may seem wrong but i didn't choose for things to be this way. i've known the best friend's younger brother for a few years now although i just met the boyfriend and the best friend the same day, not too long ago. the best friend and i have so much in common. a lot more than my boyfriend and i do. my boyfriend and i spent our first few dates with the best friend just to help break the ice. i guess my boyfriend had no idea i'd fall for his best friend but this guy is so gorgeous and almost perfect. i don't even really know what it is about him that makes me feel this way toward him. i didn't think my boyfriend suspected anything until one night my boyriend picked me up at a party where i had had a tad too much to drink and we ended up at the best friend's house. there were about 15 guys and me. i was the only one under the influence and i noticed a few of the guys starring at me, offering their jackets, and their seats. the best friend being one of them. and i know any decent guy would be the same but i like to think it was something special for me. since that night my boyfriend refuses to take me around his best friend and won't tell me why. gah.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2008): i seem to be having the same problem as the rest of you. unlike the rest of you though, i haven't been with my boyfriend very long at all, only two months. i don't know if i "love" him but i do have very strong feelings for him and he means a lot to me just as a person. he's a great guy and probably the best i've found thus far, except his best friend. i've known his bestfriend's younger brother for a few years now but i just met the best friend. he's absolutly gorgeous and almost perfect. we have quiet a bit in common. things that my boyfriend don't have in common and things that my boyfriend makes fun of. i met him the same day i met the boyfriend and the three of us spent the firs few dates together. considering it is my boyfriend's best friend, i pretend like he's annoying and i'd rather spend as little time aruond him as i can. while i act this way i believe my boyfriend knows somethig about me, or his best friend. one night after i'd had a tad too much to drink we went to the best friend's house where there were about 15 guys and me. i was the only one there under the influence and i noticd a few of the guys starring at me, offering their jackets, and their seats. the best friend being one of them. while this is something any decent guy would do, after that night my boy friend refuses to take me around his best friend and will not tell me why. i wish i knew what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): Of course i'm glad to find out i'm not alone in this. I've been sleeping with a guy for a few months, I met him one night and god i was so into his best friend but his best friend had a lady. 2 days later they broke up. It was ok...we get along so well, same music, skateboarders, he's my physical type... a few weeks ago he started quietly hitting on me, at first i kind of strugged it off..then last week when we were watching a movie we suddenly locked eyes and when my lover dozed off we had a snuggle.. then it almost happened again on Thursday, but my lover placed himself in the middle. Then last night I burst into their apartment at 4 am, and passed out between them, watching a movie. I woke up, looked over, and saw best friend awake too. I said " You were so mean to me in my dream" and his answer.. "well....in my dream, you weren't wearing these pants..." and we then snuggled up for 2 hours while my lover was asleep and we could barely bring ourselves to wake him up.
I'm dying..I adore him. Why am i sleeping with someone i'm not even attracted to and have this guy in front of me? sigh
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): Wow...I had no idea that this problem was experienced by so many other people. I am falling pretty hard for by boyfriend's best friend...me and my boyfriend have been together for about 2 1/2 years. I have been feeling this way for about 3 months. We talked about it and I learned that he felt the same way also...but what can we do right? We will flirt...play footsie under the table when out with a big group...hang out w/o my boyfriend being there. He has turned into my best friend...I tell him everything. We can talk for hours at a time. Well I got into a pretty bad fight with my boyfriend and ended up going to my crush's place and drink a few beers and whine about it. I'm sure most of you have figured out where this goes by now...we had a little too much to drink and ended up making out for hours. It was so hot though...I stayed at his place and hung out with him most of the next day...ignoring all my boyfriend's calls. We figured we wouldn't tell anyone at all about it and leave it at that. But then we talked about how fun it was and we had both thought about doing this for awhile now. I am so confused...I cant stop thinking about him. But is it really worth ruining a friendship? And it kills me inside to know the pain it would put my boyfriend through. But I don't know how long I can ignore these feelings and hope they go away.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): I am in the same situation and it is awfully painful. It happened not too long ago to me and exploded like a nuclear bomb, leaving me to deal with the harmful fallout. I seem to be coming around ever-so-slightly, but I have figured out some stuff; hopefully this should help anyone who is faced with this ugly predicament. The best option is to stay with your boyfriend and hope that it will pass. Talking to the friend is risky; because his loyalties likely lie with your boyfriend, there is a chance that your crush could rat you out and you'll be screwed. This is especially true if you do not think that the friend loves you in return. The safest way this can be brought to light is if the friend professes his love to you. The bottom line is, if you're unsure of it, then keep a lid on it. I am still feeling my way through my tangled emotions, but I have figured some things out that may help you all. One thing to keep in mind is this: would you really want your crush to lose his best friend? Of course, there is the chance that you two could break up amicably and your boyfriend could give you two his blessings, but there is a greater probability that the sh#! could seriously hit the fan. I would not wish that on either of them. As well, as hard is it may be, make a list of the friend's flaws. Imagine him as the grossest, dirtiest person ever. Think of his pillow as being full of grease and dandruff! Also, it may be tempting to entertain your emotions with sad music and emo poetry...but a steady diet of will spiral you into depression. Instead, air-guitar crazily. Blare songs like Queen's "We Will Rock You" and do the hand-claps. Kick your friends' asses at video games. Shop. Visit amusement parks. Go screaming. Conduct shopping-cart races in parking lots at night. In short, have some seriously crazy adventures. If your love for the friend worsens, keep this in mind; wildfires only happen if the conditions are ripe. Essentially, assess the reasons your heart went astray. Are you having relationship problems? Can you fix them? If your relationship with your boyfriend is rocky, this crush may be a sign that things are not going as well has you had originally thought. You two may even need to break up. If you do, you may end up with his gorgeous friend...and you may not. Or you may even find that the "cure" to this crush is your re-discovered love for your boyfriend; I know from experience that a solution for the pain of unrequited love can be different feelings for a different person. Keep in mind that everything happens for a reason because nature breaks what doesn't bend. If it was not meant to be with either boys, then that makes you much better off in the long run. There is no use fitting square pegs into round holes. You will be just fine.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): Okay. So i had sex with a guy who has all the qualities in a guy i lust 4!! 2 my eyes he is theE sexiest guy alive!! i kne he jus had me there 4 sex! Hes so georgous i kne dat he had at least 10 more girls on the side! i wanted 2 get into a relationship n not b jus sex buddies. So i moved on 2 his friend. N he was okay about it. Me n his friend got really serious! i love him 2 death!! We live together.... Its been over a year since i hooked up wit anybody other than my boyfriend!!! BUT..... About 2 months ago... i started fantasizing about his friend the one i hooked up with first!! And we all hang out in a big group.. So everyone gets together like every other day.. N 2 months ago all i could think about is his friend!! Omg... Hes just so georgous!! i love how he looks! i could tell he would flirt alot with me but i wouldnt budge cuz i love my boyfriend. This guy is so pretty! So i had 2 talk 2 him again! It wasn't hard getting his number! N i text him. We met and we hooked up!! It was great! i loved it! Were like each others back up plan! Its perfect! No one knows!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008): I'm pretty sure I love my boyfriend's best friend too. I've actually known him longer than I've known my boyfriend. It's really getting out of hand. I'm thinking about him all of the time and my bf is getting suspicious. He says, " I know it's coming, one of these days you're gonna break up with me and marry him." I've never cheated and I never will, but if I'm thinking about him so much it's pretty much the same thing right? Ahhhh, I feel horrible and like the rest of you guys, I'm clueless as to what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2007): get over it for godness sake
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2007): Hey girls, I'm in the same boat! Been with my live-in BF for 2 years, yet I'm attracted to his best friend who spends almost every day hanging out with us (he's lonely and going thru a divorce). Last night I had the HOTTEST dream about us hooking up. It would never happen, tho, because he's a conservative Christian and I wouldn't do that to my boyfriend. But wow, all I can say is...smooth brown skin, deep black eyes, Spanish accent...Mmm
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): I Think you should talk to his friend! i say leave ur boyfriend and go out with his mate , have as much fun as u want !!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2007): ok..im 22 and have been with my guy since i was 17..we have been through the ups and downs but i have also liked his bestfriend who is also my bestfriend for the same amount of time we have been a couple,and my feelings for him have gotten really STRONG and i think he loves me to he always tells me i look nice, and gives me looks u kno,,,im so confused ..practiclly in teARS..what do i do..and my bf always says things to me like, u kno he loves u...but he thinks i have no feelings back. im miserable...and the besyfriend sometimes tries to act like nasty to me..and wen i sed something he said i wanted to see if u noticed,,something like that ..so much more i cant explain
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): dudeee. i have a problem similar. i love my boyfriend... but his bestfriend likes me. he was flirting with me nonstop when my bf is gone and then once he shows up his best friend acts normal.. what do i do??? my bf definately doesnt see it. like last night at my friends party he was all over me!! i felt weird and couldnt walk and he kept saying he would carry me if i wanted. i know he likes me and hes cute and all, but im not going to break up with my bf. i love him too much.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): I am feeling that way too! What the heck is wrong with us? Maybe we are lacking something in our relationships that is fulfilled by the attention their friend gives us.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2007): same thing happened to me... i knew my x bfs best friend and i had something between us ... you just feel it sometimes...i recently told his best friend that ive had a crush on him this whole time... and it seems that hes gona be choosing me ... or hes still gona be with me and not tell his best friend which im fine with... he'll fall too deep to get out of it soon anyway:) hehe
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2007): so me and this guy had a thing for a year. we did love each other alot but we never considered ourselves to me boyfriend and girlfriend. after that year, i gave up becuase i wanted to call him my bf. so 2years have passed. and now i'm dating is best friend, which i love more then anything. so since they are best friends we're around each other all the time. we do text each other alot and just recently he told me he still loved me and that he wishes he could go back in time so i could be his. I feel the exac same way, but i cant leave my boyfriend. he means everything to me. i hate this situation. i love them both... :[
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): well if you fancy your boyfriends best friend more than your boyfriend talk 2 ur boyfriend in private and dump him and explain why!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2007): ughh.. heres my stupid dam love emotional lusting dramatic SCARY situation. im about to move across the coutry with my bf of only 1 year and a half. i recently noticed how beautiful his friend is. i dont even know him. i want to know him. i know hes a nice guy, and very reserved. i just dont know anything else. were moving in like 2 weeks and i dont know if i should go. i also have an 18 month old son (father not involved) and i dunno what to do. should i tell my bf i want to wait ? (hes moving regardless) this guys frikken smokin but i doubt he has the brains i love about my bf so much. whatever. im also 20, and am afraid of taking my lil boy away from gramma and grampa etc etc. im afraid of being alone. i dont like going out much, id rather be in love. what do i do. :( .. god hes so hot.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): I have the same exact problem!!! I don't know what to do either.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): Here it goes...yeah it's his personality. His best friend's personality is something I like. And his eyes. His best friend flirts with me and seems to like me. But it's like what other people on here have said: "But my bf is such a sweetie, etc." We've only been going out for a short time, so I'm thinking of not telling him, and just letting months pass by, to see if this crush goes away. His friend has been known for trying to go out with his ex's. His friend has hugged me before. And we've flirted with one another before. I felt guilty later on for flirting with him, cos I realized if my man were flirting with someone like how I was, I wouldn't like that. I don't know what is going to happen. I don't want to be a cheating person. I want to be good. I want to be faithful. Sometimes I don't understand how my own mind works. I look at some of the things I've said, and they are deceptive.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2007): My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 10 months. We moved in together about 5 months ago and everythings been great for the most part. My boyfriend is a loving and caring man. He's also a very hard worker and is very good to me and my family. He and I have known each other since we were in sixth grade and now I'm finishing up my bachelors degree.
Several years ago I ran into my boyfriend (well at the time he wasn't my boyfriend...) at the mall with his friend. We spoke for a little while and his friend really caught my eye. I didnt see the friend again until my boyfriend and I started dating. At first it was really nothing, I just thought he was hot. Here more recently, however, he's been coming over often to chill and theres something that has me really drawn to his friend. I think about him when he's not around. I've fantasized about him, had dreams about him, etc.
Lately, things between the boyfriend and I have started going a bit cold. Hes still a wonderful boyfriend to me and I'm happy with him, but we fight more often and I have a very decreased sex drive.. I do love him still very much, but I'm not sure what the reasons for this are.
Everytime his friend comes over here all I can think about is being all over him. The things that I would like to do to him if my boyfriend weren't in the picture. --Recently the friend and I made and held eye contact for awhile and he smiled...I've also noticed him staring at me out of the corner of my eye and when the three of us hang out the friend and I do most of the talking.. leading to my boyfriend getting suspicious.. I would never do anything to hurt my boyfriend..HELP!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2007): I am having the same prolem but its worse. I am engaged and we all live together. my fiance his best friend and me. well my fiance has turned into a total loser. for all you girls out there move in with him before you marry him. but anyways we do nothing together he always tells me to take his best friend so i do and his friend has just told me that he is falling for me and i feel the same way but we all live together i have told my fiance to leave but he wont we fight all the time but i just dont know what to do i dont even just like his best friend i have fallen in love with him and totally completely out of love with my fiance i even told his best friend that there are so many consequences to this he would lose his friend of 20 years for a girl and he is okay with it i don't know what to do
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2007): ok..this an update to my prior dilemma (Second June 5th reader). I broke up with my bf and now currently dating his best friend. It worked out fine but my ex, his best friend, still doesn't know. I know it won't be a big deal for my ex since we weren't all that serious to begin with, but we're still worried about the rest of the guys in the group. They have an idea of what may be going on but they're not sure and they're not approaching us with it. One of them already did approach us, but we just told him it's not what they think. I don't know why we said that cuz we're going to have to explain sooner or later. But we'd like to tell my ex first before anyone else. My ex and my current bf work together and have to see each other everyday, but luckily my ex just got a new job offer and he will be quiting soon. That's when we are planning to tell him. I think feelings are something that you just can't help and no matter how much you want try to convince yourself that these feelings are strong and true, you can't deny the fact that's it's still wrong. We know it's wrong, but we're willing to risk our friends being mad at us for a while versus us losing each other. I'm happy taking one step at a time. Things have gotten better over the month and half, but we're still trying to work things out so that my ex doesn't get his ego hurt. It's not his heart we're worried about, it's his ego. He pretty much started dating again...very soon...I just pray everyday that this will work out. I really like my bf and I don't want to lose him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): Talk about a tough situation. My girlfriend and I have a long distance relationship and I am infatuated with her ex room - mate and ex-friend. If my girlfriend knew I was even blinking in her direction it would be over. I love my girlfriend so much and 4 years is a long time. This may just all be you always want what you cant have. I'm scared to death of losing my girlfriend and its not always a safe decision breaking up with someone you are safe with . Same goes for the friend...it may not work out and you may be shooting yourself in the foot and ending up alone. Right now im working on giving it time and not making any decisions too fast. Think how you would feel if you caught your girlfriend talking to one of your hottest friends behind your back...
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2007): OMG, the same thing is happening to me. So i was in NY with a bunch of friends and this guy (bob) was texting me till like 3 o clock in the morning trying to convince me to like his best friend(fred) so then he convinced me and i told Fred how i felt and he asked me out. But as soon as i got back from NY i started talking to Bob alot and now i like him way more then i like my bf. and bob flirts with me alll the time and we hang out more then my bf and i do. but im scared if i break up with my bf that bob wont talk to me anymore. so i feel your pain i have no idea what to do. one option is talk to both of them and just tell them the truth. Good lUck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2007): I like my boyfriend's best friend. I tried to get over him for the past six months and I just can't seem to do that. I thought it was just a phase at first, but now I'm sure I just simply like him. My boyfriend is a great guy, but I just don't see a future with this guy or even feel the same way about him as I felt in the beginning. His best friend in the other hand, I don't see a future with him as well.
His best friend and I had a fling this past weekend at Vegas....*ahem*...But we know nothing can ever happen between us. I sometimes get confused who my boyfriend is because his friend is so sweet to me. He's even sweeter now after what had happened. He's driving me crazy. I don't think any of this would have happened if we didn't get so drunk, but now that it did...and it's exposed, I don't know what to do anymore.
I just want to get over him and have things go back to normal. I don't want to hurt any of them. I know I'm wrong, but these feelings are just something I have no control over. I think my best bet is to stop hanging around them anymore.
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female
reader, meggers +, writes (5 June 2007):
okay so i had been thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend for a while, because i am just not into him anymore and i was also starting to like his friend who is a total sweetheart and would treat me better. The reason why i was delaying breaking it off with my bf was because his bday was coming up and i felt it was mean to break it off right before. the day before his birthday he asked me if i wanted to go see pirates 3 the day it opened, and i told him no because that was the day my mom was going through her cancer treatments, he then spazzed at my and called me a fugly whore, so right then i had no empathy towards him so i broke up with him on his bday. when we parted his friend came up to me and hugged me and then said that he would still be my friend even if things would be strained between me and my bf. when i walked away he then told my bestfriend that he has liked me for a long time (even before me and my bf started going out)...so we both like eachother but i dont want to ruin their friendship what do i do!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2007): I will choose to stay with my bofriend and just think that this feeling of mine to his friend is only an infatuation and will never last longer.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2007): Oh my god this happened to me too... I think i like one of my Bf's bestfriends.. I m not sure if he feels the same.. Sometimes i think he does. But its kind of confusing.. I dont think he would want to do that to his bestfriend though.. So i guess i will need to stop liking him but i dunno:(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2007): Same situation. Only I know exactly what is happening to me and it ANNOYS me that I am having such immature feelings. I have been with my bf for over 3 years. I am in love with him, never fancied anyone until just recently. Of course it just had to be his damned best friend, (!!!) who is also about 5 or 6 years younger than me. He's very shy with me, sometimes I even think he doesn't particularly enjoy my company, but then I catch him looking at me with the corner of my eye.
I don't even really find him particularly stimulating intelligence wise, or very educated, but he is just so damn sexy.
I am about to move in with my boyfriend, to another country, and I know this will all pass when I don't see the friend anymore...but I just have such an urge to be all over him. It's insane, it purely a physical thing but i CAN'T seem to push him out of my thoughts. And I do feel guilty. I do not think this means that I don't love my boyfriend though, since I don't have intentions of doing anything with his friend. I guess ut'll just have to be one of those fantasies.
It sucks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2007): dont worry, im in da same position. Its so confusing. I need help also
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2007): ok i desperately need help so i will take anything!!!!!!
Ok well, i have been w/ my boyfriend for almost a year now, and he's great, but im in love w/ his best friend. I'll tell u everything.
Well in the beginning of my relationship w/ my bf, it was great. But ex gfs of his started to get in the way but we survived through tht. now recently everyday we fight and fight and fight. He says he's sick of it and i am 2. I want to take a break or something but he loves me sooooooooooo much and i dont kno if i could do tht to him. So 4 months ago, I met his best friend. Already i was like OOOOOO HOT but really shy. so i started to talk to him a lil more each time i saw him. He's really nice and he seems to care... but idk for sure. But 1 thing he got through a really bad realtionship and the whole time i was like i could treat him better than she did. He's now in another relationship and he loves her and there's no way im breaking tht up. But wht im trying to tell u is tht im not happy w/ my boyfriend now and i think his best friend could treat me better... I need HELP!!!! I love both of them and dont know wht to do. HELP!!!!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2007): well, i'm having that problem now. i broke up with my boyfriend 5 months ago, and two months now his best friend and i are together. well, no one knows about that, and we secretly are seeing each other. it's sometimes strange, but, it's worth it... you should please yourself. live your head for a moment,and let your heart decide
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2007): I've been going out with my boyfriend for 2 months now but the longer we go out, the less I like him. This may be because I keep comparing him to his best mate, who I had a crush on for a year before my boyfriend asked me out. I still really fancy him and don't know if I'm only going out with my boyfriend for the sake of having one or to feel cool or whatever. I'm always happy when I see his mate, he makes my heart beat faster whereas my boyfriend, well, I'm just getting bored of him and notice all the negative things about him since he keeps mentioning them and I just sem to like his mate's personality and looks a lot more than his. But I know he doesn't like me so I don't know if I should keep going out with him or not, I know he loves me to bits.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2007): hello,i know what u mean, i was in a txi with my bf's best mate last week and we kissed on the lips 4 a friendly kiss, i like him thou.
I was out with him the n8 and brought it up and he said it was him trying he liked me!! ME i thought wdf? But we kissed meaningfully, i dunt know what til say at the minute but think im going til tell my bf the truth!! i like his best m8 and he likes m8.
I dont know what to say... follow ur instincts!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2007): i was in the exact same siuation, however my bf's bst friend liked me too.all i can say i try and give the best friend a sign that you like him to see if he likes you back, like a slight touch while passing him or holding eye contact with him. that is how we found out that there was something between us, hope this helps as i know it is a very frustrating situation to be in
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2007): wow..even tho alot of people are having the same problem..i also..i dated this guy for two weeks but its still very early..and i like his freind before i met him..my bf is really sweet, but kinda clingy, and his freind is so fun to be around..he lives on the other side of town from me..and doesnt own a car, we have no classes together..but EVERYTIME i see him..i get so happy..like..im in love or something..is it worth it? or should i just try to forget the freind..my sister thinks that getting with the freind is trashy..and im not even sure if the freind likes me..but when i hang out with my bf, the freind is always there..and he stares at me..and in halls when i see him.. he gives me this look...and it makes my heart beat faster..what should i do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): well as it turns out, i am starting to hate my boyfriends because i think i am in love with his bestfriend... who is totally hott, and more my type than my bf.. so i dont know what to do.. i am too afraid to break up wit my bf because i actually have a heart.. i am starting to hate him actually.. lol... yea i need major help
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2007): This question has been posted so long ago, I'm curious what happened.. I've got the same problem right now, my bf's got so many character-flaws.. But I'm afraid that's what the problem is, you get so close to a person that you'll see everything about him, including his negative sides. I'm afraid that's the reason why the best friends seem so attractive. But don't forget: it's a lot different to have a relationship with him. It might not be what you hoped for.. Keep that in mind. But gosh it's hard..
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2007): I like my boyfriend and it was great at first, I knew I could fall in love with him.
But then his friend came along. me n my bf are gay, and so is this guy. He's not paticularly stereotypically attractive and he can be a really messy drunk but he's got the most amazing personality. We unexpectedly met up the other night and ended up by some lake and it was like, movie scene perfection. He notices all the little things my bf misses, and hes made it clear he has feelings for me although neither of us have said anything about it to each other but I think I'm falling in love with this guy. But I wont tell him because I cant do that to my bf. Im not happy in my relationship.
They are real close and all 3 of us hang around in the same social group so any chance we might have had is impossibly small.
Oh. I hate them both damn it!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): i have recently split up with my bf of 5yrs simply because i fancied his best mate and thought if i could fancy other people then we're obvs not right together! so far i think i've made the right decision. i'm not in love with his friend- just like him a lot. is this bad? i've since told the friend i like him in that way and have received a mixed response. he said he felt the same but couldn't do anything because of my ex. however, he flirts with me when we're out (not very subtly). but then wont text me later. is he just playing with my mind or is he showing his true feelings when he's had a drink?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2006): hello, i feel like i'm in the same situation. i love my boyfriend but i ike his best friend, we went out and he said he liked me and then said he was only joking so he got me confused, but this only made my feelings for him a bit stronger,
i hope that its a phase that passes and i think you should wait untill your absoulutely sure.
its not just your relationship thats hurting it will be there friendship too which will put strain on u in ur new relationship if there ever was. think of the consequences
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2006): My name is doug. I love mandy and have stolen her from my housemate brad. Please dont hate us, we are in love and couldnt help it. We tried to resist after we declared our feelings for each other but eventually they were too strong and we couldnt help but start to see each other. This doesnt make us bad people as we are madly in love, but do care about his feelings. We didnt set out to hurt him and if this didnt feel so right we wouldnt have thought twice about doing anything, we just wouldnt have done anything. This is no crush, i love her and i want everyone to know it. Sorry brad. Love you mandy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2006): A guy asked me out.We got rather close though I haven t said yes yet.
But then,first day I came to class,I had a crush on his best friend.Now,that i somewhat know both,my crush is simply not passing.I ve started to fall in love with his best friend.I know that best friend finds me somewhat cute but i am stuck since i got close to a guy who asked me out,and now i am in love with his best friend.
i don t want to hurt the guy but my heart is beating for his best friend.it is such a miserable situation.i don t know what to know.my heart is crying out for his best friend but it seems to be so impossible to make things work for me and his best friend.
do you think if i refuse the guy,his best friend might look at me from a different angle?that of a possible gf?
it s so hard to love and be loved like wise:(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2006): I am in the same situtaion and i thought i was the only one! My boyfriend and i have been together for about 3 months but before me and him got together i really liked one of his best friends. Finally I gave up on the friend and settled for my boyfriend. I still always thought about his friend but nothing ever happened. Then one night after he admitted he had feelings for me and we kept talking. After a couple days he called me one night to go for a walk when he was drunk so we walked around for a couple of hours. Eventually he kissed me and told me he likes me. We stood there holding eachother and it felt so perfect. My boyfriend didnt find out but me and the friend decided it wouldnt be right to let it or anything else occur again although we both have feelings for eachother. Although I love my boyfriend I like his friend and now i dont know what to do :S
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2006): I have to say, this has happened to me.
I thought I was sooo in love with my boyfriend, and he did with me too. Until about a month ago, when slowly everything started going downhill in my mind. I tried to make it work, and tried to fall back for him, but I just... wasn't able to.
Finally, I realized I really wasn't in love with him (I thought maybe it was just a phase...), and I told him that same day that it fully came to my thoughts. We broke up, and it really crushed him.
My rock was my best friend, and I found out after my ex and I broke up, and I was elated...
I've had an on again off again type of crush when it comes to him, so I gave in and admitted I liked him to.
I realized that yes, I may lose my ex as a friend, if I havent already. But sometimes you just need to do what makes YOU feel right, not for the other person.
I understand the taking time off, which really is a good idea, but sometimes you can't help your heart.
I just want to stress though, think about if you really do love your boyfriend, then you have to distance yourself from his best friend. If you don't love him, (or rather, if you aren't in love with him), then tell him immediately.
Good luck!
I know it's not easy..
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2006): same situation...been with my boyfriend just over a year...i love him and hes so sweet, it would kill him if we broke up, he's already planning on marrying me, but i really like his best friend he has characteristics that my boyfriend lacks, i just wish i could combine the two. i am graduating soon and i think that since i wont be exposed to my bf's friend so often maybe the feelings will go away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2006): Wow, I am in exactly the same situation. Me and my bf of 8 years are splitting up, not because of that reason, its because we arent compatible. I have had a crush on his best friend since I first met him (8 years ago), I ignored it because I thought it would pass, but it grew stronger and stronger, and I am now in love with him. I can't stop thinking about him, dreaming about him and it is driving me crazy! The thing that makes it worse, is that he is married, although unhappily married, his wife is always cheating on him and putting him down.
I told his best friend a couple of months ago when I was drunk, and he kissed me. We stopped it before it went any further, but then he txt me saying "the feeling is mutual, I would like us to have some fun together, but not for keeps". This annoyed me a little but he is right, we would hurt too many people if anything ever came out about us both, so we will never be together, but it is killing me.
I would never cheat on my bf, and if anything does ever happen, it would be a long time after I have split up with my bf, but even then, I dont think I could just have a fling with him, he means too much to me, I would rather not have anything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2006): I've been with my boyfriend for 13 years. I've been in love with his best friend for 3 or 4 years now. They have been best friends for 25 years. Neither one know of my feelings. I'm getting older and my boyfriend and I have different priorities in life now. We've been slowly growing apart for several years now. Slowly the best friend and I have been getting more comfortable with each other. Never would I admit my feelings to either one. Never would I betray my boyfriend by letting him know how I feel. Sometimes he jokes with me when he doesn't want to go out and says "best friend" can be your boyfriend tonight. Maybe he sees something there and knows the best friend and I are meant for each other. I think we are Soul Mates. Leave it alone. If it's meant to be, It will.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2006): That is terrible advice. Don't lead his best friend on, especially, if it turns out you shouldn't be together. Especially if other people or your boyfriends notice. Thats pretty much cheating in itself slightly. I am in this situation, and its terrible. I love my boyfriend, and he's so nice to me, but i just cannot get over the fact that his best friend is everything my boyfriend is and a little more. We all hang out together and its killing me that he's there because I know it can't be like that, me and him(best friend). But I still am happy with my boyfriend so very much, his friend is just....no words can explain it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2006): I'm in this same situation too. I've been with my boyfriend only 5 months and I don't think it will last too much longer because I just don't feel the same way about him now as I did before when we were first dating. But I have to clear up that I really liked his best friend before we were going out, then just recently I started having feelings for him again. I don't know but I think theres a reason why this crush isn't going away. But that's just me.
To everyone else in this situation, i'd just say you do what feels right for you.
...good luck :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2006): im goin through the same thing...but ive asked the bstfriend and he sed that he dosnt like me in that way and even if he did he wouldnt do anefing about it because he wouldnt wanna hurt my boyfriend...now i feel really empty and sad...my advice is leave it well alone and it will pass
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female
reader, CC620 +, writes (13 September 2006):
Dating someone's best friend is a forbidden line. it happened to me and my best friend dated my X. we dont speak and I will never get past it. DONT do it, its very hurtful and why would you chance ruining their friendship? Why would he? You both obviously dont care about your bf's feelings. It will haunt you for a long time, believe me.
-Chris
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2006): I'm having the same exact problem! but i dont know if its just a lustful thing or if i really do LIKE him. ah boys, so difficult
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2006): You need to find out your boyfriend's best friends feelings towards you first. But more importantly, you need to ask yourself 'do i want to stay with my boyfriend?'
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2006): Get to know your boyfriends friend a little more, but don't come on to him. In time, you will realise if he would be more suitable than your boyfriend. If you do really like your boyfriends bestfriend, maybe you should mention it to him (the friend) and see what he says.
Don't cheat on your boyfriend though, make sure you respect him as much of possible if you decide to change boyfriends!
PS I have seen this situation a couple of times! They worked out ok. After all, just because you are with your boyfriend now, it doesn't mean it's meant to be forever. You might be destined to be with this other guy instead! Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2006): well thats crazy i am having the same problem but i think his friend likes me back....its so hard
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2006): I'll give it to you straight. Either its not gonna work between you two OR you two will get together but get grief.
If the guy is really ur bf's bst m8 then he wont go out with you (kinda lyk an unwritten law, u jst dnt do it) and if he does then chances are he'll fall out wiv his bst m8, which puts u all into a really horrible and difficult situation.
In short, stay with your bf til u know/think its not gonna work out or you dont love him anymore.
Then, later on when u've both had tym to move on, u culd try to test the waters with his m8 - dnt be too obvious tho cos otherwise u culd get slaggd off 4 it and if he doesnt feel the same it would b really embarrassing.
Dno if this helpd, but i hope it did
xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2006): It happens to alot of girls. It's a question that my friends have asked me too. They usually go for the guy who they are trying to seek approval from. You may like him because he's off-limits. Additionally, you and your boyfriend have things in common. The things that you don't have in common are probably things you have in common with this friend of his (perhaps a missing void). Maybe you want the complete boyfriend package?
I wouldn't tell the friend. Instead I would remedy the situation by fixing a friend up with him to take him off the market.
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female
reader, always +, writes (6 July 2006):
hi, oh my goodness, iam 29 and life does not get easier.
My boyfriends's father got really ill last yeaer and following a three yeasr relationship we split up[. Luckily, I was studying so could distract my attention, but ultimately I hoped we would get back together again. We have always had quite a rocky relationship, sometimes we are amazing together but often I wonder if I still ove him , i don't think we are in love, but we love each other deeply and obviously want to try an dhave another go. We ahve been seeing each other again since xmas whilst his life still really revolves around his ill father, this is totally cool with me because i want him to do what's right. It's also time out for me and takes pressure off since iam trying to kicksart my new career.
Howvever, recently, me and his best mate just admitted how much we were into each other, he has split up with his girlfriend of three years about a year ago, but both of us have always flirted and cared for each other, even thought baout each other whilst with our respectove partners. Now we have tole each toher how we feel and he says it's not the best time and i totally repscet him and agree. The thing is, i don't feel any guilt, which is terrible, i think it's over between myself and my boyfreind, but I love him still and can't let him go. I don't know if the thing with hsi best mate is truly something deeper- it certainly feels that wau- we have known each pother for three years. I don't think i'l;l do anythin for a couple fo years if me and his best mate do fell its for real. Help?
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reader, ruby_candy +, writes (19 June 2006):
I had the same feelings as you guys for my boyfriend's best friend. He was also my best friend. But I told him I needed space after we told each other we had feelings for another. My boyfriend knows everything...I'm not a liar or a cheater...After I didn't see my friend, I started to think clearer and see it was only a physical attraction and saw that was starting to be missing in my present relationship. Sometimes you find comfort in someone because you are lacking it with another. I worked it out with my boyfriend first. And now we are all trying to get passed this. When I was confused, I wanted to break up with my boyfriend and go for this guy. But I now see how stupid that was and what i would've lost. My love for my boyfriend is stronger than this attraction and I was almost going to blow it all on some physical thing. Always clear your head and think it through, alone...ask yourself where YOU would be happier...because ultimately your happiness comes first.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2006): I am falling for my boyfriends best friend but my boy friend is such a sweety and it would just crush him if I did anything with his bestfriend. So I thought about it and got some advice from my best guy friend and I came up with a great sonario. I am waiting and if his friend hits on me I will push my boyfriend to break up with me because I dont want him to be crushed. And I will wait for his friend to stop hiding and then when he does I will just go along with him, and hopefully by then my boyfriend will have alwready forgotten about everything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2006): hi, im in the same situation!!!!!! i cant believe so many are! i feel like the only one in the world! my boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years and i do love him not as much as i used too but i do have strong feelings the only problem is... his best mate i love him hes great. i text his best mate a while back when i was drunk so you can imagen. the next day i was begging him not say anthing and that it was a mistake. but to my surprise he text me back wanting the same thing! well my boyfriend found out and he stuck by me i told him i love him and to make up with his best mate. i blamed myself!and i did see him for about 6 months, well recently i had sometime alone with his best mate and all the feeling came rushing back. i want him but i cant! i could scream please help!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2006): This is my first semester at the University of Texas and this guy Chris is totally almost my boyfriend. The problem is..I am totally into his best friend. And I know that these two boys are totally close so I don't know what to do. I kind of want him as a boyfriend, but not really. He's more into me..than I am into him. What to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2005): I'm in the same situation ... I have a boyfriend that I really like, not love but I also have feelings with his best friend. The problem is that his best friend is hinting that he likes me too AND he's known for "stealing" his other best friend's girlfriend ... big big big problem what should I do??? I really dont want to hurt my boyfriend and if I hook up with his best friend he'll hate me and so will the school where we all are !!!!
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reader, tara_incognita +, writes (12 November 2005):
Not only do I have a crush on my boyfriend's best friend, but I also told my boyfriend. I was entertaining the crush for a while because I thought it was harmless. Then I remembered that my boyfriend can sort of read my mind. I tried my hardest not to show my physical attraction to his best friend, but I didn't hide my attraction to his best friend's personality. Where is the border between making friends and flirting?
Everything after this point is incomplete, and I am not finished working through it, but I thought you would be interested in reading it anyway.
I think everything would have been fine if I had accepted the crush and let it pass. I just couldn't allow myself to be thinking about his best friend when we were making love, though, and my boyfriend caught on. He could tell that I was struggling with something. Why can't I just get high on fantasy when I'm behaving just fine in real life? My boyfriend has overreacted, and it's not helping. He won't have sex with me now, and so I won't have sex with him either.
He even got a headache and puked the other night. I think it was caused by psychological factors. That was the night I decided not to pay attention to him. I was giving him a taste of his own medicine. We just moved in together: me, my boyfriend, and his best friend. My boyfriend is doing to me what I have done to past lovers after moving in with them: ignoring me for work. I don't mention that I want more attention because then he would be paying attention to me as a duty or something he feels he should do rather than paying attention to me because he's attracted to me. I get attention from his best friend anyway. We cook together and talk about all sorts of things. This makes my boyfriend jealous.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2005): I am in the same situation. It sucks. I think that was some great advice about breaking up if you're not in love with your bf.. and finding out if you should be single. I think I'm going to try that, even though it's way way harder then it sounds... in the end, if it was really meant to be with the best friend, despite the awful circumstances, it will be clear to you.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (2 July 2005):
Sounds like a passing stage to me, dont do anything about it.
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reader, pops +, writes (29 June 2005):
Better question is, are you in love with your BF? You don't say so. This is the most telling lack of information you have shared with us. If you don't love your BF, end the relationship. Give yourself time to learn to like yourself as a single person, and then try dating again. Then look at this friend of your Bf and see if you are as interested in him still. If you are not picking up vibes that the friend thinks of you the same way you are being drawn to him, he probably does not love you. You will meet others. pops
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reader, Joe Mamma +, writes (29 June 2005):
You say you fell in love with this other guy - did you fall out of love with your bf? Are you in love with them both? Sounds like you have a crush. Crushes are normal in my opinion, even on your bf's best friend. What you probably need to do is to not act on it. Especially if you don't think he feels the same way about you. If this guy really is his best friend, he's not going to want you anyway. Not if you would do this to his best friend. I truly think this is a passing crush. Leaving the person you're with is a really hard decision. I wouldn't do it over a crush. I would try to overcome this crush by letting time pass and by trying to focus on what you love about your bf. Also- posting this question online is probably the most you need to talk about this. Talking about it with your friends will not only let the info slip back to your bf, but it will make it even harder to pass through the crush phase.
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reader, helpfull girl +, writes (29 June 2005):
I say stay with your boyfriend til you know the hints of his best mate telling you that he fancies you is there! If you tell his best mate you love him he may tell your feller then you could lose both. Be extra special to his best mate then gradually he might start fallingfor you too! Treat him differently to what you treat your other friends. Treat him more special! Then when the best mate begins to give hints that he likes you, turn round to him & say "Look,I might be wrong, but do you like me?" Say it blatant. Men like a blatant woman.
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