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female
,
anonymous
writes: Hi, I'm 26 female, and I really need help... I met someone online, and I know online chat is only for entertainment and not for a serious one, but this one I am serious. I met someone for the past 1 year and 7 months and I'm sure I love this guy, but the problem is we're in 2 different worlds... We chat every day and I'm happy every time we chat, but I need more. I ask him a long time before if we can talk through phone and ask for his contact no. and he ask the same and I gave it to him but he did not gave his because he's in India for work but he's originally from NY.He told me he don't have mobile phone and the only way we contact is by online chatting. He told me he will visit me here and be together and I've been waiting more than a year now and still nothing. I told him, if he can not come because of his work, I can go there and visit him but he told me no, because he don't want me to spend lot of money, and he's the one who will visit me. I can't stand this anymore. I need more, even phone call is really OK with me. All I want is to express how important he is to me in different ways. All this time all I got is 1 picture of him. He told me he cannot do anything and I don't understand why. Just all I need is to wait but I got hurt everytime he keeps on promising and giving me hopes and still nothing changes. He told me he hurt himself if I leave him. I know he love me because I trust him... and now I cannot leave him. It's really killing me. I love him so so much! All I'm asking is I want someone who can be with me, and now that I thought I found someone who totally loves me, and all I want is for him to do something and prove to me how he really loves me, or let me say do some effort to show me he really loves me, but still I'm in pain. Please help. I really need it... thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much country woman,dazzerg, drpsych, irish49, wild thaing, you guys really help me alot. i really do appreciate all your advice. may god bless you all. thanks again. takecare all...
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (21 May 2006):
 I do agree with Wild Thaing on what he has said about loving yourself.
I am also a single mum with a 5 year old daughter and whilst we all think about our faults, lumps and bumps where we don't want them, well for me that is but at the end of the day I know I am a good person and I have always tried to be a good friend to others and like you I have often forgotten about myself and put others needs first but after a while you start to get wise and realise that while everyone else is happy you are the one sitting around miserable.
I am not suggesting for one minute that your sons needs are not important but you do need to consider your own needs and start to feel good about yourself again. Confidence that is outwardly glowing comes from within and while you hang on to the hope that your online man is going to come good (this I seriously doubt, I think you are just kidding yourself), you are denying your own happiness.
So things haven't worked out for you in the past, that is just it that was the past and your future lies ahead of you. Being a happy mum and having someone to take care of you is also very important.
By letting go of your internet man it doesn't mean that you are letting go of the chance of happiness, start to do things for you again and you will soon start to like yourself and they say that a child smiles so much more than an adult and you have to question that as smiling is such a good tonic so take a leaf out of your sons book and the time you normally spend online start to laugh again and smile again and once you are doing that you won't need to go looking for a guy as they will come flocking believe me.
I will reiterate one point though you need to be seen to by the world so start getting out more and don't rush into a new relationship as you are hurting right now.
The sooner you say goodbye to online guy the sooner the recovery will start, honestly.
BFN
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reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (21 May 2006):
 I want you to know that you are very lucky to have someone (your son) to make you smile. But it is clear (at least to me) that you need more than that, and I will tell you that your need will NOT be fulfilled by your son, by your friends, by your family, and ESPECIALLY NOT through a romantic relationship. You have already tried to fulfull that need through romantic relationships, and you have not succeeded.
You currently do not love yourself. When you say, "All I think is I want my loved ones to be happy", you leave out the happiness of the one who really is most important - you. If your happiness depends on the states of others, then you leave yourself at the mercy of ALL of your relationships, including the one with your son. This is a vulnerability that people in your life can sense very easily, and can exploit either intentionally or unintentionally. Why should any of these people care about your happiness if they don't need to? They just manipulate your need to make them happy to ALWAYS get their way with you. That is why you have had nothing but failed relationships, and if you don't find a way to love yourself you will also fail in your relationship with your son.
In order to be truly happy, you must prioritize the important people in your life. This starts with YOU as the most important person. At this stage in your life, you probably think that it is selfish to put your needs above all others, but this is a mistake. Your primary need is to be able to love yourself, and when you discover how to do this, you will be amazed at the kind and quality of people you can attract. They will simply be drawn to you because they want "in" on that uplifting aura you have.
Finally, the benefit of learning to love yourself is that you can teach your son the same thing - and this is the greatest gift you can give him. I wish you luck, and remember to get out there and experience life in such a way that helps you learn to love yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni am a single mom, have a son who's 8 years old, got pregnant at the young age and when my ex bf found out that im pregnant, he left me, and until now never heard anything from him. i raise of my son alone and also with the help of my family. i've been in many relationship before and it end's up nothing, they all left me alone crying... sometimes i think maybe theirs something wrong with me, thats why i cant find anyone, for years and years im alone and im lucky i have a son to make me smile, but still i feel sometimes theirs still missing in my life... and now that i thought i found someone and still i end up for nothing. im a woman that when i fall in love i gave it all and sometimes i forgot to think about myself, all i think is i want my love one's to be happy . i want to start again, back my life again but honestly, now i dont know how. im a simple person with simple dreams to have a family, and to walk with full of confidence and say this is me and i ca do everything i want with out thinking other people first. i am trying to forget him bec. 1 year and 7 months of waiting and hurting myself is i think is enough(not as i hurt my self physically but by allowing him to gave me hopes and promises and me keep on waiting). i dont want to close my doors to anyone guy i will met, but right now i think i dont want to fall in love again. and now i will tell u honestly im still thinking of my "fantasy man", but im not losing hope that he will do something and make some effort. i dont want to sound desperate so im doing my best to feel ok and to pretend that i am ok.
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reader, Country Woman +, writes (20 May 2006):
It hurt me too when I was tricked or my one tried to trick me and a lot of people could say how could you be so gullible but you get drawn in and especially if they know you are insecure or vunerable. I got wise to my one and you are now doing the same with this guy.
The way to stop the contact is to remove all traces of him from your computer i.e. his addresses etc and perhaps change yours as he will not be able to contact you if you give yourself a new persona online.
But do leave the computer alone right now and start to live life in the real world. Start a hobbie or get out with your friends or family and see what life has to offer you.
If you have been stuck in doors think about all the things you have been missing.
Going out in the fresh on a day when it is sunny and just enjoying other people's company. Give yourself a few treats if you can afford it like a trip to the hairdressers or get a manicure or anything that makes you feel better.
We all need a bit of pampering from time to time and right now you need to feel full of life and feeling good about yourself.
You are a wonderful woman and you need to repeat that to yourself every single day of your life. If you believe it you will exude it and then you won't be able to keep the men away trust me.
Get out there and enjoy yourself again. We are here on this earth once only so they say so stop wasting any more time and embrace life to the full.
BFN
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2006): You did make the right decision to stop on the contact and I'll tell you why. What many of us find disturbing is how you've let all your emotional boundries down with a man you haven't met. That is not smart..that's pretty reckless, if you ask me. There are 'cyber' men out there, who are sooo deeply involved in the Internet world, they find it a more compelling attraction than meeting a live, loving woman. These men are in a place where fantasy is real and they have little use for the messiness of real people and relationships. They are the lost souls in cyberspace. All indicators point to this man possibly being one of these guys. Many people meet online, but the big difference is---they guard their emotions until 'after' they have met the person in real life and spent many months, getting to know his/her family, his/her friends, seeing how he/she lives, evaluating his/her world, etc, etc. When you see how someone runs his life, is the best indication of what life with him will be like in the future. He's not offering to allow you to see that. You owe to your self to to get out there in life and find someone who will make you his one and only...in the real world, preferably close to you. I am being objective here and all I see, is a nice woman who is wasting her love, her heartfelt feelings and emotions on a man who lives far away and doesn't want to meet you. This guy is frivolous, he's hollow and likely could live a joyless life and has found that his online contacts give him a superficial sense of happiness. If he was sincere and was a man who is genuinely looking for true love.., he would've been jetting straight to you within a month's time after meeting you, online. There are many deceitful people online. But if you use your better judgment, exercise equal parts of common sense, caution and patience, you will probably find some real nice, normal men. With any real luck, one of them will prove lovable and will not keep 'stringing you along' for well over a year! Don't count on this guy for anything, especially love and stop giving your love to some cyber guy who says 'nice' things to you. Learn to discern a man's true feelings by how they behave not what they say.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for all the aunt's that take time to give an advice, i really appreciate all your effort. i know i sound desperate, but i already told him that i can not chat with him anymore, i will just wait him to do some effort, if he really love me. and if he doesn't do anything then i know it will hurt me alot, but im willing to take the risk, bec. i think thats the only way i can solve this. but his keep on sending me mails begging to chat with him, and its really hard for me, very hard. i hope i made a right decission. thank you alot and god bless u all. i will wait for all response for this, i really wish a good luck for me.
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reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (20 May 2006):
He's married and using you to fill a gap in his marriage. And I agree with Irish49 - you are in love with a fantasy, which is appropriate given that you are searching for a relationship on a medium that is based on inanimate electrons.If you want to find a true companion and a fulfulling relationship (romantic or not), step away from the computer, walk out your door, and start to meet some real people. If you can, take some college/university courses - it doesn't matter how old you are, and it doesn't matter if there are age differences between you and the people you meet in these courses. Building real relationships (romantic or not) take time - sometimes months. I think you are young and have years ahead of you to resolve your insecurities and patiently build solid relationships the old-fashioned way.Good luck, and please come back to this forum to tell us about your in-person connections with your friends.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2006): You have been given excellent advice on this page from all the aunts. Just want to add my thoughts. This guy is definitely hiding something and I think he's quite comfortable hiding behind his computer. That idicates to me, something 'fishy' is afoot and by posting your concern, you may be finally recognizing this. You can meet people online but if no move to meet each other 'in real life' within the first 4-8 weeks, then take that as a BIG red flag. This hasn't happened here so I have to say, you are not in love with the man himself, you are emotionally involved with merely a fantasy-a computer and some text words. Do you honestly believe there is a possibility of a future with someone you have never met, especially in over a year? You claim to love him? How do you build love, trust, respect and the sense of bonding/solidarity when you don't spend 'real' time doing things together. Unless he comes out from behind the enclosed, safe world of his computer and plans to meet you, as soon as possible...there is no future here. Which makes me wonder why you are spending precious time and emotional energy on no future?'. You really sound lonely and it appears you want to connect with a 'real live man'...but from what you say about this guy, you won't get a deep and rewarding relationship. Step out from behind your fantasy world, get out and join the real world. Go and find someone you can touch, you can hug , you can look into their eyes, watch their body movements and discern from that, if you have love or not. That is the only way.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (20 May 2006):
 Definitely married...just playing you, forget about him...nothing there for you.
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (20 May 2006):
 Unfortunately this doesn't seem to be going anywhere. He would have made your acquaintance in person by now if he had any intention of doing so. Basically there are a lot of internet dating addicts out there who speak to lots and lots of people everyday by chat software. The computer is a great tool for hiding your identity or aspects of your personality, or circumstances that you do not wish to reveal. There are a lot of odd people hiding out in chatrooms who cannot make connections in the real world(although I am sure there are some nice, if shy, people too). However hurtful it must be, you must come to accept that this man is a bit of a non-starter. You think you love him, but really you just love his online persona. You cannot make this man meet you, and even if you did meet him you might be very disappointed with the end result because you must have a great impression of him via the net and it would be hard for him to meet your 'fantasy man' terms in real life.
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reader, Dazzerg +, writes (20 May 2006):
 Hiya,
I mostly agree with Country Women except it doesnt sound like he has asked for money and it sounds like he could have some serious emotional problems (the threatening to hurt himself).
The bottom line is that neither me nor you nor anybody else can tell the genuineness of his story, bits may be true other bits may not be but who really knows. Not having any other form of contact is not a good sign and it being a year is also not a good sign. I would definatly not put all your eggs in one basket and definatly not give him any money. Take care.
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (20 May 2006):
I am sorry to say but I don't believe this guy is genuine.
If it has been 1 year and 7 months and you still don't have any contact telephone numbers then he is not genuine.
I ended up getting caught in this trap online and I thought the guy I saw on screen was fantastic, he told me how much he loved me and he was absolutely gorgeous. I have to say when my sister saw his pics online she said he looks like a model or a guy on a knitting model picture and he did. I couldn't believe my luck that this guy was telling me how much he loved me and he had never even met me and how we would be together and we would get married the whole lot. I did question it all though as you think to yourself no one can say all that online without knowing you.
Anyway, mine went on for several months and we became quite close talking online every night but the annoying part was when he would disappear online and reappear saying his connection had dropped or he had gone for a drink or toilet.
He then mentioned money as he knew I was a business woman as he worked for a charity abroad.
Anyway the short and long of it was that I said No and then he said that another woman had helped him out but I asked for contact numbers and wanted to speak to him over the phone and he never gave them to me but said he would ring me but I only ever gave him a mobile number, it never happened. It would cost him to call me.
Online was free.
He was a scammer and this guy you are talking to is probably the same if you have no phone numbers or addresses for him, then don't trust him.
If you have nothing to hide then a phone number is the least you can give to someone you supposedly love.
Move on as there are real men out there and loads more in this country online and in the flesh. Don't waste your life on someone who will never be more than a virtual man.
I am sorry to be harsh but that's the long and short of it.
I was low when I was contacted by this guy but my gut instincts of being a business woman kicked in. Has he asked you for any money at all?
If he does, decline completely.
Don't be desperate, you are worth more than that.
This guy could be someone in a seedy little flat somewhere who only talks to you when he works out the time difference and is probably someone in this country or could be abroad but is not the man you think he is. It is hard to break free but I did it and so can you, believe me.
Be with someone who can be with you totally and go to a salsa class or something or mix with your friends and you will soon find someone I'm sure.
There is a whole world out there and sitting on a computer all the time rather than holding a man for real is just not worth it as your life is passing you by. We are only here once so make the most of it eh!
If you ever want to chat we are all here for you so do come back again and again OK.
Hope the above helps a little bit.
BFN
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male
reader, yoyouyont +, writes (20 May 2006):
sounds like your being strung along, get a life outside the net and meet a person who isnt just a template fantasy who's really waiting for a sneaky shag away from his family (just a wild guess)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2006): The brutal truth is, it sounds like he's married.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2006): You may think you really know this guy as you have been chatting for so long, but you can never really know everything about a person and having never spent anytime with him, you know alot less than you would like to admit. It sounds to me like he is hiding something from you and you need to be really careful that you dont waste your life waiting for something to happen with someone who may not be worth the wait. When people are truly in love, then they move mountains to see each other; i cant buy into the idea that he doesnt want you to come to see him as he's worried about you spending money and he wont make the effort to speak to you on the phone..there have been phones longer than mobiles and he could easily call you, if he wanted to. Im sorry, but it really sounds like he is making excuses and im sure you deserve better... have you wondered what might be going on in india without your knowledge or if there is reason he doesnt want his phone to ring.. If he wont make any effort then i think you need to move on and dont let yourself feel guilty about what he might or might not do if you stop chatting with him, he is just trying to control you. Be careful...and dont look back in a few years asking where the time went..
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