A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't know where to begin. Im in my 20s and currently studying. I never really had a childhood or even anything during my teens. I've spent my entire life alone and isolated. However rescently my life is beginning to pick up. I made the most amazing friend anyone could have. She is outgoing and very assertive which is what I need to get me out the house and socialising. It was all going well but I dont know what happened, I've fallen in love with her. It is a first time for me but it will never be, we are friends and that is the line. I was out a few days ago with her and she was making out with this guy. I immediately felt jealous, so much I was actually paralysed on the spot. Part of me just wanted to destroy the guy but the other half was telling me it was just a primitive biological response.At the same time I felt hurt, I had no reason to be, but it hurt alot and I was completely unprepared for the pain involved. I left the club not long after (in a friendly way) and when I got home I started crying.Do you get over it ? is it just a phase that if you dont act on it, it will go away ?How do I stay a friend and not feel this way ?It hurt more than anything ive ever experienced in my life and im not eager to feel that way again.Thanks for taking the time to read :)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): Most importantly, it sounds like you want her as your friend, as you think she is good for you; try to keep this friendship no matter what.
It is possible that you have developed strong feelings for her just because this is the first time you get so much attention from a girl you like. I'm not claiming they are illusions, but you should know that the attraction is much much stronger when you cannot be together - it is the void, the uncompleteness that makes it so strong. This is something that abates when you realize it.
It might be wise not to socialize with her in places where her actions will hurt you (they are, as you say, primitive feelings and you'll feel sorry about yourself later, which is not so good) but this is not always an option.
Try not to be around her when you're more than just a bit intoxicated. if you're new at the social arena, and she is as she sounds like: an open and experienced person, then she'll see through your every word and read your intentions. she would detect self pity (or something that should not be there anyway) and that is not good for the friendship.
You should actually have a very clear understanding about how you are going to act when something similar happens in the future so you don't react awkwardly: visualize fully any situation and construct your response.
Have some good faith in the future -there is always a possibility that you'll be together. Try not focus on the lack of relationship at the present. If you are cheerful, many things tend to sort themselves out without getting too hairy.
Worst of all (if you cry/drink/brood a lot) is to stay away from her as much as you can, and see if you can control your feelings.
Try to see her as a complete and different person than you, with her subjective view of the world, and her actions will not hurt you so much; you might even feel happy for her if she is happy. Empaty is a very very powerful tool when used rightly.
God! when I read all this through I realize it sounds a lot like the plethora of self help ephemera out there. This is just from my practical experience and I can only hope that some of it appeals to you. This is how I came to term with my 'only friend flames'. I must add that it took its time. In the end, things have a way of working out for good or for bad anyway so...
I wish you good luck
It's not bad to drink oneself to stupor and listen to blues for a while either. Just don't make it a permanent thing :)
A
female
reader, sweet_lover101 +, writes (15 April 2009):
 Hey I'm really sorry of what you're going through right now. I completely agree with "ilovebowsandcherries"
You have to get closer to her first then soon after she might feel the same way aswell. But if she just want to be friends then just accept it. I know its hard but as you said
"I never really had a childhood or even anything during my teens. I've spent my entire life alone and isolated. However rescently my life is beginning to pick up."
You're just starting to discover new people and If your looking for your true love or someone to spend the rest of your life with, you will find her. You sound like a very sweet, kind man =]
What do you mean you can never be with her? Whats the reason ?
Please dont hesitate to mail me =]
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTnx for the advice.
I'd love to tell her how I feel, but I know she doesnt feel the same way. I dont want to damage our friendship by telling her how I feel.
Also I don't have any experience what so ever when it comes to relationships or women for that matter. So I would just crash and burn.
I can only hope that over time I get over it.
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A
male
reader, jay12toes  +, writes (15 April 2009):
 Have you ever seen the movie "Boys and Girls" The guy in that movie was in the same situation as you. The fact of the matter is that if you dont want to hurt then you either have to get her to be your girlfriend or you have to not spend as much time out with her. or you can suffer through it while you look for a girl who makes for a good distraction.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): Hi, I felt the same way over this guy I knew, and no, the feeling didn't go away as he had a girlfriend. However, after going on a school trip together we got closer and he told me he felt the same way about me, I was overjoyed, he dumped his girlfriend and asked me, so I would let her know because there is a chance she may feel the same way. For me though, I am now suspecting that he is still seeing his ex-girlfriend and I feel crushed, so let her know, give it a go, even though your in love with her, if you do start going out, things might not work out the way you thought it would.Hope that helps in any way, good luck, you seem like a decent guy.:)
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (15 April 2009):
 if she just wants to be friends you just need to make yourself realise that's all it will ever be.i mean sometimes friendship developes into something more but that can be years down the line.perhaps talk to her about how your feeling?it'll go away in time until you meet someone else you really like whom probably has the same feelings as you.i mean definately keep socialisingbut i mean tell her how you have been feeling who knows maybe she does have feelings for you?but at lease you'll know as to whether you guys could ever be or have been without waiting around for an answer like a love sick puppy thinking what if?
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