A
male
age
30-35,
*inetiesKid
writes:As much as I try to suppress the feelings of loneliness, it always comes back to haunt me when I like someone.I'm 19 years old and I am an at home carer. I suffer from frequent periods of low mood, I have what I believe to be social anxiety disorder along with other anxiety issues, with these I find it very difficult to make friends and maintain relationships with people.I used to think I was just shy but as I have grown older I've come to realise that it is more then just being a bit nervous around people. I frequently mask my feelings of sadness and self-loathing when in company.Hiding my emotions causes them to build up and eventually it'll all come down on me like a brick wall and I will go into a state of 'hibernation' where I will not be comfortable enough to see or even contact anyone outside of my family, this can last for several months. Due to these 'hibernations', I lose friends.I feel that I need someone to confide in other then those in my family, though I feel unable to do so.I've recently taken risks (if you will) to make new friends and to renew bonds with old ones. The following is an example of a risk I undertook recently:I was invited to go to a local alternative music venue by a lady friend whom I had mutual friends with some years ago. She had told me that she had no-one to go with and wanted me to go with her, this made me somewhat comfortable with going to this event.Some of her friends were going to be the venue that evening so I invited a former close friend, who had already made plans for that evening. This meant that I would most likely be in much unfamiliar company for the night which terrified me but I had been told to take risks in my latest CBT session. So I took the risk of being on my own. As the event neared I had started to make arrangements to meet the lady friend before going. Upon making arrangements, I was told by my lady friend that she already had someone to go with. So why did she ask so nicely previously?Again, I took a risk and went anyway, despite being very hurt by what had happened. Upon arrival I see her with her friends. I could have easily turned and left the place but I had been told that the more you avoid these kind of situations, the worse your anxiety will get.I had tried sparking up a conversation with her which had turned into small talk and didn't go any further. My heart was pounding and I felt huge amounts of terror so I fled the scene in search of some familiar faces for comfort. I was quite unsuccessful in doing so as the one person I spoke too, a school friend, didn't remember me from a funeral that took place several months previously.I bumped into my lady friend some minutes later in the smoking area. I did not see her right away as I was trying to switch off and have a moment to myself. She approached me, probably out of pity from seeing me on my own. She invited me over to her group of friends who were already engrossed in conversation. She then introduced me but I was unable to hear much of what was being said to me due to how busy the smoking area was which had made joining in difficult.I soon went back inside to refresh and to get another drink. I bumped into her whilst at the bar. She said a thing or two several times but I was unable to respond appropriately due to not hearing what was being said and being anxious. With both of these taken into account, my face was giving of a blank expression to which her response was "Hold it you fucking idiot!" with a laugh and a hint of sarcasm in her voice. As I was still clueless to what was being said, she had got frustrated and turned to another one of her friends and forgot I was there. I can't blame her.I saw her get another dude a drink so I went to have a moment to myself and drink the last of my money. I had left several moments later upon finishing my drink. I sent her a text saying "Spent all my cash I'm off home". She appeared to be a bit sad in her reply of sad faces._________I am unable to draw a positive conclusion from this nights events, therefore I wish to ask readers, who have not yet gotten bored of my writing:What is your conclusion and what are your thoughts regarding this event?Thank you.
View related questions:
money, period, shy, spark, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (31 October 2011):
 Hi Ninetieskid,You are very welcome! I feel a positive energy from you already.. I am being very honest, and very serious. This is how I truly feel after reading your post, and I would never give you false advice, or sugar coat, just so you can feel better. I hope you stay strong...I hope you find peace, and happiness....Just remember, everything is possible, it's only up to you...Good luck!!!
A
male
reader, NinetiesKid +, writes (30 October 2011):
NinetiesKid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA fantasic piece of advice. Thank you. You definitely sound like you know your stuff.
Again, thank you.
...............................
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (27 October 2011):
Hi Ninetieskid,The key to recover is to: •Acknowledge / which you did•Understand why you feel like you doRealize that what makes you feel this way is over thinking too much, which causes a over-tired mind, fatigue by contanst worrying thoughts, Nd this is the reason why you keep this feeling alive, and that's what makes you get caught in this vicious cycle. Thinking deeply, and constantly. This became a habit for you, part of you, and your life, you know that you can change. Why xo you feel better in certain situations and not in others? It's all about how you think, you may feel safe at home or around your family, bit not in public, or with certain kind of people. There's no difference in both situation, you still the same person, the only difference is the way you think, and it's not the situation that makes you feel worst, it's the pattern how you think. For example: you may worry all day about certain event you are going to attend, doing so your body and mind will feel anxious upon your arrival, then you blame the situation, you get there you worry about making a fool out of yourself, spending the whole time tense, stress creating more anxiety, do you see? Basically, you are doing to yourself with your thoughts. You just need to learn how to control your mind, and the "what if's" Once you accept how you feel, try not to put worry too much on how you come across, it will be easier to understand what the other person is saying. When you try too hard, seems to slip further to reach. You need to understand the word, "who cares"? For now, breath, eat well, exercise, keep positive thinking, and slowly you will see that all these negatives feelings will fade away. We all do have insecurities, anxieties, your feelings are a little more strong than normal, but I am sure you will overcome your demons. Do not be alone, avoid people, this will only give more strengh to your negative thoughts. You did well going out, trying to intereract with friends, continue doing so... Feel better... Good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, NinetiesKid +, writes (26 October 2011):
NinetiesKid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI see what you're saying, I am very uncomfortable with being myself, I care way too much about what people are thinking and will think of me. It all seems irrational, even to me, but I'm stuck in a vicous circle, therefore I sought for advice. Thank you.
...............................
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (26 October 2011):
Hi,
I know you are dude... Sorry my bad, I was so anxious to answer your question, but I hope you understand, and hope I helped you some how...
I hope I made sense, and hope you start feeing better...
Just be strong, and know that how you are feeling right now, anxious, your insecurities, those feelings are quiet normal, and most of us go through similar situation. What I am trying to say is that, if you keep a positive mind, know that it's ok to make mistakes, I am sure you can overcome all those feelings, and I know for sure you can be a healthy, normal young man. I hope you are not mad at me? :)
Remember that you can find happiness, and it's only up to you, and never let anybody control your life, or put you down, because nobody is better than anybody...
Best wishes/good luck...
...............................
A
male
reader, NinetiesKid +, writes (25 October 2011):
NinetiesKid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the replies but I'm actually a dude, Chickpea.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2011): HiSome things that helped me:1. Do voluntary work or actual work where part of your job involves making "small talk" with people. In this way you learn how to interract but with very safe boundaries in place. This could be something like waiting tables or working in a charity shop. It doesn't have to be much, maybe one or two afternoons or evenings per week.2. Try making friends with people who do not share the same language as you - if English is your first language, try making friends with someone who is not fluent in English. You might think that this will make you feel more awkward but in my experience it has the opposite effect - there is already an understanding between you both that your communication is not going to be perfect, and you can both feel "awkward" without feeling awkward about it if you know what I mean!3. Try taking up a group based hobby with people of your own gender. For example, try joining a local/amateur football team or fishing "group" where you are not expected to say much but instead are expected to do an activity. When you feel more confident, you can either ask people if they fancy a drink or a coffee or so on afterwards, or wait to be asked.4. Get a dog! If you can afford it, get the cutest, happiest dog in the world. You will notice that when you are out with the dog, people will smile at the dog and then at you. You can learn to make simple responses such as smiling or even stopping for a simple chat about the dog.5. Read. Read interesting books so that you have something to talk about AND something to think about. These can be novels involving stories about people interracting or factual books that help to support any new hobbies that you may develop.Hope this helps!! Good luck!!
...............................
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (24 October 2011):
Hi,
My dear, you write really well, so therefore you seem like a smart girl. It's a good thing that you admit you have social anxiety, but to me seems like it's more about confidence. I don't know you well to make any judgment, but to me I think is more in your head. I am not sure what happened to you in your past that made you this way, but I think you are a smart, perfectly normal girl at your age. See, the hardest years of anyone life's is the teenage years, going of be young adults. Peer pressure is difficult for everybody, and believe me, you are not the only one. We all had our moments, made friends with the wrong crowd, and its ok, because that's how we learn. We need to make mistakes, meet the wrong people to appreciate the good ones. Making mistakes will only make us stronger, and better people.
I am very sure that everybody in the world have anxiety, I guess your is a little more extreme than normal, but if you keep strong, have positive thoughts, slowly this anxiety will go away. I think you should work in your attitude, change the way you think, life is not that difficult, I think you are making more difficult.
To me, what happened that night, is something that happens all the time, has absolutely nothing to do with you, because you didn't do anything to embarrassed yourself. I think you behave very appropriate, handle yourself well, and I am very proud that you decided to go anyways. One thing I want to mentioned, when your female friend ask you exclusively, then told you she had found another person to go instead, I think you kind of overreact. Of course, it's hurtful, but it's not that bad to the point that should hurt your feelings... It's not serious... Next time you should think, oh well...
In life we all go through difficult situations, sometimes good, somtimes bad, but what your female friend did to you is not a big deal. In life we will go through more difficult situations, like betrayal, cheating, lies, dishonesty, etc... Those things you should consider serious. But, bottom line is, it's all part of life..... :)
Breath.... Smile.... Think positive... Be grateful for your family, your life... You are very young still, have a full life ahead. Instead of wasting your time with nonsense, negative thoughts, think of all the opportunities you still have ahead.... Career, boyfriend, new friends....
Anyways, I think I am talking too much, I hope you don't take life too seriously, yet. Right now, it's time to enjoy your youth, these are the best years of your life, believe me... I am 38 :(
Hope you feel better soon, know that to me you are a young, healthy young lady, just trying to find your place, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you...
Please, keep us post, let's us know how you are doing, ok??
Best wishes/good luck....
Ps: I think you should just keep in touch with your female friend, keep civil, because there's no reason to make enemies, but I think you should find better friends... I don't think you can learn anything from her, by her language, it's not nice to talk like that....
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (24 October 2011):
 I sympathize with what you're saying about the longer you stay out of the social scene the harder it gets to return to it, but I think what should help is just ACCEPTING you're going be awkward until you get back into the swing of things. If you really like this woman, tell her what's going on. Tell her you would like to get to know her better but you've struggled with social anxiety and so you'd love to do something one on one with her, like get coffee.Even if you think you blew it, like you said, you took a risk. Your therapist should be guiding you with social arsenal, so that you are able to interact with people with the least amount of stress/social damage to you. The thing with being anxious with being in public and interacting with strangers is that you're better off faking it til you make it. IF you let your nerves take over, anything you do will feel as though it's under greater scrutiny than it is and in turn you will be harder on yourself, and the more you are hard on yourself the more people will notice that you don't feel comfortable. BSing with people is a skill. You build up topics of conversation that usually don't involve funerals. Ask your therapist for tips so that you can take INFORMED risks, instead of just throwing yourself into a fire.
Try to punch your low self confidence in the face. A lot of those friends you lost are either NOT really friends OR, what I'm finding, are not really lost, you can regain them at any time. True friends can be picked right back up after a hiatus. A friend will understand your style and your going in and out of hibernation. You can do this.
...............................
|
