A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've just split up with my partner. We have kids together. He is living in our other house. He is constantly asking me if I'm dating and asks me "please don't become the town bicycle". We've only been split up a month. It's not really his business whether I'm dating or not (although I plan to remain celibate for at least a year), but when I tell him I'm not dating he doesn't believe me and instead prefers to think that I'm sleeping around. I don't know if he is dating or not because I don't really care. He's the one who broke up with me. Why would he care who I date, when I date, or how many?
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broke up, celibate, split up Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 This is never going to end on good manners alone. If you want a job, or study, or whatever, go for it. He can only accept the fact.
All the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: ex called me 5x tonight in a row. 5x! wth. told him it was none of his business whether I was dating or not and he said "*of course* it's my business!!!" (imagine that in all caps for emphasis) keeps insisting that I'm *lying* to him and I *must* be dating already. sigh. it's never going to end, the jealousy. But I hope it does.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (8 March 2011):
By the way, I like the colorful expression, "town bicycle". It makes me laugh because when I was a kid a guy in our neighborhood did have a bicycle, and it was called "the people's bicycle" because he would lend it to anyone.
Funny, colorful English expression.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (8 March 2011):
I wouldn't use the word "care". I would use the word "worry".
He worries about who you date, and asks you not to become "the town bicycle" because he may still have feelings for you, and it hurts to think that the woman you love may be having the time of her life with someone else, or some-many else's, if you understand me.
He doesn't want you to get a job/school/et cetera because Other Men can be found there, and Other Men check out available women and court them. So he wants you to stay at home. Same reasons.
Also, some men feel that they don't want to be providing all the food and etcetera only for Some Bastard to eat from their hard-earned alimony payments.
You don't owe him any explanations. Tell him you two are over, et cetera, and state this means he has no control over you. Then you can do as you please.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (8 March 2011):
Your reply makes it even more clear really. He's clearly a control freak. You should probably get a job and find a great new boyfriend who isn't off his trolley! Enjoy the rest of your life. Oh, and also remember to clean him out whilst you're at it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLove it. Thanks so much. In fact, he has always been very controlling, of course I didn't realize it in the beginning because it was so insidious. In fact, he doesn't even want me to get a job (even though we've split, wtf right?) and insists on financially supporting us completely ... though not if I go back to school/get a job/assert myself in any way, shape or form.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 March 2011):
He doesn't care. Don't mistake this for some sort of feeling that he may have for you.
The truth is, he's quite enjoying the control he seemingly still has over you. He's trying to make sure you don't move on, because the idea of you moving on means that he will lose control. That's why he continually asks about who you're dating, and why he never believes you. It means you have to give him attention, and thus he has control over you.
Do not entertain this conversation ever again. The moment he mentions it, tell him it's no longer his business, and that you will not discuss it. If he gets mad, leave.
This is about him having control over you, not anything else. You need to break that cycle of control to ensure he doesn't wind up controlling you in other ways.
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