A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend of 3 years recently broke up with me. To give some background on the situation...We both are from and went to school in NYC (and both plan on staying there). She is still a senior and I graduated from college last year. For this year, however, I moved to Chicago to complete a one year masters program but will be returning to NYC in May to work. We were together for most of my year away so far until in January when she told me we need to break up. She claims that she is scared of growing up, getting too serious, and needs time to be free. According to her, she cares and loves me so much and invests so much in the relationship that it prevents her from living, doing new things, taking exotic trips, etc. She also claims that while I can balance school and the relationship she cant and ends up thinking about me and it all the time instead of doing her work. She says that if we are meant to be we will come back to each other but she needs to be free and live her life. She wants to remain best friends and talk and see each other a lot. When she told me this, while I was devastated, I understood and agreed that if this is what she needed to do so be it. However, now that its been about a month some information has come to light and it seems as if she is completely playing me and I don't know what to do. First off, apparently the whole time we were going out there has been this guy her grade at school who has been obsessed with her. He hit on her constantly and while I don't think she physically cheated on him with me, I'm not sure and def some emotional barriers were crossed. They do everything together now and about two weeks after we broke up they took a trip away together to the Bahamas. When we've talked about it and she claims they are just friends and shes just having fun. He is only there to meet her sexual needs and she doesn't even like him. However, they are now going on spring break together as well and she hasn't been hooking up with or dating anyone else. The fact of the matter is is that it seems she has broken up with me for him and not to be free, but every time I confront her about it she denies it or any actual feelings for him. She says "I can be a guy too". This kills me because i feel like she is lying to me and is a completely different person than I thought she was. She always plays herself off as this sweet, innocent, likable girl but everything she is doing now points to the opposite aka lying, deceitful, and manipulative. Additionally, this guys is a complete loser. He really has very few if any redeeming qualities. He has very few friends, is not very intelligent, not good looking, not career oriented at all, and smokes pot all day...She even admits to this. On the other hand, all my friends can't believe she would leave him for me. To quote this one girl I hooked up with since we've broken up..."You are so charming, smart, good looking, successful,nice and down to earth I cant imagine how this girl could have broken up with you" (she seriously said this and many other girls have said similar things; no joke). My problem is, however, I don't know what to do. Is she lying to me? My heart wants to believe no but my brain says yes. Am I a fool for still loving her/having feelings for her? I've been dating around but my feelings for her are still so strong and no one I met so far has really captivated me the way she did. Should I remain friends with her? I really don't want to because I feel like I am being played. On the other hand we had an amazing relationship (which she also admits to) and got a long so well. I wonder if the distance is playing a big part, but then again I am coming back to nyc in less than 2 months. When she broke up with me I was coming back in 3 months. She has always been selfish and needy and I just feel like that is playing such a big part in what she is doing. Then again I question why do I want to be with someone like that? Recently she has had a lot of emotional and insecurity issues as well and I wonder if maybe that's it? She has a terrible relationship with her father and I wonder if its spilling over into her relationships as well. I am very confused please help...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, cupids_friend +, writes (26 February 2009):
I am 20 years old
And yes I think that distance can have something to do with it what it seems like to me is that she is stressed pi and I am not on her side of this but she should not broke up with you I think that she just hase this guy as a fuck buddie if she wants to be just friends with you then let her know that you can solve her sexual needs to buy if she does not want to well the tour a better persone it sounds like you have no broblem getting a girl just ignore her and go on bro if it is really ment to be then the man above will make shure it is to be if you need anything else please let me know
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (26 February 2009):
 Once again it seems a genuine guy is being played by a silly little girl who has no idea what she wants. I think this site needs to set up a whole new category for these questions I'm seeing that many of them.
I will tell you the same as I have told all of the other guys who come on here asking for the same advice. She is using you, keeping you as the back-up option when she is done being free and single (and sleeping around).
This is not love, she is showing you no respect, she is trashing the memory of your time together and you deserve better. Dont let her play these games any more - cut off all contact and hope you never see her again.
I know this sounds harsh but I think you need a wake-up call with regards to this girl. The fact that she ran off to another guy who you have had previous concerns about even when you were together shows she clearly has no desire to be single. She is one of these girls that will jump from one relationship to the next trying to find that thing she feels is missing in her life - but she will never find it. What is actually missing in her life is that she has no idea who she is as a person and ironically, this will only come from her spending a good amount of time on her own.
Let her make her mistakes and do what she wants; she will realise she lost the best thing that ever happened to her (i.e. you!) but by then you will have moved on. Dont let yourself be in a situation where you feel more for her than she does for you!
Moving on will be hard and I suggest you probably stop dating for a while, it has only been a month or so since you split up so give yourself some time and space to move on properly. Dont bring other girls into it as they will just be rebounds for the next few months and as you said, no-one compares to your ex at the moment.
You sound like a great guy and you will find a girl who treats you right, just dont give up on that dream and settle for someone who will treat you the way your ex is right now.
Good luck!
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