A
male
age
36-40,
*orb21
writes:My ex and I dated for 2.5 years, where in the process I let myself go mentally to places I never should have, and I refused to seek help for my emotional issues until recently. I ended up breaking her heart by lying to her, throwing her under the bus and then moving out of our apartment instead of staying to fix things with her. It took her a while to realize how awful I was. We also got back together in May but then she told her best friend what I did, and he said I was awful and to stay away from me. We last saw each other a month ago. I found out she entered a rebound fling with some random guy that has since ended. I began therapy a month ago and have made massive strides towards fixing my mental health and realized how terrible I had been. I have since apologized to her family and best friend, who both were very nice and told me they hoped we'd find happiness together in the future. We spoke last night for the first time in 3 weeks. She asked me about the changed I had been making and then agreed that we should meet next month. She said I shouldn't expect her to jump back into a relationship with me during the meeting, and I told her I realized our old relationship was dead and any hope we have for a future must start fresh. She said she agreed. That's the only concerning thing, because I'm not interested in meeting with her just to eat and say hi. I have tried to be clear that I want a future, but I am willing to take it slow while she comes around.Assuming this is a good sign, where do I go from here? I am still giving her space and not trying to talk to her daily. I can't really show her any changes I've made though until we spend time together. My words mean nothing.
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male
reader, zorb21 +, writes (23 July 2016):
zorb21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know her motive to want to meet, but I do know I will never do anything like I did to her ever again, whether it is dating her or someone else. The pain I caused her and myself is awful. I live with it daily. I think about it all the time. I don't know what she will want to say or do. I do know I already established any future we have will have to start from scratch, and I fully intend to do that. I won't be pressuring her into jumping back into things quickly. She already said she had closure from our previous relationship and we both agreed it is dead, because it has to be. Where it goes from here, after we meet, I have no idea. I am prepared for any outcome. Even if she decides she never wants to see me again, it will be better than the current limbo we are in.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2016): Most people want to know...why? They need to know if you really loved them; and how could you do the things that hurt them, if you did. They are conflicted in their feelings and emotions; and are too weak to just get on with their lives, and stop dragging on what is not good for them. They are in a sense, addicted to the drama; and the person who causes it. It's a never-ending cycle of breaking-up and crawling back.
Yes, it's weakness! If not just being dumb! You should not return to things that cause you pain or traumatize you! That's common-sense.
If you read these posts, a large percentage of female posters are looking for closure from their exes, and really want to know if their exes ever really cared. They think they want them back to start over from scratch. Blaming themselves, and thinking they can fix it if "they changed." Not accepting or realizing it was a bad match from the start. Their foolish misdirected emotions only lead to more pain. They repeat exactly what happened before, only the outcome is worse. They refuse to accept that it's a bad match.
Many people foolishly pursue closure for emotional reasons. Not really realizing that they are forever keeping that can of worms open, and the pain they have is only perpetuated because they can't entirely move-on. They dwell on things and get stuck. They often need help, but don't know where to find it.
The culprits and perpetrators who cause the pain are very clever. They don't want to lose what they have, and they make promises they can only keep for a short while. Doing and saying whatever it takes to ease their own pain or bruised egos. It's selfishness. The outcome is usually the same. They end-up breaking-up anyway.
Not to say this is definitely your situation. A huge percentage of the time, that's what makes many women do what she's doing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 July 2016):
 She might have agreed to met up to get some sort of "closure" to perhaps understand better why you did what you did.
It's really impossible for us to say.
If I were you I'd just met up with no expectations.
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A
male
reader, zorb21 +, writes (22 July 2016):
zorb21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo clarify for those who are willing to read, I have not been constantly calling for texting her, and she was the one who said she thought we should meet, but I can't expect her to jump back into a relationship. Which I get. I understand. I have no expectation of her to jump back into anything with me after one meeting. I've told her that. If she has no plans to ever get back together with me, why does she want to meet? Why does she not want to cut contact? Why does she know I want a future and not say to me she doesn't want one if she truly doesn't want one? I was open with her regarding the fact that I knew if we are to have a future, we needed to start fresh and not jump back into anything immediately. She said she agreed. But it's fine. I know I was ^^^y to her. I'm seeking advice now. Not to have people just beat up on me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2016): Sometimes people make mistakes in life!Sometimes people are so mixed up or immature that they amplify their mistakes unwittingly.Accepting that you made mistakes and embarking on counselling so that you dont repeat these mistakes is a good first step towards creating a better future for yourself and it helps you to deal with longstanding beliefs that need reexamining.However it is difficult to accept the degree of unhappiness that others went through on your account!Reconnecting in the hope of reestablishing a lasting relationship is not always possible.And yet as it involves only yourself and your ex is not categorically impossible.It depends very much on how your ex sees the rest of her life evolving.Would she like you as her companion on her journey through life or does she think you are a tad too selfish or still tooo immature?Understanding what your ex wants is crucial to the outcome.Thinking "she will come round!" sounds largely as though this is a false belief you hold that women come round if you work on them enough and stay out of the way while the damage is cleared up..a bit like a naughty child that broke two vases of value behind mums back!You need to accept her individuality to understand that her emotions are uniquely her own and that she is a unique person in her own right!It might help if you think about what you could bring to her life that would make her happy and confident.A rattlesnake is still a rattlesnake even with wrappingpaper and a bow tie on.You should try to prepare your mind for the fact that she is meeting for lunch and that is all or you are going to feel very ill at ease when she doesn't fall for your new romance.Perhaps talking is a way to regain a tiny bit of your selfrespect but you should be aiming to make sure she feels good about meeting you for lunch and that she feels happier after the meal than before.That means you work towards giving her a very happy day along with the meal.You must give good energy without touching to make this possible but there is nothing wrong with a double peck on the cheek of the face on first meeting.Treat her like a lady as you seem to have forgotton that in the past.Dont bring flowers!It can just be annoying!A good vibe is the best you can offer and genuine friendship might be on the cards.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2016): She thinks she's meeting for lunch with no strings attached while you think its the first step of worming yourself back into her life!
She's already warned you thats not on the cards but because she answers your calls or texts you think its a distinct possibility!
Better at least order the same food so you have something in common!
It sounds like you want a second chance to trash her life as its all about what you want!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2016): I think you're reaching out to her because you don't have too many other people willing to give you the time of day. She endured a lot you put her through, and once again you're attempting to pull her back into a life with you that wasn't good or healthy for her. You've apologized, but nothing backs up an apology better than truly meaning it, and demonstrating how sorry you are from now on.
Consistency over time proves real progress and commitment to change. it assures success.
You can't change over-night. You've made a few strides in the right direction; but you've got a long way to go. How can you talk about the future when you're still working on your broken present, and she hasn't entirely gotten over the past?
This is a bit too much about you and what you want. I'll give it to you straight brother; you intend to manipulate her emotions through pity and making her feel responsible for your recovery.
That isn't fair. She'll end-up becoming your caretaker; when you're not where you should be yet. Why can't you talk about a future once you've given yourself enough time for a reasonable recovery? Meaning you no longer need regular therapy, and you know for sure you can successfully complete what you've started. It isn't my place to judge you. That isn't my objective here. I think you're being entirely selfish. The road to recovery from mental-illness is slow and laborious. You can have relapses that may do collateral-damage to those who really love you. So you shouldn't take on any heavy commitments that may place undue pressure on yourself. You don't know to what degree you will recover, nor how long it may take. Futures include possible marriage and children. She'd have to put her life on hold to allow you time to be fixed.
I'm not putting you down. I'm giving you a dose of reality.
If she has spent a lot of time telling you how much you've hurt her, I have to ask how much you have listened? A few sessions of therapy and your self-declaration that you're new and improved, is far too full of caveats.
If she had asked for advice, I would tell her to protect her heart. You're not really ready, and you're trying to get back what you've lost. The old cliche: "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone!" Let you commit to yourself first. Until you're better and worthy of taking on the responsibility of contributing to her happiness.
Prepare for the possibility she doesn't want what you want.
You only want her attention long enough to try and convince her she does. It's far too easy to play on her sympathies and toy with her emotions; knowing how you're struggling to prove how much you've changed. Her first inclination is to rescue you. That's what women do. It's to their own detriment in most cases.
I don't think you should offer yourself to any woman while still in the workshop and under major repair. I think you should wait until your therapist can write you a clean bill of health. That may take years. Thus may be "your" future. Getting well. That's where all your effort should be focused. Not on getting her back, but getting you back.
I can't even recommend friendship; because you broke-up on bad terms. She's in her own healing process.
When you mess-up, you'll always use your mental-health as an excuse. That's just too convenient.
You're far from ready. I'm sorry. It's not only for her own good, but for yours as well. Let her get on with her life.
Commit your time and energies to saving yourself. You're young. You'll find love in due time and when destiny brings it your way. Your past is too fresh as far as she goes.
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A
male
reader, zorb21 +, writes (19 July 2016):
zorb21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know she doesn't owe me anything. I told her I wasn't going to pressure her or rush things or force her into anything. I merely said that if we are to have a future, we need to start from scratch and I didn't expect her to jump back into anything with me like nothing happened. I'm encouraged because she's finally willing to meet for the first time in a month, and she didn't spend all night telling me how much I hurt her and how she wasn't over it. I know she's not over it, but I want to move forward and show her I am working on things. She did seem interested to know what I was doing to change. I'll ask her in a few days about how often I can contact her. She seems to be leaving that part up entirely to me, because she's responding to me immediately when I contact her but isn't reaching out to me often. She's just said to me she doesn't want to cut contact entirely. I just don't want to bother her if I talk too much.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (19 July 2016):
You aren't in a position to accept any one as part of your life because you do not have much to offer. Most likely the only reason you want her back is because you can not stand the thought of her being with someone else. You feel like "wow this girl put up with all my crap, she must be the one" but in reality it would more seem like you had nothing to offer, and you still don't besides empty promises. Your impatience and insistence on having a future with her are clear signs of this because you feel like you are giving her space. She is the one giving you space. And you both need space. So take things slow, and if she doesn't take you back, it would be for the best because you do need time to fix yourself. And she needs time to fix herself as well.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 July 2016):
Don't push for what YOU want. Apologizing was the right thing to so, but it DOESN'T erase all the crap you did in the past. She hasn't forgotten.
So while... "I'm not interested in meeting with her just to eat and say hi. I have tried to be clear that I want a future". is a GOOD thing that you have put it out there, it doesn't mean she OWES you a second go. It doesn't mean you are entitled to anything FROM her.
You have only been in therapy a month. FOCUS on your mental health issues FIRST. Otherwise you will end up where you were before. Therapy is not fixing past issues, it's learning how to deal with them and learn from the past. Keep seeing your therapist - good for you to acknowledge you have a problem and actually dealing with it so YOU can move forward.
Your ex might not even know what she wants. So relax. It might take your ex 4-6 months to feel safe around you, to trust you again. So you NEED to let her set the tempo. It might not happen at all, and THAT you need to accept to.
And your words DO mean something, as LONG as you back them up with action that support your words. Ask her what SHE think is the appropriate amount you can call and text her and then STICK to it. SHOW her you are REALLY working on proving you have made progress. She doesn't need grand gestures from you.
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