A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys.Posted about this on here before.Brief reminder:My ex had our son one day a week, left him in wet clothes, we had a row, then he turned round and said he didn't want to see our son anymore.Afew months ago his latest girlfriend threatened me too.He now wants contact, but following what has happened, I am worried about my son while in his care, and have said I want supervised visits. He flat out refused. He hasn't seen our son now for nearly six months. he was going to take me to court but that doesn't seem to be happening.A couple of weeks ago, he agreed to supervised visits, but coz neither of us can afford to pay for a professional supervised, we agreed that I would supervise the visits for now, see how it goes.It didn't happen....and he saw it as a family outing, when we aren't really a family.And that he now wants to see our son without supervised visits, that he made one small mistake (his words, regarding leaving our son in wet clothes). Its not all about the wet clothes though, although I personally think that is wrong in itself. He also said he didn't want to see our son again, plus gave his new girlfriend my number who then went on to threaten me.Am I over reacting? Is my ex leaving our son in wet clothes a small mistake? And the other stuff?Should I be giving him a chance? Or if I let my ex have our son alone after what has happened, am I just as guilty?
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 November 2013):
I think he's just a very selfish , uncaring man. I'm afraid there's no other real reason for it. Some people just care for themselves, and wont' take any responsibility. It becomes easy to just blame others, or just talk rather than actually do something.
There's nothing you can do other than do your best for your son. Pehaps, one day, your ex will realize what he's missing and actually make an effort. But don't count on it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks CaringGuy.
From a mans point of view, why do you think that he can't let go of this hate he feels for me, and just concentrate on being a dad? He is very good a blaming me for everything that has happened, and now saying I am stopping him from seeing our son, but the only one stopping him, is himself. If he let go of this hate and anger, then it would make things easier regarding access.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (26 November 2013):
Well if he's blocked you and not contacting you, then it's not your problem. Make sure that you log that too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks CaringGuy.I have logged the threatening incident with the police, they didn't do anything about it, like you said,but it gas been logged. She has not been in contact with me since.Its already been 6 months since my ex saw our son, and he hasn't so far taken it to a solicitor, as I have received nothing. The way I see it, is, IF he really wanted to see our son he:1. Never would of carried through with the no contact2. Seemed legal advice straight away 3. Would be happy to go for supervised visits as he would be seeing his sonHe has said that its me with the issues, that I am still in love with him (no way, after suffering domestic abuse by him), and that I am using our son as a weapon....he doesn't see what he has done as wrong.Like I said to him,I am more than happy for him to see his son, but supervised visits only, or he takes me to court.He doesn't help out financially, and has now blocked me on his mobile, so we cannot communicate about our son at all.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (25 November 2013):
There are two aspects to this, that are totally separate.
The first is the threatening girlfriend. The best thing to do from now, is to keep all threatening texts etc and log them with the police. Each and every time she threatens you, log it with the police. They won't be able to do anything straight away (bizarre laws!), but the more you log, the more likely they will then be able to speak to her about it.
With regards to your son and the visits, that's difficult and very complicated. You're very much in a catch 22. If you let him see your son unsupervised, you risk him being a crap father. If you don't let him see your son and he takes you court, you could wind up losing more time to your ex.
I think, really, that you need to look at somehow doing this supervised contact again, as painful as it may be for you. i also think you might benefit from visiting the citizen's advise, as they may be able to offer you free advise that might help you.
http://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe pays through the CSA,but at the moment he isn't working and gone back to college, so no money from him at the moment.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 November 2013):
 Personally, I wouldn't let him see him unsupervised if there have been episodes of neglect in his care (such as wet clothes and overfull diaper which cause the child a rash).
To me it seems more like he wants to see your son to control you rather then spend time with his son.
Does he pay Child maintenance?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Honeypie.
I have got a solicitor,but legal aid doesn't apply anymore in the UK, so visiting my solicitor costs each visit, and I cannot afford this.
Last time I saw her she told me that unless my ex takes me to court about visitation, there is not much that an be done.
I am at a lose on what to do, coz my ex doesn't appear to want to take things to court now, but is now asking to see our son. As I am concerned and want supervised visits, he isn't happy, and saying I am over reacting.
I just want what is best for my son.
Do I stand my ground? Or do I let him see our son and give him a chance? Am I really over reacting?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 November 2013):
Have you talked to your case manager? (if you have one) are you getting Child Maintenance? I don't know about the UK version of CM, but I do know in the US a custodial parent can get free legal advice - maybe you need to look into that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know how long my son was left in wet clothes, as I wasn't there. It wasn't he first time either, when my son was still in nappies, he was sent home to me in a VERY full nappy (so full intact, the inside of the nappy was coming out), and left a horrible painful sore rash on my son.After he said he wanted no more contact with our son, i still turned up the following week on the set day. I phoned and texted my ex to say we were outside like normal, but no response, i stayed there for an extra half hour, then we left coz he still didn't come and collect our son.Months went by before then he asked to see Alex. But in the meantime, i had to cope with a very upset little boy who didn't know what was going on. Then there was the threats from his girlfriend.I wouldn't normally keep a child from his dad, and even though we weren't together, an arrangement had been set up via my solicitor. But it was my ex who then went against, not just said it, but went through with it.My son's safety is the most important thing here. My ex was also violent towards me, which started when I was pregnant.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 November 2013):
If you don't feel comfortable letting him have your son alone then don't.
I agree having a diaper back with diapers, wipes, change of clothes, some favorite snacks is always wise.
I would NOT let him have unsupervised visits til YOU feel comfortable with him being with your ex again, and when your SON seems comfortable. I don't think your ex would hurt him, but leaving the child in wet clothes (not sure for how long) is neglectful of him.
I know you don't want the supervised visitation to seem like a family outings, so met at a play ground and let them interact, you don't have to be RIGHT there.
He is harassing you, but that doesn't DIMINISH the fact that he IS THE DAD. Whatever you feel towards him and he feels towards you should be IRRELEVANT. IT should be about your son. You do not have monopoly of the SHARED child, because you are the mom and primary caregiver - UNLESS he signs away his rights. THAT is the legal side of it.
Find something that works for both of you. IF you aren't sure the ex is ready to have him over night or unsupervised then DON'T. BUT that means YOU or a neutral 3rd person (his mom/your mom or someone you BOTH can accept needs to be there).You can't have it both ways.
I understand it would be easier if he just went away and left you to praise your son in peace and quiet, but THAT is not reality. Reality is you had a child with a not very pleasant man, who has a rather nutso GF - those are the fact you have to deal with and find a way to make it work with the EX. IGNORE the GF.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2013): Leaving a child in wet clothes for a short period won't do them any real harm if it really was a one-off. If he's an inexperienced parent he might not have noticed that the clothes were wet or known how often he should be checking nappies or offering toilet trips. If he didn't have dry clothes with him and no money/time to buy more then he couldn't have changed your little boy's clothes.If, after this contact visit, you were very critical of him, his angry retort about not wanting to see his son again may have simply been a knee-jerk raection. I agree that it was a really horrible thing to say but people do say things that they don't mean in the heat of an argument which they later regret.I have been following your posts and if this whole sorry situation has really just arisen from one argument about wet clothes then maybe you are overreacting.... but I got the impression that there were other issues too. (As far as I remember his family had been quite verbally abusive to you as well and I wouldn't want my child around people who were always like this)If you REALLY are concerned that your son will be at risk of continued and sustained neglect if he has contact with your ex - then I think you should stand firm and deny all contact until this has been sorted out by the courts. No matter how much he moans or how much it costs - your child's safety has to come first.Bear in mind that if you do go down the court route and your ex gets regular visitation rights, these will be unsupervised visits if the only episode of neglect really was the wet trousers incident. There would have to be a much higher level of neglect.Supervised visits sound great but they really only work if they are supervised by a professional.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 November 2013):
 You always have to prepare an extra pair of outfit when you leave your son in someone's care. If the father didn't have the money to go outside and buy more clothing, or he's too preoccupied spending time with his girlfriend, it means he's not fit to be a father even for a short time. He doesn't see his son often and once he sees him there is trouble.
Your ex is afraid of his girlfriend and would rather neglect his son than upset her. He put her on the phone and blamed the problem on you so he doesn't have to deal with it. That new girlfriend is trash. I also believe she made him say he doesn't want to see his son ever again.
I don't think it would be wise to let him see his son without supervised visit. If he wants to arrange it then he has to pay for the court fees. If that girlfriend can threaten you she could also do other things to your kid. Better be safe than sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2013): We have Children's Protective Services here in the United States (the name varies from state to state). I'm sure you have something like that where you live, too. My son's father and I have some addiction issues and we both visit out son at Children's Services office twice a week. I have progressed up to two unsupervised visits as well and so can my ex husband if he continues to prove himself without messing up. This means your ex can progress u to unsupervised and that maybe they will have him go to parenting classes. As for the girl, tell her to never call you back and either a) block her number or b) save and lock it on your phone every time she calls and texts. Save all messages. Tell her that if she calls back, you will call the police. The only one of them who should be calling you is your ex and that should only be about your child. Why aren't YOU taking him to court to make sure that he has to have supervised visits? Wouldn't that move things along faster?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2013): I think it depends- how long was he left in wet clothes for? (its unacceptable however long but we need to know whether it was a mistake or full oin neglect?) Apart from this incident has there been anything else that has made you concerned for the child in his care? What was he like as a father when you were together? After he said he didn't want to see him did he choose not to see him or did you stop him from seeing your son?
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