A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I have been spilt for 3 years +...he has a new gf that they have a child together ....they do not get along that well at all but he won't leave her because of the child, or some other reason. we sleep together every week and the sex is passionate raw hot and emotional. I know he still cares i can read through his BS and its like clock work every week. we broke up because he thought i cheated while away and he was the one that did. He can't be alone and jumped into a relationship with this girl and we were still somewhat together. when i finally decided to make it work she was pregos and there it went 2 months past he spilt it off with her and we were together then a month after that he said he didn't love me anymore and loved her i called his BS again and two weeks later he told me the truth.... he still cared .... now as 3 years past like a said above we are together every week. he has told me that he told her when the spilt he is going back to me and she threw a fit....im not sure what to think of this and just wondering if anyone can shed some light on this situation for me......please? all of our friends say they see it in both our eyes what gives?
View related questions:
broke up, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 November 2010):
 The female anon rises interesting,intelligent points.
I guess it all boils down to our definition of what is "love ".
To me love- not infatuation , or desire for personal gratification at all costs,- is part and parcel with responsibility, and the capability of making choices. Even unconvenient choices.
Therefore, I fully agree with CaringGuy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): "If he loved you, then he would never have left."
Maybe, maybe not. This statement assumes that the guy has a high level of emotional intelligence and a sense of clarity in the face of difficult emotion-laden situations. Many people have neither. Some people can suffer greatly from ambivalence. People who have a great loss aversion or risk aversion, like this guy seems to, tend to not be able to make up their minds or are always second guessing their decisions. Thus I think the fact that the guy left, doesn't speak to whether he loves the girl or not but whether he is emotionally-intelligent enough to know what he truly wants and responsible or brave enough to do it.
"If he loved you, he wouldn't have had a child with this other woman. "
Not necessarily true. so many children are the result of 'accidents' . again, this statement assumes that the guy acted with clear decisive and steadfast intent. But what I see from the original post is a guy who is very wishy washy and weak willed. I wouldn't be surprised if the pregnancy was an accident or a 'decision' made without much thought for example due to pressure from the girlfriend. I don't think in this case that having the child with the girlfriend speaks much about his 'love' for the other girl, or not. I think it speaks more to the guy's own lack of self-knowledge and personal responsibility.
"If he loved you, he would have left this woman and their child to be with you. "
Given that leaving his child and the mother of his child to be with someone else would be looked upon by society with harsh judgment and disapproval, can you really blame him for NOT leaving the woman and child? Men are often too guilt ridden to leave relationships they really want to leave, if they have children, because leaving is seen as abandonment and makes them look very bad. Not to mention having to pay child support.
It is so much easier to have an affair in secret - if it's secret, then no one knows and thus they can get away with what they truly want (the other woman) and yet they don't have to make these hard decisions or life transitions that will bring societal disapproval on themselves. Having an affair allows them to get what their heart truly desires (the other woman), call it "love" if you will, while not having to take responsibility in facing the consequences of the mess they are in. it's human nature to take the path of least resistance.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): u don't want 2 get pregnant by him 'coz he'll dump u and deny u it won't be nice. He cares nothing for u, if he did he would not be cheating with u for three year he would have married u already if he swa a future with u. Stop it now while it's stillearly or u'll throw ur life away for a man who's moving on with his life and care nothing about u. Get out the get urself a good man who'll marry u & take care of u, who ants u and wants 2 spend the rest of his life with u.
ur ex wants nothing more than ur nookie 'coz that's all u are and always b 2 him, nothing more.Becareful he might even bring u diseases because u don't know what else he's doing when ur not around or his partner for that matter. Well u are beatiful actually u are gorgeous and there is a man out there waiting for u but u'er delaying ur blessings and ur life leave ur ex before ur man is taken by some1 else and u'll regret it 4 life.
i tell u girl Jesus will set u free when u're in trouble and don't know where 2 turn He's always there for u ready to react to our actions.Seek Jesus while He may be found. God bless you girlfriend.
...............................
A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave  +, writes (4 November 2010):
To avoid repetition, I agree with everything Caring Guy says.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 November 2010):
I wish sometimes that women wouldn't try to psychoanalyse men so much. I wish sometimes that they would instead look at the facts before them. Women are deeper creatures. You speak in hints, your actions are hints. With men, it's pretty much all there for you to see. If we come for sex, then that's all we want.
You're sitting there looking for love and affection from a man who is with another woman, has a child with this other woman and really doesn't care about anything other than the sex he's getting. For three years all you've done is had sex. He's made no attempt to try and get back with you. At all. The real BS here is that he claims he still loves you. Of course he will say that if that's what it takes to get you into bed. He will tell you whatever you want to hear.
You can try to look for deeper meaning all you like. But ultimately, he's cheating on his girlfriend and his child, and you're apart of that. When the music stops, you will look like a seriously evil woman in front of anyone who knows this woman and child. This is the sort of thing that will give you a very bad reputation.
If he loved you, then he would never have left. If he loved you, he wouldn't have had a child with this other woman. If he loved you, he would have left this woman and their child to be with you.
Instead, for 3 years he's been coming around for sex. And you've fallen for it.
Stop looking for deeper meaning in his actions. There is none. You're looking for things that aren't there. He could have left her any time in those three years. He didn't have to bring an innocent child into a world of lies. He's really a very cruel man who is using you, her and making a mockery of his own child.
Move on from him, or pay the price when this fails yet again.
...............................
|
