A
male
age
36-40,
*raig c
writes:Hello everyone! Ok so my ex an i broke up like a month and a half ago due to long distance, (she decided she didnt love me anymore). Anyways she was the love of my life and always made me feel good with comments about wanting my children and talking of marriage one day....ext. Then when she went home she cheated a bunch of times then dumped me.....begged me back...cheated again and dumped me once again. Well even after all of this i still love her and care for her. But now its only been a few months and she has been with 3 guys sexually already not counting cheats. Atfirst i thought it was a phase but now im worried. If she keeps this up i know where it will lead, and thats to her either getting preg, sick, or loosing friends gaining bad rep. But everytime i try 2 explain this 2 her she accuses me of calling her slutty. Its like yea and believe me people notice. But anyways were supposed to see each other in a month and by that time her # will be at 6 or 7 and it really grosses me out. Am i wrong 2 feel so?l
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broke up, long distance, my ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 September 2008):
 With all due respect, and out of my own personal experience here, sometimes the advice you don't want to hear is the right advice to give you. We wouldn't help anyone if we just whispered the sweet nothings they want to hear.
Since you have added some information, and, believe it or not, with the intention of helping YOU, poster, I can tell you this much. If you love her as a friend, it will be as a friend with benefits, since you intend to have sex with her but never go back to her even if she begged on her knees. If that is the case, I think she should worry about her reputation more than anyone else. If she doesn't care, why should you? By the way, your sleeping with her would contribute to that reputation. Maybe you can date her without sleeping with her? That way you would contribute to her good name.
A
male
reader, craig c +, writes (7 September 2008):
craig c is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk guys i didnt really have enough room to explain my self here....#1 i wasnt looking for a giant listing of insecurities but thanks anyways. #2 I'm not tring to be in a relationship with her, as a matter of fact even though i havnt said this to her in fear of loosing her as a friend, i could never, ever be with her again, not even if she got on her knees an begged. Because i would like to stay friends with her and possibly make new friends through her, but theres no way i could date someone knowing shes been with 3 outa 4 guys in the room were chillin in. Sodont think im not over her. I'm just worried that she is on a similar path of chicks hating her that she was on before. She is my best friend an im worried, and her current friends dont care enough to speak up. Listen i still love her as a friend and want to help her realize u can date without sex everytime. But how do i convince her its not my feelings sayin this? We still plan on sex though, make no mistake....she still ses im greater than all others.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2008): If the cap fits, wear it!
I don't think this girl is for you, unless you can completely forget about her infidelity and other habits. It's entirely up to her with who and with how many she sleeps with, just as you're free to do the same.
She's obviously not the slightest bit bothered about how you feel, so I'd recommend forgetting about her. It's just not going to work out.
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A
male
reader, gabosutton +, writes (7 September 2008):
 You are just hurting yourself, cause you low self-Esteem and jealousy. Stop it !! move on,... you deserve someone better she will be the same time and time again... answer yourself....... Low self-esteem meets the criteria for an illness or disease because you act or feel the following:Insecurity about who you are and lack of belief in yourselfInability to open yourself to others and inability to trust othersInability to make decisions because of confusion and fear of making a mistake or of disappointing othersAnxiety in the face of the need to change and the fear of changeProblems in establishing intimacy with others and problems in interpersonal relationshipsLack of objectivity and openness to a variety of alternatives in decision making, and a tendency to resort to "black and white'' judgmentsProblems in handling anger, either by denying its impact on one's life or by not being able to control it, thereby experiencing chronic hostilityChronically affected by the need for approval and acceptance by others; affected by the fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, and disapprovalExcessive use of masks to hide true feelings; the use of exaggeration and lies in order to avoid conflict or disagreementsInability to take direction from or to be controlled by others, rather to seek to control self and manage or direct othersChronic seeking out of others for whom one can feel responsibleInability to feel like one has done "good enough'' on the job or at home; a tendency to be a workaholicInability to say one deserves "good things'' in one's life; a tendency to always place self lastChronic sense of depression, discomfort, or inadequacyChronic sense of feeling different from others; keeping away and isolating oneself from othersInability to reward oneself for one's own goodness and accomplishmentsAddiction to novelty, challenge, differences, risks, thrillsAddictive or compulsive behavior. e.g., alcoholism, chemical dependency, food, gambling, sex, excitement, money, shopping, smokingBeing overly serious, unable to see humor in one's plight as a human beingAn overriding sense of guilt and inadequacyInability to forgive and to forget past harms and hurts from othersMeeting others with similar problems and matching up with them in relationshipsInability to let go of problems, such as fear, guilt, anger, or other negative aspects in one's lifeInability to tune into one's own feelings, but usually able to identify and to be sensitive to the feelings of othersInability to face one's problems and the need to change, a tendency to use denialOverreacting to things and acting impulsively, often getting oneself into problem situations which need lots of work to straighten outCan be meticulous, fastidious, over demanding, and perfectionistic; or can be slovenly, lackadaisical, and irresponsibleCan become frustrated when realizing the magnitude of problems and the immensity of effort required to solve themOften looks quite successful, happy, contents, healthy, and together to others; it comes as a shock to self and others that one actually has a problem and needs help
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (7 September 2008):
I think she's sleeping with other guys because she needs sex (quite naturally), isn't getting it from you (because of the distance) and the long-distance relationship is not for her. This kind of relationship takes a lot more than a traditional one.
This will continue to happen because she's not getting all she wants from the relationship. It will be like that until you two are together, or until you end it.
I don't think you will ever convince her of not sleeping with other guys. And, though you're right in what you say, it's still insulting, so your telling her once and again will make her angry, very reasonably.
You're not wrong for feeling bad about her activities. I guess you're wrong somewhere else. You want a relationship with someone who is not that committed to you. She ended the relationship and is sleeping with other guys. Why do you want to be with her, for starters? You deserve better.
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