A
male
age
41-50,
*etPumper
writes:Hi everyone , i'm dating a girl for about a year,just it's our actually fourth time that we r being together in past 6 years,not only that, we have a boy 5 years old.She constantly tells me in a last few months that she is in some kind of faze and that it would pass her and she wont see me sometimes for about a month,but we constantly talk on the phone for hours.Can anyone help me what to do with her because she were with other boys in the meantime and she sometimes dont answer my calls,she is so rude that i didnt know i have a son with her until the last year and i feel so worthless when i'm not seeing her say for a month,i wonder does she even care.I know this sounds weird but her father doesnt even know we r dating because he doesnt like me and she wont tell him beacause who knows what he is up to do about that. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, NetPumper +, writes (18 September 2008):
NetPumper is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to let u know that i'm now off with the mother of my son and that she teases me on sms how she would like to find somebody real...
A
male
reader, NetPumper +, writes (8 September 2008):
NetPumper is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI realized that it's the only way seeing my son regulary through legal counsel.I'm now starting with new job and i hope things will get better in time,now i will continue my with my life and try to keep in touch with my son through his mother.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008): Thank you for your follow up. You are an adult male who is a father. It's time to ensure you can be given the opportunity to parent a son, you care about. All children deserve to have not one, but "two" parents, who loves them and who would do anything for them. If you want to ensure this son remains a part of your life, then you will find a way. He deserves it. If you don't do this, then I will say, you haven't gotten there, yet. I think it takes great personal courage, to make this child your focus and responsibility , in spite of the circumstances that are standing in your way. It would be so much less hassle just to up and walk away I think a clear message has to be given to this grandfather and this mother, that you are not going to give up that easily. Realize the grandfather is thinking that he must protect them and act in their best interest. No matter what though, you need to make it your personal goal, to give your son a father...a good solid, responsible, mature Father. As staed before, the only way to ensure this happens, is for you to seek legal counsel and find out what your 'rights' are. Set out a proposal to this Mother, that you have weekly visitations with this boy, provided you help her financially with the costs of raising this child. Make sure you aren't on weed/alcohol/other drug and ensure you have a good paying job/career--just generally prove to her, her family, and the legal system that you are living a commendable good, quality life.
How, from your posting, I can see there still are some emotions felt for this Mother. She has clearly stated she is not 'sure about committing to you' fully. It's clear she is disconnecting from you and you should be doing the same. As I see it, she is taking her own path in life and it sounds like she's thinking you will not be a part of that. So now, the child is your primary focus. The choice as to whether you can participate in your little son's life, is not the decision of this girl's father. However, this Father sounds like a strong man, who needs reasuurances that his grandson is safe and happy when in your care. I know he wants to protect his daughter and grandson, so you have to work at taking a good positive life path, through hard work, career goals-to prove to this family, you can be a solid man with something to offer this boy.
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A
male
reader, NetPumper +, writes (8 September 2008):
NetPumper is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou got it right Irish49,all of it.My son is in her life,she is raising him,i'm seeing him sometimes and buying some toys but i think he doesnt know i'm his father.The problem is that i can't go to her place because of her father who how she tells me is the biggest problem between us.He doesnt want me to participate in that child's life and mostly not to be with his doughter in relationship.That's because before 6 years we were living together in Belgrade and he found out about that and that we were using marijunana as her sister told him he doesnt want to hear about me since then.I'm not paying any kind of child support and she tell's me that i'm just his biological father and that the real father could be anyone who would be with her,even a neighbour.I was really pissed of when she told me that so i tell my self often i can't do this anymore but i'm still talking to her.Thank u a lot for an advice and that's all i'm thinkig about right now.I could stay with her as she told me to,and that she will make things right but i'm afraid that she would sometime leave with another man and that i won't see my son 'cos i know that in that case she won't answer my calls.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2008): Let's see if I got this right. You and this female have been dating for a year; you and she have been off and on, 4 times, in the last 6 years; she has a child which is your son, aged 5 years old, who was conceived from a past time. You only found out about this son, last year. Now, she's dating you but she won't 'physically' see you for long periods of time but you both still converse on the phone. You say, sometimes she is rude to you. And you think she is dating other guys, behind your back. Usually, one's rude behavior is caused by a 'emotional disconnect' on one's part, so I can understand your concerns about her. You ask if she cares about you? Well, my answer is that..she doesn't appear to care. She's too busy with other distractions and her actions, are saying you are not a priority, here. I couldn't be any more blunter than that. I think you deserve to date someone who is giving and nice to you, all the time and is willing to share time with only you. Someone who will commit. And you need to find the self-love and confidence to walk away from this hurtful relationship.-, if you feel this much in despair. You will need patience and time, you will need to be kind to yourself in order to heal and recover. I am sorry, to me it really sounds like she's just not that into you. She wants to date and have her fun with other people. And she can do that if she chooses, but it's cruel to keep you hanging.Now, let's talk about your son. Is this child in her life? Is she raising him? If this child is being raised by her, are you both actively 'parenting and caring for' this child? How much are you involved? Does this boy know you are his Father? At 5, he's able to understand this and he should know. So your top priority should be: if this boy is in her life, I do suggest if at all possible, for the sake of your son, that you try your best to stay connected to him. You are ' his' parent. He has a right to have access to you and you have the right to have access to him. Have you thought about how this can be accomplished. Have you been paying this child's mother any form of child support? Are you being responsible for your son--seeing him regularily, spending time with him, bonding, caring and looking after him? I am not aware of the family/custody laws in your country, but one things for sure...you are his Father and he needs you, in 'his' life. You need to be a strong, caring Father and make it your goal to ensure that this happens. I would recommend you seek some legal counsel as to your rights to parent this child. I would also confirm this child is yours, through DNA testing if there are any doubts. Once the paternity is established, then find out from a lawyer what is required to take responsibility for this child, you created with her. It appears she is not caring for you properly in this relationship. Sit with her and tell her, how you feel. Tell her, you need to end this. I am betting she may want this, too. So be prepared to hear that, but at least you will know where you stand and you aren't being confused, lost, hurt and acting needy. You will regain your life balance back, once you know which way to go, instead of being in limbo like this. Remember, you are capable of being in a happy relationship with someone who respects you and puts you on top of their list. This girl's not doing that. If she truely loved you, as you want her too...she'd be by your side now and you a happy man. So the sooner you do this, the better. Doing this now, enables you to go and heal, recover and get on with malking your life a more positive meaningful existance for yourself. You son will love having a strong, happy Father in his life, believe me. Look after yourself, and take care.
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