A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Long time, I've searched for advice and help.I'm quite happy recently, i feel like I've found myself. I feel confident about everything. That its rare when i have a problem.However, that's not the point, i have run into a small problem in my life i need to fix. And i don't know how to. So, i met this friend a while back, we've been friends for 7 months. Until, i ended up having feelings.And i should have known better. My friend is set on this mind set, which i do not question at all. I understand.My friend, chooses to be single, but the problem is that to my friend it's a "forever." kind of deal, "i must be alone forever, cause i will never be good for anyone." Some kind of Fear of being a failure like the parent.I wish my friend could see beyond that, but i'm not one to force. I accepted, things could never happen.Since, then we've been up and down. It's been a roller coaster. Once in a while we fight, blame each other for pushing each other away. I try to side my feelings, As in i never brush the subject. Then my friend is saying something else to provoke me. So for the sake of not hurting each other more, we gave each other space, but only because it was hurting me too much. I made the choice. My friend didn't want that.I miss my friend though, as the weeks pass. But how can i come into terms with my feelings and be a friend?I want to not care, anymore. But i'm afraid i always do. I'm tired of myself and my heart saying something else. And although i'm human, i'm annoyed. Please help. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (23 July 2012):
Hi. You're very welcome.
It's also possible that although he says he just wants to be friends and not get seriously involved, he might at the same time be hoping that it will get to a point where he feels safe to give you his heart.
At the moment though, he is just treading water - until he's sure.
When people get hurt, it makes them very wary in future, because they don't want it to happen again.
So the next action will have to come from him, regarding taking it to the next level.
From now on though, let him set the pace.
That way, any decision made regarding whether to take it to the next level status of boyfriend and girlfriend, will have come from him.
Then there will be no pressure on him at all.
So be content with being his friend from now on, and let him lead the way.
Then you can't go wrong.
Don't even mention the "R" word (relationship), at all. It might make him scared of failure.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey there, thank you for your reply. Yeah, it is why i never really mentioned things to him anymore.Perhaps maybe he took things the wrong way, i was trying to never mention it again, and be his friend. Literally, but every time i tried to, he then approaches me with things like."i dreamed about you."When i'm trying really hard for us to just be chilled and cool about us just being friends, eventually i change the topic. But at times he seemed bother by my actions. When that's exactly what he wants for us to be friends. And i'm okay with it i just don't understand why he's going back and forth. He makes it hard for me to be his friend. But with the space given, i think i'll return as his friends one more time. Thank you for making sure to mention things, so i am more cautious of how approach him too. I appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (20 July 2012):
Hi there. The real question is - Why does he feel that he isn't good enough?
Perhaps he has been in relationships before, and had some disappointing breakups.
And now maybe, he is afraid of getting hurt - yet again.
And so he is balking at getting emotionally involved so seriously again.
The fear of another breakup and having a broken heart, is a great one.
It can be all encompassing, and can lead to a person not allowing anyone to get close to them - in case it all goes wrong.
This might be what is behind all this "pushing away" behaviour of his.
It's impossible to simply turn off your feelings for him, so maybe it could be better to not tell him outright, about how you DO feel about him.
And just remain friends and don't mention to him anything about a relationship, or even hint at it either.
So then there won't be any pressure on him to commit to you.
I am not saying that you are applying pressure, however you could in some ways without you even realizing it.
And also, you could start going out with your own friends and doing fun stuff, so that your life isn't just you and him and nothing else.
That way, you won't be thinking about him quite so much as you are now, and so you won't get so upset and disappointed.
It will widen your horizons, and give you other things to think about.
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