A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I know you're not supposed to rely on other people for happiness but I feel like finding that one guy who understands me and clicks with me will help me get out of the slump I've been in for the past years now. It's really hard being gay,closeted and hidden from the world. You feel suffocated in your own skin. But meeting someone that's totally in sync with you after being alone for so long; you tend to get attached. But I haven't found that person. I'm 18 and I've never had a first or have been in a relationship. But I guess that's my fault...they say for someone to love you, you have to love yourself first. Well I just can't find my way around it, I'm heavily flawed, there's a lot about myself I wish I could change but I can't. I hate a lot of things about myself. And from being depressed and alone for all these years, my biggest fear is that I'll just be alone forever and never find that special someone. No one could ever love me. That's such a depressing realization...and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I'm usually very good at putting on a mask, or a facade that I'm happy and everything's okay.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2012): You can always change and develop into better person. It is hard to change over night especially if you have been wired like that for years. Try to make improvements little by little be the person you want to become. Love yourself and love will catch up with you. You are young and meeting someone will eventually happen. I recommend hanging out with other people who are gay- so you feel comfortable and meet ppl with similar interests.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): Relationships with good and supportive people are central to mental and emotional well being. Humans are a social species after all.But the key is "relationshipS" not "one relationship with one person "You need to foster many healthy relationships that will help build your self esteem. You need a sense of community. This is not the same thing as latching onto ONE person in an intensely close relationship to the exclusion of all others. Yet when people with depression and other emotional problems latch onto one person (usually an intimate partner) they tend to dump all their issues on that one person and not try further to seek out and foster other healthy relationships to form community. That puts too much strain on the intimate partner that it destroys the relationship eventually. That's why it is said that you should not rely on others to feel ok. Therefore you should be seeking out not an intimate partner at this point but friendships with more than just one person. The desire to be understood by another is very strong in all of us. But this does not have to happen in the context of a romantic relationship. It can certainly and does often happen in platonic friendships. You form a brotherhood or sisterhood and that can be extremely powerful in bringing about healing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): I can say I absolutely feel as you do. Right at this very moment I am feeling lonely, and the thing that has helped me the most, is going for what I want. When I am feeling lonely and sad, nothing else helps than going up to an attractive stranger and starting up a conversation. Even telling them that you find them attractive.
What happens if you do that and only do it from the sense you are only trying to meet them, not try to get anything from them, they usually respond happily. Hopefully that will help boost your self image.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2012): Sadly, I dont have any real advice for you.
But I just wanted to say something that might make you feel slightly better, (at least that happened to me). You crave to meet someone who understands you and can relate to what is happening to you right now. You feel that no one out there could possibly have any clue of what you're going through, and how hard it is and how lonley you think you are.
Well.. I just want to point out something, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
How do I know this? is pretty simple. I have never, in my entire life. Related so much to someone, (and i don't even know you) Reading your post was like reading my story, what you said is precisely how I am feeling. Everything was so accurate that it was even scary..
I am in the exact same position that you are, I'm of your same gender and age. And I have exactly the same fears and worries than you do.
The bright side that I see in all of this is, that even though I don't know who you are, and we live thousands of miles apart. I now know, that somewhere out there, there is someone like me. I may never meet him, or talk to him, or anything at all. But he is.
And this proves to me something that people have been telling me but I have had a hard time believing. WE ARE NOT ALONE,
There has to be more guys in the world facing this issue. And all of this other stuff people has been telling me, must be truth to.
Things do get better, they have to.
Stay strong, and best wishes.
-Thanks for sharing "our" story.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2012): I agree with Aunty Susie. Change those qualities that you find least desirable about yourself. If you're overweight, start exercising and dieting. If you have acne, start treatment. If you don't have money for treatment, get a job. Do you live in a small town? If so, save up some money and consider moving to a larger city, where there is a larger population of gays. While I don't necessarily believe in moving as a means of solving your problems, it could offer you a solution to quite a few. If you feel held back by your current situation at home, then moving out could help give you your independence. Working can also give you that feeling if you don't already have a job. And...a larger city gives you the opportunity to find people just like you. I'm not gay myself, but I do have some gay friends who have told me that coming out of the closet has been their biggest achievement so far. Get out there buddy and get to work! Nothing in life is impossible. Things may be very difficult, but it's all doable. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (16 December 2012):
 Putting on a mask and pretending won't get you anything 'real' in life. Forget for the moment about finding 'someone' and find yourself first. Work on those things that you hate about yourself - don't be lazy! Then you might start to at least like yourself a little. When you fell like shite, you will only ever attract shite- so it is worth putting in the effort. Write down a list of the things that you hate about yourself, then write down how you want to be. If you really don't know how to achieve these qualities, ask for help. There is always help available - you've made the first move by posting here, so you are on your way forward already.
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A
female
reader, blow +, writes (16 December 2012):
 It sounds like you're really down on yourself!
Self-esteem is an extremely difficult issue to manage and I understand that the way you view yourself can impact the way you look at your potential for romance in the future.
I still have some issues with my self-esteem as well, and as much as you would love to believe that being in a relationship could possibly put a band-aid over your baggage, it can complicate things for you and your significant other as well.
You have to love yourself, and that's a huge step for people who struggle with their self-image, their essence.
So start slow, you should give yourself a reason to say "I like myself today." every day. Even if it's just a small gesture. Fiddle with your hair in the morning until you feel like it's something you can really appreciate. Or maybe pick out a really nice outfit that you actually enjoy wearing. Things like this are good- they boost your ego, they give you a reason to get out there and smile.
You can start materialistically like this, just small aesthetic things that make you happy. A pair of sunglasses, a nice pair of shoes, or an awesome t-shirt. Something that makes you feel comfortable in your own skin.
But then you do have to get down to the real reason why you think that you're not such a good person. Have you ever done anything so terrible that you should be upset with yourself? Not a lot of people have.
People ache like this, you're not alone. You shouldn't hide yourself from the world.
And the reason you have to love yourself is because it opens you up. You're more receptive to another person if you can accept yourself and realize that someone could love you ten times more, and give you that much more confidence.
Talk to a really good friend of yours, see if they might support you through this and maybe the two of you can come up with some confidence boosting exercises.
No human being deserves to feel like they cannot be loved. Because you can. You seem like a very intelligent and feeling young man, and those attributes are extremely likable.
I think if you could just give yourself a chance to open up and see one little thing every day, you might find someone out there who sees those little things in a big way and learns to love you because of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2012): I think that there is someone out there that WILL love you for you. I think that you should try and not worry about what others think of you. I say this but I too get caught up with how others think of me and I have to check myself from thinking like that. I just recently got put on a "break" for an unknown reason. It is hard to be alone. I do not know you but I genuinely do not want you to feel depressed. It is a horrible feeling and not something that I wish on anyone. Have you tried to go to counseling? I know that it has helped me with my MANY MANY issues. It can help you see things about yourself that you may not notice. It can also help you accept who you are and that we all have something special about ourselves. I often think about how easy we Americans have it compared to others in other countries, where they have no say, are killed for no particular reason and have no power. I say to myself, "It could always be a lot worse for me and even though I see that my problems or issues seem huge, there are people who have no food, no water, no shelter, no parents/siblings/family, no one or anything". Try to be strong! YOU HAVE TO STAY STRONG! Keep a positive attitude and mentality. You will be just fine, I promise you!
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