A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a guy who was a friend for a while and became a fwb about 6 years ago.We only would see eachother when not in relationships. I was fine and he was fine and although we have always been attracted to each other, our jobs are different and he has a job (teaching MMA) that grants him many female chasers. He is very good looking, built like a brick house, and can fight very well which I am going to just admit is very attractive. He thinks I'm hot but I hardly act like the little groupies that chase him with careers like "model" (self promoted and unheard of lol but list themselves as models on FB) or dancer or something along those lines. Most of them seem like trashy idiots and he says that he breaks up with them because they become crazy lunatics but he still dated them initially so I just figured my persona is not his type. I have known him 6 years. He has never been married and now is about 38 years old.Recently he tried to contact me but I had a boyfriend and had to inform him that while i could chat and get lunch or dinner as friends, there would be nothing else as I am NO CHEATER. My boyfriend and I split about a month ago and my friend started calling which is nothing new lol. We talked and we hung out one night about 2 weeks ago but only fooled around with no sex. SSince i had last seen him, I have changed jobs and do more artistic things as art is my true passion. He seemed to really love the "new me" or so he claimed. He was doing things that he never did before like hold my hand and cuddle and say that he never knew we could have so much chemisty (outside of the bedroom lol). Then he would call constantly and talk to me for hours and say he missed me.About 4 days ago, I spent the night at his place (he has a new place)We caved to our attraction and had sex(mind blowing for both of us and our best session yet ha ha). He held me and said very sweet things. (He has NOT said these things before nor has he said things about missing me) the next day he took me to dinner and showed me funny videos and held my hand in the car while i drove him to the gym he teaches at. He kissed me (not too much kissing but it was at his work so i understand that) and asked when my next days off are. I told him the weekend and he said he would be in touch.The next day he texted as normal and started mentioning he was very tired and didn't go into the gym he teaches at. I suggested some things to do to get better. The next day he sent only a couple texts about not feeling well. I said I was sorry that he felt bad and the next day I sent a funny video to cheer him up and he said "That made my day..lol Thank You" and I have not heard from him since. It is now the weekend and obviously he knows I'm off and obviously he isn't trying to talk to me or see me. He also has only sent texts since I last saw him when he was calling all the time before.My confusion is that if he had not said all this bull crap, I would have only looked at him like I did before as a FWB. Why on earth did he call constantly, talk to me for hours, tell me he missed me, tell me we are soooo compatable and that he is mad he never persued it before just to pull the FADE OUT. Obviously I must have done something to turn him off but racking my brain to figure it out is exhausting and what pisses me off is I wouldn't care he was fading away if he hadn't MADE me think he was so interested. I told him that I was feeling the same way in the phone conversations and then when to see him. I had a great time and .... now it is like the last two weeks were all a lie. My question is why do all this? It can't be to get sex as we had been down that road and already knew it would be good but he can get that any time he wants in his line of work. I just don't get it. Why build someone's hopes up like that when it isn't necessary.He seemed so genuine and sincere. We were laughing the whole time we spent together. He even said our sense of humor was the same. I'm just at a loss. I am feeling bad about myself and I know I shouldn't. I wish I wasn't so attracted to him. There are so few masculine guys left. I have not chased him or anything, only you all know how much it is bothering me lol I know chasing a guy is about the dumbest thing ever to do but it sure sucks to feel this way. I guess i'll hear about how stupid I was to listen to him but some people sure make it seem genuine and sincere.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI actually talke to him on FB. He apologized and said he wasn't over an ex and wanted to be over it so bad and liked me but since he wasn't over it, he was afraid he would hurt me more. I told him that he could have just said that and that I was over it so maybe we could just be friends. And that people is what it will be NO SEX lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAuntie EM
you are not being harsh at all. Actually his page is on my newsfeed so i just unsubscribed but didn't delete him as technically he doesn't owe me anything so i would look like i cared to much if i deleted him. Oddly enough, about 2 hours ago he apparently was on my page and clicked like on a few pics i posted today from junk I did this weekend with friends. I don't know what that is about. I will certainly not chase nor make him any kind of priority unless he makes me one first!! that prob ain't gonna happen though lol I'll just live my life and keep my options open to whoever shows genuine interest and stays in contact.
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (17 December 2012):
 If I were you I'd block his FB account so you won't be tempted to view it and analyse every little thing that he puts on there. Really it's obvious that it is consuming you and the only way to 'cure' yourself is to toss it out of your life and find other ways to find happiness.
I appear unsympathetic but really I am not. I have been in a similar situation to you, but mine lasted 6 years (6 years I won't get back), the guy was also a body builder and very attractive and we were having a sexual relationship.
I learned my lesson the hard way, so reading your situation, I feel I wanna be tough with you because I wished someone had been tough with me and brought me back to reality.
Don't make someone a priority, when they only see you as an option!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh and btw, his facebook has him posting about a class that went on today and for people to come out to it. I'm sure is fine lol I just messed up somewhere I guess. I wish I didn't like him but isn't that the way it always goes. You want the ones who end up ditching you and you can't stand the ones that worship you. LIFE BLOWS LOL
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the advice giver who thinks I didn't do enough while he claimed he was sick:
I told him that if I was there that I would make him soup and take care of him but since i had to work till the end of the week, I suggested things for him to do on his own. He knows I was off this weekend and could have sent a text or called. I sent him a video also while working during the week to cheer him up and all he said was "That made my day lol thanks" This is not a response of someone who wants futher texting. I showed care and concern. He could have texted that he wanted me to come over this weekend and take care of him like I said I could if I was there. Me continuing to send messages asking if he is ok and asking if he needs me when he isn't contacting me is just sad. I'm also not entirely convinced that he is sick. He still gets on facebook and posted a picture from his gym advertising gift certificates. I think that if someone sent me a video to cheer me up and I was interested in them, I would let them know when I was better and could hang out.
I think he definately lost interest for some reason but I just can't figure out what I did wrong. I can't go all girlfriend on him so fast and go over there baking him cookies to make him feel better in this early stage of things. It comes off as trying way to hard. He knows I'm interested.
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reader, Candid Cally +, writes (16 December 2012):
Could he be genuinely sick with the flu or something? I just think there is something else going on if someone who works out regularly doesn't make it to the gym because they feel tired or under the weather...that's usually a symptom that someone is sick or is coming down with something.
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reader, AuntyEm +, writes (16 December 2012):
Maybe he is still really sick and is not in the mood to contact you? If you were his girlfriend then he probably have gotten word to you but as you are just a FWB, then it's fair to say he doesn't have to keep you informed.
All the sweet talk etc is just that...talk. He hasn't asked you to be his girlfriend, so it's safe to say he doesn't see you this way.
Sadly you have fallen in love with him, which almost always happens to women in FWB situations and then the guy back peddles and the woman gets hurt.
I agree with OLDBAG, I think he just wants you to be in love with him, but doesn't wish to love you back.
Either be patient and keep the FWB, but try to be less attached emotionally or tell him things are over, give yourself time to recover and move on.
Good luck xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2012): OP, to be honest I think he did nothing wrong and YOU are the one who messed this up.
it's obvious that he is in love with you and was trying finally - after 6 years - to have a real relationship with you, i.e. being bf/gf not just FWB. His behaviors, words, etc.
Then he falls sick - so sick that he can't go into work. OF COURSE he's not going to 'pursue' you as much, BECAUSE HE IS HOME SICK. This was your chance to step up to the plate and treat him as a gf would when her bf is sick, i.e. visit him (hey it's not like you don't know where he lives since you've already spent the night), bring him some hot soup, sit with him while he's puking his guts out and reassure him he'll be feeling better soon, or offer to drive him to the doctor, check in on him every day to see how he's feeling....instead what did you do. You just acted like he wasn't sick and sat back expecting him to continue pursuing you with the same vigor as before.
Maybe that hurt his feelings which is why he hasn't called you recently. Or maybe it didn't hurt his feelings and he's still sick and not feeling well and you are messing up your own mind attributing his silence to lack of interest and insincerity when actually he's just feeling like crap cos he's sick. Give him a break!!!
I think he was genuine and sincere, but you were playing mind games and still treating him like a FWB. All this stuff about 'never pursue a guy' is crap if the guy is already genuinely interested in you and treating you well. It's call RECIPROCATING. if you expect him to always be pursuing you with you never pursuing back at all, you're sending him the message that you're not that interested in him except when it's convenient to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys. It was the answers I was expecting. He even bought a phone charger to talk to me when his phone kept dying ha ha ha. He has lived with girls before though but they always seemed like bimbos. He always left them eventually so he probably is crappy boyfriend material but of course he has to be hot, masculine, and the best guy in bed i have ever had....CRUEL UNIVERSE. I definately don't chase him, I simply eventually succumb to his chasing me but he sure said and did a lot of stuff this time that he never did before. I don't get it really. I could have done a FWB thing without emotion and this bad feeling I have now. He is the only guy I have ever done the FWB thing with so it was nice to have him around when he wasn't in a relationship. Then he went and made me feel like he cared for me more than I thought. Stupid Me. He will be back again. Maybe next week maybe next month, maybe next year but he has some serious explaining to do now as he unfortunately took us to the next level and no going back now so I guess I will have to tell him that it is either relationship with continued level of action and interest until he proves himself or regular friends (as in NO sex) lol
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reader, oldbag +, writes (16 December 2012):
 Hi
Its purely because you didn't chase him like the others,you were very blase about him,so in his head you were a challenge.He thinks he can lure you in and he does.Then, you become just like all the rest to him plus you got cosy with him too,you sent the video to cheer him up.
My guess is this man will always play around,doubt he will settle till late 40s if at all.He is either a FWB for you or nothing.If he was interested in dating you it would have happened by now as you've known each other so long.
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 December 2012):
 He just wants you to fall in love with him. With emotionally unavailable people, the colder you are with them, the more they try to lure you in. If you want to continue to have mind blowing sex with him, ignore him, treat him like a sex object. He would continue to say sweet things to you. Once you reciprocate his sweetness, you become common and low, it will make him want to be above you and thus withdraw from you. Relationships are for boring, ordinary people. With a cassanova type of guy, everything works in reverse for them. Keep yourself out of reach, he will try everything to win you. His ego will be bruised and he will need other girls, the type of girls who throw themselves at him to give him confidence again, but he will be back to you because he is in love with the challenge. You've done this for 6 years and you consciously know this is a game and not true affection. "Timing is not right," yeah nice line. His weakness is that he needs you to fall in love with him to feed his ego. Keep exploiting that and deny that kind of love. You know deep down he is not boyfriend material, so stop hoping that he becomes one.
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