A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi! I need some help with my situation. I was sexually abused by a family member growing up and now am very distrustful of men in general and sensitive to their motives. This has caused me to wreck just about every relationship I've ever been in. I know I tend to see problems were there are probably none. I met this guy a few months ago. He seemed really perfect. He was attractive. We hit it off and have a lot of fun together. He takes the time to plan dates around things that interest me. In truth, he swept me off my feet.....much more so than anyone ever has. Naturally, things progressed and the relationship recently became sexual.The sex is actually very good. He puts forth the effort to give me the stimulation I need to reach orgasm. The only thing that bothers me is he pulls his dick out at the end and does the porn star thing on my body. We discussed birth control beforehand, so he knows I'm on the pill. I am not naive and know men like to watch porn and do this type of thing. I just always thought that's the kind of thing you would do with a slut, but not someone you care about. It just seems out of character compared with the rest of the relationship. Now the only thing I can think about is that he's using me for his own sexual gratification. So here's my question....do guys do that with women they respect? Can that be a part of normal sexuality in a loving relationship or is it a clear sign he's using me? I would be fine with it if I knew where his head was at. Everything is great except this one little detail. I desperately don't want to ruin everything if I'm overreacting once again. Simply telling him to stop won't ease my mind about it. I can't ask him because I won't trust his answer. Is this a major red flag, or could this just be a normal part of sex for him? I really want to hear everyone's opinion.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2009): Thanks to all who replied. I posted the question originally. Your answers pretty much confirm that I am way off base again. I constantly sabotage my relationships. On one hand, I seek out male attention, yet I always feel they are out to harm me in some way when I find someone. I'm sure trust issues due to the abuse I suffered have a lot to do with that.
I did ask him and he said he just thinks it's hot to do that. He meant no harm. Past partners allowed him to do it, so he assumed I would too. Reading all your responses helped put my mind at ease. I think I will be ok as long as he brings me a towel after! Thank you everyone!
A
female
reader, love850 +, writes (10 January 2009):
Well honestly me and my boyfriend do this all the time. Yes I'm on the pill also but that still doesn't mean he should nut in you either. Birth control just helps you not to get pregnant not to continue getting nutted in and think its ok! But anywho if you don't like for him to nut on you ask him to put it in his hand when he pulls out. I don't think he's being disrespectful at all and people let's be serious people that do porn are just having sex its not like they made up anything its all natural and besides its just not! Stop being so petty before you run him off!
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (9 January 2009):
 Well, I'm one of the old geezers here and must admit that I was 60-years-old before I did anything like that, and it was at the lady's request. While I agree with the others that say he probably means no disrespect, I simply wonder why he always prefers to finish in such a fashion. There is nothing more sexually satisfying, in my opinion, than cumming in a warm place. You said that you won't "trust his answer" if you were to ask why he prefers the porn star method, but he is the only one who can answer for certain. In my opinion, you should ask anyway, which would at least give you an idea, and would let him know that it may not be your favorite thing. PS - I didn't much like it either, it made both me and the girlfriend sticky. LOL
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009): As others here have said, it would show in other areas of the relationship if he was using you. Sounds like you got a good man there. I would relax a little bit. Communication in the bedroom is a good thing if something he is doing makes you uncomfortable. It's the porn connection that makes women uncomfortable with that I think. In my experience, I can pull out on a woman's belly to avoid pregnancy and she's fine with it, but do it to satisfy a sexual desire and it's suddenly dirty or disrespectful. I'm not sure why that perception exists because few men have malicious intent by doing so. It's just a turn on like any other.You have nothing to worry about. Enjoy life and don't over analyze every little detail. Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (9 January 2009):
 Hey sweetness,
I really don't see this as a red flag at all. In fact there was recently someone asking a question about the fact that she found it super disrespectful that her fella would cum inside of her because she hated the "drip out".
I really don't think that this guy is trying to disrespect you or offend you. If it does, I would let him know that you don't like finishing like that. My fella does it to me all the time and I know he respects the bejesus out of me and loves me until the cows come home. I really don't think it's an indication of him using you. If he was using you, he'd be a rotten bastard everywhere else in your relationship.
Let him know you don't like it! I'm sure he'll be willing to adjust his routine!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009): Speaking as a guy, I think you are blowing this out of porportion. It sounds like he is really into you. A guy isn't going to put in the effort to please you socially, emotionally, sexually, etc., like this one apparently has, if all he wants is to bust a nut on your tits. He could pick up a drunk chick in a bar for that.Most men find what you are experiencing a turn on. Yes, we often love doing such things to the partners we care about. If he respects you in life, then he respects you in the bedroom as well. I wouldn't worry so much about it. You know if the relationship is solid or not. I would almost guarantee he does not intend it to be a disrespectful act. Yes, a guy can care about you and still want to do kinky things to you. That's normal. If that doesn't ease your mind, then talk to him about it. Seems silly to throw away an otherwise good relationship over something trivial that you both are perceiving in a different light.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (9 January 2009):
 I think people vary on what they find disrespectful. For instance I find that getting on my knees and giving a blow job while he is standing up is disrespectful to me and makes me feel slutty, not everyone thinks so. I agree with you that what he is doing is disrespectful, but he may not be doing it intentionally. Maybe it is what he is used to? Also I think guys don't always do everything sexually in the most romantic way. Why not tell him it makes you uncomfortable and that you are on the pill so there is no need to do this? See what he says. This way you won't have to ask him why he does it, he should just tell you.
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