A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Good Morning I am a 28yr old female. I have been married once before and was cheated on in my last marriage. I also have been cheated on in all of my past relationships. I have been with my current man for 2 years and we just recently got engaged so here is my dilemma:Basically my Fiance and I have been having some issues lately. After he proposed on Christmas I found out that he had been in contact and met with an ex girlfriend who had just came back in town. Brief history of the ex: They were together 3 months when she was 16 and he was 23, but were not allowed to be together and she was shipped away to a girls home. She is now 24 and he is 31. She is in a lot of trouble right now facing 3 felonies, lost custody of 1 child, and is strung out on cocaine. They had last been in contact about 4 years ago and that ruined his last marriage, but he hasn't seen her in 8 years...until now. Anyways, He hid it from me and I found out by snooping (I know bad me) anyways when I confronted him he told me about it so I asked him to tell me everything. I made him call her while I listened in and I heard her saying how she told someone he came to see her, which he had not told me that! He says that he went to meet with her to see how she was doing even though they had already talked about it online and to make her understand that he was in a relationship and he was happy. He told me that she had ruined his last relationship and didn't want her to ruin this one. I found out later that even though he says he told her not to have contact that they had been texting each other almost daily, with texts originating from him as well (which he at first denied even though it was in black and white), and that they were friends on Yahoo Messenger. I told him that even though he says his intentions were true that he broke my trust for hiding something he claims wasn't a big deal. He says that he did not cheat with her and they only talked (During the phone conversation she did mention how he came to see her for only about 30 minutes). I asked her about the relationship as well and she said nothing happened and she would never come between us.Last night we sat down and really talked, in this new conversation I kept a straight face showed no emotion and just listened. He told me that he was hurt because he felt like I didn't love him any more, he felt that he was unattractive to me because he had gained weight, he admitted he went to see her because he knew she liked him and he wanted to feel that someone was attracted to him. I kept pushing him for more and he cried the whole time he was talking to me, but he stuck to his guns that he did not cheat and that he never had any intentions of cheating. He said that our relationship had become stale and he just wanted to get back to the way it was. He asked to talk about me and I told him we'd talk when he was done I said I have things to tell him to so I kept pushing him and he stated that he still had feelings for her that were never resolved because their relationship was forced apart. I asked him did he want to be with her and he said yes. After he finished all this I finally told him my side of the story: I told him that I have always loved him and that I always was attracted to him. I told him that his gaining weight never bothered me and that the only reason I pushed him away and pulled back was that I was scared. I was angry with myself because I know that I have been hurt in the past and I realized it was being taken out on him so I figured if I just backed off that it would be easier. I had no idea that me backing off would make him feel like I didn't love him, I still told him everyday.Anyways, after I confessed all that to him we both cried and he asked me did I still want to be with him. I told him it didn't matter because he wanted her and it was too late. He said it wasn't too late and he confessed that he just told me that because he was hurt, he said that my demeanor with the straight face had him feeling that I didn't care and that what he felt was true. He says he felt that I was going to tell him that I was cheating on him. Also he confessed that the whole reason he hid his contact with her from me was that he wanted to make me think that something was going on he was hoping I would either show him more love or tell him the truth. He says that he never really wanted to be with her and wasn't going to be and now that he knew the truth about how I feel he really wants to be with me and still marry me. Do you think he is being sincere? Can I trust that he is telling the truth and that he didn't cheat and wants to really be with me? He has never given me reason to doubt him before and he is a really good man. He's told me numerous times that he is not a cheater and that he had been cheated on in all of his past relationships as well. We have been together 2 years and I know this is devastating for both of us. Everything was good up until now. I mean we had our normal couple spats, but nothing major and I was not aware how unhappy he had been for the past 8 months (he says he loved being around me, but like I mentioned that he didn't feel loved). Now I don't know what to do because I am unhappy and cannot stop crying over this. Thank you so much for all your help.
View related questions:
christmas, engaged, ex girlfriend, fiance, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2009): You should wait with the marraige, you need to sort out your problems. You should think what attracted you to this guy? Maybe he has the same traits as all of your cheating ex' have? Maybe you have not done relationship inventories?
You should take a really hard look at your life, your present situation and identify unhealthy patterns in your life. Go to counselling if it helps you to learn more about yourself. Think if this relationhsip is mature enough to last a lifetime, what are the positives and negatives about your engagement and the guy??
Look at yourself and you'll get an answer.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009): You can let this intrustion into your relationship break it or you can see it as a test. Something that came between you but did not ruin what you have. You have many plus signs in that you can communicate and talk - many couples are unable to do this. If he means what he says and wants to be with you then he must cut all contact with this person. You should have access to his phone, email etc if this will build trust back up. You must both try and demonstrate how much you mean to one another. He did not tell you things but has explained why. Work out a plan of how you move forward together.
...............................
A
female
reader, Nimmie  +, writes (9 January 2009):
I think that every couple have their bad times and this is one for you. From what you have said the man just feels a bit abandoned and needs a bit of TLC and so do you. You are so scared that you past will repeat itself that subcounsiously your sabotaging it. Dont worry because this sounds like a man that loves you very much and you him maybe you two need to talk about what the other can do to make thinks better. You should talk to him again in a positive manner because this is something that can be fixed and when you are both happy im sure his ex will just disappear naturally. Goodluck I hope you are very happy together
...............................
A
male
reader, Peterk5699 +, writes (9 January 2009):
 I think for now you should put the marriage on hold and get things sorted out and the trust back up. Keep telling him the truth that you do love him and in time things will start falling back into place. Trust is a hard thing to give back once it's gone but it can be done.
Give it some time and hopefully you'll live happily ever after.
Good luck!!
...............................
|
