A
female
age
30-35,
*ndeulea
writes:Alright. I've never really been one to make my personal problems public (even on the 'Net), but I'm really at the end of my rope, here. Maybe it'll be better, asking it with this Internet sort of animosity, but I really feel like I need another's opinion on this before doing anything major.My partner and I have been together for just under two years, now. I'm pretty much a realist; I never expected the initial puppy love to last forever. But I think it's safe to say that we were working really well together, regardless. Within the past four months, however, I've noticed things take a pretty forward nosedive. At first, I just tried to figure out what had happened. Had something occurred with his friends, or at work, or deeper within his own family that he just hadn't told me? I mean, there's no excuse for a really healthy relationship to suddenly turn into nothing but an emotional train wreck, right? Still, he was always adamant that nothing was wrong. I asked others that are close to him, his parents and our good friends, and even they told me that he's been a little off. Firstly, it's almost like he's been refusing to use common sense. I prize intelligence, so, I thought I was just being biased with my opinion on how he responded to things, in the beginning. But, I know that not everyone knows everything, so I would just point it out and help him so we could move on, in the beginning. As things got worse overall, so did this. Now, I can't even have a conversation with him without him jumping to the conclusion that there's always some hidden, manipulative twist to everything that comes out of my mouth. And not only will he sit there and argue with me about what I had 'really meant,' he'll drag anyone else who's nearby into our problems, usually asking one of his less-closer friends what they thought of my words after he incorrectly tones them or paraphrases it. I thought he was just being childish, and got frustrated. I know that that wasn't the best response, because that just made me an emotional 'psycho' (which he felt necessary to call me, later), but I just couldn't understand how he could continuously act as though I was out to get him for something. What I think has been bothering me even more though, is that he's breaking his word to me more frequently. He's always had to have been reminded on small, to-be-cared-less-of things like dishes and whatnot. Who doesn't? But whenever I ask him for help with a project (we're both in college), he'll always end up having spontaneously ended up with friends and lost track of time. More and more times until it seriously is every time. And it's not just when I want his help now, but also when I just want to hang out period, and in more frequency, even when I just want to /talk/ to him. When I finally do get the chance to be with him or speak to him, at least half of our conversations are immediately led to, or gradually led to, 'Can we have sex, tonight?' And if I don't give in, the rest of our 'conversation' becomes little drops of guilt trips because I want to actually speak to him (which, on most occasions now, can be pretty far apart in time). And when I try to address how he's been acting lately, it's just even worse. I'll stay calm for the longest times (and longer and longer each time), but if I so much as change my tone I'm suddenly the one that's 'off' my 'rocker.' That was up to before this past week. Now, I can't even bring it up without it immediately turning into, 'Love . . . I'm sick of fighting. I'm literally scared to talk with you. So, please just stop. I just want us to work. (His words).' This isn't a /major/ difference from before; when I would get a good mixture of myself being the emotional wreck and the him being the 'good one in the relationship,' but now he really is just making me feel like the crazy one. As if everything is always my fault, because I don't like it when he doesn't keep his promises, or because I want to have an actual conversation for the first time in months. One of my colleagues and old friends lives in Romania. From the country, and neither of us being totally fluent in each others' native languages, we usually only speak to each other over the phone in broken Deutsch. I have more frequent, more meaningful conversations with her than I do my partner. I'm really just exhausted, now. What am I doing wrong, here? Can our relationship be saved? Or should I end it, before it gets even worse? Every time we speak to one another I feel like the past two years have been wasted, and that itself makes me feel horrible. But what should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): Hi. I agree with the other poster,it sounds like you both need some space from eachother. Also,and please dont be offended by this,your post reads a bit one sided,as if you have done nothing wrong,but you must have a part if things are breaking down? I have been in this situaion and having space helped me to look at what part i played in my relationship. It also made me understand my bf more. This relationship is totally salvagable you just need to do the right thing. Leave the subject be,he doesnt want to talk about it so back off. Do your own thing and give him some space and you have some too. You'l probably find that you get some clarity.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (4 June 2011):
Hi there. Perhaps you both need a break from each other for a while.
Things are definitely not going too smoothly, are they?
You are both in college, so you are pretty full-on with study and projects to complete.
It all seems like bad timing. A relationship and study.
It could be that he is deciding where he wants to go with his college education, and if he is still enjoying it or not.
When you are both going to college, you have a lot on your plates anyway, so problems of any sort in a relationship could negatively affect your college education.
Maybe that's the problem.
Problems at home will always affect things like work or education, because it's a distraction.
I realize you want to know what's really going on, but it's not the best idea to keep on pursing the answer by talking about it all the time. It seems to be counter productive, doesn't it? It serves no real purpose.
Instead, just forget about all the tension between you and try to just enjoy his company. Ask him about his day - keep it light and friendly. Don't talk about what's bugging him at all. Just don't go there.
If you stop bringing up the same subject every time you see each other, and try to have fun together, you will find that things will improve dramatically - as well as quickly.
It seems like every time he comes to see you, he is dreading that you are going to keep on asking - "What's wrong with you lately, you're not yourself." A bit like a broken record, so he feels like he can't relax around you anymore.
So then he asks you for sex - to break the monotony for him, and you don't have to talk then for a while.
It's also possible, that you perceive there to be a problem when in fact there isn't one at all. It happens.
Men often keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves and just don't share them at all. Then when they go all quiet, us women assume that something's wrong. Do you understand that?
Understandably, this can cause some concern for women when their partner says - "There's nothing wrong. Nothing at all."
Then you keep on asking and asking, so eventually he does get angry with you. This is also very common between men and women. We just don't communicate in the same way.
Women like to talk and share, with other women. Men are like clams. They just close up.
It doesn't mean there's anything wrong, but more that they don't see a need to share something with you that they consider unimportant - or not really worth sharing.
I'm afraid it's the nature of the beast, that's all. And it's perfectly normal.
Don't worry too much about it. Everything's probably perfectly fine, it's just that you think there must be something wrong - because he won't share his thoughts and feelings openly with you. And he believes there is no problem whatsoever, except that you keep wanting to know what's on his mind - and that does annoy him a lot.
So as a result of this, he feels he can never escape it.
So there's the problem. You want to talk about everything - and he doesn't. It doesn't mean he has a problem, but more that he keeps his thoughts to himself, and it's as simple as that.
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