A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I'm 23 years old (f) suffering with anxiety and bipolar. In my childhood and teenage years, I suffered from emotional and physical abuse, and it's affecting my relationships with people right now. My dad was one of the people who made me feel like crap, until now, I always remember how he abused me. When I was 18 I moved out and havent talked to any of my parents. I do feel a sense of loneliness, but I had the strength to finish my college and get a successful job, my aunt helped me financially to pay for my college, she tried to convince me to talk back to my parents and be in touch with them, I did, but I barely talk to them (once in a month only). Through those years, I was diagnosed with mental illnesses, I am on medications, but the process is very hard and slow. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, we've been through ups and downs, but my anxiety is always making me feel like crap, or suspicious about him cheating on me, or him not caring about me etc.. I have 0 trust on men right now, those are all left overs from my abuse, I know that, but I can't get over it. Everytime I am in a relationship, I end up breaking up with him because of trust issues, or him not understanding how I feel. My current guy sometimes tells me I'm over reacting, and it's driving me crazy if I'm really over reacting or him not understanding how I feel. He always listens to my problems, we do love each others, but sometimes I feel like breaking up with him because I can't stand myself being nervous or anxious about him cheating on me or not. He knows that I have anxiety, and he tells me that all those problems are because of my excessive worry. He's very hurt because of my behavior, sometimes it just feels that I'm being manipulated by him, I know its not true, but my mind can't stop thinking negatively. Should we both take some space from each other? Every relationship I am in ends the same way. i don't know what to do anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2018): You shouldn't really feel totally alone, it seems there is a universal-consensus among women feeling insecure that their male-partners are cheating (or likely to cheat) on them. Be it with porn, or with another woman. Cheating gets so much publicity and focus, that people don't know how to see the total picture of how a relationship is supposed to work, how it is to be conducted; and/or how one is properly maintained. Look for faults, and you'll find them!
Just by coming together it doesn't just happen; you both have to put equivalent-effort behind it.
I concede that the concerns of women have merit in this area; because society sets a double-standard. We have a social-leaning towards selfishness and an unbridled sense of entitlement. People start families and live together for years without committing to marriage. It's okay for men to be sexually-experimental and promiscuous, but not women.
The lines are blurred on morals and values. Boundaries barely exist in relationships. It all gets blamed on males; but many women don't have a clue! Nobody seems to know what they're supposed to do or feel in a relationship. Everything in a relationship is not designed for the benefit of the self-esteem and happiness of women. That's a goal. Men were not created solely for the purpose of making women feel good about themselves. Where does some personal-responsibility and love for yourself come into play? That's what adulthood and maturity demands of both genders!
It takes at least two to make a relationship; and both parties deserve the same considerations, respect, and benefits. On equal-terms! Lopsided-relationships never work.
You don't go into a relationship expecting more from your partner than you can give-back. If you have little to offer to enrich and nurture the relationship; you can't expect a truckload of benefits for nothing. The popular notion seems to be: "Commit to me, love me, hold me, kiss me; constantly tell me that you love me; but I don't trust you!" Excuse me?!! How the hell does that make any sense??? Neediness is not a synonym for love. Love is very complex, good, and challenging. It's too often played-around with, taken for granted, and abused.
If he comes into a relationship with full-knowledge of your challenges and knowing you are committed to dealing with your anxiety-issues, and you're doing your best; he owes it to you to be patient, caring, and understanding. You owe him no less. If he went in with his eyes open; he should see things for what they are, not take a risky bet on your mental-health to suddenly correct itself. Then blame it all on you, if things don't work-out!
Your mental-disorders don't get you a special-pass to break his spirit, hurt his feelings, and keep him on a hamster-wheel constantly running in-place; trying to earn your trust. He also has a right to honestly express his dissatisfaction about the relationship. Not feed your ego, or only tell you what you want to hear.
Maybe you might feel you have some right to be the one to dump guys one after another, after you draw him into your life; but when does it stop? No-one deserves to be treated that way. Don't take-on demands of a relationship until your therapist tells you your health can handle the strain and stress a relationship can place on you. It takes a lot of hard-work and determination to function, and to reach your healing. You have a moral-responsibility to bring joy and peace to someone offering you love, kindness, and devotion. They deserve no less, and nor do you!
The dysfunctional or divided-family runs rampant in almost all cultures. Many women have no model or example to go by; except ridiculous romance novels, movies, soap operas; or social-media-created idealistic templates, or illustrations that defy logic and reality. People can't live up to them; because they are not real human-behavior, they are based on fantasy. Men have no positive-male role-models, and seem to be considered studly and virile to treat precious women like sh*t! We all know right from wrong, so that's the premise we all should build on. Treat others as you want to be treated. Regardless how much your family-life sucked! With special exceptions to the abused and seriously-traumatized, who must get professional-help first!
Your mental-health has to be well-managed, persistently/consistently maintained, and healthy in order to conduct a successful and thriving adult romantic-relationship.
No, I'm sorry; but you can't expect someone who hasn't gone through what you've gone through to fully understand the causes and history behind your behavior. By the same token, nor should you expect someone who doesn't suffer what you do to cater to; and walk on eggshells around your insecurities and suspicions. Neither do they have to tolerate insulting or unsubstantiated accusations about doing things they haven't done. A good person does not deserve that. In-time, that will also start to have adverse-effects on their self-esteem and their own mental-health. Resulting in a collapse in the relationship; and now you have two damaged and unhealthy-people.
A
male
reader, Sam Wilson +, writes (23 April 2018):
 Dear OP Im sorry to hear about your problem. I know that everyone of us has a unique set of problems, and that I cant even understand the anxiety you may be feeling right now. But please trust me when I say that you have to let life take its course, feel free and just believe that the world is trying to help you. You have to let yourself be happy and have faith, stop poking holes in things that maybe out of your control. Try and enjoy your moments with this guy.I know that relationships are complicated but try to see it in a way that justifies both parties,and trust that your partner really does care for you.I can relate to your problems personally as I have a Long Distance Girlfriend, everyday used to kill me, knowing that tons of guys were hitting on her made me paranoid that she may not love me anymore. It took over.it made me insecure,and it shook my career. But eventually we will all learn to find something that will help us see things through.I had swimming lessons for instance. And I sucked, apparently the stress and paranoia translated in my body movement and prevented me from floating. I had to learn to let go, relax and let life take wheel only then did I learn to float.Its hard to change, its especially hard to change ones mind. But sometimes it helps to clear your mind and focus on the simple things, list the things that you can affect and try and change it one at a time. Try and drop all other worries about your parents, about your partner, and try and just enjoy the ride and believe that life is heading you someplace better. Take a look around at your life and what you built and accomplish, notice how far youve gone, nothing is ever meaningless.Every relationship prepares you for something bigger till we get to the one weve been looking for. You always have to believe theres something better after.Take Care and Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 April 2018):
 I think it's impossible for others to quite understand how you feel (especially if they NEVER went through anything like you did). They can emphasize, support but not truly understand.
And a partner doesn't HAVE to understand all the nitty gritty of your inner workings to love you and care for you.
I think you should focus on your mental health as much as you can. There isn't a CURE for having been abused as a child but there is a way of learning to BE in control. To go from victim to survivor.
Medicine doesn't cure anxiety or depression. It just helps stabilize your emotions a bit while you try and navigate getting yourself focused.
Maybe you can talk to your therapist about group therapy. So you can TALK to others who have BEEN through something like what you went through.
I would suggest (again talk to your therapist about this)that you start adding exercise to your daily routine. Even better if it's something you can do with your partner. Personally, I think exercise works a million times better than any meds when it comes to mood-swings and trying to BE in control of your thoughts.
Should you take space from your BF? That really depends on a few things.
Is he adding POSITIVELY to your life? Are you adding POSITIVELY to his?
Does your relationship revolve around your mental issues or the TWO of you? As in, are there 3 "people" in your relationship, him, you and YOUR mental issues and baggage?
Does he still support you even though he doesn't fully understand what you went through?
Do you work on NOT blaming him for what your father did to you? Because you CAN NOT presume that ALL MEN will do XYZ because ONE man did so.
Are you thin king of breaking up with him because you fear HE will break up with you?
If BEING with him (or any guy) makes you anxious and nervous - then MAYBE you are better off taking time off from dating ANYONE. TO work on YOURSELF (not both yourself and a relationship). AS LONG as you KEEP working on yourself.
Bad thing happen. They can MAKE you stronger or they can take over your life. You pick which route you want to take. And then you FIND ways to STAY on the chosen route.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2018): I myself am in love and have two children with a woman,that sounds as as if you were her just by the words you type.Its good that you realize that you have some dark clouds within.I as well have my own just like she does and every other person on this planet.But from my experience,if you want your love too stay,be honest and not afraid too let your other half just you feelabout every little cookie crumb you have.I wish my sweetheart would be honest with me.She too has been hurt and i myself know in my heartthat its affecting our lifes in harmfull ways because she will not open up and BE HONEST.....Im sorry for not being a very good writer ....Its very strange though,You could be her but in reallity,I know that you are notGood luck and I doo really wish the best
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