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anonymous
writes: Hi there, please help me.I was with my ex for nearly three years and have been with my current bf for just over a year. Obvious then that I really do have feelings for him.However, I am still in contact with my ex which my bf knows about and see him every couple of months. I know it seems silly but I still have feeling for my ex and no matter what I cant forget him. I think I want him back but dont want to risk telling him how I feel in case he rejects me. While we are both at uni I don't know if our relationship would be strong enough at fisrt after so long. I need to know how he feels.What should I do?
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reader, pops +, writes (17 June 2005):
Look. Its normal to have feelings for the people with whom you have had serious relationships. Hopefully, lust was part of it. That doesn't stop just because you break up for other, valid reasons. You need to focus on the reasons you broke up with your Ex, and learn from them. Give your current BF a break. Sit down alone, and list the things your Ex gave you that you are not getting from BF. Then list the things BF gives you that you didn't get from Ex. Make a third list that honestly lists the things you want out of a relationship, and from your partner. Next to each item, list what you are willing to do for or to your partner in exchange for each thing on the list. Love requires give and take, and you owe your current BF the respect to treat him well. He is aware of Ex, but stays with you anyway. Do you know how many BFs would drop you like a hot potatoe if they knew your were still lusting after an Ex?? Get your mind set right to be in a serious relationship. When you see your BF, do you smile, and want to ask him, before all else, " How may I Pleasure you?" With other acquaintences, you ask, how may I please you, but with that significant other, you should be thinking, and asking, " How may I pleasure you?" And I mean all the time! And you should have some idea of what he is going to answer and have a couple of new suggestions to whisper to him in response ! This process will help you focus on what you have and forget what you had. You also need to expect to train new lovers to be as good, and better than your last one. Each person brings some new items to the plate, and it is up to you to suggest trying something that you found out from your past love(s) pleased you, and training him about what turns you on. You should talk to your new BF about what you like, and if he asks, tell him frankly that these are the kinds of things that your Ex did for you. He knows you are no virgin, and we can all learn. Make sure you ask what he likes, dislikes, what he has done, and what he would like to try, but has not had the courage to approach a lover about. This kind of discussion should occur periodically throughout a relationship. It keeps the fires fresh, and recognizes that people's interest in sex changes as they age, and gain experience. I have a friend who only had straight sex with her first husband, and refused oral sex. He left her for a woman who gave head. Her next husband was not successful in getting he into oral sex, although she made some progress. After him, she met a friend from high school, and after getting drunk, started talking to her about sex. Seems the friend was an expert at giving head. She talked a drunk at the bar into taking the two women home, and she showed my friend how to lick and such a cock. My friend told me about her successes, and her courage to try it with husband #3. She got very good at it, but he didn't like giving her head. So that marriage ended. With #4, she tried anal sex for the first time, and liked it. He was abusive, and inattentive, and a gambler who cost her most of her savings before that one ended. When she started dating #5, she asked me how to tell a man to fuck her in the ass? I asked her if they ever just talked about sex, and she said, "no." I laughed, and suggested that after her track record with men, I would think that she would make conversation the highest priority before jumping into the sack. I asked if she had any idea how he felt about anal sex- had she rimmed him, or rubbed his anus during oral sex, etc. I recommended she talk to him, but then asked if during lovemaking, was she ever on top? She laughed and said, " Yes." I told her that since being on top required her to take his penis in hand and guide it into her vagina, she had the opportunity to place his penis anywhere she wanted it to go ! She laughed at the imagery, and I hastened to tell her that I thought talking about it with him was the better way to go. The second way might just cause him to have a stroke or heart attack!
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reader, helpfull girl +, writes (17 June 2005):
Tell him you really need to. I've just got out of that situation! I was with my ex feller 4 2 years, then we broke up&i met some one else couldnt stop thinking of my ex fella&imagined my new 1 was my ex every time we kissed,or touched.I felt horrible in side so i finished with my new fella&Confessed all 2 my ex, obviously he didnt want 2 know at first but after staying friends 4 a while! It seemed he missed the thing's we had as a couple b4, so we started fresh! And we are now more in love than we was in the start and im pregnant with his baby! So you & ex feller cud end up like me! HAPPY! You need 2 tell him he can say no or say yes you wont find out till u tell him! If you really love your ex feller it wont matter bout loseing the 1 ur with. HOPE I HELPED YOU!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2005): i think that you need to be honest with yourself and with your current boyfriend, obviously you are not in love with your boyfriend if you still have feelings for your ex! i think that you may need to be by yourself for a while to figure out what it is you really want, you may have to remind yourself on the reasons why you split with your ex in the first place and what the reasons were for you to find somebody else so quickly? rebound maybe? do you even know how your ex feels about you now? have you even considered your current boyfriend feelings if he knew the truth? if you are prepared to take the risk in losing your boyfriend for the sake of your ex then it would be fair all round to end your relationship with your boyfriend if you really cared for him, obviously your feelings are strong for your ex so maybe telling him how you feel maybe be the best option, then you will know where you both stand, if your ex doesnt feel the same way about you then it would be best for you to move on.
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