A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 24 and fed up of boys wanting one thing from me .. It isn't like I have sex 1st date .. I do make them wait till at least 4-5th date but it always ends up just sex. I was dating this guy which I went on 6 date with .. The 5th date we did have sex.. We started meeting up twice a week and started to kind of like him but now we have had sex he's been putting off meeting up.. It had been three weeks since we last met and yes we was still txting but now he has said he doesn't want anything serious and rather we just become 'fuck buddies' ...and then adds we can meet just when we are both horny and if I meet someone I'll let u know ... This isn't the 1st time as before this boy there was one where I met in a night out went on a date.. Kept meeting up and turned around and said 'I thought this was just friends with benefits nothing more' Why does this keep happening .. It hurts all boys want from me is just my body not me ... Please can anyone suggest anything
View related questions:
friend with benefits, horny Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2015): There is a process in dating, where you have to weed through your prospects and suitors. Kiss a few frogs. Sex is on most guy's minds!!! Women too! You happen to be in the age-group under 25; when hormones are in fever-pitch for both males and females.
You're dating, and sex comes with the territory. That's what you have to deal with, and you have to have a more positive-attitude before you become cynical; and conceited about yourself. Yes, conceited! Sometimes, guys discover there really isn't much else about a girl to grab his interest. So, he goes for the one thing. Sex!
A bore-of-a-female, who is only looking for a male-body to call a boyfriend or drag to the alter, is easy to spot. Just like a player with his fly open, and his tongue hanging out, is a gross-out on many levels (to you and me). Taking exception to his "slutty" female and/or gay male counterpart. If that's their type, don't judge them! They'll learn better! Sow the wild oats now, get it all out!
It's really nice to know you get so many people sexually worked-up over you. So chill-out, and handle it gracefully. Try to be level-headed about it. One day, you'll miss it! When age takes its toll, and the young guys stop turning heads! Consider yourself quite lucky! For now!!!
Let guys know at the beginning, you want something meaningful; and you're not the kind of female that casually jumps into bed with guys. Countdowns on dates to the time sex happens is silly. Have sex when you feel it's right. You will weed-out the bad-types that only want sex, right from the start. You make a bad-call. Don't attach your heart just because you had sex. Wait and see what his emotional-reaction will be. It may not be as fast as you want it to be. It may never happen. Then you have to mentally-deal with the fact, that's all he wanted; and be adult enough to move on, and continue dating. That's what you have to face, because sex is a major reason many people date. They aren't all looking for long-term commitments, marriage, and a picket fence. Romance leads to sex, or what's the point?
Adopting a realistic-attitude instead of a "cynical-attitude" is easier said then done. I'm not going sit here lecturing you, and not understanding where you're coming from; because I do, 100%! When my partner of 28 years died; I had to get back into dating. I'm gay, and there is some justification to the stereotype that gay men are very focused on sex. Casual-sex in particular. I emotionally shut-down, and became very offended when guys went straight for it. Sending me dick-pics, or asking for mine! They didn't even wait to see if I was on the same-page. Like you, I got angry and froze them out. Feeling that's all gay men like. That's all "men" like. Wait a minute...I'M A GUY TOO!!! Why am I lumping all guys into the same category?
You and I know that isn't true. Those guys just read my "disconnection" and "matter of fact" behavior as; "just show me you love me, or leave me alone." So naturally, they wanted sex if nothing else came through from wasting their time with me. Yes, there were some who only date for sex. You can't throw a rock without pelting one of them. That's the reality of dating. That's evidence you're hot on the market. How many posts do I have to answer, trying to boost sinking self-esteem for men and women who don't feel attractive to anyone? That obviously isn't your problem!
Be joyous! You're blessed!
I was smart enough not to give-into every proposition. It was hard to do! Some were hot-looking and really great prospects. I just let them know it wasn't going to happen. But more sensible people than myself, told me stop acting like a prima donna. So, I reeled in my judgy and needy disconnected-attitude. I'm not so perfect either!!! They could do better! I know I have a lot to offer, I had to learn how to project it. They read only what they saw.
A nice "gym-body" with a blank-face! Looking for a long-term, meaningful-relationship...blah, blah, blah! BOOOOR-RING!!! What else is new? Everybody wants that.
There is a period you'll undergo "their" evaluation to determine if you're the one they want to have all that with. If you don't meet their criteria, you're still pretty enough for sex. Welcome to the realities of life and dating, sister!
Guess what? Those I unfairly put-off or judged, are still friends of mine to this day. I finally opened-up, showed them who I really am, and gave them something "emotional" and engaging about myself. Oh, they told me about myself too! They needed something from/about me to "like" other than what's in my pants. At least they let me know they were attracted to me. That's still a plus, my dear. No, all of them didn't settle for friendship; but three of my now best friends did. After a breakup a couple of years ago, they even tried setting me up with other guys. EEEEWWWWW!!! Maybe they were getting back at me for my previous rejection. I got stories, girlfriend! Can we talk?!!
Sometimes you just have to dismiss guys for being what they are. That can't change who you are, nor your values. Just pick and chose those you find worth your time and effort. You don't embitter yourself to all guys, because of a few. You haven't even reached the first quarter of your life. So there is quite a bit of time left to do some picking and choosing. Don't get flustered or frustrated too soon! You're still practically a girl! A baby from my point of view! You've just reached womanhood, kiddo! Don't give-up just so soon. Don't feel sex is all guys want from you, they also want something interesting and exciting about you, that will keep them intellectually-involved and stimulated, beyond what your body has to offer. If you show something from the neck up, and offer them a challenge; they'll realize you're out of their league; or you're more than just another skirt to get under. You're the whole package! Get with it, or get lost, dude! That's the attitude to take. Yes, being pretty can have some drawbacks; but don't get it twisted. Conceit will block out the perfect guy you were looking for; along with all the undeserving "tail-wagging skirt-chasers." Guys can be slow with their true intentions. Have patience.
I'm speaking from experience. I was conceited in my thinking that I was so appealing, that sex was all they wanted. Deciding they only wanted to "hit-it and get-it;" because I offered nothing much else to keep them thrilled about knowing me. See, even WiseOwlE had to learn how to behave and be nicer when dating. Be more engaging to people interested in me, in all my wisdom! I learn something new everyday! I learned how to date, chose who I like, and who liked me. Without forming a bad-attitude for those I knew weren't right for me. Even at my age!
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 March 2015):
 Another thing...I caution against going to the cinema together. It's a dark place, you'll be sitting very close to one another and unless the theatre is busy enough, it can be an ideal place for kissing and fondling.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (10 March 2015):
Further to what the other aunts have said, your dates should be in public places, preferably during the day and end much earlier. The conversation should be interesting, but keep the flirting to a minimum (don't introduce it yourself).
Dates, especially early ones, should be 2-4 hours. NO LONGER. They should be in public places, preferably during the day, that are not conducive to sex. Your outings should be for something specific, such as a museum, a tour of the city, Rock & Roll/Hockey/whatever 'Hall of Fame', rollerskating, ice skating, mini golf...whatever. No vague, open ended 'meeting up or drinks' or 'hanging out'. No gong to his house (or his friends' houses) or having him at yours until you've known him several months and it's obviously to EVERYONE that he's serious.
The idea is to pique his interest by being an interesting person, to stand out from the predictable dates for which he already knows the script, to show by your actions what you expect, and to not put yourself in the uncomfortable position of having to decline unwanted advances (by preventing him from making them....in a fun, easy going, but assertive manner).
Always end the date on a high note, which means that when it's done, you part ways and no texting each other all day and night afterward. Give yourself a chance to savour the experience, process it and plan the next move.
When you do speak, be clear, mean what you say and say what you mean, but you can communicate much of this non verbally.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 March 2015):
 I can only suggest what nobody is willing to do, although it would also be what common sense suggests :
do it the other way around. I.e., if it is a relationship that you want, wait it has BECOME a real relationship BEFORE you introduce sex in it. Do not get sexually imvolved when things are still up in the air, very recreational and superficial , and then hope that somehow it may turn out serious. It may, but more often it may not.
Do not have sex at the first, or 5th, or 20th date, if there's no hint of committment and exclusivity, if he has not started making you part of his life , spending lots of time with you in person, and not just by text !, introducing you to friends , coworkers and relatives, planning little trips and special outings based on common interests ( and not just the usual, indifferent going out for a couple drinks ) and making these little PLANS happen pinctually. And so on and so forth.
Be upfront about your wishes and expectations, - there's nothing wrong, silly or old fashioned in being looking for a serious relationship ; but you have to SHOW it with your actions, not just with words.
I am not saying this is simple or easy, it's not. First, you'll feel physical attraction too and it will be difficult to show self control, second, nowadays people ( women too, not men only ) are more and more into instant gratification, and if their implulses aren't gratified by the 1st or 3rd or X th date ( whatever is their chosen limit )- they will just go : NEXT ! Then again, -that would show you that they weren't really interested in / curious about YOU, you as a person, but only about your sexual performance. So - not what you are looking for, I guess.
Sorry, I know my advice may sound lame, or hard to follow - but, in practice, if you want to avoid any chance of sexual hit-and-runs, I don't see what else you could do.
...............................
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (10 March 2015):
 It seems you are attracting a certain type of guy!
Maybe you should make it clear from the outset what kind of relationship you are after. Find out if they're looking for a proper relationship or just fun. Don't just assume or hope.
Many people (myself included) still believe in no sex before marriage. It certainly cuts out the time-wasters!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 March 2015):
 Do you have any kind of conversations BEFORE the sex about what you are looking for? As in you tell them RIGHT off the bat (first/second date ) that you are NOT looking for a FWB/F-buddy thing, but an actual relationship?
If you tell them that and they just keep "pretending" they are looking for the same TIL the sex, then I wold be seriously frustrated too.
If you aren't CLEAR about what you are looking for, then I'd be more clear in the future.
I also have to ask WHERE do you met these guys?
And if you met up twice a week, you have barely known these guy, a month, month and a half is not that long of an acquaintance before sex. NOT that I think YOU are doing anything "wrong", but IF what you are doing now ISN'T working I'd try another approach. Which would be, wait longer. Keep the dates to public places, not his/your place. And don't rely on texting as a way to get to know a guy.
This latest guy who wants "all of a sudden" to just be your F-buddy. DELETE and block his number.
...............................
A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (10 March 2015):
 i can suggest having "self respect" , that is something that seems to be gone out the window this day and time. what i mean by that is if you give it up easy you are going to draw that kind of guy to you. the type of guys that are out for just one thing. once they get what they want , they get tired of you, and off to the next girl for something new. play hard to get, do not give in to these guys, put your value up high saying your not cheap or easy to come by. the type of guys you maybe drawn too also maybe some of the problem. if you are looking for the "bad boy " type you will only be getting guy that are looking for one thing! don't go out looking for guys, they will find you. if a guy can get it for quick, and easy it has make yourself of high value , that is what i am saying.
...............................
|
