A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Recently my boyfriend was charged with assault and uttering death threats. Both charges I was the victim. He choked me and when I told him I couldn't breathe he said "thats what I'm trying to do". Sometimes I wonder if someone coming to the front door didn't startle him.. would I be dead?We have a child together. A daughter. We were together for 5 years until this happened. He wants me to take him back. Before that happened I loved him.I don't know what to do. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): Yes, you are right it is very difficult. But so is life with an abusive partner! More difficult, infact. I had to get to the point where I KNEW, living without him (as hard as it would be) was way better than trying to survive with him! And from the day that I turned my back and walked away from him, my life just gets better! I never thought I could be happy again! Even when I left him, I felt as though I still loved him. I used to justify by saying "I love him, but I hate his behavior."
When he died, I grieved his life, more than his death! I grieved for what could have been, but never was!
You know, honestly?? You may not be ready to make the move. But just remember, some women don't get another chance to walk away. Next time there may not be a knock at the door while he is in a rage...next time, your daughter may witness her mothers murder! It may sound like I am trying to scare you...but if I am, I guess I am trying to scare you into reality!
I hope you get away from him! You are playing Russian Roulette with yours and your daughters lives!
Good Luck and Be Strong!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know what i need to do. But why is it so hard? I never used to be like this. I used to be happy. I feel like im stuck in a hole and i cant get out. It is a terrible feeling
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A
female
reader, flicka23  +, writes (19 March 2009):
 I think that Gina answer is excellent and she said all I would have said to you. Take her advice, dear. I used to work at the Ministry of Social Security and I handled many cases where the wife would come and say that her husband has drunk and beaten her but after a while, she will always find reasons to go back with her husband who promise he would change but he never changed. I don't understand why women keep on taking back men like this who will only make their life miserable. You can live very happily without this man
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (19 March 2009):
"Sometimes I wonder if someone coming to the front door didn't startle him.. would I be dead?"
Yes, yes you would be dead, and he would be in prison and your daughter would be in a care home. Now I don't know what it's like over in Canada, but most kids over here who grow up in care, do NOT do well in life.
She is going to know that her daddy KILLED her mother, and then when he gets out of prison and she knows he's walking around getting a new girlfriend, how is she going to feel then?
If you love your daughter at all then do not get back with this guy. If you do decide to get back with him then give her into care first, because at least then she won't have to have nightmares of hearing you screaming every night after you are dead.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, cry  +, writes (19 March 2009):
 get out while you still can. save your daughter &you besides why would you want to raise your daughter in that cind of inviroment
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (19 March 2009):
 You know exactly what to do. Trust your gut. You know that this guy is bad news for you and your daughter. If you take him back, you are putting both of your lives at risk. We hear stories of men who kill their wives/girlfriends and kids in the news all the time; you are not so special that this can't happen to you as well. You were able to get out of this situation with your life this time,but you may not be so lucky the next. Use whatever legal means you can to keep him away from you and your child. If this means pressing criminal charges for the assault, then that's what you have to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): I have to say in response to Mr Me's suggestion that therapy etc. is the answer.
I wholeheartedly DISAGREE! What he did, in the way you've described it, seems to me, to be an attempted manslaughter.
Stopping a persons vital functions (breathing) and telling them you want them dead is an extremely vicious act.
You cannot expose yourself or your daughter to a person that is capable of such brutality.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): Don't think getting back together will make things better for your child they won't! Your daughter will grow up thinking it is okay to be abused. Once it happens, it will happen again. Please believe me on both counts, I am talking from personal experience! I finally walked away after 16 years because I truly believed my death was eminent!!! I took him back so many times because he begged and cried and promised, but it always went back to the way it was! And each time I did take him back, the abuse would start up sooner! The last year with him was pure hell!
I wish women could learn from my mistakes!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): The answer, to me, is simply no. Next time you will be dead and there's no telling what he is capable of doing to your daughter.
In place of you taking him back, you should apply for both full custody of your daughter, and if he continues to persist, a restraining order.
No matter what your feelings there are NO other options, none at all and you shouldn't even consider the thought that there is.
I actually can't understand how you even need to ask, as he's obviously a severe threat to the safety of you and your daughter.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): Sweetheart, you need to get help--and get out...If he really wants to be with you, he really needs to get help--on his own. For your safety and your child, get a friend, get in a car, and go somewhere else where he can't readily find you. And get into therapy, there are many resources for you out there please don't think you are alone. Please do not get back together with him....
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): No. Let him be a father to his child, that's it. What would possess a man to do that, and worse what would possess you to even consider taking him back.
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A
male
reader, Mr Me +, writes (19 March 2009):
 Ok, I spoke out too quickly. I still standby my initial rant of no you shouldn't take him back, but you shouldn't exile him for your child's life. I would suggest you two to consider getting council and/or therapy together.
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A
female
reader, Pyro_Dimples +, writes (19 March 2009):
 no way in hell...that is bullshit and you don't deserve that. If he does it once chances are he is going to do it again. plus if you take him back he is going to believe if he does it again you will continue to take him back and then he has the power..
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A
male
reader, Mr Me +, writes (19 March 2009):
NOOOO!!! Please no. You should find a man that will treat you... verbally, physically, and mentally. You shouldn't have a man that constantly harasses you.
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