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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hello, I posted a question for advice some time ago which you can read here:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/escort-girlfriend-true-love-and-sleepless-nights-help.htmlAs pathetic as it may seem I am not yet free of the situation. I was wondering if you kind people might have some further advice for me. I know many things but I am young, and inexperienced, and need outsiders input as I cannot trust my own judgment.After my last reply to my question, when I said I would decide to move on, I did so. We stopped contacting one another, I changed my phone number and so on. We had no contact for 5 months. One night, while taking a swim in my apartment building pool, my thoughts returned to her and the life she had most likely returned to. Here I was enjoying a swimming pool. There she was doing god knows what with god knows who. And not just any girl, but the one I had loved so deeply. As time had gone by I had remembered her good side and the good times we had and very heavy feelings of pity (its not nice to pity someone, but thats the feeling I had- broken hearted that this girl had the life she had, the upbringing she had, and I had been a part of it and she had done many loving and good things with me and genuinely had loved me as I her). I also missed her and her good side, and could barely remember how it felt when we had had problems.So, call it a moment of weakness, or a moment of clarity (I wish I knew which) I texted her and got an instant reply. Then she called, and we had a soft and shy conversation, result of which she ended up driving around to my apartment 30 mins later and we fell right back into things.The first thing she did was lie to me about her life for the previous 5 months. Exactly as she had done the first time we met. And just like that first time, I understood why. She said she had one single customer who had been keeping her financially and she met with 3 times a week. In reality, she told me some weeks later, when she was feeling very low and "not good enough for me", was that she had gone into a fullscale brothel after the first 4 months, as her money had run out and customers were low on the ground in the original karaoke joint. So for 30 days she had been working in a brothel. Nevermind how I did but I confirmed this. She said how could I possibly accept her back into my life now that she had done this. How could any man? She was in floods of tears, and I really had to pursuade her to tell me. But I wanted the truth and suspected the story was a lie.She said she hated it and felt like she was subhuman doing such work. She had managed to stay clean of drugs, which is something i helped her with in our first relationship. It turns out this was true- she really was and is clean. She said she felt it was the only choice to go to work as she did as she has debts to pay (car, family, rent) and she felt after our break up she would give up on a happy life. I took her back, with certain things made explicit- mainly the things which were issues before- my having personal time to see friends, jealousy, etc. She promised to accept these. And for several months (almost 5) after our reunion, she did a wonderful job. She never got angry when I went out- she would stay at home and knit me a scarf(!), or watch a dvd or read a book. She started to draw as a hobby. I did my best to add it to her self esteem. I work at home so we were in the same place most of the day, but 3 or 4 evenings a week I would go out to see my friends. This was ok with her.....until last week. For a week prior she had been a little quiet or down. Sitting on the balcony on her own, and I would ask if she is ok and she would say all was fine, etc. One day she was sat crying in the bedroom, I went in and asked why, and she asked if I had time to talk (was during my work time). I said of course, and she reluctantly told me she felt so lonely these days. Why didnt I spend more time with her. Why wasnt it like the first months of our relationship when we did everything together? I realised she was right- I had become bored of spending time with her like that. We dont share the same "intellectual" interests- she is a much more "simple" person and our upbringing and social standing, if you call it that, are far apart. So I had been spending less time with her. I told her I was sorry and she was right and I would make an effort to spend more time together, but I would not stop going out 3 or 4 evenings to see my friends as I value this time greatly and cannot work my job without it (stress, working from home, I need to "get away" from it all often.)She got more and more upset and eventually stormed out, returning at 4am in the morning drunk and banging on my door. She was very violent and swearing profusely, after I let her in (only because the neighbours were starting to wake up!) she started packing her bags. Calling me names, demanding I open the door, threats, etc.After she had calmed down she was sat still packing and just burst into tears. I could not bare to see her sat there, surrounded by her clothes, trying to fold them neatly into her bags and tears pouring down her face. I still cared greatly for this girl even though while we back together I had started to resent her and my lack of independence.I sat and talked, suggested we work it out, etc. I just couldnt stand the sight of her like that, whether directly my fault or not she was so upset and I cared. she unpacked. We talked a little and went to bed. The next day was happy I think. Then the following morning she woke me up gently with a massage, and I saw her bags were packed again. She said "Is it ok if I go and live in my place? I feel so bad about what I said to you before."I had just woken up, blurry eyed. Her bags were packed again- I said "ok, if its what you want." She nodded.. and left. I helped her to the car. It was calm. It was pleasant, but sad. She asked for some money for immediate bill payments (she had not asked for money for 5 months up to this point- never shopping sprees, no expensive gifts, I always only took care of her car installments and thats it, we shared food and my apartment). I gave it willingly, knowing how her future, without me and my support for the last few months, she would have to go back to earning that money.The next day she called and apologised, saying it was only a small problem and she had gone crazy and got drunk and wished she had not. She said she can accept my personal time 3 or 4 nights a week with friends, really she could, and please can I forgive her. I said I needed some time to think my feelings through, as I was still reeling from the torrent of abuse and wearing and so on from the night she had returned drunk. I was still angry at her.And now, 4 days on..I am no longer angry. She has given me the time I asked for and not baggered me with phone calls etc. And I miss her terribly! Am I a pathetic excuse for a man and should I (again) break it off? Am I just weak? All she wants is more time spent together, going to parks, etc, etc. I couldnt provide it. I began to resent living with her and I cant seem to live without her. Am I the one now who needs help?Thank you in advance for your advice..
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debt, drugs, drunk, jealous, money, move on, neighbour, self esteem, shy, text, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): (author) Thank you MR. I really appreciate your directness."Go back home tomorrow and tell her you lost your job and have to move to a less expensive flat, and from now on and until things get better you both have to cut down on every expenditure."This is my main problem- because when I met her for the first 4 or 5 months she actually was a "sugar mummy" to me. I had lost my income, was barely getting by, we met in a club I was quickly living with her. I made very modest income but she paid for everything- our rent, my food, when we went out, etc. I contributed all I had, but she was paying 80% of our expenses, for months. When my income went back up (and she had no way to know if it would or wouldnt at that time) things went the other way and when she quit working altogether I of course became the only earner. It is this issue which causes me the most anguish- she already showed me it wasnt just about my wallet. Was she just being very clever? I dont know. Anyhow, she has left now, and told me she has moved to another city. We had a farewell drink and dinner, she had a flight the next morning already booked. So it seems it is over.. so hopefully I can move on and will take all your advice on board in doing so. Thank you.. wish me luck, I only hope I havent done the wrong thing in letting it end. I dont think ill ever be sure either way. I wish I could stop analysing it!
A
male
reader, EscortHusband77  +, writes (30 October 2009):
Do you want a partner or a child?I think you have to be honest with yourself, and also start thinking that you deserve better. There is another woman out there who deserved you and is NOT getting you because you wasted time in this father-child relationship.Give her some time to come out of the situation. But not with you assisting her. I like the metaphor where you can open the door, but you cannot do th te walking for her...Does this girl really loves you? Or does she love the idea of being with someone in you status?As a side thought, are you equally contributing to the relationships?Do you make plans together?As I said in another post YOU MUST CLEAR ALL SIGNS OF SUGAR-DADDYNESS IF YOU WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH AN ESCORT OR EX ESCORT TO WORK...Just try this for me. Go back home tomorrow and tell her you lost your job and have to move to a less expensive flat, and from now on and until things get better you both have to cut down on every expenditure. And that she should try and get a full time job to contribute while you are out of work.All of a sudden you will know who she really is.If you choose not to want to know, becuase you are afraid of what you might discover, then it is YOU who has a problem.My partner is an ex-escort and I risked entering into assistance-mode myself... MR
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): (author) thank you for your advice, all of you. As regards her friends they are all from her previous work and in her words "no good" (their lives from what I have seen are even further into the scene, more drugs, more problems, more years, and possibly envy her or resent her attempts to choose a different life).
Ive tried to get her interested in meeting new people and I think her self esteem is so low that she feels too shy or embarassed, and can only feel comfortable with "bad" people. I dont think theres anything I can do about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): Everyone needs friends and it seems this girl doesn't have any or she chooses not to see them, which means you are her entire life, source of entertainment, conversation and happiness. You on the other hand go out 3 or 4 times a week, it seems it should be she that is bored? She needs to find things to stimulate herself and then she would have something to bring to the table to talk about and this would make her more interesting.
Ironically, by doing what you want her to do...stay in your apt., she is not very interesting to you. Let her know it is ok with you that she go out and do something...anything! Nobody can be a persons sole interest in life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): I think Icelordess hit it on the head. There is nothing wrong with caring about this woman and you obviously do. But I don't think she is the woman you want her to be. If she was, I don't think you'd be asking some of the questions you are.
I wish you the best
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): (im the author) Thank you, I am also worried about the bored point.
Two weeks ago when things were absolutely fine and happy, but very "routine" (wake up, breakfast, working, maybe she does some household shopping, maybe she watches tv while I work, late lunch together, maybe out, maybe in, evening sit and watch tv together, chat, or I go out and then return, sleep.. rinse and repeat). I was thinking if I should break it off, wondering how better things might be with someone else, anyone else. Bored by the routine. She had done everything I asked and even said could she start studying at local uni, she had found a cheap course that suited her, could I look into it? I was tiring of the routine.
It went bad and here I am missing her and worrying about her. Clearly I have some sort of mental problem. I read what I have written and I know I would conclude this person has serious issues! I just wish I knew what it was and how I could stop it. And Im sorry to be replying to myself, I will try and shut up. I am very grateful for any input, especially with reasoning attached. The blunter the better.
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A
male
reader, EscortHusband77 +, writes (26 October 2009):
Yes you have to leave this girl. You are missing her in the short term but will not miss her in the medium long term.
Perhaps give her another chance, but be ready to lose her. What worries me is that you get bored of her after a while.
MR
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (26 October 2009):
The truth is this just isn't going to work. I really would move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): Im sorry I forgot to add that since taking her back 5 months or so ago she completely quit work- and has since not worked as an escort. Its still in the title because, its relevant to the background and it will be what she returns to for work if I do really finish our relationship (again).
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