A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was engaged to a wonderful guy.He is a virgin and have very high Morales and values.However, i lied to him about my past relationship and virginity.Engagement called off due to videos and pictures of sexual activity and intimate ones,taken and recorded with my ex boyfriend has been sent to my fiance and his family and my parents and siblings.I am ashamed to look into the eyes of my parents,fiance and in laws.My fiance is heart broken and down and he has blocked me on each and every form of communication.Please advice.Now everyone in my family and fiance family has seen me naked and performing sexual act with my ex boyfriend.What should be done to convince my family and his family?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2018): Your first mistake was telling a lie in the first place and deceiving your boyfriend, the sex and naked bit is life and most human people will understand, it takes a low life to send this type of imagery to family and friends. Your second mistake, letting some looser film you.
Should have just been honest and told him that you had a previous sexual relationship, and if he could not accept it, then move on.
Feel no shame in the human body and sex, it's the deceit thats the real issue here, and truly hurts people.
Move on, think you have blown this one. Learn never to be ashamed of your past sexual life, and start afresh.If you have secrets, people can and will use them against you, like your x..be true to yourself and others. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2018): Alot of you tell her it her fault.What if the ex recorded her and she did not know it?Since she lives in a culture where women are treated less than dirt no advice given can apply.Where she lives she has no rights.My advice is to immigrate to a country where she will not be judged on her womanhood.Stay safe.There the sad thing is she is tainted in everyone's eyes not fair I know.move move far away in other countries women as as free as the men.And sex is nothing to be ashamed of.move and be free..really free.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (14 October 2018):
 I'm thinking more along the lines of what action you can take against the creepy ex. He's crossed a line, he's basically blackmailed you and has circulated private sexual vide of yours. There has to be some legal provision that deals with this jerk.
See OP, you have nothing to lose any longer. Your family now know everything and they can and hopefully should come to your rescue. Try to talk to your fiance and apologize for everything. Maybe he can find a way to forgive you. But whatever happens, do not let the ex get away with whatever he's done. He has absolutely no right to ruin your life in this way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2018): First off lawyer up sue the ex.Rember what does not kill you will make you stronger.If you can afford it I know this sounds strange go on a small vacation alone.You need time to regroup.Then think about this..You could not tell your man you were not a virgin..if you married him what else could you not tell him?Is he that judgemental of you?Us that how you really want to live with secrets? This is really not the man for you.You deserve to have a man love you and respect you with all of your baggage.What happened in your life before you even met him should not matter ever.It is time to dump this man and never look back.His love for you never was real because it was conditional.Love is not like that at all.Love is unconditional.learn this and move on.As for everyone seeing everything f them.Do not let them judge you.If they do just rember they are sad sad people who have no life who love to feed off others dispair.You can always tell them judge ye not least ye be judged.you can do this.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (13 October 2018):
 Convince them of WHAT???
You have just paid a horrible price for both your lies, and your lack of intelligence by allowing your sexuality to get anywhere near a camera. When it comes to taking pictures, you never take anything that you wouldn't want spread all over your family and friends.
You accept the consequences of your actions, and you let your fiance go. Your lies are dealbreakers to him, and now you must respect his decision to leave you. It will hurt, but you need to grow from this and become a better person.
You're not excluded from having good relationships simply because you're not a virgin. But lying is a relationship atomic bomb, and sooner or later, it always goes off. Be lucky this didn't go off AFTER you married him and had kids, because you'd really hurt THEM by the split/divorce.
Let him go. Stop contacting him or his family. If he comes back to you, you'll have some hard trust repair to deal with. If he doesn't, you must never lie again.
As for your family seeing your sex tape, what is there to say?? Whoever sent that around could be in trouble with the law. Revenge tapes are illegal here in the US, but I don't know the law in India. It would be a good idea to find out.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (13 October 2018):
 I don't see how this can be fixed according to what I know about your culture. You lied and you can't get out of it because it was right there for everyone to see. Your relationship with your fiance is over and I don't believe there is any way it can be salvaged. Accept it, grieve and then move on. Your family is embarrassed as are you but in time it will fade. Your family will forgive you, your fiance and his family? Highly unlikely. Please acknowledge what a lie of this magnitude can do in a country that values women being virgins and do NOT make this mistake again. Be honest and then you don't have to worry. I wish you well I know you are sad and hurting. Try to look at that this wasn't the right man for you. Many people have sex before marriage but most don't have surprise videos show up to haunt them. Sadly you did. I'd try to go after your ex if you can. What he did was really low. What a jerk.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2018): There is nothing that can be done; when all the intimate details of your behavior have been recorded and exposed to your family and fiance. This is why I've consistently warned young women about carelessly offering to participate in, or exchanging, sexually-explicit videos with boyfriends. Even worse, with men they've met online; or encountered as a brief hookup-connection.
Anything that is videoed or recorded can be shared. Once in the hands of someone else; it's their personal-property. They can do whatever they want with it. Videoed or not, you knew someday you would have to explain how you lost your virginity before marriage. You were bold enough to have sex, why not be bold enough to confess that you have?
Lying about being a virgin when you're female, doesn't make a lot of sense. There aren't too many excuses or explanations you can offer that will explain how you lost your hymen. Although there are many different ways, you're not likely to be believed. Sex is the most likely cause, and few other explanations are feasible.
Guys can lie about virginity; because there is no biological evidence to dispute their claims. Cultures that put a lot of emphasis on purity for religious reasons, and enforce standards of virtue; are unforgiving to young women who decide to break tradition. You can decide to rebel against religious-tradition; but then you can't resort to being deceptive when the times comes for marriage. You can't turn-back time!
You will simply have to allow time to fade memories. Let the embarrassment subside. If you decide to marry, you will have be honest with your partner from now on.
As for your parents, they are disappointed; and sorry that you missed this opportunity for happiness. They spread the news of the engagement; and now have to face the humiliation of calling it all off! They will surely behave as your typical and traditional old-school parents do, by drowning you in your guilt; but love doesn't evaporate so easily. Give them time. It usually takes fathers longer than mothers.
Your family loves you. This is a major humiliation for all of you, and a shock. I wouldn't count on him coming around about it, don't put much stock in that possibility.
Your family, on the other-hand, will eventually get over it. What's done is done; and it is, what it is!
Now you know the karma and consequence of lying to people to avoid responsibility for your actions. You sometimes lose something you want; because you took an unnecessary risk without considering the consequences. You won't earn trust with dishonesty or deception. You'll only buy time until the real truth comes out.
This fiance is not likely to change his mind. So you have to be realistic and accept that. You'll find other eligible men; but you'll have to be sure they are more progressive in their thinking, and not strict about marrying a virgin. Mind your behavior, because your past catches-up with you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 October 2018):
 You can't convince them because they SAW the evidence of your lies.
YOU made a choice to have sex with your ex, you made the choice to FILM it too.
You shouldn't have lied.
I would however, consider suing the pants of your ex for sending these movies to other people - he had no right.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (12 October 2018):
 "What should be done to convince my family and his family?"
I have no good news for you. I have a basic understanding of your culture, and I don't see a path back here.
Ignoring the cultural influence, we find in research that many betrayed partners are more hurt by the deception than by the sex acts. I think this is where your (ex) fiance is right now. He has lost all trust in you because of this Big Lie.
Secondly many affair victims say that after finding out that their partner has had sex with another, their mind creates movies of it that play every time intimacy is attempted. Your fiance doesn't have to guess what you did, he has seen it.
Now logically you were not with him at the time of the prior relationship. Whatever you did was two consenting adults not hurting anyone. None of your fiance's business. Until you lied and proclaimed yourself virinal. Now there is a breach of trust. If you had been so brave before your exposure, there is a chance that something could have been worked out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2018): first of all I am so sorry this happened. your ex sounds like a scumbag. maybe your current boyfriend just needs time. and maybe you should give him a while to calm down. when you talk explain why you lied, I don't know why you did it, ashamed maybe? but I don't think you should feel ashamed for having a past. it will be hard to face everyone who saw the pictures and videos but it will show bravery on your part if you can face them. I wish you the best but if your partner cannot get over your past them maybe he is not the one for you. you deserve someone who accepts you for who you are.
good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2018): You have posted a question on here before, you was worrying if you should tell him of your sexual past. This is either a joke question or you knew this might come out?
Well if this has really happened there isn't a lot you can do, how can you convince him? Well sorry you can't. It is up to him now if he wants to contact you, he has cut you off and does not want to be contacted.
Do I think you did anything wrong? No, you have a past but unfortunately thanks to the modern world technology means our past can well and truly catch up with us. So if you don't want it to, you have to think carefully about who you date, what you do and the choices you make, in that case video evidence.
You can't change what they have seen and what he decides to do, you just have to learn from it, only time will determine whether he will forgive you and give it another go, but that will be very hard to do since this is now out there and his family have also seen it.
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