A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:so I am in a long distance relationship for 7 months now. He is from Texas and I'm from Ireland. We met on his first night here, and we just chatted for the whole night and we made plans for the next day and the next and it was on the second day he told me he wanted to kiss me but I didn't think I saw him that way. but the more time we spent texting and meeting up I realised that I was really attracted to him. I was a single mother who wasn't split from the dad that long so I wasn't looking for anyone romantic.but I really did fall for him over the couple of weeks he was here. I met his daughter he met mine, I drove to Galway to be with him on Paddys day. and then out of no where he said that he's fallen in love and wants to be with me, he said we have a lot of things against us but he wanted to try so we could be together. no word of a lie I never met anyone like him. he was the sweetest, most sincere, most caring man I ever met and I never known a man to show someone so much love and affection, and to me he was just perfect. on his last here we went for a meal and a few drinks and he just cried, he cried for me and my daughter and how much he was going to miss me but we promised each other we will fight to make this work. first two months were great, he works with animals and he would video chat me so I could see the dogs because he knows how much I love them. he would wake up real early to talk to me over the phone (6 hours ahead of him) he would face time me and he would cook and tell me what he was cooking and it'll be like I was just there with him. we would tall for hours, he would sing me our song on guitar. and he would tell me every day how much he loved me and how much he misses me. even over the phone we were inseparable. we had a playlist together that we would put songs in that reminded me of him and vice versa. he would go to concerts and ring me. he would video chat me with him mam and daughter. his friends would answer the phone. we could never get intimate though, we were too shy but we didn't mind that. in May, a week before my birthday he calls me and said I'm in work but I know it's your birthday dinner so enjoy and I'll call you after work. I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks. I would call, no answer, I'd text no reply. but he was online and putting pictures up. he was living his life but I had no idea why I wasn't in the picture anymore. I woke up to two messages on different mornings- the first saying happy birthday, and the next I miss you more than you know. it wasn't until I was in hospital exactly 2 weeks later he texted me asking why I was in hospital. I told him and 7 hours later he texted are you still in there and I told him they're keeping me in. I asked him where he was for those 2 weeks and he said we can't be together because it's too hard to be here without you and I can't ask you to move because of your daughter. I told him I loved him and I said why can't you move here like we always said. then I found out there was a huge thing with his job that went viral and he was getting death letters and everything and I saw the comments online I knew how bad things were. but we got back together but it didn't seem like he was pushed to get back together.now it's been 5 months since he ignored me and he has done it about 5 times more. he is coming over in December for 2 and a half weeks and I am beyond excited to be with him. but our relationship is shite now. he s completely changed. I'm lucky if I get about 5 messages a day from him but he will just stop for the rest of the day. we don't do date night anymore. when he gets depressed and needs me and I'm there he insults me and it hurts because he promised me he would never put me down. I can't talk to him about any of it because he just doesn't bother ringing anymore and his phone rings out when I ring now. he doesn't text me to say good morning or goodnight anymore. he doesn't call to say I love you. I'm so lost because my friends keep saying he is punching above his weight and he has the nerve to ignore you almost every week. it's gotten to a point where I don't even talk about him anymore. I love him. I want to be with him and I will admit that I'm holding on for the guy he used to be. he said that his life over there has changed and not his love for me, but shouldn't I be his constant then? if his life is changing and not me or the way he feels then why has he changed towards me. I feel like we are a hook up, and not a couple. he never asks me how I am doing and when I tell him I have a bad day he rings me for about 10 minutes. the other night he said he will call me back and I waited up for another hour and I called him I got nothing. when I woke up the next day I still had nothing, oh I'm sorry I never rang you back or anything.was it all a lie and should I just move on? Or should I not be afraid to tell him how I feel and try and have a proper conversation about this? he always avoids it and it's just gone on too long now.thanks xx
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (13 October 2018):
 It was a whirlwind romance, nothing more. Like something from a film, you shared a connection and he announced his ‘love’ for you. I think he loved the situation more than anything. No one can fall in love that soon it’s absolutely ludicrous and if anything it’s a huge red flag. He doesn’t know you, how can he be in love? You were strangers.
Since getting home he realised the effort it takes to maintain a LDR. They’re usually very unrealistic and rarely work as shown here. Does he sound interested? Ignoring you for days at a time and insulting you when you’re trying to help? Your friends are right, he sound like a total dick.
If I were you I’d tell him not to bother coming over, this is a pointless exercise, nothing will come of this due to the distance and the fact that he’s an ass. You can do better.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2018): No, it wasn't exactly a lie; it was only a "romance." Women tend to take the word "love" very seriously; while all too often, men use the word way too casually or frivolously. Mainly because they want to come across as romantic, and they know how much women like to hear it.
There is/was a romance going on, not a relationship. You met this guy, and fell head-over-heals in the matter of weeks. Intrigued by the notion he was this American traveler, sharing the fact he was also a single-parent; but you are both very much caught-up in romantic-fantasy. Trust me, my dear, but the teary-departure was truly too much! It was so over the top! Very much like a TV scene!
All the promises and plans you discussed were hardly feasible. Few Americans give-up their citizenship for the sake of a foreign-romance sparked on a vacation trip. These types of flings and romances are short-lived; but hope often exaggerates the possibilities. We stretch and test reality; when we want something badly enough. We defy reason!
He's coming around from the fantasy. He has lost that romantic-high that you're still on! He's using work as his excuse. That is always the excuse. You know it was never realistic that he would uproot his life, move his daughter away from her mother, and live far-away from his own family. For all the same reasons you couldn't, or wouldn't. He made all those promises in the heat of the moment. For the sake of romance.
There is no "proper conversation." Maybe not in romantic-terms. You need to have a realistic adult-discussion about what's-up. Placing all excessive emotionalizing aside. You just have to face reality, and consider all the practicalities involved.
Having children and jobs complicates matters.
Your romantic-connection is far too brief to be so "in-love." You've been acquainted for only a few weeks; and all you can take from that is he's a very nice guy.
The rest of that time was months over distance, where you never really got to know much more about him than what he left behind. Oh, you mentioned all the months after; but sorry, that doesn't substitute for real-time spent together. Getting to know his personality-quirks, bad-habits, and judging the intensity and range of his emotions and behavior. You held-on to his romantic-persona. Which he reinforced with much sweet-talk and followed-up by greeting-card sentiments.
Don't fault yourself. You're only human. You got a bit carried-away. That's romance!
You don't know his family, or his values. You know nothing of his real character, or much about his origins. Just some videos and video-chats, where everyone was on their best behavior; where there were no real challenges regarding personalities or character to be judged. You cannot evaluate a person's personality between two devices. You weren't together long enough to develop such strong feelings. You need to know more about someone to substantiate how you feel about them; and why you feel as you do?
He's avoiding you, hoping you will give-up and go-away. So pull yourself together, and move-on. Block all future contact; because it will only upset you and your daughter.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 October 2018):
 This is the most probable outcome of a LDR. Not only that but this was like a "blitz whirlwind romance" with you two. The whole "I love you" after a few dates... it's UNREALISTIC, it FANTASY. This was a bottle-rocket romance. All bang and woooo and then it just fizzles out and is done.
Having someone tell you they LOVE you... I bet it feels lovely, warm and fuzzy, but seriously, a person can't KNOW you so fast, and they can't LOVE you so fast.
My guess is the novelty wore off and the reality set in. He knows that it's unrealistic for him to move and probably not super realistic for you to move to Texas either.
TAKE it as a summer romance. Cut him out of your life, remove, block and delete all contact info and MOVE on.
Next time, TAKE your time getting to know a guy. Don't try for another LDR. Find someone you can spend time with IN PERSON, not over tech.
Also, I think he has moved on, he just haven't told you. He wants someone whom he can cook WITH, hold, hug, spend time with. And it's too complicated with time difference, life style difference and not having you nearby.
Take it for what it was. A short romance that fizzled out.
He is done, YOU be done too.
Chin up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2018): The problem with all this from what I can see is this was a whirlwind romance where both sides have limited time and are clearly out to impress. Also people do get instant attraction and chemistry with love, sorry but love takes time and from what you wrote you both tried to make it work.
The evidence shows he is having a hard time in his life, I have to ask do you really know this man? Why are people so angry with him? The thing is and it is just me but all hearts and flowers and this speedy true love stuff I just don't buy, do we not all just watch such movies and PS I love you and want that so when someone sweeps us off our feet we want to believe they are our very own movie star?
Maybe your friends see that and realise he is not all he seems and you are being swept along with the love story?
Not to mention LDR are very hard to maintain as is constant messages and attention, believe you me even if you are with someone in person that does tail off, you CANNOT keep up the first few months of the buzz of love, at least men seem to not be into texting and communicating like us women.
He is coming over in December, my advice is if he does you really work at communicating and really getting to know him, I know its a short space of time but try not to have sex with him until you have met up with him properly and you can both address what has been happening, but allow him to speak and decide from what is said whether there really is this love that you initially thought you both had.
The excitement is bound to also be more there as you are both from different countries and on both sides a different culture and way of being, you know this. So don't let your heart go before your head here, keep an open mind, meet him again and from that decide if he really was the man you thought he was.
I wish you all the best
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