A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been living with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are engaged with no set date. I know he loves me and I don't want to throw away a loving relationship for no reason, but I don't think my feelings for him are very deep. I'm worried if we break up I will be lonely, but I'm also irritated with the relationship. He loves talking on the phone and I don't, and we talk on the phone about 10 times a day, even if I am working or with my family, I have to return the call and tell him what I'm doing, eating, or taking about. Our relationship used to be horrible and it's gotten a lot better, so I feel stupid for wanting to leave now instead of earlier. We used to fight a lot and he would call me names and make me cry for hours on end. I told him I can't handle it and we've stopped arguing that way. I feel like he made a big sacrifice for me by learning how to control his anger and so I should love him for that. Ever since I met him I have hated having sex with him or kissing, although cuddling is nice. I'm not a sexual person in general and have not enjoyed sex in the past so I don't know if this means I don't have feelings for him, or I'm just a grouchy person. He's a great guy and spends a large amount of his free time on the phone with his daughter and mom. I think that's what I'm supposed to want, a hard working family oriented man, but I don't feel like myself. In this relationship. When I met him I was a dancer at a club, and I know it sounds gross that I'd rather dance naked for old dudes that don't care about me than be with a man who loves me, but I miss my independence and freedom. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2013): I'm surprised that you're even engaged to this guy. "Our relationship used to be horrible and it's gotten a lot better, so I feel stupid for wanting to leave now instead of earlier."So basically the only reason you're still with him is because you feel that you 'missed the boat' as far as leaving him? that's ridiculous. You don't need to wait for a specific time to leave someone and then after that it's too late you can't do it anymore. It's not like a job opportunity. "We used to fight a lot and he would call me names and make me cry for hours on end."Anyone who calls you names is verbally and emotionally abusive. You've been in an abusive relationship, no wonder you have no positive feelings for him."I feel like he made a big sacrifice for me by learning how to control his anger and so I should love him for that. Ever since I met him I have hated having sex with him or kissing, "Sounds like you have low self-esteem (which is not surprising when you've been emotionally abused). You think that learning to control his anger is such a huge favor he does for you that you should be forever grateful and love him for it? How about: learning to control his anger is the LEAST he could do for you. It's what any normal sane person would do. It's not to be considered this huge favor that entitles him to your eternal gratitude. You don't even like kissing him. So why are you even engaged to him?"He's a great guy and.. "No, he's not. He's emotionally abusive."..spends a large amount of his free time on the phone with his daughter and mom. I think that's what I'm supposed to want, a hard working family oriented man, but I don't feel like myself. In this relationship."Who exactly dictates what you should and should not want? Again, your self esteem has been so battered that you have no sense of self anymore. It's a definite sign that this relationship is HARMFUL to you and a reason to end it permanently and immediately. he can be as hardworking as anyone else and nice to his daughter and mom, and still be a jerk to you. " When I met him I was a dancer at a club, and I know it sounds gross that I'd rather dance naked for old dudes that don't care about me than be with a man who loves me, but I miss my independence and freedom."It doesn't sound strange at all, it makes perfect sense. You would rather dance for people who DO NOT ABUSE YOU than someone who does, simple as that. this guy does not love you or care about you, he just 'needs' to have a woman in his life to fill some void and it happens to be you. You are RIGHT to miss your independence and freedom, because a relationship should not be costing you your freedom and independence. A relationship that's good will entice you to voluntarily give up some of your freedom and independence so it's something you will happily do. Bad relationships just rob you, and it's unhealthy.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 February 2013):
 I see a "relationship" full of drama and mixed emotions, and youthful immaturity.... but not much else....
You're in your early 20's. What say you give back the ring.... to this guy who is really not adult enough to be married.... and go your separate ways.... and see what life brings to the two of you in the future...???
Good luck..
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (31 January 2013):
 you definitely need to break up with your fiance. it's about that time. if you can honestly say you'd rather dance naked for old dudes that don't care than be with him and not have your freedom, then something is very wrong. not because dancing for old dudes is disgusting, but because you shouldn't feel that way about a relationship. you deserve something more, as does he.
when the person you're with proposes, you should feel like it's the happiest day of your life! and you should be excited about the wedding! not craving your freedom back. yes, you may feel lonely for a period of time after breaking up, but almost everyone feels that way when they break up. although, i honestly think you'd be amazed at what a breath of fresh air it would feel like for you to get your independence back. i've been there before, myself. when i finally got out of the relationship where i felt like you do, i loved every second of not having to be in touch with anyone and getting to do exactly what i wanted when i wanted. it was a great feeling.
whatever you do, i wish you happiness!!
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (31 January 2013):
 the big words i see here is "I should love him" and "I'm supposed to want" the relationship..the bottom line is you don't, and if you feel that way now, you are going to feel that way for the rest of your lives together too. It's going to feel like you're living a lie, not living as yourself. Comfort (avoidance of loneliness) is one thing, but you aren't even truly comfortable in this arrangement: you haven't let your sexual guard down, and you are emotionally detached hoping for something better to come along.
This is not your fault, mind you. I think that the beginning stages of a relationship, if they are sour in some way, can really taint the rest of your perception of the relationship, to the point of no return; even when you think enough time "should have passed" for you to get over it, it is almost impossible to do so because your reference point is that time in your lives that was Supposed to be the Honeymoon, and was not. And just because he is "better than before," doesn't mean you don't remember what it was like then, and so you have distrust of who he is. Getting married is going to make you feel more stifled, less free to be who you want to be, and ultimately more unhappy. If it helps, make a checklist of who he is, who you wish he were or what you want in a man and how he measures up. Sometimes writing things out makes it more obvious to us how distinct our goals/ideals are from our reality. You got this. Take ownership of your life again.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (31 January 2013):
As stated, fear of loneliness is a bad reason to avoid doing the right thing here. You WILL be lonely, but not for long. When the loneliness goes away you'll be happier.
Everyone deserves to be happy with their situation. Even if they have no complaint about the person they're with other than "I'm just not that into him."
Granted, when you get married and especially if you have kids then working on your relationship is the preference, but in your case neither of those is an issue, so you should just break it off with him in a nice way. Try to be patient and honest with him.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (31 January 2013):
 It doesn't make you a bad person if you don't want to marry him, whatever your reasons. This is the rest of your life, don't end up in an unhappy marriage. Yes you will feel lonely when you split but that won't last forever. If you marry the wrong man you could end up lonely forever.
If he made you cry and called you names that is a hard thing to get over, maybe you have not really forgiven him for this.
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