A
female
age
36-40,
*issMarie177
writes:Well, I am 26 years of age and about 1 year ago I got out of a 10 year relationship. He left me for another woman! He had also been sleeping with her for a month or who knows how much longer before we actually broke up. I spent my life loving this man and was 15 years old when we got together. He meant the world to me but would leave all the time sometimes for days at a time! He claimed it was his bi polar and his frequent drug and alcohol use. I believe his drug and alcohol use was due to his guilt towards me. I am hearing now that he is completely clean and sober and has taken care of his legal issues. And I believe it is all because he has a fresh start whereas with me, he never would so he had to live with the guilt of his transgressions on a daily basis. So now, my issue is I cannot seem to move on. I have Terrible guilt when I try to sleep with anyone else. I know it is over between me and the ex but for some reason no matter what I do, I cannot enjoy life. I have tried medications, therapy, and I've even resorted to drinking when I did try to be intimate with another man. But it seems as though I always feel this unbearable pain and guilt that won't go away. I am told I should be getting to the point where I am over him by now but who's to say who grieves which way and how long it will take? Everyone is different. I realize that I have seen many things in my life, much of it tragic and it does effect my everyday life but this is very difficult. I loved this man beyond what I even believed was possible for anyone and to receive a text saying he wasn't happy after he disappeared for a month!!! Well, let's just say closure for me wasn't an option. My Mother tells me that I am just the type of person who loves deeply but I don't really know. I would give anything to be able to move on and realize just how very unworthy this man is of my time and tears from day to day but what can I do? How do I move on from him? Intimacy use to be my way of feeling better when I was with him as strange as that sounds I believed that sex released a portion of my pain each time. But now, I don't have much if ANY desire to have sex. And when I did I felt so guilty. What should I do if you can help me, how am I to live my life again without such pain? I'd appreciate your advice and guidance. Thank you.
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (1 February 2013):
 Hi
Because it takes time,I had 2 children and my ex left for somebody else after 10yrs or so.It took 2 years before I even considered dating let alone sex.Others I know get straight back into dating,go wild, to get over someone.
Thing is they go for a reason,the relationship wasn't right, you come to realise that in time and when they go they set you free too remember.
As long as you don't dwell on them,look at their new life constantly, you won't get 'stuck'. Get over them emotionally give yourself time, find new things to do,make plans.
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (1 February 2013):
 Hi, You lost your first love and its not easy. You will love and trust again. You just maybe pushing yourself too card to move on to someone else for the wrongs reasons, therefore not letting yourself actually feel something before sleeping with someone. Having sex is not the solution. Try seeing guys as friends, someone whose company you enjoy and just have fun. Dont use sex as a tool to move on as you are hurting/punishing yourself.
You need to join a gym, have fun but dont drink yourself into a stupor as you are causing more damage to yourself.
You allow yourself to feel the pain, which is natural and also cry but also be kind to yourself, treat yourself well and take care.
Remember we all have been hurt and we all survived and met someone that treats us a lot better. STOP being hard on yourself and you are correct the time for healing is different for everyone BUT you have to accept reality, dont hope for him to come back and just move on.
DONT destroy yourself over someone that is not worth it.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 February 2013):
 Marie: You look for - and find - lots of other things to take your attention and energy, whilest you let your amour for this guy (who sounds like a jerk, by the way) evaporate.....
Volunteer at a hospital, soup kitchen or library.... they always need help....
Take up some craft or hobby that has always piqued your interest... but which you never pulled the trigger and said, "Heck, I think I'd like to do that... and this is the time to try...".... or, take up reading great books...
ANYTHING to get this creep who you've described, out of your thoughts....
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2013): That at such a young age you became involved with such a troubled (presumably older) guy suggests that even then you have long-term deep-seated issues leaving huge psychological voids you were desperate to fill any way you could, and now you've accumulated ten years worth of baggage without resolving the issues that subconsciously motivated and drove your behavior in the first place.
Very possible that your difficulties in moving on are rooted in the factors that led you into your failed relationship at age fifteen, and if that's the cast you are going to need time to sort through and come to terms with them.
You mention your mother but not your father. If he hasn't been in the picture, that may be a starting point. Agree with R1, keep giving therapy a chance, it will take a lot of hard and difficult work on your part and it will take some time but the potential benefits are great and will last a lifetime. Besides, what do you have to lose?
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (31 January 2013):
 You feel so guilty yet he was the one who cheated and left. Where is this guilt coming from?
I know it's hard to move on. The relationship wasn't perfect - it takes 2 to make a relationship and maybe you both made mistakes. When you meet the right person things will work out and make sense. It's hard that he's moved on first but your happiness is irrelevant to his and you can find happiness as well.
Keep giving the therapy a chance.
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