A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Last week I ended my relationship with my girlfriend of 6 years.I hadn’t felt the same about her for some time, and for the last few months didn’t try to conceal the fact.I felt that I was clinging more to the situation we found ourselves in rather than her (we didn’t live together, want kids or marriage), however, the conversation dried up and the excitement and enthusiasm of seeing and doing things with her had gone for me, as did also the affection.We talked the previous week and agreed to take some time out. I’m not a fan of breaks and didn’t want to drag it out for both our sakes so I gave it a week to gather my thoughts before ending it.Reality is starting to kick in for me however and I’m starting to doubt whether or not I have made the right choice.I’ve been down this path of splitting up when I was younger and ended up coping the worst, and I fear history will repeat itself.I don’t think I am suited to long term relationships as this is currently my second, the first ending after a similar time period.I am an only child and my parents divorced when I was much younger. My dad moved on and ultimately ended up getting divorced again, my mum on the other hand has stayed on her own ever since. I feel this has had an affect on myself and my attitude to relationships. I have never ever been able to decide what I want from them and my parents experience from when I was younger had always left me feeling wary.I am not from a large family and don’t have a large group of friends. I have always been used to being on my own, however there are always moments when I get depressed from being so and it tends to hit me hard.On the one hand I feel the relationship is still salvageable, as not long has passed and I think we could have talked it through more, and on the other I feel like I should let it be and let her move on.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (21 January 2019):
 You are in your late 30s, possibly 40. You cannot blame your parents for what happens in your life forever. Get a grip and start taking responsibility for yourself. We are all different and we are not our parents.
It takes two to make a relationship work but only one to make it crumble. Some people are very lucky and find someone they want to spend the rest of their life with, and the feelings are mutual and everything works out for them. Others are lucky and find they are happy being alone and don't need to be in a relationship to feel fulfilled. Many, like you, are not so lucky and have relationships which, for one reason or another, just don't work out.
Your last relationship had run its course. If you had not committed to each other in any way after 6 years, then you were both treading water and it was not going to happen. MAKING it happen now (because you are panicking about being alone) will, I promise you, almost certainly end in disaster. It amazes me how many times couples who have reached a "make or break" crossroads in their relationship decide to get married just so they feel the relationship is moving forward and because they are afraid to break up whereas, in fact, the relationship had already run its course and they should have split up. Invariably the relationship still splits up shortly later (usually within a couple of years), despite the fancy wedding and the wedding rings.
Accept this relationship was not working for either of you. You cannot FORCE it to work if it has run its course. Yes, you can drag it out for another few months, even another couple of years, but, inevitably, the outcome will be the same.
Be kind to yourself. Have a break before looking to get into another relationship. Work out what you need in a relationship and in a partner to be happy. Work on yourself so that someone else will find you a good partner. Take up new hobbies. Make new friends. When you meet the right person for you, you will understand why the other relationships didn't work out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2019): Don't do this to that woman. Here you are pushing 40; and you haven't committed to her. Six years, and you broke-up for what seems to be boredom.
Don't blame your parents. You have your own life, your own experiences, and make your own decisions. What they did has nothing to do with how you feel about people. You have a phobia about commitment. Period! You stick around as long as you feel a thrill. Then, when reality and the responsibilities of adulthood step-in, you decide you're ready to split.
I wonder how many times she asked or wondered when you'd decide to propose? Why would she take you back? To remain your perpetual forevermore girlfriend? Until she ages and loses her youthfulness; and you once again get bored?
Now you feel a little lonely, and you think you can just give her some lame apology; and pickup where you left-off. You just broke-up with her. Your reasons seem to suggest you were just bored with her.
Dude, seriously?!!
Tell me! If you go back, what's going to be any different?
It's all centered around you and your feelings. If she takes you back, she's not too smart.
What do you miss? Get a pet.
Is she the one who didn't want kids or marriage, or was it really your idea? It got boring, because she's all grown-up; and not much of a good playmate anymore.
You're not kids anymore; and hanging-out isn't what it used to be.
Let her move on. Work on yourself a little, and enjoy a little freedom. If you're not ready to settle-down, don't hold her back.
She didn't get to tell us her side. I bet she would want a ring, and a wedding. Maybe a family someday. She probably lied to keep you around. If you told her the same story about your family that you told us, she tried to let you have your way. Women often make sacrifices in the name of love. Hoping time might change things.
Salvageable? You're not restoring a vintage vehicle. You're talking about somebody's feelings.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 January 2019):
 OP, How come after 6 years of dating you two weren't "further along"? Weren't living together? Talking marriage? SHARING your lives?
I guess you CAN say that your upbringing has some effect on you, but you are NOT your father, nor living their lives, but your own. Without looking at your parents marriage, LOOK at yourself. Take responsibility. Can't blame your parents for YOU not being able to have a long term relationship, I feel it is a cop out to "blame" your parents for that. While it might have made your more cautious, no doubt, YOUR relationships and friendships are ON you.
What exactly did you end it over? Is it REALLY fixable? And how would you go about it?
Or are you just worried if you can't make this work you will be alone like your mother?
If you think it's salvageable, maybe COUPLE's counseling would be an idea. That way someone OUTSIDE of your relationship can help guide the two of you to which issues you both need to work on together.
A long term relationship is NOT going to be entertaining 24/7. However, just walking away every time it's not, it's helpful either. After 6 years I KNOW that there is a familiarity, a being used to each other, it's not that exciting. But then you ADD to it, with SHARED experiences. Like trying a new hobby, vacations, remodeling the home, getting a pet or whatever floats your boat.
You made the choice to just walk. Why? Because it's easier than actually working on issues? A week apart is not going to fix ANYTHING. Taking that week to IDENTIFY what each of you see as issues and then TALKING about then and then WORKING on them, might be.
Both parties have to be in agreement (somewhat) and BOTH have to be willing to make the effort, work and compromises to make it work. Doesn't mean it WILL work.
You have to decide WHAT you want. And if it's work on it, hopefully SHE feels the same.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 January 2019):
 You have to decide if you are depressed because you are single, or because you are in a bad relationship. I believe you get in relationships because you think you need the female energy to balance yourself and to feel good. If you can harness that energy which is within you, then you no longer need to depend on anyone to make you happy. Also you won't resent having that need then wanting to break free again. If you decide that relationships are what you want and that it can enrich your life, then you need to compromise on the fact that it can't always be exciting.
Any women who is wise would not wish this was salvageable, because if you can break up now, you can certainly do that again in the future.
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