A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hi, i desperately need some advice, i have been with my partner for over 3 years now and then i found out that before i met him he used to download illegal porn and sell for money, as he said he needed the money. I found out that he lied on a few occasions about staying at other females while with me. His family don't like me, why i don't know, I have welcomed them into my house and tried very hard, now none will talk to me, i don't know why. He always keeps his phone in the car or out of reach and even if by accident he brings it in the house, it is always switched off. I have asked why and he says he doesn't want his mother or anyone bothering us when we are together. There was a lot of things i found inappropriate what he said to me when i first met him of a sexual nature, i told him that i didn't like being spoken to like that and asked him to stop. Of which it didn't for a while until a said i would end the relationship. If we ever can across a disagreement, he would'nt sort it out in a mature manner, he would verbally call me and leave, but even then he would send calls me horrible things in texts and cut my phone off one time, and other physical things have happened. He has since changed slighlty, ie, he doesn't leave any more, then again he is 45 on a very low income and has no other abode. Not sure if that is his reason. The fact is I am not so sure with all his behaviiour if I still trust him 100% after calling datelines, staying at another females houses and all sorts of lies and hiding his phone. My trust has got a lot better towards him, but once in a blue moon(maybe twice in the last year) I do ask about other women, i don't go on and I ask him in the right manner, except his reply is as always, no matter what I ask, angry, nasty tone, of which he never has a very nice tone towards me anyway and says here I go again and he is sick of it and goes on nasty to me. I am then blamed for no matter what has happened whether it is asking him about another woman or any anything else that might occur in our relationship. He won't speak to me about it and try and sort it out and if he does, it is usually by text only. He can ignore me for days, even when I try and speak, he still won't, it actually makes me feel frightened, I don't know why. I am now at the stage where I am wondering is it me, as I am really not sure. I have had bad previous relationships and maybe it is me. I feel very very low self asteem and have been for a while and don't really sure whether this is me or him making me feel like this, please advice, thanks in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionupdate, nothing has canged at all since last speaking, except the fact that he doesn't do anything for me ie take me out buy me gifts anything, i cant even remember the last time i went out. He doen't want to do anything, but come home from work( of which he is only a driver)and sit with his feet up on table all night, he never ever offers to cook a meal for once or even do anything else. I have to tell he do to everything has he never thinks for him self to do it. even down to making sure his own bills are paid.He does want to do anything at all.I have had talk after talk after talk and all he does is get funny. when i asked him to take me out now and again even if its just twice a year he replied by saying "i have better things to spend my money on". oh yeah he did a loan for a land rover.
i have no confidence left at all.please adavice :(
A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (1 October 2009):
 Anyone subjected to emotional abuse would feel depressed.
Depression is often anger turned inwards. You are angry. THAT is a NORMAL reaction. However depression is counter-productive to well-being. Using your anger as a tool to aid you in leaving him can lead you to a new path and that path leads to happiness, self-confidence and peace of mind.
You are stuck in a "go-nowhere" rut and staying there will lead you further into depression and self-doubt. It will never get better.
Making changes is easy. DECIDING to make changes is the hard part. It sounds like you have some thinking to do.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi, everyone thank you so so much for all your reply's, you have all been so fantastic.The problem i have just realised though since last talking to you is that i am suffering depression and have been doctors they have gave me something,also i had a few friends around where i live, as i don't come from here originally,lived here 8 years though, anyway the few friends i did have when i meet them, i have no longer, one being his sister. he came to me when i first meet him and told me that his sister(my friend at the time) was using me and said she had called me some nasty things. anyway me and his sister didn't manage to sort it out and now i have no friends also i have no family around or even close to where i live now,. They live well over 70 miles away and i don't get to see them much as i have no transport, though he does take me down to see them occasionally.Also i am worried about my own behaviour as when he gets like he does and ignores me etc etc, it actually as got to the stage where he makes me feel like a nonbody a piece of s--- and so now i even call him back, not nice things either the b word and some others, i just feels like nothing/ a nobody/ a piece of s-- to him as he his never willing to sort anything out, what is happening to me, i don't want to react this way, is my reaction normal.so many thanks in advance xx
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (25 September 2009):
 It is an abusive relationship and hes a dick. You should end it for the simple fact that you don't need people dragging you down. he does not respect you so why would love you?
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A
female
reader, Aunty Emily +, writes (25 September 2009):
listen to your intuition-if you are frightened of him at times it's for a reason-I got the same feeling about someone once and it turned out there was something worth being scared about.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): It is common to go from one abusive relationship to another - especially as your self-esteem continues therefore to be low and you accept a degree of abuse. Please try to break free from this cycle. What you describe is heartbreaking and I know from my own experience. Please have a look at www.hiddenhurt.co.uk and see if you can get some help. Although you might feel this is a step too far I experuienced emotional abuse and contacted Women's Aid - they confirmed by email that what I was experiencing was wrong and it gave me the courage to leave.
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A
male
reader, called Steve +, writes (23 September 2009):
 Firstly - it's not you.He is playing you for a fool... emotionally and financially.Although you may not be the most favourite person in his families eyes... you are with him, not his family. Maybe you are trying to straighten him out - which by your side of the story he needs.He needs ultimatums - transparencies are very important for a fruitful relationship. By allowing him to run roughshod over you is setting a precedence like this you are sowing seeds which will bear the fruit - only moreso!Good luck!Steve S
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 September 2009):
NO! It's not you at all.
He makes you feel frightened? A boyfriend is supposed to do the complete opposite. And when you try to talk to him he gets nasty? He's supposed to listen. This guy sounds pretty horrific to be honest. Men very rarely change, so I don't think this guy has really. He's going to lie to you and hurt you. Please get rid of him.
Your low self esteem will be a problem for you, because if you don't feel worthy of a better guy, you will settle for rubbish. You can build your self esteem up. The first thing to do is to dump him and get yourself to couselling to try and just feel good about yourself. Then find yourself a good hobby that makes you feel good about yourself and go from there. Don't be in a rush to find another guy either. Bad men sense vulnerable women and prey on them. Give yourself time to heal, and when you feel great about yourself, socialize with good guys. There are some out there. Lots of luck. x
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (23 September 2009):
You obviously do have a self-esteem issue. Women who are confident in themselves do not allow themselves to be used by men.
His family probably doesn't like you because he has lied to them about you. He is engaging in behaviour with women that you would not approve of. His phone is off so you won't see who he calls and who calls him and it is not his family. He doesn't want to talk about things and "everything is your fault" because the "Best Defense is a Good Offense". He may have affection for you, but he certainly has no respect.
The good news is you CAN gain self-esteem. Your first step would be to show yourself you deserve better. Leave his things by the curb, and tell him he no longer has to worry about keeping his secrets from you.
He may feel desperate enough to lie in order to come back into your home. Be aware they are lies and nothing will ever improve. All that you have to gain from further contact with him is heart-ache and a self-esteem that continues to diminish.
If you ever feel sad and lonely and wonder if you made the right decision, focus your mind instead to what relationships SHOULD be like and that you WILL HAVE one just like that, but only if you start by being good to yourself.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (23 September 2009):
 You poor thing, my heart goes out to you. I would say this. What is it you want me to say exactly? This is a terrible situation you've got yourself into, and now i'd be concentrating on how you're going to get yourself out of it.
Is this the best relationship you've had? Have you had it even worse in the past? I would go and get some counselling asap about why you do this to yourself and stop wasting valuable energy on figureing this guy out.
Hes awful!! Plain and simple and you'll never find the magic key to get him to be a good boyfriend EVER!!
Get yourself away from him and then don't get into it with anyone else for a long time. This way the next guy you meet won't be a messed up misogynist, and you can have a happy life. Thats what relatonships are supposed to be hun, HAPPY.
Seems to me you think its all about suffering. Men are not the be all and end all of existence. Good luck x
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