A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It's been 8 days since our BU. We were together for almost 5 years and he wasn't good for me. He brought out the absolute worst in me. I don't think he cared about me anymore as he deliberately done things to hurt/piss me off. I broke it off last Thursday morning and blocked/deleted him from everything.Last Sunday I've deactivated ALL of my online social media. The last time we broke up and I blocked him, he made a new account and slowly made his way back in within the 3 months we were apart. To prevent that from happening again I've deactivated everything. This way he can't find me and it looks as if I don't exist. I figured this is the best way until I'm over it and know that IF he ever did contact me I'll have already become indifferent. So hopefully by the time I do reactivate I'll be over him. I know right now that it would bother me whether he did or didn't contact me so I'm doing this to kind of protect myself. I don't have a way to "look" to see if he's messaged me or not. He just can't and this helps, tremendously.I've stopped looking at his online profiles. I was having a hard time with this the first few days. I was fighting a terrible urge to snoop. The last time I looked was on Tuesday night and I've been doing good since then. The last time we broke up we were checking on each other numerous times a day. This time I'm not. I've deleted the "fake" account that I was using so now it's more difficult to snoop. I'd have to go through the hassle of creating a new account and it isn't worth it.I still miss him and haven't cried in a few days. I still feel lonely and empty. I wonder what he's doing and who he's doing it with. Writing this right now is making me feel like breaking down but I'm just looking for some support. When do we start to feel whole again? When will I become indifferent? I feel like I've done everything I can thus far to help me move on. I just want to be over him. I want to feel.... nothing. I want to be able to think of him making love to someone else and not break down in tears.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2015): I'm having a really hard time right now. I did good for the last couple of days and now I have been crying since I posted this thread yesterday. Everything of mine is still deactivated so there's been no contact. I got no sleep last night because he's all I can think of. I keep playing the relationship over in my mind wondering what I did wrong that would make him treat me so horrible the last few months.The last time I broke up with him I was moving on much easier than I am now. I think one reason I'm having a hard time this round is because I really don't know what happened. Did he meet someone else? Things like that are going through my mind and I feel like there's no closure. I feel like he got tired of me and started being mean in order to get me to leave him, which is what happened last time. This hurts like hell. I'm not trying to be a nuisance, I'm just writing out my feelings.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2015): Your feelings don't have a switch; so you can't instantly turn your emotions on and off.
You have a five year history together; and attachments to other people are bonded and cemented by chemical-changes in the brain. So reversing that brain-chemical process, is much like going cold-turkey to kick an addictive-drug. The withdrawal from an emotional-attachment to a person, is the same as withdrawal from heroine or cocaine. The exact same area of the brain has to undergo that process of reabsorbing and distracting the brain-chemicals/hormones that bonded the emotional connection you have to your boyfriend. No more love-drugs, oxytocin and serotonin. The the process now works in reverse. You feel the agony of withdrawal, just like a drug.
Getting-over someone varies by personality; and the reason for the breakup. The more you want to get over him, the faster you will. You had to stop giving-in to the urge to snoop; because you were getting "little fixes" by satisfying your cravings by at least being aware of his activities and by reading his updates. You were taking the messages "personally;" as if whatever you read or saw was directly sent to you. When in-fact, you were spying. The jealousy is residual; and there is still a sense of "possessiveness." That will fade with time.
It has only been eight days. You'll just have to keep yourself busy, do things that give you pleasure, and immerse yourself in your job. If your closets need organizing, you have things you've been procrastinating on, now's the time to get to it. Contact family-members you've been out of touch with for awhile, and get reacquainted. Catch-up on friends you've been neglecting to call or visit. A busy mind seldom dwells on a single thought.
Don't expect immediate disconnection from a five-year relationship. You only miss him; because the jealous little voice in your head keeps nagging at you that he's getting over you, and might find somebody else. It's also making you second-guess your decision; which makes absolutely no sense.
You've broken-up before, reconciled; only to return to the same cycle of dysfunction. Because of your difficulty dealing with "withdrawal" to your addiction to his drama and annoyance. Your "dependency" on being in a relationship with a man; only to have someone to lean on. He was annoying and disrespectful; but you got used to the "predictable routine." The fear of loneliness and boredom will make you rationalize that what you had wasn't so bad. That's a lie. You keep breaking-up.
You're incompatible, a bad-match, and it wasn't working.
You were settling for the bullshit out of shear laziness.
You don't want to have to get out there and start-over.
So you kept recycling the same old emotional bullsh*t with the same old assh*le.
Trust me. Your mind will start to enjoy living drama-free.
You need the peace and quiet, even if it does make you cry.
Go ahead and cry. Your tear-ducts will tire of you over-working them. Then comes "numbness." That is your subconscious allowing your mind to take a break from stress and ruminating on the same old thoughts about him. In the back of your mind, you're sick of the very thought of him; even though you try to force-feed it crap about how you miss him. That's really healthy. You have to step-back to analyze things logically. You've allowed emotions to work over-time. That's why you're miserable. Common-sense takes over and will tell you to get a grip! So...get a grip, girlfriend! I'm not talking out my whazzu here. I know what you're going through, because I've been there.
Now you're afraid of loneliness and the unknown. Scared of having to start-over from scratch. Stop letting "loneliness" scream in your head. When he was there, you fought all the time. Listen to the crickets! It's blissful and peaceful for a change.
Well, staying together was miserable. You got on each others nerves. You don't miss him, you are addicted to the habitual-routine of a relationship. Even though it was bad for you.
New flash...there is life outside being in a relationship.
Most of your best self-improvements occur when you can concentrate on yourself, and fulfill your own needs. Then when you find that quality-person you deserve, they are getting what they deserve. The best of you!
Let your emotions flow. Don't fight anything but urges to contact him, talk about him, or daydream about the past.
Letting-go is one-part involuntary...the subconscious has to accept he is gone for good. The rest is pure effort and determination on your part, to move on. Sit down and write down all the sh*t he said and did that pissed you off. All the times he ignored you, swore at you, called you names, slammed doors in your face, or laughed at you when you were upset. You don't miss any of that.
Concentrate on you. Not him. You have to shake loose from his hold and break the chains. The only power he has over you, is what you keep giving him. Freedom allows you space to grow, too seek your own happiness, to be independent.
We were not always intended to be half of a couple. We have to be alone in order to progress and expand our horizons; and to improve ourselves in anticipation for someone better. To become better people once we realize the things about ourselves that ruined past relationships. If you keep trying to fix something that keeps breaking, that means it is irreparable and a waste of time. You can't live a life of dependency on relationships; because you're not strong enough to live your own life without a boyfriend for a crutch. Sometimes you have to be your own woman and your own best friend. You'll start feeling "indifferent" when you start "healing." All wounds take time. That includes the mind, as well as the body.
I know everyone nowadays demands immediate gratification.
You'll have to bypass that sense of entitlement, and the impatience that demands that everything be done yesterday.
Feelings don't change in a hurry; but you can speed-up your recovery by focusing on making yourself HAPPY!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 March 2015):
 It's only been 8 days. You were together for 5 YEARS. So it will take a while to move along.
Deactivating social media, getting a new phone-number, changing your locks AND passwords is a good start.
I think getting OUT of the house, spending time with people you CARE for (family & friends) will also help you curb the urges to snoop or check up on him.
HE was a BIG part of your life for a good number of years, you may NEVER feel totally indifferent to him. ACCEPT that.
You ended it for a reason. THAT reason is valid. ACCEPT that.
They call it:
The 7 Stages of Grieving a Breakup
1. Desperate For Answers - WHY did it happen. You may never find the right answer, but knowing you two didn't WORK is a start.
2. Denial - I can't BELIEVE we couldn't make it work!! Again once you accept that it DIDN'T work and THAT is OK, it will make it easier.
3. Bargaining - I will DO better (that was what HE did when he wormed his way back into your heart before) SO it's ESSENTIAL to you keep the NO CONTACT.
4. Relapse (you have already DONE this when you took him back) So feel free to skip that stage!!
5. Anger. Mad at him, mad at you, mad at the world. Allow this process, but don't let it hold you back.
6. Initial Acceptance - when you fist break up and know it' the right thing to do.
7. Redirected Hope - you start to ACTUALLY believe the break up was good and that you DESERVE better.
Now GRIEF doesn't always COME in a certain ORDER, SENSE or RHYME.
HOW you deal with it, is what WORKS for you. BUT don't think you can snap your fingers and boom all emotions and feelings for him will be gone.
And last but not least, YOU can do this. BILLIONS have gone through break ups before you and goodness knows how many will AFTER you.
Chin up and ACCEPT that it WAS the right decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2015): Thanks for your reply, MSA. I'm bawling my eyes out right now but hopefully once the tears flow I'll be okay. I don't even know why I'm crying. He was horrible to me at the end and had NOTHING going for him. No job, no car, no house (he's sleeping on a twin size mattress on the floor in his friend's basement). He has NOTHING to offer me, nor any girl for that matter and I try telling myself, over and over, that I'm better off. I used to be happy, bubbly and so confident. Now I'm the opposite. I became jealous, clingy, needy and bitchy. I became so uptight you couldn't pull a needle out of my ass with a tractor. The last time we broke up I was finding myself again. I started feeling happy and care free, until I took him back. He was great the first couple of months then he started being an asshat again.I love the guy for what he once was.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (20 March 2015):
 So sorry to hear this. I commend you for being wise enough to know it's time to move on and strong enough to do it! Good job!
5 years is a long time. You won't forget so soon or easily. It's going to take some time.. maybe even a couple of years. But trust me, it will get better one day.
You will have days where you'll breeze through everything. It will almost seem as though you are completely over him and have moved on. Then there will be days where you will miss him, cry all day, hate him, regret things, etc. You will experience all of that. Just remember to let the feelings flow. It is part of the healing process.
One day, this shall all come to pass!
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