A
female
age
30-35,
*ennybobenny
writes:Hello,I was dating a wonderful, respectable man for about a month. I'm 23 and he's 30. We met on a dating site; he made contact first and was very interested in me. We exchanged lengthy messages on the site for a few weeks before meeting. Once we finally met, we clicked very well. Our personalities meshed well together and we enjoyed each other's company. The trouble is, he admitted to being very shy, insecure and inexperienced in relationships. Before me, he hadn't dated in 8 years (his ex has since gotten married). I was also the first girl he dated outside his social circle. He always expressed his concern about trying to make me happy and worrying that I would get bored of him or that he wouldn't be able to please me. After our fourth date, we attempted to have sex, but because of his nervousness, he was unable to become erect and was very embarrassed and ashamed. I was totally understanding and let him know that there was no pressure to please me and that everything was okay.Things seemed to be moving well, as we started making plans for our near future, and talking about being together. However, all of a sudden, he called me today and broke up with me, saying that he somehow felt that our relationship wouldn't work out in the long run, despite the fact that we got along very well and were infatuated with each other. He was unable to cite any particular reason for his feeling, and simply said "Literally, there's nothing wrong with you, it's me." I've always been laid back and accommodating, so I haven't done anything to make him believe he's inadequate in any way. However, he has always seemed insecure about his ability to make me happy and opened up about his inexperience in relationships.Am I right in assuming that his insecurity is leading him to believe that he can't please me? What can I do? He was the best man I've ever dated and simply don't want to lose him so easily, especially if it's because of a misunderstanding on his part.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 November 2012):
 he sounds a lot like my hubby... note he's my hubby.
but when we met he told me he was just in it for fun and games and he was not the type of man who was ever getting married...
honey he's just not that into you...
and the 'its me not you" is correct... in that you are a wonderful person.. your just not HIS wonderful person.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): No you're not right OP.
He gave you the classic "it's not you it's me".
He's just not into and that's that, don't take it personally and don't for one second try to explain it away with any kind of reasons and keep your hopes up. He's just not into you.
We can't exactly say sorry but you're not my type and I gave it a go but you just don't do it for me.
We just do the 'it's not you it's me' and we move on.
With all due respect to Chi and Cindy, it's nothing to do with any deeper meaning or anything like that. It's just a guy who gave you a go and decided you weren't for him.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 November 2012):
 I would have to second all that Chigirl says , because it makes perfect sense. I would. Only, being the mistrustful b..h I am, I can't help notice he gave one more variation of the old " it's not you, it's me ", so to me what he says implies also other stuff.
" It's not you , it's me " is a lie, per se , by definition. Nobody is so enlightened, selfless, generous to let go something they really care about because maybe down the road they could not be the best chpice for the other person. So, no, don't believe him, he has a problem with you, not with himself.
He is simply saying " I don't like you enough to stay, and deal with my performance anxiety and social awkwardness. If I stayed with you, things would be resolved with effort, time, patience and communication, but it sounds like a lot of work, and I don't feel serious and motivated enough for such effort ".
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 November 2012):
 You're trying to save the "man in distress". Don't. Men in distress will always be in distress, and the only ones who can help them are themselves. Until he becomes confident ON HIS OWN there is nothing you can do about it. Nor should you want to be in a relationship with a man who early on expresses how shy and embarassed he is about himself. Because that is a red flag. Trust me, I'm a sucker for the "man in distress" myself. Whenever I meet a man who's at a bad place in life, I have this urge to come to the rescue, heal him, nourish him, make him feel better about himself. And to what result? I get dumped once they grow some confidence/once they discover a bit of who they are and have a need to go explore themselves without a girlfriend on their back.
Really. No. Just don't go there. If a man can't stand with his back straight and tell you he wants you, and then put up a fight in order to keep you, then don't accept it. You're not a toy he can test out and play with, and then throw away if he thinks it gets too difficult for his fragile nerves.
This is not a misunderstanding. He probably was the best boyfriend ever, you probably could have had a great relationship, if only he had some backbone and confidence in himself. But he lacks this. And sorry, there is nothing you can do, because this needs to come from himself. If he is not willing to fight for you NOW, when things are going GOOD, then imagine what would happen as soon as you hit a bump in the road, as soon as you disagree about anything, as soon as you have an argument with him. You will get dumped each and every time. Although, I don't call it being dumped as much as I call it "he ran off with his tail between his legs".
You can't chase a man who's too scared to be in a relationship with you. If you chase him, he'll freak out even more and it'll just get worse. Think of him like a scared animal, maybe he is wounded, maybe he does need healing. But animals don't go to humans to heal, they hide away, to themselves, and lick their wounds in private. This is what this guy needs: to heal on his own and grow on his own. Without you.
If he ever gets ready, then he'll come to you. But I wouldn't place too much hope on that thought.
And trust me on this one: it is a waste of time and energy to try to clear up any "misunderstandings" about how much he needs to please you. There is no misunderstanding. You have been very clear on things. It is all in his head. This is something he's unable to grasp, and no, you can't help him understand something he doesn't want to understand. Look, he walked away. If he wanted to understand, if he wanted to try, if he wanted you, he'd talk to you, try to understand, let you help him. But he walked away. That makes him a douchebag, yes. Don't pity him and feel sorry6 for him, he played with your heart because he's unable to feel concerned about anyone but himself. Don't be fooled by his "I'm trying to make you happy", that's just a line. The real meaning is "It is too much of a bother trying to make you happy". I mean you were happy! He did make you happy! He just didn't want to keep it up any more. It's not about you at all, it's about his inabilities.
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