A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for 5 years and I really love her. However for the last year I have only seen her at weekends due to work. We live an hour and a half from each other and driving to her's (and vice versa) daily is not an option due to traffic.Problem is I feel guilty becuase I sometimes think if I made better decisions I wouldn't be in this situation. But looking back we are in the position we are because of unforeseen circumstances. I graduated at a time when recession was horrendous and there was only work in power (I'm a civil engineer) which I wasn't really fussed about. I spent 12 months away (came back at weekends) and came back as I hated it. Spent 18 months together then my GF gets a job as a vet and I switched to rail. The last 12 months have been really difficult. We have been together for 5 years and I plan to move offices so that I'm 30 mins from her practice. But I feel like considering she wants to work abroad for 6 months in several years time after some experience, we will be in same situation. In 2 years I will be 30 so I feel our relationship has been more difficult than the usual couple and I sometimes just want to scream because I absolutely hate that we are not together.How can I get over this guilt? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (4 December 2015):
The question is, why are you guilty? This is just what it’s like in a longish-distance relationship. You can’t see each other except at weekends and for some couples, contact is on an even less frequent basis even than this. So, there’s no need for you to feel guilty, especially if she plans to go abroad anyway in the future. You’re hardly abroad, are you? The problem is that it sounds like your lives are going in separate directions. If this is going to step up a gear in terms of commitment, it’s going to take big compromises on her part, particularly in relation to her plans to go abroad. You are making yours by trying to move offices, but as things stand you’re simply going to end up back in a LDR sooner or later, and this time I won’t exactly be able to call it “longish-distance.”
I think you mustn’t rush anything, but must clearly think through yourself where you feel you need this relationship to go, and by when. When you say that you hate that you’re not “together,” what do you mean? Do you mean living together? Being in much closer proximity? Because you are together in that you’re a couple. IS that what you want? Heart of hearts, can you deal with her working abroad and that level of distance? Is weekend, and at some point a less frequent basis than that, simply not enough for you? I think once you know (having been really honest with yourself) what your non-negotiables are, you’ve got something to talk to her about. She may well have her own expectations of you and of the relationship, and the sad truth is that you might not be able to reconcile them. Plenty of couples part on good terms because, after a lot of talking, they just want different things from life. Whether you’ll end up as one of them, neither you nor I know yet. But, it does sound to me like you’re looking at the problems in the relationship and the frustration you feel, and for some reason your answer is “It’s my fault.” This is why you feel guilty, but it doesn’t make sense. Perhaps you’re afraid to ask whether you’re compatible anymore and to start giving that some serious thought, but only in answering that question will you find the answer to your problem.
I wish you all the very best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2015): You shouldn't feel guilty about it, she's in the same position as you having to work miles away from where you live.
I work terrible hours, it's really unsociable working days, nights and afternoons. I have to work every single weekend and I'm working Christmas day which really sucks. I hardly see my boyfriend and we never get a full day off together. I don't have two days off in a row either. My boyfriend gets a bit annoyed with it.
But when we are together it's good! Distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that, less chance of arguing and appreciating the time you have together.
I'm working on getting a different job and changing the situation so as long as you know you are working on fixing this it will only be a temporary situation feeling like this. She wants to go abroad but that would only be for 6 months, that's hardly any time in the grand scheme of things.
I wouldn't say you have a more difficult relationship than the usual couple, you don't say you have any other problems with each other, you sound as though you love her. Read some of the questions on here, some people have pretty abnormal relationships compared to this.
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