A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK, I am wondering if you can help me. To make it short and simple, there is this young woman at my job who I have become friends with. I like her very much, as she is very smart, reflective, and has strong values, and we have a lot in common. However, due to religious differences, we can never go further than friends. She is a devout Muslim, and I am a religious Catholic.It's somewhat frustrating for me, as I rarely meet a woman whom I click with as much as her. But she knows I am looking for a woman of my own faith, as I know she is, too.However, our relationship continues to grow closer. I am happy about this, as I like her company very much, but I also feel more and more uncomfortable about the boundaries between us. I always sense a kind of tension, and I feel more and more self-conscious when we meet. So I am wondering about having the "conversation," i.e., telling her explicitly where I stand. I would like to be honest, and tell her that I think she is a wonderful person, and I would of course like to date her, but my dedication to my religion would not allow for that, as would hers.Now, before any liberal-minded folks get annoyed and think I am being prejudiced, let me explain that both our faiths demand a lot of time and dedication at our respective places of worship, and so on just a practical level it would be impossible. So my questions are: Do I have the conversation, or let the topic remain implicit? Am I opening up a can of worms which could make her feel bad or destroy our friendship? Or will expressing real feelings actually serve to strengthen our relationship?Thank you in advance for any thoughts/advice.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2013): Simply put...If you believe in GOD as I do...if he wanted both of you together, your beliefs would not be a question. If your religion is a problem now, what would it be like if your family gets involved??? Do not ever get into a relationship where serving GOD becomes a problem. Because if you put anything before GOD........You lose.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 September 2013):
 Ahem.. risking to sound pedantic : it seems to me that some posters don't realize well how it works with Islam and interfaith marriages.
Muslim MEN can marry " people from the book " ( Christians and Jewish women ). These women do not even have to convert , ( although of course they are often encouraged to do that ) . This kind of marriage is allowed and acceptable .
Muslim WOMEN can only marry Muslim men. ( Yeah, nice double standard .)The very idea of marrying out of their faith is sinful, abominable and " haram " - forbidden.
That applies to any Muslim in any country in the world.
Therefore, if she is a DEVOUT Muslim, she won't even dream of having anything serious with a Christian. And, if she is a devout Muslim,... she also probably would not entertain the idea to have anything LESS than serious with any guy ( although, there are many unofficial, on the downlow exceptions to that :) Until nobody knows and sees... everything is fine ).
Of course, there are Muslim women , that , born and raised into Muslim families, still grow up laically and liberally minded, do not identify with their religious upbringing , and choose to break the rules , by marryng a non Muslim ( and often paying a hefty price in social / community / family ostracism and alienation, if not worse ). But, I don't think anybody would describe them as " devout " Muslims - they will be secular or agnostic persons who do not practice / do not believe their family's religion, or maybe any religion.
Ergo, if she is a devout Muslim ( i.e. a believer and regularly practicing her faith with all its obligations ) , ...the OP knows already, I imagine , that showing her anything more than camaraderie between two coworkers, , is a big ,inappropriate waste of HER time and his .
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (16 September 2013):
In my country people of different religions end up together. These couples last because they choose to not force the other into their own religion. You don't have to be liberal to see the obvious - communication is the most important thing in a relationship and how partners communicate their religion is equally the same as communicating any other experience he/she wants to share.
Different faiths do require a lot of time when you are devout in it but the same can be said with couples that have enduring and life long hobbies, so you shouldn't make excuses of things that have not even surfaced. Although I can understand that this woman is sending butterflies your way and she is making you think about everything in the future. Try to bring yourself back to the present instead of over thinking things.
This is just something you have to ask yourself, if you can handle being with someone of different religion. The only can of worms I see, is if she rejects you and decides to stop being friends...but usually this happens if religion isn't involved as well.
If you are worried about being judged by other people then maybe this isn't something you pursue.
My advice would be to just spend some more time to get to know her and decide if she is someone you do want to pursue. And if you do think she is partner-worthy then don't hesitate. If not then I hope you enjoy your friendship with her.
All the best!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (16 September 2013):
 I read only the first four paragraphs of you submittal. Having done that, I knew that you were hopelessly lost... and both you and "G/F" were not sufficiently independent and adult to ask THE MOST IMPORTANT question of all. That is:
"Why would two consenting adults.... who seem to have love for one-another.... agree to let RELIGION - in whatever form - scuttle that love???? .... when "religions" are supposed to be about people getting along.... loving one another???.... and are NOT supposed to "be about" justifying how and why two (or any number of) people NOT GETTING along with one-another.....
IF you're content to look ONLY for women within your religion... and she, to look ONLY at men within her religion... then WHY would you waste even one moment ruminating about the question that you posed herein????
I think "religion" is 'way overblown as a source of "guidance" in life....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (15 September 2013):
 If you're sincerely telling me that you cannot see each other because of your religions and that you both feel so strongly about your faiths that a relationship wouldn't work then why bother writing this letter? All you can do is draw a line under this and move on.
Just a point to note, you say you're a Catholic and she's a Muslim. Both religions honour the same set of ethics, honouring the family, beneficence, non maleficence, loving thy neighbour, living in peace and respecting the world we live in, just for starters.
I have some Muslim friends and they are devout in their beliefs but they have no problems with people of a different faith. What one guy friend said to me is "I have no problem with people who have another faith providing they are true to it, what I can't abide is people who say they are a Christian but who don't follow the faith sincerely". By the way that guy is married to a Christian woman and they have 2 beautiful boys who are growing up respecting both religions, it's wonderful!
Excuse my ignorance but I thought your faiths were about acceptance and love and that it was generally agreed EVERYONE is each other neighbour and we should all respect each other regardless of creed, colour or religion.
You are using your religions to put a barrier there saying that the amount of time they take up would make it unworkable. Rubbish, if you want something badly enough, you'd find a way to make it work.
I say talk to her. Find out what she thinks and wants and if she's on the same page as you, talk it through and find the answer.
In my opinion you both worship the same God you just call him by a different name and are guided by a different holy book but they basically say the same thing and those things are all good. You are both God's children, accept it.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 September 2013):
...And if I was born in USA, I could be the next USA President. But since I was not, I am not investing my money and energies in campaigning.It is what it is. You can't/ wont' date her, and you can bet she is perfectly aware of that, and from her side there is even MORE awareness that there can't be anything serious / permanent between you. While the Catholic Church is somewhat open to the concept of interfaith marriages, providing that some conditions are respected, for a Muslim woman there is NO interfaith marriage . She can only marry another Muslim. And if she is a DEVOUT Muslim, the very concept of " dating " - for fun, for experience, for companionship before she meets the right one - will be totally alien to her.
I doubt therefore that she is not already well aware that there cannot be anything between you , and IMO there is no need to state the obvious.
I wonder what you think you'd accomplish with your declaration- to whom nothing can follow but awkwardness . It's a bit like saying to a married woman " If you weren't married I'd date you ". Yes, but she IS married, and she does not know what to do with your open declaration of sexual / romantic interest. It's just troubling / embarassing. More so, if she is also interested ,but does not want to stray from her life path.
The best thing to dispel this " tension " you are talking about, would be to bring back firmly your relationship within the boundaries of a friendship between colleagues.
You don't need to ignore her or to be hostile, but you also do not need to get any closer than you'd be to any other nice pleasant colleague, to spend any more time with her than necessary and to treat her differently than any other FRIEND. You ( or both ) have already decided that you are not dating material for each other- so just act like a colleague, not like a suitor.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 September 2013):
 I think you are being naive to be honest!
You say you would date her but would not go beyond friendship?...yeah well theres a bad idea right off the bat.
If your religion is such a big deal for you, there is NO WAY you would have allowed the friendship to take the path that it has.
To be honest I think you have gotten involved thinking as a man rather than letting your religion to dictate, allowed this woman to think you two are getting closer and now you are going to get all 'holier than thou' on her and make her feel bad or rejected anyway. If you really were that devout, would you have even allowed this situation to develop in the first place?
So here are her choices:
To have you suddenly turn around and say 'Sorry but we are getting too close for religious comfort, so I need to drop you as a friend'
or
To have you continue to reel her in with your so called 'friendship' lapping up the attention as you go, making her think you want a relationship and then dumping her by hiding behind your faith!! letting the topic remain 'implicit' as you say = keeping her on the hook.
Also its a load of bull to say your faiths require too much time for a relationship to be possible, unless your a priest or something!!! I know lots of people of different faiths who date and have relationships and it's not a problem.
If you come from one of those families that forbids you from dating/marrying other faiths and cultures...why are you flirting and seeking attention from this lady in the first place??
Also, isn't it fair to say that Christians should strive to tell the truth? So shouldn't you tell her you are leading her up the garden path, when really you have no business being anything other than mutual work colleagues??
Stop the nonsense!! Tell her the truth and quit reeling her in.
Really??
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