A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a hard time explaining to people that my primary reason for not wanting to date or have a relationship is because I don't want sex stuff - including kissing. I generally don't even like touching skin (even my own thighs or armpits touching is uncomfortable). I like deep massages but unless you're a professional keep my shirt on and either way put some muscle into it! I used to like hot tubs but can't afford them and they're ruined unless it's at the Y and it's just parents in there while their kids play in the main pool. I don't like my hair touched unless you're a professional or friend I trust who's dying it.I do, however, severely crave prolonged hugs and cuddling fully covered but it's always ruined and straight female friends who will cuddle with other straight female friends all think I'm gross and are real standoffish when I try to make friends or get close. I want emotional bonding and intimacy and women never offer that, just men with ulterior motive.I like joking, I've been told I'm witty but never sarcastic or snarky and I'm probably too kind and too eager to see the good in others.I told a coworker who kept suggesting I give someone a chance "I'm not looking, not interested, just want to make close friends..." and she said, "OK, but keep it no strings then - sex without emotional bulkshit" I said "that's the opposite of what I want. I literally don't want sex" she got really offended and reported me for being inappropriate! Two other coworkers backed her. Yet our gay male coworker can talk about "hot" straight guts and make sexual comments all day long and it's OK? Straight female manager can talk about "black c**k and it's ok?"What's wrong? This isn't the first time similar has happened
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2023): I agree completely with YCBS and Honeypie.Your story makes no sense. I don't want to say that you are telling lies or inventing stuff, but I feel we may miss some important details or something has been related majorly out of context. I am sure there's some background to this story, which we have not been informed about.Anyway, as a generic rule of thumb, and particularly because apparently this type of accident keeps happening , - just don't tall about your sex life, or lack of the same, at work. With few exceptions of very informal workplaces, or places were you are all real friends rather than just colleagues, it looks unprofessional and inappropriate. You are there to work and to perform certain task, not to share with everybody and his sister what happens , or does not happen, in your bed.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2023): We live in a society where sexual orientation is more acceptable except people forget about asexual people. That's primarily because most people can't wrap their heads around the idea that someone would not want sex. While sex for pleasure *with no consequences) is practically an entitlement, no one really wants to do the "work" of a relationship. Since all of the things you describe that you need are considered "work" to people (the parts of a relationship that require sacrifice and giving, most people wonder "where's the reward?" To you, the relationship itself *is* the reward. That's extremely rare!
You want a deep tissue massage, pay a masseuse. You want someone to listen, give compassionate and non judgmental feedback? Pay a therapist. You want non sexual cuddling? Get a dog.
Why tell people you're ace at work? Well, it's reasonable because straight gay bi people announce their sexual orientation all day every day. All a young lady has to do is make too much eye contact and smile a little more than usual and everyone wants to help her along in "getting with him". The more she says she's not interested, the more standoffish she tries to be, the harder they try to prove her wrong.
You're lonely, needy, and starved for affection and it shows. They're preying on your vulnerabilities and acting like they're doing you a favor.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2023): If I'm supposed to keep sexual preferences to myself then why is it OK for gay steamroller bi people to be open, especially if they're making blatant sexual comments?
Since I've come out as ace, people are either really offended or they want me to justify it to their satisfaction. I really only do it if it's relevant- like to explain why I'm single and want to stay that way. I don't have friends because when I ask women to hang out they make excuses or go flir with guys and try to set me up with someone. Even if I chime in and say a guy is cute or some girl is pretty it's "OK, so not really ace then" huh? I like their face and their mannerisms @
Men just want to turn a potential friend ship into a sex thing somehow and feel led on when we hang out and I later say I'm ace. If I say right away I've been told, "you haven't met my cock" or "oh how cute, a snowflake"
I have been trying to refute various co workers attempts to get me interested in guys without mentioning sexual things but when I finally got frustrated and said that, it was a problem
Hope that clarified
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (28 October 2023):
 I'm obviously missing something here. What exactly were you reported for? How can you be reported for stating you don't want sex? Have I read something wrong?
And what do you mean when you say "This isn't the first time similar has happened"?
That aside, it's usually best to keep your personal life and your work life completely separate. Your work colleagues do not need to know about your sexual preferences. Discuss things like that with real friends outside work. That way nobody can report anything at work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2023): Some people can't stand seeing people single, especially if they seem lonely or desperate and especially if they flirt/talk about how cute someone is and so on. Her "keep it no strings" comment was rude and you should have been able to explain what she said.
The problem with not wanting sex bc you're grossed pout by touching yet want girlfriend privileges (cuddling, massages) is part of the problem. What I know about asexuals is that most of them want it both ways - the guy does all the work pursuing them and they sit and bask in it. No thank you!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 October 2023):
 Reported you for what exactly?
And if it was reported did someone TALK to you and hear your side?
It makes no sense, whatsoever.
But maybe keep private matters out of the work place around that coworker, she seems off.
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