A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I am very tired dealing with my mum because she has been complaining about my dad and the marriages for years. They have been married for more than 50 years and she never been happy but have stayed with him, He is very controlling, she can’t go out or travel without his consent, she was a full time mum but he hardly supported her financially and was unfaithful to her throughout the marriage even now at his age. Anytime I call her she always complains about him and is always the topic to discuss. Very tired of telling her to move on from him. My siblings and i have been supporting her financially and emotionally for years. but I am getting emotionally drained. Dad treatment of us was also not good when we were kids but we studied and are independent and now even also supporting Him. We tried talking to dad over the years but he is a narcissist . What to do? Think of calling home less but feeling guilty
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2023): My mother used to be nasty, so when she was like that I stopped phoning altogether, because life is too short to waste on people who take you for granted, abuse you or use you. And yes it is using you, it is using you as a dustbin for all of their hurts and resentments, with no thought to you.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (26 October 2023):
 Indulging your mother is like giving drugs to a drug addict because you feel guilty watching them suffer the withdrawal. My mother, also a 'stay at home mum' (since 1969) is the narcissist and my father an alcoholic. Both of them are profoundly self centred and both were violent, and as a teenager I was temporarily placed in foster care. Your mother is no innocent victim. She is just as selfish as your father, but it was less noticeable because she's more manipulative and his behaviour was more outrageous. Neither of your parents have brought out the best in the other, but your father did not make her what she is. A decent, well adjusted person would have had no use for someone like your father. She stayed because she believed it was in her interest to do so. It was not a sacrifice she made for her kids, but one she had her kids make for her and she manipulated you into feeling guilty about it.She has relied on family to pay her way her entire life. First her parents (to be expected when she was a child), then your father and now her kids. She has no concerns about taking your money and sucking the life out of you.I'm not suggesting you become estranged from her, but accept that BOTH of your parents care more about themselves than they do about anyone else, and adjust you relationship accordingly.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 October 2023):
 I think she just wants to vent. Now, if you don't want to listen to it (over and over again), find a reason to get off the phone.
Would one of you/your siblings be willing to take her in and have her live with you? If so, I would suggest that. She can stay married but live elsewhere.
Mostly though, I thinks she just wants to vent and FEEL like someone cares.
If calling less helps YOU, I'd do it. Or just make each phone call short and sweet, if she starts to complain, let her know you need to get off the phone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2023): You have to understand that your mom is codependant. She has never gotten help (therapy) for that and without it she cannot just snap out of it.I don't know what your siblings are like, but from what I have read your are codependent too. It's OK to help out financially (if it's not interfering with you needs), but you don't have to get involved in HER (THEIR) drama. That's the codependent part. I am speaking from experience, because I was brought up to be codependent too. It took a while to get a grip on it and stop getting involved in other people's problems. Yes. Even our parents are "other people" in this context. Guilt is also a telltale sign of codependancy. There's no reason for you to feel that way and yet here you are.Read up on it. Narcissists choose codependant partners (friends too!) and raise codependant children. And yes. Codependant poeple seek codependant relationships, because they have to unlearn the old patterns and learn healthier ones.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (26 October 2023):
 There comes a point where you just have to accept that people often like to complain but don't want to change things. Its almost like they love dwelling in their misery. My story is similar to yours. My parents were married for 53 years before my father passed away. My father was a sweet and quiet man and my mother basically just walked all over him. She wasn't happy ever that I can remember and she made everyone else unhappy too. My sister and I used to beg my parents to get divorced. As I got older all I ever heard was how miserable she was, what a bad man my dad was. So divorce!! I talked to each of them seperately but for whatever reason, they wouldn't divorce. Everyone would have been so much happier if they had! 3 months after my father passed away my mom found her "first love" and moved in with him. She has done nothing but trash my father for the past 10 years since his death and yet she isn't happy with the "love of her life" either..they fight like cats and dogs! When she starts trash talkng my dad, I suddely have to get off the phone. I refuse to let her talk trash about a man that was always good and kind to all of us.
My advice? Do what makes you happy and realized you can't change your parents. If it stresses you out, then don't call home so much. If they talk trash about each other, end the conversation.
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