A
male
age
36-40,
*3ConfusedOne23
writes:I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a year and some months now. We were great, happy doing things always together. Slowly she started to introduce negativity saying things like you'll stop loving me one day, things will change and i'd have to reassure her that it's not the case. Then we had a few arguments about "a few bad jokes" that I've said to her and apperantly they hurt her. We got through them however fights started reaccuring more and more offten. It has got so bad that we fight atleast once every week. She is super insecure eventhough I tried everything and anything to help her. I've been faithful all this time and she still acts this way. Slot of times she compared me to her ex boyfriends woo she says were terrible to her and tries to make me feel bad. At times now I lose my temper because I've had enough of the fights and insecurities. I've been dealing with a lot of stress from family problems to work and I would think that I should be able to look for her for a calmer relaxing time and environment but I can't. I love her very much but all these fights an such push me away in a way that I don't want to spend as much time with her anymore. I realize it's bad and I wish it were different. If I'd tell her how it makes me not want to spend time with her as much because of all this then she'd just get sad start crying and say I don't love her anymore. I don't know what to do, please help.
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female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (25 December 2009):
 She is insecure and tends to be the victim, sabotaging her relationships so that each one ends the same way and she can continue to spin her self-fulfilled prophecy into place. You can try to be more supportive and avoid the pitfalls of bad jokes to prevent a major meltdown but it's my guess she'll invent problems when there is none and you will never be able to fulfill her. Maybe a good counselor will help her to understand why she is like this.
A
male
reader, 23ConfusedOne23 +, writes (25 December 2009):
23ConfusedOne23 is verified as being by the original poster of the question For the lady who responded first; it was notctge same jokes. If I know it would hurt her then I wouldn't say it. I am not a jerk that would do that. I did ask her how would she feel but in those moments she can't focus on anything but her problems or things that bother her and a lot of times it gets bad and makes her blow up so bad that basically stomps all over me so bad that she drags me into a huge fight.
For the second lady writing me; I don't want to leave her. That's not my plan. I wanted to marry her but now I don't think that's the nest idea so I put that off. I love her and therefore I deal with a lot of bad things because I stay with her. Some days it gets do bad that we feel like there is nothing left from our relationship but a few days later we start being together again. I lost that desire to he with her all the time because of all her problems. She always wants to be with me and I used to as well but not anymore. Even sexually I have lost a lot of interest in her. I know this all sounds bad and I do feel bad for it because I love her alot but in my opinion she keeps destroying us more and more.
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A
male
reader, 23ConfusedOne23 +, writes (25 December 2009):
23ConfusedOne23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are very helpful. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2009): i am a lady that by the sounds of this all is going thought the same thing, word for word! i am having the same problems as your girlfriend is feeling. and to tell you the truth my boyfriend is trying soooo hard to help me. BUT its not working because the little jokes sometimes get to us alot.many people will tell you and ask you do you really need this kind of a relationship but please dont leave her like this, its not you its her and yes she is very insecure but if you leave and breakup shes never guna trust another person for a while. i think shes had a tough past and just needs LOVE. it might be hard but trust me she will get better. the trust facter needs to be there. she may trust you but sometimes her insecurity beats the trust and ovcerpowers. i am trying to help you understand her because i dont think anyone understands me, everyone always wants to run away from the problems but they dont realize that it makes it worst. today me and my boyfriend broke up just. due to the same problem... my insecurity and him not understanding.talk to her if you have to reasure her everyday, hug her make her feel yours only. trust me it will work.merry christmas hope all goes well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2009): I just want to add that by feeding her insecurities you're just enabling them, she seems to constantly be on the lookout for new excuses to start fights or get "hurt" by inane little jokes you make etc. Do you really want a relationship like that?
You're kind of stuck, because you know if you tell her how you really feel she'll be "hurt" and start crying and her insecurities and fears will, in her head, be realized.
She's just trying to saboutage herself and unfortunately you've become the tool for which she does this, it's a vicuous circle, she thinks you're gonna screw her over so she acts like you're going to, which then has the knock on effect of pushing you away and actually making what she thinks is gonna happen, happen. Pretty messed up isn't it?
So just tell her all this and tell her if she really doesn't want this kind of thing to happen to stop acting like it already has.
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A
male
reader, 23ConfusedOne23 +, writes (25 December 2009):
23ConfusedOne23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow some things you said were right on point as if you were right there. That makes me sad because I don't want to leave her. I know she loves me and I her but something has to change.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2009): Unfortunately there's nothing you can do, you've managed to fall for a mess of a woman, no offence intended to her or others like her.
There is nothing you can do about her insecurities only she can work through those and to be honest you'll most likely be fighting them your entire relationship. I have a feeling that the boyfriends she's had that she thinks were assholes left her for the same problems as you're having. Some of them were probably nice guys just like you that couldn't handle the amount of issues she has and just did the right thing by them and left.
I hate to say it but it's not good to be in a relationship with someone who will pounce on a couple of "bad jokes" as an excuse to go crazy, she obviously knows they're jokes and just wants to use them to create drama.
I would leave her, as cruel as that sounds, but if you wanna stick it out and walk on eggshells constantly then go ahead, but you have to tell her very plainly how you feel, if she cries then so be it, just ignore it as it's just a ploy to gain sympathy, which you'll see will quickly turn into anger if you don't respond to her tears.
The worst thing you can do is feed her insecurities by giving her sympathy or constantly telling her you're not going to leave etc., really there's no reason to feel sorry for her because she has lovely boyfriend willing to anything for her but all she can see is herself.
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A
female
reader, aussielass  +, writes (25 December 2009):
Hi, seems like youve made very effort to help her through her insecurities. When you mentioned you said a "few bad jokes".. why did it reach to a "few".. if you knew after the very 1st time you said the joke affected her, and hurt her, why would you do it again? Fighting with someone you love is never easy but I honestly believe that unless she gets her insecurities in check, and maybe visits a counsellor or therapist to understand how her behaviour is linked to her insecurities and hence affecting your relationship. She should not be comparing you to her boyfriends. You should tell her how it makes you feel.. use the example of how would she feel if you compared her to your ex girlfriends, how would she react or feel? Life is stressful enough and having a secure and loving realtionship should be a peaceful and loving time - not adding to your troubles. Goodluck x
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