A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I find my relationship problems difficult to talk to with my friends and family. I dont like them to see me as weak or troubled or i guess burden them with my troubles so i normally keep everything to myself and try to deal with things. But i have come to a point in my life now where I need to make a decision about whether my long term relationship is really worth saving or should I move on? At what point is too much too much? And what is or isn't acceptable behaviour ina healthy relationship? My partner and I have been together for nearly 10 years now .. I am going on 33yo now. We are culturally different he is black and I am white. This has never been a problem for us in the past but sometimes when we fight he says always brings colour into it like and refers to me and my family as "You white people" and "White people are racist" etc... I understand relationships have their cycles or good and bad but over the past 2-3 years tings have gone down hill. We do have our good times and he does mean well and is a nice person.. But on the flip side he can be verbally loud, aggressive, and mean with the things he says. He is never physical but the words and he can rant and rave for like 2 hours and it just wears you down and down.... some examples of our arguments are that he says things to me like "You are a bitch", "I cant wait to go home to my country and find myself a wife", "Get the fuck out of my life", When we went on a holiday to visit my parents who live interstate he had a good time but then a few days back into our normal routine he just blew a lid and said things like "Your parents watched me like I was going to steal something" , " I am never going to go back there again", "Your parents are bad people"... he would never say this to their faces but to me he does and i know it is rude, disrespectful and inappropriate but a few days pass, I give him the silent treatment and then things go back to normal and it is swept under the carpet. I have tried to tell him what he says is disrespectful and there needs to be consequences for his verbal behaviour but i never follow through with anything. From what you have heard so far... does he sound like a bad person? Am I better off on my own?
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female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (25 December 2009):
 Find a good counselor and start going to sessions. You can schedule them on your lunch hour, even he doesn't have to know. A counselor will help you sort out your feelings and come to your own conclusions without burdening your friends or family. I think he is abusive and disrespectful to women in general. You have to decide if you deserve better. I personally think so. Some men like to "own" women and making them feel like crap about themselves is part of the process. Afterall you've been with him 10 years and he's still the same. This relationship is going no where.
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (25 December 2009):
You teach a man how he should treat you. In your case, he treats you like this because you allow it. Why do you just keep quiet? Men generally like to push their boundaries and they will take it as far as you allow it go. Generally, if a man is aggressive they only understand some level of aggression too. Silence/cowering is a sign of weakness to THEM. You can determine what he understands judging from the women in the home he grew up. Would his mother/sisters take that kind of crap from any man? Next time he trash talks pack an overnight bag and tell him you will speak to him when he starts talking to you with respect.. Then leave. Don't phone, don't forgive after one apology. Make him sweat a little. Most African/black men needs a firm hand sometimes!! I know I will get flack for that comment but that has been my experience as a black woman who has dated both races.
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A
male
reader, zedd  +, writes (25 December 2009):
If you ask me, I think you should talk about this in a moment when you are not in an argument. Tell him that you love him but you hate the things he says and also tell him that everyone can get upset sometimes but if he just can't count to ten before calling you a bitch or telling you that your family is bad, then it is time for him to learnd how to behave like a normal person, or you'll leave. And if he does it again, just leave, for a few days at least, think about the whole thing and see what happens. Just because you've been together for a long time doesn't mean that you have to stay in a relationship that makes you suffer.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2009): my advise is get out while you can, or you will live with years of regret. find someone that you are really in love with, and is really in love with you and respects you as well.
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A
male
reader, 23ConfusedOne23 +, writes (25 December 2009):
 He does sound bad saying those things and it's pretty ignorant to day racial things if you are in a relationship with different races. He deffinatly disrespected you but how do the fights go about? How do they start? Do you start talkting to him about something you didn't like or do simeting That triggers that in him? Does he out of no where become like that? I am just saying there is always more then one side to the story. If you do trigger it in him then you need to find a way to talk to him without it getting out of hand.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2009): My own opinion is that this black v white issue of his is never going to change. I think you should leave him while you are still young enough to re-group from the situation, be on your own for a while and then find someone else. He is verbally abusive towards you and your family and this is completely unacceptable. You have not been racist or has your family - he clearly has issues and I think things could get physical on the basis of the semi-threatening things he has said already. I hope you can find the strength to leave. Good luck.
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