A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am 21 years old and I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years. My boyfriend and I have not really talked seriously about marriage, as I have made it very clear that I do not want to get married until after I get my PhD (in 5-6 years). I want to make sure I can get a good enough job to buy a house/apartment and support myself before I settle down in marriage. He says that is fine, but I know that he is thinking that he will propose in a few years, even if we wait to actually get married.So here is the problem: I am thinking that I may not ever want to marry him, not because I don't love him, but because of his mother's debt. She is unemployed, in poor health, and has mounds of credit card debt. She also has blown through her savings and has taken out 2 home equity loans, and I am pretty sure that money is gone, too. Yet she spends and spends, all on things she does not need and that do not help her children. She is really a very nice woman, but I cannot stand to see the way she spends her money with no regard at all for her kids (although I respectfully keep my mouth shut). I work very hard for everything I have (so does my bf), and even though I am still in college I am trying to save money to support myself when I graduate and to build a really good credit history. So in all honesty, I really do not want to inherit his mother's debt, as that would completely destroy everything I will have worked for. So am I cold and cruel for even thinking of turning away from possible true love because of money, or am I prudent in thinking that this marriage would be doomed from the start? I really do care about him, but if I know I don't want to marry him for a reason that isn't even really his fault, how could I walk away?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): Hi
SMART OR CRUEL?
NEITHER.
I would just walk .....you may find one long day away ......that you have the BEST CREDIT SCORE IN THE WORLD ...but REAL CREDIT IS IN HUMANITY do a PHD IN THIS IT WILL GIVE YOU A BETTER CREDIT RATING than the crap your talking about.
What a Pathetic reason not to marry the man you say you love...
Somebody elses finance and credit ratings or debt have got nothing to do with you.
via con dios.
A
female
reader, Fee-Fee  +, writes (3 March 2009):
 When someone dies, debts are recoverable from any assets or money left behind by the deceased. This is known as the 'estate'. No one else has to pay for the debts unless they are already liable under the terms of the original agreement, e.g. the debt is in joint names or someone has signed as a guarantor (i.e. if she can't make the payment, you will).
If you or your boyfriend are made executors of his mother's will, then it is up to you to co-ordinate payment of her debts out of money from her own estate - it will never come out of your pocket if it isn't a joint debt or you aren't guarantors.
With that in mind, what are your feelings now?
Fee
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): Just to clarify; are you talking about leaving him, or just staying together but never marrying?
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A
male
reader, Ted-ster +, writes (2 March 2009):
Husband won't be responsible for her debt, but make it clear that you and he have the SAME understanding about this debt of her's. Finish your education, I agree. She might croak in the meantime. Not wishing anything bad on anyone, mind you. There's a lot of time between here and there. You're being honest with yourself, if not a bit of twit/superior, about your feelings towards this situation, but I would be, too. Money is a BIG part of a marriage. It's right up there with air, and anyone who tells you differently, is a dope.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (2 March 2009):
 I think you are theorizing too much.
Did you know that 4 years ago, when you started dating your b/f, that the global economy is going to be this f****d up? Are absolutely sure that your PhD is going to guarantee you a good paying job? Are you sure that within a couple of years of your getting a PhD, or a Master's degree, that you will be able to afford buying a good home? Are you sure you will not run out of steam, or have a fall out with your professor, or you subject of research becomes "iced case" for one reason or another?
There is nothing wrong with wanting to stay single until you achieve your dreams, just don't use other people's problems as your excuses.
You don't want to get married yet because you want to focus on your own dreams first. That is not cruel, as long as you don't leave any dead bodies in the process (wink). "Smart" may just a label that people put based on their own perpectives.
Is it fair to your b/f? Only if he agrees whole-heartedly with you. If he is not of the same thoughts with you, like, he does not want to wait for another 5-6 years until he can be married to you, then you are not being fair to each other.
There many couples who support each other through school, by taking turns in getting their PhDs. Or taking turns on taking the next big promotion and move to another state. Or agreeing to be financially poor (but happy with each other) for the first few years of their married life.
You don't have to get married to own a house, or be in debt, or have a joint bank account, or to live together happily ever after.
I think you need to go deeper into yourself and find out what is it that is stopping you from your dreams, or what is it that you want in life at this present time. Some people go through this process, some people just go with the flow and the "soul searching" process is done in a less dramatic approach. To each his own.
Cat
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): You wouldn't inherit his mother's debt but I'm sure when she died, your husband would have to cover funeral expenses. There is also the possibility that she may not be able to support herself in old age and may require funds for assisted living or have to live with him and that would be something you'd want to discuss. It sounds like you don't have all your facts straight on this and are overreacting to something that's not going to happen, honestly. Also, you'll probably accumulate some debt by getting a PhD so that's something your boyfriend will have to take on. Also, your debt to equity ratio is going to affect you when you go to buy a home and you may need your boyfriend's credit support to get a good interest rate because I'm assuming you won't have much equity going through all that schooling. Most serious doctorate programs don't allow you to work full time so you will be taking out a lot of loans and only get a small stipend while your matriculating. I think it's your boyfriend that needs to be more concerned about your potential debt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): Satindesire, like I said she is in poor health, and if she dies, her unpaid debts will likely be passed on to her children (I don't know what else would happen to them...maybe they take her house?). Also, her kids may inherit her house, which, if they ever want to sell, they will have to pay almost all of that money back to the bank due to the home equity loans. If I am married to him, his money problems would in all likelihood become my money problems. And thank you, damluvaam, that is helpful. Yes, he kind of does cave in to her habits (he is also not so responsible with money himself) and I know that if we were on our own financially she may ask him for money and he would no doubt give it to her. I don't know how to talk to him about it without it looking like I am disrespecting his family, or simply saying "Yea, I probably won't marry you because of your mother, no offense! Love ya though." BTW I am the o.p. :)
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