A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my bf for five years now, and like most couples we have had to deal with various issues, in our case it is the issue of infidelity and trust, me being the one who doesn't trust him. He has stepped out on me several times, and each time he apologizes, says he won't do it again, I am the only one for him, blah blah blah. Like a fool I continue to accept his apologies and continue with the relationship. However, I am still very untrusting of him, I discovered that he is still in contact with the other WOMEN he has stepped out on me with. He says he isn't, but I've seen them texting each other, he puts his phone on vibrate or turns the ringer off whenever we are together, he turns the phone away whenever he gets a call so I can't see who's calling or texting, stuff like that. This weekend was the birthday of one of the women that he stepped out on me with, and I haven't heard from him all weekend - I have a feeling that he has spent the weekend with her for her birthday. I spoke to him for a little bit on Friday, he said he would call me back later that evening but I never heard back from him. Also, it is to the point that I don't enjoy sex with him, I don't want to have sex with him but end up going through it with him. I've told him several times that I don't want this relationship anymore but he convinces me to stay. As I'm typing this I am crying. I just feel that he thinks he has found someone who will put up with the BS that he has put me through, and he will continue to do what he is doing. How can I tell him FIRMLY that I am not wanting this anymore, without having to just cut all communication off with him? Or contacting the other women and letting them know what is going on, because I'm sure he's lying to them about us. I'm just TIRED of it!!!!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 September 2012):
 I’m sorry you are hurting but to be honest you are allowing it.
You cannot end this without going No Contact. I’m sorry but you can’t WEAN away from this one. You have to have all or nothing.
He lies to you
He cheats on you (although he’s not cheating if he’s not hiding it)
He makes you cry
He is using you
He is abusing you emotionally
Why in the world do you need to have any communication with him?
As for telling the other women? Not a good idea on several levels.
1. It will not accomplish what you want consciously or subconsciously. It will only make it worse.
2. They won’t listen to you, they may make you feel worse… it won’t stop him from doing what he’s doing nor will they feel remorse as I’m sure he whines and complains about you being a ball and chain and how much better they are than you… (trust me if you know about them, they have heard about you but none of it was nice)….
IF you are tired ENOUGH of it you will leave.
When you are ready….
A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (10 September 2012):
 Your boyfriend doesn't even bother to hide it, anymore. You know exactly what's going on, and he knows you do, and it doesn't impact what he does or how he acts at all.
What does this say to you?
By now I'm sure you're aware that he doesn't actually mean it when he says he wont do it again, that you're the one for him, etc. He doesn't love you, and he returns to you out of nothing more than convenience. It would be different if you were on his case constantly, but you're not. You let him cheat, and then you let him get away with it.
This isn't a relationship that requires a sit down to talk about ending the relationship. You've tried that, and it hasn't worked. If he's living with you, throw his stuff out the front door and change the locks. If you're living with him, pack your things and LEAVE so he can come home to an empty house.
Why don't you want to cut off all communication with him? All he'll do is convince you to come back, and you'll be stuck in this situation indefinitely. He treats you like garbage, and no matter what you have been through together, he clearly doesn't feel as though it's as important as you do, or at all. This is a toxic person you need to cut out of your life, and not speak to again. Period. Once you're over it, you'll look back and think WHAT A WASTE OF MY TIME. Because that is all this has been!
Have more respect for yourself than to stay with this loser, or go back to him. You are worth more than that, and you need to wake up and realise that for yourself. He is never ever ever going to change!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2012): "How can I tell him FIRMLY that I am not wanting this anymore, without having to just cut all communication off with him?"
You can't. He already knows and he doesn't care, because he also knows that every time you catch him stepping out you'll keep believing his insincere apologies and false promises not to do it again over and over and over, effectively giving him license to keep casually disrespecting you and callously disregarding your feelings over and over and over.
Like so many women, you prefer to believe what he SAYS over what he DOES whenever his actions directly contradict his words, which is always, for the simple reason that he tells you exactly what you want to hear. He overrides your brains and backbone by playing to your ego and vanity, and you fall for it every time.
"I'm just TIRED of it!!!!"
Then leave him. He'll never change, he'll never be sorry about cheating on you, and he'll always DO it again, no matter what he SAYS.
Advance apologies to PerhapsNot, just belatedly read your answer and to invoke the famous disclaimer any resemblance to your response (and there are several) is purely coincidental and not intended. We just both happen to see the situation the same way, which also just happens to be the way it is.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (9 September 2012):
 I think you need to identify what is stopping from leaving?
You already have plenty of evidence that this relationship isn't going anywhere, so why not act on it and move on? I know you've invested a significant portion of your life with this man, but at the end of the day, what do you have? A man that is pretty open about cheating on you. Not only is he abusing your trust, he is putting your health in jeopardy by potentially having sex with others as well.
I think by coming here, you've taken the first step in setting yourself free. Hopefully you'll find the inner strength to find someone who truly respects you and wants to be with only you. Next time your boyfriend calls, remind yourself of what he truly is and tell yourself that you deserve better. And if you get weak? Come back here and re-read your post. 5 years is a long time to be with a loser.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 September 2012):
 Why keep yourself in this purgatory of life?
Just dump him and get on with your life,... and plan on finding a real, honest, trustworthy B/F....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (9 September 2012):
 "How can I tell him FIRMLY that I am not wanting this anymore, without having to just cut all communication off with him? "You simply can't. What you're suggesting is only possible in the realm of La La Land. You either leave this relationship and cut off all ties with him, or you continue to be in the place where you are right now. I don't mean this to be an attack on you but I am calling it as I see it. This is what I see: a very weak woman, whose esteem has been broken. If all he has to do is talk to you to convince you to stay in this terrible relationship, then you are too weak to have any type of contact with him. History has proven itself that you cannot be trusted to stay in touch with him. You will cave to whatever he says and you'll continue to be miserable.Knowing this, why would you want to talk to him at all? It's not like you'd be splitting on friendly terms. Friendly break ups involve 2 parties realizing that they simply are not compatible for X, Y Z reasons. You cannot have a friendly breakup when you have been cheated on, lied to or anything in that ballpark. That's plain disrespect and lack of care. It's not like you two can be friends after that. Friends don't treat friends that way. You either leave, or you continue to waste your time while being spit on every single day. The choice is yours.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (9 September 2012):
 You sound like your a person with a very big heart and I beleive he uses that against you. I was cheated on by my boyfriend for the first time in my life, i couldn't deal with what he had done, and deep down i had a fear he would do it again despite promising me he wouldn't. My gut instict kept telling me now the trust was gone it wouldn't work, and eventually i acted upon it and i found the courage to keep away from him after he ended it with me. He tryed to convince me to go back to him for a whole month and a half, he used every trick in the book, blackmail, old memories we shared together, lieing he did it all. But the strongest thing i did, was stayed away from him and i refused and to this day i am still refusing to get with him, despite him turning into a stalker. I think you should do the same, i guess you just have to keep thinking to yourself when ever he trys to sugar coat you and promise you he won't do it again, is just think "if you loved me, you wouldn't of done it, simple as that." I beleive anyone who cheats, cannot be trusted afterwards, because if they did it once then whats gonna stop them doing it again. Keep your head high, and make it clear to him that its over now because of what he has done, if your message doesn't get through the pack his stuff up, leave it outside the door, or leave yourself and simply leave a note explaining everything. It always gets through to them that way. It is still possible to stay friends with someone once you break up but its hard, it makes it even harder when they are trying to convince you to come back, and norminally guys do get it into there head that once you say you want a little bit of contact with them still they think it means that they might have a chance of getting back with you. Thats why i find little to no contact is always best. I wish you the best of luck, and trust me you don't need someone like that in your life. x You can do better.
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