A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing this guy (34 years old) for 3 months and I feel confused as to what is going on in this relationship. I don’t know if he has just got a bit too settled in the relationship so is not making so much effort as he did at first (which I gather is normal) or he doesn’t really want to know but then other signs would suggest he is making a hell of an effort. I don’t know whether the problem is me as I can overanalyse things and expect everything to be perfect.My boyfriend and I tend to communicate by text since we are both shy on the phone. At first, everything was great. He was so sweet, sending me morning and goodnight messages but these have gradually dwindled away to nothing. I send him texts asking him questions to show an interest, but when he sends texts back he doesn’t answer them. At my Mum’s suggestion I sent him a message saying that I really liked getting his good morning texts when he last sent me one thinking he would get back to sending me one everyday as before but I didn’t get one today. We can go out of an evening and I find it a real effort to get any conversation out of him at all and he seems really serious. Yet with everyone else he seems relaxed and fine. It’s bizarre because to start with everything was amazing; he was texting me all the time and we flirted a lot. I wonder if there is an underlying shyness there. His parents are both very quiet and his Mum is a little domineering. He has also had problems with girls in the past (possessiveness, lying, in fact some whopping great lies from one of his ex’s etc). I know that I cannot have a relationship that has no conversation, banter and flirting. He has never paid me a compliment, and have heard that this is a sign of someone with low self-esteem.But by the same token, he has been very keen to introduce me to his family and friends. In fact, I have met all his family, and last weekend he invited me to his family gathering (of extended family) because he was keen for me to meet them and they wanted to meet me. He is very affectionate which I love, reaching out for my hand and cuddling and kissing me. I was also surprised last weekend when I was sitting at the kitchen table with him and his mum. His mum asked how I spelt my name. I thought she was asking out of interest and then I noticed that my boyfriend was adding my name to his in a birthday card he was writing to his cousin which I thought was lovely. He also gave me a largish sum of money when I was unexpectedly stranded late one night with not enough money and he didn't even want me to pay him back.Amongst some other questions, I asked him on Weds if he wanted to see me Fri. He answered all the other questions but not this one so we didn’t see each other Fri and he hasn’t text me at all to day.My boyfriend had been asking me when he can meet my family but now I am suggesting that the time is right he has gone all quiet on me. I am getting worried because the relationship with my ex took the exact same path and we broke up after 3 months. I never understand this because both my ex and my boyfriend have had long standing relationships with women who are up to no good and yet they get a good one and cast them aside after a very short space of time. Why is that?!?!?!Any ideas what is going on because i am totally and utterly lost? Is it me or him? How do i deal with this? How do we become more intimate and how do I encourage him to be more intimate?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (2 September 2007):
 Hi UK Female 30-35 . Your question: Is it me or is it him? Answer: It's probably both of you - you're both human - both unique and different people. Your question: How do you deal with this? Suggestion: Sit down on your own and imagine you are your boyfriend, now write the same sort of letter you've posted here except from his perspective. Write in the same format you have used. Now use your analytical skills and identify the three main issues. Good luck.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 September 2007):
 I agree with Escalaya in the sense that overanalyzing things and expecting perfection is generally bad. However, I'm with you in feeling that odd things are going on here.
I don't know why he texts you if he can talk to you. Hearing someone's voice is so much more personal that I wonder why anyone would prefer letters on a screen. But, if the communication is right, well, it works. What I see here is that he leaves some questions unanswered, and this is a bad thing. It means there are some issues which he would rather avoid.
And then, the fact that he doesn't give you a date to meet your family makes me uneasy.
In my opinion, he is giving you mixed signals. Generally this is bad. It's not you; it's him: HE needs to make up his mind.
My advice for you is to talk to him, or meet him, and tell these things directly. He needs to give you clear statements and take real actions to address the problem. If he won't, then you'll know where you stand with him, and will be able to decide on the matter.
As to why people don't want the good girls, that's a hell of a question that might require individual answers, I guess. But, sometimes, the problem lies in the other person: apparently he doesn't want someone just like you. Or he knows you want this to be serious and he doesn't. Who knows? Any way you look at it, don't feel you have any less value. Think of it this way: you're a jewel, and he didn't notice, the poor fool.
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A
male
reader, Escalaya  +, writes (2 September 2007):
 well, over analyzing things, and expecting perfection in ANY situation can cause problems. People are human, and things are never going to be perfect. The only thing you can expect from someone else, At least, realistically, is that they try their best, always.
As for the rest, if that happened to me, i'd assume that they were possibly interested in someone else, or cheating on me, even. Don't take this to heart, and don't react on it, there's not enough evidence to support this kind of theory.
Why not simply ask him why things have changed the way they did?
I did the same thing, i get up every morning at 3AM to wake up my girlfriend for work, and to see her off, but sometimes, i admit, i just don't want to (Mostly because it's early) And i did the same thing, call her all the time, but after you do it for so long, it gets so tiresome. Ya, it's sweet, and you enjoy it, but do you think you'd be able to send that same text, every day, for such a long time? I'm sure you would miss a few, occasionally, or even send them less frequently.
Hope this was of some help
Best of luck, take care.
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