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male
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anonymous
writes: my girlfriend used to date this guy a few years ago. apparently she says they never "went out" as a couple, she only seeing him. i guess there is a difference between dating and going out. well to make a long story short, she told me about her ideal date that her boyfriend took her on. since he had a car, he drove her places, and could drive her home. they saw a magic show, and she really enjoyed it because he could explain to her how the magic show worked. after the magic show, they watched the sun set, and he drove her home. and she lives about an hour away from town.i have been recently going out with her, and she recently told me she is going to compare her dates now with her past 'ideal' date, because she had so much fun with that guy. they were basically a couple, but she didn't want to have a boyfriend until she was 17. she was in love with him and he was in love with her. until her parents found out she was seeing him.she broke it off. but i can tell she truly cares for him still. that guy is her big brother's best friend. and once she stopped seeing that guy, her brother has been a lot nicer to her. she said she treasures her brother's relationship with her more than her and that guy's.now that i am officially going out with her. i feel as if i cannot compare to that guy she used to date. i don't have a car, i don't know magic tricks, and most of our dates don't go as planned. i have a feeling as she compares her ideal date with her recent ones, she loses interest in me. even though she says if there was a chance, that guy and her could get together she would go out with that guy. but she said now it is impossible.she even told me she would rather go with that guy over me to senior prom. i asked her to senior prom and i asked her out. both she agrees to, but i truly doubt her feelings for me, if she has any.i dont know what to do. i cannot compare to her "old boyfriend". i don't drive. i cannot take her home late. i cannot explain to her magic shows. i cannot do anything for her. but i do like her a lot...but i just feel so useless. i think she doesn't really like me, and she says wants to try and see if she can like me, because the only person she has ever liked.. was that guy she dated before. (She only dated one person before)i'd hate the fact that i'd have to convince her to like me, much less fall in love. i just feel as if i like her so much, but i feel like i am wasting her time. even though i am so happy knowing i am with her, it feels as if nothing is enough to satisfy her hunger..her need for the kind of person she truly likes.i am not sure what i should do. i feel as if i've done everything right as a boyfriend in this relaitonship..but i also feel as if she doesn't feel like she is a girlfriend towards me, more as a friend. it could be the fact that maybe she just doesnt like me. but i made it clear to her, because i've known her for about 1.5 years already and that she can say no and i would completely understand. it is a big commitment and big chance in her life. i dont want to pressure anyone into a relationship. especially not her. to be honest i would catch the bus to her house. i would catch the bus far out into the country side to watch her play her tennis game. i would do a lot for her. but i believe it isn't worth it if she isn't interested in me as well.should i confront her about old "boyfriend" she used to date and let her know how uncomparable i am? should i let her know, that i doubt her feelings for me, if she even has any. i am not sure what i should do.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (10 March 2006):
 You and this girl aren't very well matched, I'm sorry to say.
She's hung up on some "older guy" who doesn't want to get back together, and she's -- appallingly! -- said to your face that she'll only hang around with you until something better comes along.
That's a terrible attitude of hers, and personally I think you're wasting your affections on someone so shallow and self-centred.
If you feel bad every time you go out with her, because you're mentally comparing yourself to some "dream date" that she goes on and on about (and which might or might not have actually happened that way!), then it's not an enjoyable experience for you and I wouldn't blame you for stopping it.
Are you really so desperate for attention that you want to be reminded that you're only second-best every time you go out?
Please say you're not.
The best suggestion that I can give you is not to keep dating this girl. She sounds very selfish and egotistical, and it's obvious that she's hurting you, whether she intends to or not. She just seems oblivious to the pain her comparisons are causing.
Dear, there are lots and lots of girls in your school, and thousands more who are your age elsewhere. I think you're scraping the bottom of the barrel here. Other girls might like you much better than this one does, and might actually look forward to your company!
If you back off a bit and think about the way this relationship is shaping up, you'll probably notice that the girl you're seeing isn't doing much of anything to make you like yourself, or her. Please find another girl who'll appreciate you.
:)
A
female
reader, Hopeful +, writes (10 March 2006):
 Don't confront her ex.
I think you need to say to her that when she says those things, you don't feel good. How would she like it if you went on about some other girl you used to go out with, wouldn't she feel bad?
I would tell her that you really like her but when she says things like that it is unfair and quite frankly, just plain mean.
I think you need to take a step back and look at the relationship in a different context. Do you really want to be with someone who says these things and someone whose real feelings you doubt? Is this want you want from a girl?
I would talk to her and if things don't change, I would consider finding another girl who will love you for YOU and leave her exes where they belong, in the past.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, harshbutfair  +, writes (10 March 2006):
 Great question.
1) Your girl sucks for saying that she's comparing your dates with her ex. She sounds stuck up and sometimes a "not-stuck-up-guy" won't satisfy these types of women. Until that is they marry their "dream" guy and end up screwing the gardener. Trust me on this.
2) If you feel down on yourself you *won't* be able to compete with this guy. Pump yourself up. As you're going to meet her I want you to hear you shouting (in your mind, if necessary) "you've got balls like f**king profiteroles kidda, now get out there and give the world hell!".
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Jammy2006 +, writes (10 March 2006):
 You are obviously too serious about her and need to ease off your desire to be with her. Out of millions of girls why should you settle for someone who will only see how she feels about you? If someone better comes along will she stay with you? I think not! Everyone deserves a partner who really adores them and if she cant offer this you must let go! It will only end up in tears! Alternatively ask her what interests she has and try to organise a few days out with her but never never compare yourself to someone else. There is always someone worse and someone better off than yourself no matter who you are!
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