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male
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anonymous
writes: Is it written on my face "Come, use me, I am there to sell myself to you" ? This is what I have been feeling for quite some time now. I try to be too nice and kind to other people and they take me for a ride because of that. I am the one of the most gullible males in my community and everyone wants to run my life for me, including my parents and my brother. I have been treated to accept orders from people and to entertain them no matter how bad I feel about them. It is as if I am born to serve mankind. I definitely lack self-esteem as I cannot take a stand on my own against exploitation or for my own rights. How do I get over this feeling? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): Have you tried communicating this to them? Communication is a very good first step to solving relational problems. I used to suffer from a form of this "nice guy syndrome" (defintion can be found in the urban dictionary). I just finally came to my own conclusion that other people can do these things for themselves, and drew the line. You will be called rude, and maybe some other names, but you have to do this if you want it to stop. Help when you want but not because you feel compelled, if your the only one who can help and you don't have the time or don't feel like it, then don't do it (you may have to do this to get the message across) and that is still your choice. You just have to draw the line. Stick to your guns, eventually their dependence on you should subside. That is how I feel and it worked for me. There are exceptions but you have to make them not the dependants, one is life and death, and there are other emergencies that you can consider. But make the decision for yourself.
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female
reader, Delirius +, writes (26 September 2005):
It would help to know how old you are, but I kind of like your other replies ideas. Perhaps though, I think your parents and brother will be the hardest people to introduce the new you to. I was raised in quite a strict home, and also have compulsive good manners. Perhaps you should practice on other people before you try at home. Not that you have to be rude, but you could say things like, "I'm awfully busy at the moment, perhaps I can help you next time." or "I have an appointment to keep at (xx:xx am/pm) so I won't be able to do that for you." Maybe deflecting other peoples dependency on you will teach them to do for themselves. If someone steps in to tell you how to do something for yourself, you could just say, "Thanks for that, but I've got it sorted." You could also try taking up a sport that takes you out of your local community at least a bit, so that you can meet new people who won't have a pre-conceived idea of who you are, and you may have a bit more freedom to develop your own self-confidence. Chin Up and Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2005): Start by talking to that guy in the mirror every morning. Make some lists of things you have done that you didn't want to do, and mark that list, THINGS I WILL NEVER DO AGAIN. Practice saying No. For your family and acquaintances, who will be shocked to hear you say, "NO', to them, be prepared to look them in the eye, and respond, " What part of " NO ", don't you understand?" And then stand your ground. Tell that guy in the mirror that the world is lucky to have him, but only on his terms. Then make another list of things you like to do, and another that lists how you like to be asked for help. Getting it down on paper will help you decide what other lists you need to make. Maybe people you will never speak to again until they apologize for the way they treated you in the past? But, be prepared to tell them, as bullies rarely remember what they said or did that hurt other people's feelings. Only you can stand up for yourself, and define yourself. Start today.
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