A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 27 and have been married to my husband, who's 32, for 5 years now.He's become 26 stone and refuses to lose weight, despite me telling him that it could cause problems - but he insists "it's better to be fat and happy than thin and unhappy!". Yet a few months ago (well, August) he had a muscular body and was in excellent shape.I asked him why he's happy being 26 stone, but he insists he just is - and he doesn't appear to be depressed being this weight. He still has great hygiene, so he's not depressed.His lifestyle isn't too bad, he does drink but he doesn't smoke. He eats large quantities of food though.We've been to the doctor's (on the NHS), and they've said he needs to take up a weight-loss plan and said he's (almost) clinically obese.We've only had sex twice in the past few months and I felt sick afterwards. I had to go and get showered. I felt like I was a prostitute sleeping with some fat old man. Our sex life has gone from very frequent sex to very little sex at all. He keeps asking me to have sex with him, but I've told him there's no sex until he's at a healthy weight but he laughs it off as a joke. He claimed I was frigid.Don't a lot of prostitutes often have to sleep with overweight old men?? I feel like I'm a prostitute if I have sex with him.I've tried and tried to convince him to lose weight, but he claims he's happier than he's ever been before being 26 stone!! Even showing him medical pamphlets and leaflets didn't convince him, he dismissed it as "Nonsense! These are just junk designed to stop you eating!"How do I get our sex life back, and how do I convince him that he won't always be happy??Gabriella
View related questions:
depressed, frigid, lose weight, overweight, prostitute, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): Hi,
I can completely understand how you feel as I am in nearly the exact same position as yourself. When I met my husband who is a wonderfully kind man I was a keep fit fanatic it was a big part of my life. He had just come out of a very unhappy marriage and was about 23 stone though he carries it better than most as he is 6ft 4". After having a number of unhapppy relationships with dare I say it, a number of selfish people it was a breath of fresh air to meet someone who was kind and caring. I though it would be easy to help him try and lose the weight ( I helped his son from his first marriage loss 4 stone) after 4 years I have given up, you can only help someone if they are prepared to help themselves, it is not always about image (though lets face it thousands of women around the world don't fancy Brad Pitt or George Clonney, because he comes across as a kind person.) We have a 7 month old son, I want his dad to be around and for him to have a future. Men or women that carry excess weight around their middle are more prone to strokes or heart attacks not to mention diabetes than those that don't. Doing nothing is indeed selfish as the thought of my little boy having no father or pushing him around in a wheelchair does not fill me with joy. We all have a personal responsibility for our own healthy.
A
female
reader, calamitysil +, writes (20 November 2007):
 I agree with Eddie, and something about this story doesn't ring true. You don't reach 26 stone in a couple of months for a start, and if he is 26 stone, he IS clinically and morbidly obese. Withholding affection is not the solution, in fact, he'll only eat more to compensate. The more of a fuss you make, the more he'll dig in his heels. It's human nature, which is why obesity levels have skyrocketed as people are sick to the back teeth of being dictated to.I would cook up healthy delicious meals (you don't need salads to lose weight!)and cook less in amount, ie there'll be no seconds. Rid the cupboards of junk like crisps, chocolates, biscuits. Don't even mention the DIET word, quit the nagging, tell him you want to spend time with him and go to a country park for walks, just the 2 of you. Also try and remember who he is underneath, assuming you love him not just for the muscular body he used to have! I personally do think something's "eating"him, but he's not going to share that with you until he feels safe to do so, and the way you are treating him now, he most definitely won't open up to you but continue to deny his real issues.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (20 November 2007):
 First of all, quit comparing yourself to a prostitute. That is a picture your painting that derails your common sense and jades your opinion. You might not be turned on by him but that doesn't make you a hooker. That just puts you in a frame of mind that will aid your side of the argument.
I'd like to know how someone could be muscular and in excellent shape in August and obese in November. That is pretty drastic. Are you a health nut by any chance? Really. Don't mock him or pester him. Talk to him nicely and let him know you're concerned about his health.
...............................
A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (20 November 2007):
 Hi Gabriella
Tough situation you are in.
Thing here is, that your husband needs to understand exactly HOW you feel. You said in your question that you have told him that there won't be any sex, but it is important for him to understand WHY... It is quite simple - we cannot change the ones we love - but we can certainly nudge them in the right direction.
You need to explain to him that you are not physically attracted to such a large man. You need to make him understand that having sex with him - is only to please him, as you feel nothing during this - but disgust. Have you told him it makes you feel like a prostitute? I know this is really harsh, but it might SHOCK him back into reality.
Also - you need to find out WHY he's gained so much weight?
Has he been stressed at work? Is something bothering him? Has your relationship been good (other than the weight) or has there been problems.
Your husband might be laughing this off as a joke because he KNOWS that his weight is out of control.
I also have a big-boned partner, and i'm also a bit on the heavy side, but a couple of months ago - i realized that i'm not getting any younger, and in a couple of years it will be EXTREMELY difficult for both myself and my partner to loose the weight. He also initially had no interest, but since i do the cooking, he's really had NO choice.
Who does the cooking and the shopping in your house?
In my case - i do all the shopping and the cooking, and i've simply stopped buying all the foods that are bad for our health.
I cook a healthy meal at night, and see to it that there are only healthy choices for breakfast. I unfortunately cannot control what my partner eats for lunch, but more often than not, i will cook a bigger healthy dinner, and hide some in a lunchbox for him for the next day - before he gets home.
I think you need to support your husband through this. HELP him make healthier choices, and reward him for losing weight (eg - a night of passionate lovemaking, or a strip show or something)
If you don't know what will be the healthier choices, then go see a dietician - who will work out an eating plan for you. Tell them exactly what your husband likes etc, and then go from there. You will need to adapt the way you eat too. You can't very well sit there having a steak, while he needs to eat a salad. This is a two way street...
My partner and i have been eating VERY healthily for about 2 months now. He's lost 2 stone, and i've lost 1.5 stone.
It is a long road - but you obviously love your partner - and should stick by him through this.
Good luck - let me know how it goes...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): if you loved your husband you would want to be with him no matter what he looked like
...............................
|
