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*obbyjo
writes:I'm so annoyed right now. I've invited my parents to my house for Christmas but they've declined because I won't allow them to bring their dogs. They have 3 huge dogs and I don't want them in my house. I cannot believe they would rather sit alone all day with their dogs than see their daughter and grandkids on Christmas Day. My dad even said sorry but I'm putting the welfare of my dogs before anything else on Christmas Day, as if the dogs would actually know it's Christmas. It is beyond belief. I feel sorry for my children more than anything who have been put at the bottom of their list and their dogs come first! It's 2 hours for dinner if that! They're dogs not babies they don't need 24 hour supervision! I'm so angry right now, what do I do? I'm 32.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2016): I think the issue here is that you don't understand dog-lovers at all.
For dog-lovers, dogs are like children. In some senses they are even more vulnerable than children because you can't explain "I'll be back in two hours".
If the dogs aren't used to being left alone, they will probably bark and howl the whole time, disturbing neighbours.
I think the more important question is: WHy can't you open your heart to the dogs on Christmas? I can see why you're 6 year old is afraid of dogs- you clearly never let him get near them!!! What better way than to help kids develop a love of animals?
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reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 December 2016):
 Could you maybe go to there house after dinner and spend a few hours with them? I understand you are frustrated, but they don't like to leave there dogs alone and I guess you need to accept this. As difficult as it is for you to understand there dogs are there life and they don't want to leave them, just as you would not want to leave your children if the dogs where scared of them. I think you should try and find a compromise here, and accept that they come as a package.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2016): I really love my cat but I would not take her to a party.Nowdays you see people walking their dogs and cats in strollers. They take them all over. I have seen them at the store..airport...flea market basically everywhere. What about people with allergies? I know people's eyes that would swell closed just being near a cat or dog. Or they must grab for that inhaler or epi pen fast or else. What you should give your in-laws this year is the gift of a dog trainer. People should assume not to take these animals everywhere. I love dogs but you are not a responsible pet parent if they are not trained to behave properly. So let your parents stay home but maybe next year the dogs being trained they can leave them at home where they do in fact belong. That way maybe your kids can have a relationship with the grandparents sans the dogs.
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reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 December 2016):
 Maybe instead of trying to get your parents to come, have your sisters/BIL/Nieces and Nephews? You know people who might actually WANT to socialize on Christmas?
Take some GREAT family photos if your sisters (et al) show up and print out some for your parents. Seems like that could be a way to show them what they missed without rubbing it in (of course).
I don't think you can really change their minds. Seems like they are now set in their ways with their lives after kids but with furbabies.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 December 2016):
 I think that it is very odd they can’t manage to find a way to leave their dogs for 2 hours on Christmas. I would also be upset and unhappy; I would grouse and moan about it for a day or two to my spouse, and then, I would let it go.
They are the way they are, you know this has been an ongoing issue with them and expecting them to change now is more wishful thinking than a realistic approach to the situation.
“Mom, Dad, I love you both to bits and would love to have you at our tiny house for an hour or two on Christmas. As you know, we have an infant and a child who is terrified of dogs. I’m sure you would not want to cause upset or trauma to them, so alas, we can’t entertain your 4 furbabies this year at our home.
“We’d be so happy and delighted for you to share Christmas with Zoe and Jack [or whatever the grandchildren’s names are] so I do hope you can find some room in your day to come over and celebrate Christmas with them and us! We love you so much and are so proud of how active and busy you are. I’m not sure I tell you that enough.
“Well, it’s been really hard for me to write this to you, so I hope you see this with all the love and care and best wishes that I love you so much and just want to see you on Christmas!”
I
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reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 December 2016):
 Have they acquired another big dog during the time this post has been running? They seem to have started with 3, but now have 4! Only kidding. Assume one number is a typo.
I can see this from both sides. I do understand that you would feel overwhelmed with 3 (or 4!) big dogs in the house when you have a child who is afraid of dogs and a young baby. However, I also see this from your parents' point of view in that, if anyone invites me somewhere but then sets conditions, I instantly feel like telling them to stick their invitation. Did you ask them nicely (like "Would you mind not bringing the dogs as it is going to be chaotic enough in the house") or did you tell them not so nicely (like "You are invited but I am not having the dogs here)? If someone invited you somewhere but then told you you couldn't bring your children, how would you feel? They probably feel the same way about being separated from their dogs.
And to insinuate that they are suffering from mental illness because they love their dogs is an insult to everyone who loves their pets.
Given that your child is afraid of dogs, how do you normally get round him seeing your parents if they refuse to be separated from their dogs?
Maybe your parents just want a quiet Christmas alone (many people prefer this to enforced joviality with family). After all, they have done their child rearing and may now just want to relax and enjoy time with their dogs.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 December 2016):
 Well there you have it then. They're not trained to be home alone at all. Which I would agree isn't healthy for anyone involved, but again... we all have to respect that some people choose differently from us. Doesn't make them bad people who that they dont love you or your kids. Just means that this is how they chose to live their life, and it comes at a cost, but they are willing to pay that cost. I get that it hurts, but you can't chance people or make them act differently just because it would suit you more.
I have a crazy wacka-doodle family with mental illnesses and abnormal tendencies left and right. I know how it can hurt, and how irrational and abnormal it can all seem, but getting angry, or sad, doesn't change anything. They are the way they are, and even if it wouldn't be difficult at all to train the dogs to stay at home alone for two/three hours... Apparently it was too difficult for them, or something they don't understand the point of. Maybe they just don't have a need to leave the dogs home alone for more than three times a year, and thats why they haven't trained the dogs. Maybe they don't even own proper dog cages, and with multiple dogs you can't have the home alone unless they are all in cages. You know, there is a real possibility that they will kill one another.
Maybe they have anxiety, or an undiagnosed mental illness that prevents them from doing anything outside of normal routine. There's many such things, I have at least three people in my family who will freak out if something is a cm off in the wrong way, and cause a big scene out of what others wouldn't even notice. Like an egg being boiled two seconds too long, or being serves slightly too cold, or on the wrong plate... Sigh.
And yes, it hurts to see someone you love show every sign of not loving you back, but if they are ill, they just follow different rules than you do. They show love in a different manner. They live by a different logic. And you can't really do anything about it. Doesn't mean anyone is in the wrong, just means that they are very, very different from you. Different rules = you can't say one is wrong and one is right. They'd never understand your reasoning, just like you don't understand theirs.
Your children will be fine without seeing their grandparents. I think what hurts most here is that you had an idea in your head of how lovely this dinner would be, and then you built up hopes, and then it didn't happen. It hurts when dreams break. So I would advice that you do not build up dreams or hopes when it comes to your parents. Your children will not be damaged by a lack of socializing with their grandparents. They will do just fine without.
And then you can visit your parents alone, without your kids, just to check in on them and maintain your own relationship with them.
Very few, if any, families are like in Disney movies.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2016): I can relate, and I sympathize. Dealing with family conflict like this is one of the worst things about Christmas.
If I were you, I would relent and let them bring their dogs. Why not? They wouldn't be there long and so they wouldn't damage your home. The important thing is being with your family at Christmas. We just never know how much time we have left to be with our loved ones, and being together at Christmas is a special blessing. Put this angst aside, and create some warm Christmas memories that you'll always cherish.
God bless you and yours. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a happy New Year!
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reader, Bobbyjo +, writes (12 December 2016):
Bobbyjo is verified as being by the original poster of the question My parents love 10 mins drive away from me. The reason I say 2 hours at my house for dinner is to make it as short as possible for them to be away from their dogs, not because I only want them round for 2 hours. The reason I don't want the dogs in my house is because they are 4 big dogs and I have a 7 month old baby and a 6 year old who is terrified of dogs. My house is tiny with a tiny garden. I can understand your a dog lover and I love dogs too but believe me there is something very wrong if you can't leave your dogs for a couple of hours while you go to visit your family, the dogs that they spend 365 days a war with. My mum doesn't work and is home with them 24/7. They are treated like babies.
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reader, Bobbyjo +, writes (12 December 2016):
Bobbyjo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy parents love 10 mins drive away from me. The reason I say 2 hours at my house for dinner is to make it as short as possible for them to be away from their dogs, not because I only want them round for 2 hours. The reason I don't want the dogs in my house is because they are 4 big dogs and I have a 7 month old baby and a 6 year old who is terrified of dogs. My house is tiny with a tiny garden. I can understand your a dog lover and I love dogs too but believe me there is something very wrong if you can't leave your dogs for a couple of hours while you go to visit your family, the dogs that they spend 365 days a war with. My mum doesn't work and is home with them 24/7. They are treated like babies.
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reader, Bobbyjo +, writes (12 December 2016):
Bobbyjo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy parents love 10 mins drive away from me. The reason I say 2 hours at my house for dinner is to make it as short as possible for them to be away from their dogs, not because I only want them round for 2 hours. The reason I don't want the dogs in my house is because they are 4 big dogs and I have a 7 month old baby and a 6 year old who is terrified of dogs. My house is tiny with a tiny garden. I can understand your a dog lover and I love dogs too but believe me there is something very wrong if you can't leave your dogs for a couple of hours while you go to visit your family, the dogs that they spend 365 days a war with. My mum doesn't work and is home with them 24/7. They are treated like babies.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (12 December 2016):
Another possible reason for them saying this could of course be that they are just pissed angry at you for even demanding no dogs in the house. That they do it out of revenge. Im not a vindictive person myself, but even I could be tempted to do this if someone gave me an ultimatum or tried to boss me about, which is how an ultimatum is seen from the receivers end.
As an example I will share that I once was at a Christmas party at a friend of mine. I asked if I could bring the dog since I would have to leave straight from work, and it'd be too long for the dog to be home alone all day and all evening. She said it was fine, and as the dog had been at her house before without trouble, I thought it'd be okay. Then when I got there she showed me a room the dog could stay in. Not exactly what I had envisioned! So the dog sat in the room, whimpering, alone again, while I was at the party... I didn't stay for very long, as you can guess. And then a week later I held a party at my house, I deliberately let the dog walk free, and he jumped on her lap and everything lol. I didn't even try to correct him or tell him to stay down on the floor, because I was annoyed with her. I thought she could leave then, if she had a problem with it, just as I had to leave early when I was at hers... all because of a dog.
So yes, I understand fully the drama you are in, it comes with the territory. Also, Christmas is full of drama in any family, not just yours, and there doesn't even have to be dogs involved for most part.
So, just saying, could be your parents are just throwing a tantrum or proving a point of some kind, due to an argument.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (12 December 2016):
PS. I read your up-date, but you have to think about that this is their life, and you don't actually know what is going on. You make a lot of assumptions, and that never leads to anywhere good. Maybe it's a long drive from their place to yours, and the total amount of time being gone wouldn't be two hours, but five.
But from our update, and them not going anywhere at all for more than an hour, it sounds like they just haven't trained their dogs to be alone for that long? Or maybe they both still work, and the dogs are already alone at home for the extended amount of time possible. There could be many explanations. And maybe they have troublesome dogs (must be a reason you don't want them in your house!) who will tear up their home while they are gone, or owl and bother neighbours. There could be many such things, and they might not want to tell you about it because it can be embarrassing. People can get evicted from their homes, you know, if dogs are causing a pain in the ass for the neighbours. Maybe they simple have to stay at home with the dogs if they are troublesome, to avoid getting evicted. One never knows these things unless one asks. So, try not to assume, and just ask.
And if the dogs CAN stay at home for two hours, and the visit WOULD be only two hours, then I would bet your parents simply do not want to go, and are using the dogs as an excuse not to. You never know. Like someone said, maybe your kids tire them out or are obnoxious (yes, I said it, no one wants to hear that, but it could happen to be true as well....)
Just take a deep breath now. Christmas is enough drama as it is, just let it be and try to add as little drama as possible to the holidays. You can bring them some cake the following day instead, if you want to see them. Or offer to watch the dogs while your parents take their grandkids out. There's a ton of possible ways to solve this without further drama.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (12 December 2016):
Im a dog owner, so I am biased. But the thing is, you don't have dogs, so I don't think you're entitled to trash it. Dogs are family members, to the ones of us who own dogs. Yes, family members. And no one is trying to equate them to children, or other human family members, but you are still talking as if there is a list of priorities and that the dogs have come before your children! But it might just as easily be reversed, you are putting the dogs above your own parents and the grandparents of your children! You're doing the exact same!! You think that it is MUCH more important to NOT have the dogs at your house, for a mere two hour dinner, than it is for your parents to be allowed over and for your children to see their grandparents...
See how easily it can be turned around to it being YOU who is actually putting the dogs above everyone else here?
I think you should stop being so angry and take a hard look on yourself and how you treat your parents, to be honest. You're the one who invites them with such demands, they are allowed to decline. Your children can go to your parents house, if you want them to see each other on Christmas. I don't get why you are making a big deal out of this, or insisting that everything is your way or the highway. It's like this with you, it seems, that either the dogs stay at home and your parents visit you, or no one will see anyone on Christmas, and then you go and get angry and mad and ballistic over it because of your own silly ultimatum. No one is putting dogs above people here, but you.
Your kids can go to their grandparents, and then everyone will see each other and everything is fine. Or, the dogs can come and you agree on a suitable arrangement, such as they have their cages with them at your house. Or, you dog-proof the house for this occasion. Or, you all go to your parents house for dinner. Or, you all meet at another type of gathering, not dinner, maybe somewhere else entirely.
Having had this argument with my own family, I have to say that I think you're blowing things out of proportion and you're not being fair at all in saying things like "they put their dogs above my children" etc. It's a really cruel thing to say, and it isn't true. Them wanting to bring their dogs with them on Christmas is not about putting dogs above anyone else. It's their genuine wish to spend Christmas with their dogs, and they feel unwelcome at your house when you've laid down such ultimatums. I guess there is some other argument about the dogs that has been going on before, also, otherwise I don't get why you wouldn't allow dogs to your house in the first place. Maybe they peed on your floor or something. So I sense there is a lot of built up anger here and frustration. But please, do not say things like they put dogs above your children, because that is a crazy comparison and it's not true.
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reader, Bobbyjo +, writes (12 December 2016):
Bobbyjo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo they never go away on holiday they stay in this country in this camper van and of course the dogs go with them. It's not just me, they do it to both my sisters and their children as well. If they're ever invited out anywhere they will go for an hour then say they have to leave because of their dogs on their own. They've always had dogs ever since I was a baby but they've never been this ridiculous with them, as in we could go out for the day or on holiday without them. I'm beginning to wonder if they could actually be starting to be mentally ill. They are 62 and 60, very active couple.
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reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (12 December 2016):
 It definitely appears that you, their grand-kids are at the bottom of the wolf pack. 2 hours if that is definitely doable for any dog lover in their right mind to go visit. It makes me wonder, how the heck do your parents go shopping or see a doctor when need be? Are the dogs then left at home or do they feel compelled to dog-sit while the other spouse is out?
Mind you if those dogs are barkers when they're out and neighbours have complained about this noise it might be reason for your parents to baby-sit these mutts. OR they're just plain nuts, set in their way and don't care to be told to leave their dogs behind. It's a case of love me, love my dogs.
If the dogs travel with them in the Camper-van why don't they park their van in your driveway, give them a walk when need be etc.? It’s just a solution to have everyone together for Xmas and for those concerned I'm not suggesting animal cruelty or neglect.
Take Care - CAA
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2016): Why not offer a compromise? Bring Christmas to THEIR house for two house: just you, them, the kids & the dogs. You can entertain everyone else on your time
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reader, Bobbyjo +, writes (12 December 2016):
Bobbyjo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo they never go away on holiday they stay in this country in this camper van and of course the dogs go with them. It's not just me, they do it to both my sisters and their children as well. If they're ever invited out anywhere they will go for an hour then say they have to leave because of their dogs on their own. They've always had dogs ever since I was a baby but they've never been this ridiculous with them, as in we could go out for the day or on holiday without them. I'm beginning to wonder if they could actually be starting to be mentally ill. They are 62 and 60, very active couple.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 December 2016):
Don't feel sorry for your kids, they will be fine. And while I get that you wish they didn't miss out on their grandparents and your parents didn't miss out on their grandkids - your parents have made a choice to NOT want to spend a couple of hours with you and the kids. I have to say, I think they are being ridiculous for not taking a couple of hours and spend them with their grandkids, but regardless, their choice - not mine or yours.
Enjoy Christmas with the kids and make the best out of it.
I'd rather NOT have people visit who don't want to be there.
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reader, Denizen +, writes (12 December 2016):
 It sounds as if they are happier with the dogs. What can you do? Christmas is such a strain on families.
What happened last year?
I know pets become part of the family, but it sounds as if they are more important than kith and kin. Nothing you can do about it.
Perhaps they don't really like their grandchildren that much. Children can be tiresome for elderly people. You don't say how old the grandparents are.
I mean, are they ever allowed to go away? Or are they permanently tied to the house and their canine dependants?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2016): Some people really love their dogs. We take our dogs to Christmas dinner and they get their own special meal. We dress them up and when we take family pictures they're in them.
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