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writes: I'Ce been married for 5 years now. i've been very jealous throughout our marriage. the men in past relationships have always cheated so i have problems with trust. Last summer my husband had enough and left me with our children. I ended up sleeping with someone else. My husband came back shortly after and has never trusted me since. He's the jealous one now. I spoke to the bin man today and he went mental! he just calls me a liar and a cheat all the time! I've tried talking to him, yelling, you name it..nothing works. He's just hurtful and nasty! Both our names are on the tenancy and he wont leave! I feel like he's just here to torment me! Any advice would be appreciated as I'm at my wits' end!!
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reader, lazySman +, writes (13 April 2005):
Alright, this advice is not the normal point of view so it may sound stupid and crazy or worse. Decide for yourself by trying it out in other arenas first to prove to yourself it works before risking the big game (nasty & hurtful) on it.In general most people have markedly little idea about the actual underlying reasons they themselves have and the subtle but tangible effects that ripple out from the results. When an average Joe can't find his smokes in the company of others, their initial responses lean toward the actions of another parties being responsible as they view themselves as incapable of mistakes( they are the reason more often than not, about 7/1). When they start trying to find their smokes they begin to hunt witches with coy questioning and gauging reactions." Hey dude, have you seen my smokes?" they ask, actually meaning "I know you got my smokes!". There are really only two base answers: yes or no. Only yes however is conclusive to the witch hunt as "no" can be a lie and they are searching for a thief and thieves are liars too. So the "no" response failed to close the witch hunt and "yes" did, provided the response seemed reasonable to the asker. "No" especially when defended tends to make the answerer appear guilty to a degree, no one appears more guilty than one defending themselves ineffectively! So "yes" must be your base answer to end the witch hunters interest in you immediately, even if the truth is no. "Yes" though means providing the location and situation of the smokes so if you answer yes and the truth is no the answer must be unbelievable, the more ridiculous the better. So my answer to the hunter if I don’t want further inquisitions and yet will not supply the smokes whereabouts leans towards a colorful but shocking and ridiculous" Sure, they are right here in my pocket next to your car keys & your old ladies panties!" . Without conscious thought they find the last item to be ridiculous and since the item is part of a group they believe honest they impart each item in that group with similar contempt, convincing them you are no assistance and not a suspect. So quit answering truthfully, instead lying and responding "yes" as this will put an end to questioning especially when used as a standard answer, and quit defending( offering reasons or excuses) yourself once again lying and offering proofs of your guilt that are unbelievable at best and comic at worst.So "I know you've been screwing____!" (actually a question they think they know the answer to) gets answered like" Oh good the videotapes arrived ok, I thought you could use them to study a few things if you want to win the competition!" . Or "Where have you been all nite long?" gets something like " With _____ , at _____bar having good sex for a change, in your car out back ." . " Are you having an affair?" is a more vulnerable question so follow up " An affair? I wouldn’t call it an affair really,,, after all he is your father so its not really cheating right?" with( after dramatic pause) the heartfelt truth" No baby I'm not seeing anyone else, I can barely handle just you.". I have all my life seemed to approach problems( from other people’s point of view) from a completely different angle. Often it appears that my first responses to a burgeoning dilemma are that last responses an average person would ever give, if they had to list every answer they could conceive, and more often than not they could never conceive of my response at all without help. This tendency in myself stems from observation of peoples ability to correctly( achieving the desired result, not agreed upon by consensus) respond to new unique dilemmas, and the realization that the majority of people failed repeatedly responding until some outer influence finally clued them in! So I trained myself to discard my first responses and work from there, occasionally events permitting I would pick responses even I found beyond ridiculous and test their results for fun. They sometimes solved the problem bordering on miraculously effective, this is one that has.
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reader, REBECCA +, writes (13 April 2005):
HiFirst of all if you have children then this will be rubbing off on them! Put them first! do you want him to stay away and leave?Contact the people whom you have the tenancy with explain the problem you are having with your husband and they should be able to offer a solution. Either separate accommodation or even if you contact citizen advise bureau and they will be able to tell you where you stand legally! This is the only way you know you are in control and taking this first step to a better life!Take care
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