A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend is incredibly selfless,kind and would do anything she could do for someone. We have had this friends with benefits type of relationship. She has a family ( Dad,sister,brother) and keeps that part of her life separate from me and pretty much doesn't want anything to do with my daughter who lives with me full time or my friends. I have given up outings with friends to be with her cause she doesn't want to go out with them and we only do stuff on her days off. She does care about my daughter and is very nice and good to her when she is around but doesn't want to play mommy. To be fair she did tell me that she never would leave her dad and would never get married. I viewed this as a big wall due to her being hurt really bad by the 2 previous boyfriend's. Anyway I'm 35 single full-time father and I want more with this woman. Doesn't have to be marriage just some form of commitment. She keeps telling me I should go find someone that wants that and I shouldn't waste my time with her. She has never told me " I love you" or anything close to that and its been 2 years. I have somewhat of a player reputation from when I was in my 20's which I have admitted but things change and I have never ever given her any reason to think that of me. I'm always accounted for and always ask her to do something evey day. She does look through my phone and Facebook on occasion but never finds anything. Im not sure what to do as there are some mixed signals. Please someone help as I just want me and my daughter to be loved. Oh I should mention my daughters biological mother passed away over 2 years ago. Thanks for the advice, anyone
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (17 August 2011):
 I am taking a slihtly different stance on this.
You are not happy with the way things are so I think it is time to lay your cards on the table and be direct about what you want from this woman.
Sit her down, explain that you want a full relationship with her and commitment (because that IS what you want) Tell her you love her and want to stay with her and share her life and want her to share yours.
She will do one of three things.
She will say yes
She will say no
She will say she wants things to stay the same as they are.
Unless she chooses to say yes, I would not waste any more time and I would say goodbye and move on to someone who does want commitment.
Allowing things to go on as they are is NOT giving you what you want and need. She may just want you to be upfront so she knows whats in your heart...you need to tell her. You have nothing to lose from telling her, nothing apart from an unsatisfactory FWB type thing that is making you unhappy.
As they say 'Sh*t or get off the pot' It's time for action!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): what mixed signals are you talking about? She's telling you loud and clear that she only wants to be FWB, that she's not interested in marriage or a long term committed relationship, nor playing mommy to your kid. How much clearer can she be?
This is not an issue of mixed signals. She's spoken loud and clear, it's just that you don't like what she's saying. You can't make someone change what they want so you have to accept her choice and deal with it on your own. Either move on and look for someone new, or find a way to be content with the relationship as it is and be thankful for what you do have with her. It's your choice.
if you think there have been mixed signals then you should talk with her honestly and directly about what you want from her, and hear what she has to say and make your decision for yourself without trying to change her mind or manipulate her.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 August 2011):
 I am not sure what other kinds of signals she has given you. She can be snooping because she knows you want more and you might look for another woman. If that's the case she gets relief and she will look for another FWB. I am not sure if being selfless is a mixed signal for you. I know sex is important to you and it was hard to just get into another relationship after your wife died. Now that you want a relationship it's better to start with a woman who also wants a relationship. If this woman doesn't appear to be hurt that you are looking elsewhere, then it proves all she wanted was FWB. You also have to determine how much time you can wait. Personally I think it's quite sickening for someone to say their life goal is to have an FWB. People who had been hurt would say absolute statements and make you think they mean this is for life, when actually after some time they realize they want to experience true love again. I think you should only give up after your heart can't take it anymore from her indifference.
I met a man who had said he closed his heart on love, even if the right woman comes along he would not pursue it. Then he gets married two years later.
I met a woman who had been hurt only one time in life. And she gave up on love and she is 62 and still single.
Anything could happen.
The fact you stayed true to her means a lot. Sometimes love is an emotional decision. She has the power to stop you from looking at other women. Maybe you trust your instinct that one day she could change her mind. Your heart knows what to do. It's a gamble. It all depends on how much longer you can wait. I would say after 2 years it's overdue.
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