A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i've been seeing this girl for about a month now. we met and instantly hit it off. we both had just come out of really bad relationships. mine a two year relationship where my ex constantly cheated on me and lied to me, and hers a physically and emotionally abusive relationship where her ex treated her terribly and isolated her completely. her and her ex owned a house together and despite being broken up and sleeping seperately, they were still living together when we met. i kept telling her i wanted to be patient and give her time to move out before we really started moving forward in what we were doing, but she kept begging me not to. she kept saying to just be patient with her and she'd be moved out in no time and that she really didn't want to slow things down. we've gone out a bunch and she's spent the night with me on a handful of occasions and we did have sex those times she did. things have progressed extremely quickly and rapidly and she even told me she loved me very recently. the problem is this. she spent the night with me two nights in a row and it was amazing. we had a great time together. and then all of a sudden she bailed on me two days in a row, seemingly coming up with excuses not to come both times. i got rather offended and expressed this to her. i didn't yell or raise my voice at her. just calmly let her know how i felt and that it seemed she was suddenly blowing me off or avoiding me. she finally admitted that having come from a three year abusive relationship, she was scared to put her all into something new and be hurt again. i told her that maybe she needed to take some time to think about what she wants because i was giving 100% effort and woudn't accept anything less than that in return. i then got off the phone with her and went to bed. she then texted me a few hours later and told me it really killed her not hearing from me and how she was sorry for hurting me and that she didn't intend to treat me badly. she asked if i would accept her apology. i told her i would. the next day she told me she needed to go out of town to visit her family to just take a breather from her stressful life - her ex had been threatening her, she'd just had a close friend pass away, etc. she told me her main purpose for going was to ensure that she could clear her head and be good to me. that i was really intense and she just wasn't used to it coming from her previous relationship. i asked her if things were too intense for her and did she want to cool things down a bit. she said no, not to do that. that she really did love me and that she wanted things to stay the way they were, but just needed me to be patient with her and let her clear her head so she could adjust and give me 100% back in return. she went out of town and i tried to give her as much space as possible. let her text me first, etc. but she still texted me every day and sent me pictures of herself etc. she told me she missed me, and wished i was there. she then texted me today and told me she was coming back into town for a moment to meet with her ex and get her name removed from the house her and her ex shared. she texted me as soon as it was done and seemed excited about it. then went back to visit her grandparents for the rest of the night. she told me goodnight and i was on her mind. i told her the same. my question is this. this seems pretty legitimate right? it seems like this girl is being sincere and honestly just trying to do right by me, correct? coming from a relationship where i'm used to being lied to, there's this part of me that's scared she's just dragging me along and yanking my chain. this whole vacation to clear the head... it sounds like she's being honest right??
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cheated on me, emotionally abusive, her ex, moved out, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (4 August 2011):
 Well, obviously we're not mind readers. She may be totally legitimate and honest... she may not. So we can only really speculate based on our own experiences. So here's my opinion, (but please! take it with a pinch of salt), I don't like reflecting on the possibility that what I say could potentially ruin an otherwise perfect relationship.
Here's my opinion regardless...
She genuinely seems to like you and the whole "nice guy" thing is refreshing for her, but she's had her self-esteem beaten down by this toxic relationship. Abusive relationships are easy to get out of IN THEORY, but the reality is, they're the hardest to get out of if you're not experienced/independent enough to allow logic to overcome your primal emotions.
Controlling guys for which abuse is their "weapon of choice" who sense their woman is becoming "unavailable" to them (ie. falling for another guy), will predictably flick a switch and completely change their attitude and behavior towards her. They'll literally do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING to keep her interested in him... he'll become a completely different guy towards her... at least until he feels that the "threat" has disappeared... then he'll just flick the switch back once he feels comfortable that he's in control again.
I have NO DOUBT in my mind that many a girl has agonized over such a guy as they know how to push her buttons, know when to treat her right and know when they can be a complacent bastard again. They can be close to impossible to leave, especially if he has isolated her from her family, friends and minimized any opportunities for her to meet any other guys. Not to mention the massive hit that she's likely to have taken to her confidence and self-esteem which will seriously limit any chance for her to meet a decent guy who isn't just after her body.
If she does take a chance on a guy but ends up getting used, then it'll only reaffirm to her that her abusive ex is the best that she deserves in life. It's a vicious cycle. The lower and lower self-worth becomes, the harder and harder it is to find the strength to leave for good. Tragic, but it happens...
But I digress. My point is that I suspect two things are happening here:
1: Her ex is doing EVERYTHING he can to keep her, even if he doesn't respect her or love her, he's like a little boy... Ever seen two young boys in a room full of toys?? Ever notice how the best toy in the room is ALWAYS the one that the other is genuinely and obviously having fun with. The toys' perceived value goes through the roof, regardless of its monetary value... logic goes out the window and the toy is momentarily the greatest toy on earth... until its been stolen and the other boy has stopped crying, started having fun with another toy and completely forgotten about their previous fascination. Human psychology is bizarre sometimes.
2: She's vulnerable. Saying that you need to be patient with her so that she can give you 100% in return... I can't be the only one that finds that fishy... she admitted that she hasn't been giving you 100%, but what that percentage represents... well, again, we can only speculate, but I suspect that she's hiding something. My best guess is he tried something on her, (they live together for goodness sake), with him trying to stay in control of her and her being vulnerable/thinking he'd change (or whatever)- went along with it. I don't doubt she'd be feeling guilty and confused if that were the case and it'd explain why she suddenly became distant. It potentially fits what you've told us about your situation.
Again, I don't like speculating or putting paranoid dents in peoples minds when it comes to stuff like this, but dammit, if there's one thing in this world that I know, it's toxic relationships... and something here feels fishy. I'd love to believe that everything is hunky dory and innocent, but I dunno dude, you've been seeing this girl for 1 month... he's been with her for 3 years! I'll go out on a limb, (yet again) and speculate that this isn't the first time they've broken up.
One thing I do know for certain though... during those three years that he's been dating her- you're not the only competition he's overcome. The odds are not stacked in your favor, but the way I see it, if she moves out ASAP without you badgering her- then you've got a shot. If she doesn't, then dude... she isn't even worth a shot.
Forgive me for the bluntness, your post seems to have pinched a nerve. My bad.
Good luck aye
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): well its not a great start is it... to start a relationship in those circumstances where she was still living with an ex.. wow thats a bad one... it isnt exactly condusive to your security, maybe you will never feel totally secure in this particular relationship.
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