A
female
age
30-35,
*ilcheer
writes:My husband and I have been married for just over a year, we have been together for over 3 years. I have noticed over the last 4 months that he doesn't kiss, touch, or look at me like he used to. I have asked him about it and he says that he just "doesn't like to make out" and he also remarks that he is "not a physical person" and that is all the explination I get. The only time he really touches me anymore is when he just grabs me to let me know he wants sex. He complains that when I kiss him all I want to do is make out but the only kisses I ever get from him are little baby pecks. Does this mean that all the passion there was before is now gone? Does it mean that he doesn't love me or isn't as attracted to me? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, lilcheer +, writes (7 July 2011):
lilcheer is verified as being by the original poster of the question Yeah its been crazy. I am 20 I'll be 21 in a few months, he is 22. I love him more than anything in the world and I just want to make him happy and try to make myself happy at the same time. We were going to go to couples therapy but there were some huge miscommunications with the company so I am going to try to talk to him about going when we get settled. Thank you for all your help. I really appreciate it.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (7 July 2011):
 LilCheer,
That's a lot to have gone through by 21. Perhaps I overstated the urgency of getting to the bottom of this. Perhaps I overestimated your ability to resolve this without counseling.
FA
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A
female
reader, lilcheer +, writes (7 July 2011):
lilcheer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I guess another stressful factor is that while deployed he got cancer and after a year of chemo an radiation he is sterile. Both of us want kids but we know how slim the chances are that he will even be able to get me pregnant. I am pretty consistant with keeping my breath fresh and my teeth white I brush my teeth regularly and I chew sugarfree mint gum a lot. He isn't controling really. He is very protective and is used to being on guard at all times even in sleep.I think some of this started after I caught him looking up porn on his computer and confronted him about it and I let him know how I felt betrayed and hurt. For about a week after that I could barely stand to have him touch me we still slept in the same bed, I was always told by my mother that you should always sleep in the same bed otherwise it signals that your mariage might as well be over. But I forgave him and we talked about it. Things were normal for a short time after that.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (7 July 2011):
LilCheer,
Thanks for following up. The talking points I gave you are from a book called "the sex starved marriage". Especially the one about how can he expect you to feel loved when he ignores your expressed needs, and the one about how he shouldn't expect you to remain faithful when he is unwilling to give you what you need. I'd suggest you get the book.
You are both seriously under stress with separating from the military. This is probably not a good time to make any threats or ultimatums.
There are reasons other than an affair that a man will change his kissing style. Marriage unfortunately is one of them. It seems a cruel jest that many people once they have tied the knot seem to think they can stop trying to win their partner. Sometimes that can lead to enough separation to get their attention. It is much better to learn better sooner. Married people should date regularly, weekly at least. Another way marriage can kill passion is that change of status from single woman to wife. Some men think they should treat you more seriously since you will be giving them children. This kind of thinking needs to be fixed. Sometimes it takes a counselor. Over familiarity can cause a similar problem, after all now he has seen you brush your teeth and seen your dirty nylons, some guys are affected by that. Speaking of which have you s=asked him if it is a breath problem? Another idea that sprang to mind When I saw that picture is that perhaps he is big on control. He feels that he is out of control when he lets himself get too close to you.
The good news is that if there is an affair, as love girl suspects, a move across country and a change of job will kill it. As a matter of fact the move makes me less likely to suspect an affair.
I would never suggest withholding sex as a tactic to get him closer though you may be tempted. He does need to know that you will respond better if you can warm up all day. Keep the lines of communication open. Keep being intimate, physically and emotionally. Hopefully the stress will soon go down. That will help a lot.
FA
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A
female
reader, lilcheer +, writes (7 July 2011):
lilcheer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks.
Right now we are in a stressful situation we are moving cross country because he is getting out of the military, but we didn't know that when this all began. I have told him how I feel on several occasions and I always get his same responses. When he does kiss me with his little pecks I a lot of the time will ask for more but its always another peck unless he wants sex and some of the times I am not in the mood, but because thats the only time he ever kisses me like he actually wants to, so I just go along with it. I'll try talking to him again and see if he blows me off again though. Thank you so much I really appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): when a man doesnt want to kiss sexually then there is a serious problem.
why the sudden withdrawal of all affection? a third party?? ( never rule this out, just too many affairs these days...............)
dig deeper, something is amiss.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (7 July 2011):
LilCheer,
No, based on what you have said the passion is still there, he is still attracted and you are still loved. The problem is you don't feel loved.
I would guess that he is under a lot of stress right now. He seems to be worried about the time a lot. What can you do about that?
He thinks you want to "make out". The cause of that is likely that you are being starved. Because you are starved for affection, when ever you get a little, you tend to latch on and gobble up all you can. At your age that can use up a bunch of the time he is jealous of.
I have some advice on how to handle this. First tell him how you feel. When the time is right, preferably when you have him captive. Tell him, "When you kiss me like that I feel that you don't love me. I have told you that I need more. I can not be happy living with only that much affection. It is unrealistic of you to think that I will remain faithful to you when you are unwilling to give me the affection that I need." You choose how to tell him that but all of those points are important, and should be expressed.
Second, demonstrate to him that you can be satisfied with 3 to 5 (some experts say the number should be 11) passionate kisses and hugs every day. They don't take much time. But you can take your affection in small bites if you get it regularly. So when you get a good kiss you let him get back to his stress filled world. Make sure he knows that you respect and value what he is doing, work or school.
Be loving about it, but forceful enough to make sure you get what you need. When he gives you a baby peck, say "yum, but I need a better one" or, "more please". And when he does well, reward him. Say "Thank you, that's what I needed", or "I'll get the rest tonight!"
I can not stress enough how important it is that you solve this problem quickly. The success of your marriage hangs largely on your ability as a couple to fulfill each others needs. He needs to know that everything is not fine. If he refuses to act to resolve this, get into counseling.
FA
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